Fixing the Mistake
by zashaxander
Summary: Don't wait. Don't think. Just... jump. Making mistakes is what we live for, they help us grow, they're confirmation of the freedom that every soul needs. But are some mistakes just too big to fix? When the dominoes start falling, Kate will have to wonder if it was really worth it - and if Rick is worth it, especially when there is so much more at stake.
1. Chapter 1

FIXING THE MISTAKE

VOLUME I

CHAPTER 1

"You've no idea," Kate whispered in Rick's ear. He shuddered – he might not know exactly what it would be like, but his imagination was running pretty wild already. He watched her walk away – then changed his mind. He began to run after her and caught up just as she reached her car.

"In your dreams, Castle," she said, without turning around.

"In case you hadn't noticed, my dreams have a habit of coming true," he replied, using his hand to block her from opening the door.

Kate began having (another) huge inner debate with herself. She liked him, sure. And Lanie was always telling her she should be more impulsive; live a little. She'd dreamed about him though – wasn't that weird? It wasn't _her_, anyway. Kate Beckett did not jump into bed with rich, handsome womanisers. She was the one and done type. Or would be, if she ever met the right guy. _How will you ever meet anyone unless you take a chance once in a while? _asked a voice in her head that sounded a lot like her best friend. While she was thinking, Rick had been talking, trying to persuade her.

"...and it would just be dinner. I can be respectable – some people have even found me to be grown up."

Kate laughed. "I doubt it."

"The three cruellest words you will ever say to me."

Kate grinned. "I doubt it," she repeated. He chuckled.

"Come on, it's just dinner."

Resisting the temptation to say "I doubt it" a third time, Kate gave up fighting with herself. After all, if he decided he wanted more than dinner, she would still be perfectly capable of saying no. And she was wearing a gun.

"Fine."

Rick looked at her, stunned. "You're saying yes?"

Kate laughed again. "Didn't you want me to? I could take it back."

"No! I mean, yes, I did want you to. And don't take it back. I just thought... I don't know. Okay. Great. You want to go now?"

Kate thought about that. If she went now, she'd bypass all the annoying deliberation about what to wear. And she wouldn't have to tell him where she lived. She nodded. Rick grinned from ear to ear – looking just like a little boy on Christmas morning.

"Will you let me drive?" Rick asked as she began to open her car door.

"No," she said with a smile. "This vehicle is owned by the NYPD. It would be plain irresponsible to let you drive it. Actually, I was going to dump it at the 12th and we could get a cab."

"Sounds good," Rick said, getting into the car in the passenger seat. Kate buckled up and set off. Traffic was beginning to build up for the evening rush hour; she wondered if they could walk somewhere from the precinct instead of going back on the crowded roads. Rick seemed like a fancy restaurant kind of guy, but she wasn't dressed for anywhere too posh.

"I've been thinking," he said as they waited at a red light. "It might be fun for me to help out on some more of your cases."

Kate gave him a look. "Don't flatter yourself. And no offence, but I don't think you're suited to being a cop."

"None taken – I agree, I'm far too entertaining. You can't deny I was helpful, though."

"I suppose not. Still. Lucky might be more accurate."

"You'd make a great character in a book, you know."

Kate laughed. "I've already agreed to go out with you, you don't need to lay it on so thick."

Rick grinned. "I mean it. Smart, savvy, sexy – everybody will want to read about her. And I need a new character."

"Why? What's wrong with Derrick?" Kate asked. Rick remembered she hadn't read _Storm Fall _yet.

"Nothing," he said, but his voice was full of suggestion.

Kate decided not to press him for an answer. They reached the precinct. She had to admit, having him around was kind of entertaining. They got out of the car and she suggested that they walk to Remy's, since it was just around the corner.

"Typical cop, going for a burger. Just don't have a doughnut for dessert, okay?"

Kate laughed. "I'm not a big fan of doughnuts."

"Don't tell me. You only eat salad."

Kate grinned. "Hardly. Come on, if you really want to know what I eat, take me to dinner."

"As you wish," he said. He linked her arm through his. She was surprised, but she didn't take her arm away.

They sat at a secluded corner table in Remy's, chatting contentedly as they waited to be served. Kate had a burger and fries; Rick had the same, but asked them to hold the pickles. Kate laughed again.

"Don't you get ahead of yourself, Castle. We're just having dinner," she reminded him. He winked, and waved to the waitress to order them each a beer.

The beer was cold and refreshing. Kate took a long swig, watching Rick as she did so. Rick was watching her too – and she liked the way he was doing it. It had been a while since she had been looked at in that why by someone she liked. She was too complicated... And Rick didn't know any of it yet. Rick took a swig of his own beer and his eyes smiled at the girl sitting opposite him. She was the first woman he'd met in a long time who was complicated, yet also self sufficient and strong. She hadn't wanted him to sign her chest either. Beckett had... attitude? He'd say 'balls' but it wasn't masculine. She wasn't throwing herself at him, she wasn't interested in the fame or the money. She was interested in (and attracted to, he hoped) the person.

Their burgers arrived and they began to eat. They made polite conversation, laughing with each other, both curious to see where this evening would go. They both had another couple of beers. Rick's hand brushed Kate's when he reached for the ketchup. The polite conversation got deeper. Kate felt like she'd known Rick for years; they had this sparkling connection; her skin tingled when it touched his. It seemed to her that his bright blue eyes saw directly into her soul – and they were windows to his. He was so much more complex than the badboy bachelor the tabloids made him out to be. And yet he was still just as fun.

When they were finished eating, Rick looked sideways at Kate.

"You want to go somewhere else?" he asked.

Kate thought about it. She hadn't been dancing in years. She knew she should say no. She should go home, and go to bed. Alone. She would see Rick again; it wasn't as though this was her last chance. She formed the rejection in her mind, but somehow she couldn't say it. _When was the last time you had any fun, girl? Go on, be spontaneous! _Kate took a deep breath.

"Okay. But I have to change, I think."

Rick smiled. "We can stop at your place on the way. It must be tough, being a girl."

Kate grinned. "Not really, Castle."

Rick handled the bill. Kate didn't want him to, but he insisted.

"Think of it as a thank you, for letting me work with you on the case."

"Fine. I guess I deserve it, after putting up with you!"

They laughed. "You enjoyed it really," Rick said into her ear as they waited outside for a cab. Kate didn't answer. She waved a cab, and gave her address.

"So that's where chez Beckett is. Not so far from my place, really."

They flopped back together in the cab, leaning against each other. Kate realised they were a bit close, but she didn't want to move. It would be obvious that she was pulling away. Rick put his arm around her, pulling her towards him instead.

"Getting a little friendly, Castle," she said, but she was smiling, and she still didn't move. He fiddled with her short hair, playing with the strands at the side of her face.

"You smell like cherries," he whispered. She giggled – and was completely shocked at herself – Kate Beckett never giggled. Rick stayed close; when the cab got to her building she was kind of disappointed.

"Want me to wait here?" he asked.

He really was a gentleman. "No, you can come on up." She tried to remember how messy her apartment had been when she left it that morning. Not too bad, she hoped. They went upstairs and Kate unlocked the door. The living room was fairly tidy. She took yesterday's paper, and Storm Fall, off the couch, and motioned for him to sit.

"I'll be as quick as I can," she said, He smiled widely.

"If I get bored, you have some excellent reading material."

Kate grinned and went to her room. She opened her closet and wondered what to wear. She'd just have to make a snap decision. She pulled out a tiny black dress. It had a very high neckline, but the back was just lace, and it was very short. Before she could change her mind she took off her work clothes, put on deodorant, thanked whatever it was that had made her shave her legs that morning, and put on the dress. She found some black stiletto heels and a silver bracelet. She put on some make up – far more than usual on her eyes – and shook her hands through her hair. That would have to do.

She looked at herself in the mirror. She hoped Rick would like it. She brushed her teeth and put on some lipstick. She put her drivers licence, credit card, phone, keys, and a little cash into a small purse – she could check it at the club. She wondered where Rick would take her. Then she bit her lip, gave herself a little shake to remind herself she was really doing this, and went out into the living room.

Rick had been relaxing on the sofa, daydreaming. When he saw Kate, though, he immediately snapped to attention.

"Wow," he breathed. "You look amazing."

Kate blushed. She wasn't used to having that effect on people.

"I mean, I thought you looked amazing before but that dress..."

Kate wondered what she had intended to do by wearing it. It was a dress that screamed for a guy to tear it off you. She almost felt guilty, but she changed her mind. She was a grown woman, and no, she wasn't in the habit of having one night stands, but there was no reason why she shouldn't. And who said it would be a one night stand? Okay, that last bit, yeah, it probably would be. But she wasn't entirely sure – she and Rick did seem to have a connection. And she was sick of being sensible all the time. And of being sad. She wanted to live her life; to forget about all the walls she had built around herself when she was nineteen. Even if it was just for one night.

Rick took her to a club she'd never been to before. It looked very upmarket, but the bouncer saw Rick and let them both in for free.

"I forgot you were famous," Kate said, giggling.

"Cruel. So cruel," he said, leading her to the bar. "What do you want to drink?"

She said she would have what he had.

"Risky, Beckett. I like it." He ordered to shots of Sour Cherry, and licked his lips after he'd downed his. She threw hers back and he ordered another two. She was starting to feel even less like herself.

"Want to dance?" he asked, already leading her into the crowd of people in the middle of the room. She felt herself relax easily as she moved with him, and for once she felt at home on the dance floor, rather than self conscious. She didn't even notice as every pair of male eyes in that room locked onto her body. Rick did, but he just smiled. Kate was looking straight at him.

They stayed at the club until it closed. Kate knew she was drunk but she felt mostly in control. Just a little more free than usual. The bartender had called them a car. Kate did a double take at the sleek black BMW that appeared for them, but Rick assured her it was theirs. He gave the driver Kate's address and all too soon they were back at her building. Rick walked her upstairs.

"So – did you have a good time?"

Kate smiled. "Wonderful. Thanks."

"Always," Rick said, bringing his face closer to hers. But he pulled back, uncertain. Kate shuddered; she had been so ready for him to kiss her. She wasn't going to let him walk away now. She took hold of his tie, and turned so he was against the door. Then she crushed her lips to his, running her hands over his body, tasting the cherry flavoured alcohol on his lips. He kissed back for all he was worth – he hadn't been expecting this, but he was definitely enjoying it.

When they broke apart for air, Kate felt the colour rising in her cheeks.

"Why are you blushing?" Rick asked gently.

Kate bit her lip. "Because... I want to do this, more than anything. And that's _really _not like me."

Rick smiled. "I'm not going to push you. Do what you want to do."

Kate thought hard. "Okay. Will you come in?"

Rick nodded, and took her hand as she let them both into the apartment. She led him straight through to the bedroom, and in a moment they were kissing again.

Kate loved the feel of his body on hers; the electricity as their skin touched made the hair on the back of her neck prickle. When she was lying, tired and breathless, across his chest an hour later, she realised it really had been too long since she'd done that. And she also realised that her head was on Richard Castle's chest, and that she had just had sex with him. Twice. And he was now playing with her hair. Suddenly, she sat up.

"I didn't have sex with you because you're famous. You know that, right?"

Rick laughed. "Yes. And for the record, if you'd only been into me because I'm famous... Actually that'd be a lie. I probably would still have had sex with you. But only because you're incredibly hot and an amazing person."

"Thanks?"

He laughed again. "You look cute when you're thinking. Come on. Lie down. Relax. You can even sleep if you want."

Kate smiled. She knew he was right. She lay down beside him, trying to feel tired again.

"You're not relaxing, Beckett."

Kate sighed. "It's hard."

Rick smiled at her. "No it's not. But I'll help you..."

She gasped as his hand slipped under the covers – but he was right. It did help her to relax. He pulled her close to him, and she felt the warmth of his body.

"I feel like I owe you now," she murmured. He stroked her back.

"Go to sleep. You can make it up to me next time," he said.

There was going to be a next time. Kate closed her eyes, hoping she had done the right thing. Maybe there wasn't a right thing. She had done what she wanted, anyway. And she felt good. She wouldn't be guilty. There was nothing to be guilty about. She felt great, Rick felt great. They were both grown ups. She sighed, and let herself drift off to sleep. She could over-think it another time.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

Kate woke up with Rick's arm still around her. She smiled. She didn't regret what they'd done **– **she felt younger and happier than she had felt in a long time. She slipped out of the bed and found Rick's shirt on the floor. She put it on and went to make some coffee. Sunlight was streaming in through the windows of her living room, warming her skin, making it glow. She turned on her coffee machine and listened to the hum as the dark liquid trickled into the jug. She looked back towards her bedroom; she'd left the door open, and she could see Rick still sleeping in her bed.

She took two mugs off their hooks on the wall and put them beside the machine. She saw Rick sit up in bed, and poured the coffee, carrying it through to the bedroom. Rick grinned when he she came in, thanking her for the coffee as she handed to him. She sat down on the bed by his feet.

"You're wearing my shirt..." he said with a glint in his eye.

Kate returned his look, but said nothing.

"What do you want to do today?" he asked. It was Saturday, so she didn't have any responsibilities.

"I don't have anything I have to do."

"That wasn't what I asked. I asked what you wanted to do," he said smiling at her. She smiled back.

"Well. I mean, there are so many things to choose from. We could read-" she began, putting her mug down on the floor.

"We could watch TV-" he added, putting down his mug as well. He reached for the buttons of her shirt. Well, his shirt.

"We could go for a walk in the park..." she said quietly, as he slid the shirt off her shoulder and leaned in to kiss her neck.

"Mmhmm," he said into her skin. A warm shiver rippled down her spine. She moved her mouth to his and kissed him gently, loving how well their lips fitted together.

By mid-afternoon they were showered, dressed, and sitting on her couch. Rick had called his daughter, telling her where he was. She hadn't been surprised at him... she had been a little surprised that Kate had gone for it so quickly. But Kate didn't know that. She looked at the paper – she was reading it with Rick.

"This is very domestic," he commented. "I like it."

Kate laughed. "Do you usually kick them out before breakfast?"

Rick looked a little embarrassed. "They choose to leave..."

Kate punched him on the shoulder. "I'm just kidding. It looks like the world's coping without us," she said, scanning the paper.

"I think it might need our input tonight – I have to go to a party. I'd be honoured if you'd go with me," he said, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her closer to him.

"I'd love to go," Kate said. She wondered where the old Kate Beckett had gone. The real Kate Beckett. Because right now she was acting like some dumb groupie, following around a famous guy she hardly knew, sleeping with him on the first date, acting like they'd been together forever...And acting like they would be together forever. It was only a matter of time before they moved on, wasn't it? She couldn't be sure – she liked him a lot. But she couldn't let go of her senses – she knew what he was like. New York's badboy bachelor, with a different beautiful girl on his arm every time you saw him.

He had to go home to change and see his family. She was glad to have some time alone – to find something to wear! He said he'd pick her up at seven and take her to dinner before the party – it was black tie. She'd managed not to look worried when he'd told her, and he hadn't realised she might not have anything suitable. She opened her closet, making a face as she looked at its meagre contents. She really didn't go out enough.

An hour later, after trying on and vetoing anything even remotely possible, she flopped down on the bed wondering what she would do. Her doorbell rang. Sighing, she got up and opened the door. There was a delivery man there – she signed for the box he was holding, although she hadn't ordered anything. When he was gone, she put the box down on the table and opened it. It was a dress.

And it was beautiful. A floor length, red cocktail dress, with patterns of sequins on a perfectly shaped bodice. She checked the size – it was right. A card slipped onto the floor; she picked it up to look at it.

_Bippity Boppity Boo._

She couldn't help but laugh. She put on the dress – and she had to admit, it looked good. Really good. The style suited her, and the colour made her striking. She put on some make up; soon it would be time to leave.

Rick arrived at seven on the dot, in another flashy car. He took her hand and helped her into it. She felt so unlike herself she could almost be dreaming. They chatted happily as he drove; they always found interesting conversations – they loved spending time with each other.

Dinner passed uneventfully. It was at a very expensive restaurant, but Rick obviously ate their quite often, since Kate didn't even see a check. They got back in the car to go to the party. It didn't even cross Kate's mind to be apprehensive – she would be shocked at herself afterwards.

Peering out of the tinted windows, she could see a red carpet surrounded by photographers. She smiled at Rick.

"You really are famous," she said.

"They aren't there for me. There are other guests who are far more well known."

Kate nodded, appreciating his modesty. Soon It was their turn to walk inside. They had to stop for the paparazzi to take their picture, but Kate didn't think anything of it at the time. She was still feeling wonderfully out of character – and it was so refreshing being someone else. She knew it was shallow, and it wouldn't last, but she had even stopped thinking about her parents. She had left her mother's ring and her father's watch lying on her bed. Her neck felt lighter – she was so used to having something around it. Like a noose, or shackles... But she wouldn't think about the memory of her mother like that.

She listened to the music at the party – everyone looked so rich, so happy and beautiful. She didn't feel nearly as good looking as she thought the other women there were, but Rick was looking at her as though she was the only woman in the room. They collected glasses of free champagne, and went to mingle. Rick introduced her to a lot of famous people – but she cared more about him.

"I'm sorry, these things can be kind of dull," he whispered in her ear. "Want to dance?"

Kate smiled. "I'm not too bored. And I'd love to."

"Good," he said, taking her hand and leading her into the middle of the room. There was a live band; they were alright. A bit tame compared with the live music Kate had been used to – when she had gone to concerts. But it wasn't as if she did anything like that any more. Rick's hand fitted comfortably on her waist and she could feel his shoulder muscles rippling under his shirt. She already knew she would end up going home with him that night. She wondered when this fairytale would end – when would her carriage turn into a pumpkin?

But for some reason, she stopped herself from thinking about the bad things. For once, she was living in the moment, enjoying being a woman, enjoying being young and free. Because she was. Or at least, she should be.

Rick twirled her around, and she saw the room whirl before her eyes. It was huge, and _beautiful_. She realised that there was a huge world out there that she hardly saw – she was so caught up in solving crimes that she couldn't remember when she had last been somewhere that was clean and pretty.

She had already agreed – Rick asking if she wanted to go over to his place was just a formality. They were making out as soon as the car door closed. Again, Kate had a fleeting thought about where her true personality was, but she brushed it aside. She loved being kissed like this, being touched like this. She liked being carefree. She knew it wouldn't last – but it was here right now.

They couldn't keep their hands off each other – they were locked together as they went inside, as they rode the elevator to Rick's loft, and as they hurried through his living room to his bedroom. The dress he had bought for her was soon on the floor, along with his suit. She wondered if it was wrong to give in to the attraction so quickly – but it had been so strong. It still was; magnetic, furious, unavoidable...

Kate slept soundly beside him. His bed was soft and warm, and she felt nice beside him. She loved his energy, and his humour. He made her feel fun – and the real Kate Beckett wasn't fun. Not like that.

Rick was still sleeping when she woke up on Sunday morning. He wasn't an early riser, she commented to herself. Smiling, she put on another of his shirts, and went to get some coffee. There was a newspaper on the kitchen counter; his mother or daughter must have brought it in. She glanced over the front page, then began to flick absent-mindedly through the rest of it.

Kate dropped the paper with a gasp of horror. She bent down to pick it up again; she had to read the article. All she had seen was the picture – of Rick, and her. Rick was whispering something in her ear, and his arm was wrapped possessively around her waist. It wasn't a bad picture – but the caption was awful.

_Don't be gentle, detective!_

_New York's badboy writer was seen attending a private function last night with his latest woman-of-the-hour – who sources have informed us is a detective with the NYPD, who Castle met while she was investigating a murder case. If all homicide detectives look like this, it's no wonder murder in New York is on the up! Rick seems to be branching out – this is his first non-celebrity hook up in a while – so stay hopeful, girls, maybe you can be next._

Kate's jaw was almost on the floor. She found a pair of sweats, collected her things, leaving the dress, and left the apartment in a blur of emotion and shame. How could she have been so stupid? she thought in the cab on the way home. She shuddered, thinking of how intimate she had been with him. She had almost let him into her heart; she had completely forgotten herself. Her mother would be ashamed of her. Her father was going to see this article! Even her job was at risk – she couldn't believe how she had behaved in the last few days. People who needed a break had a weekend away – they did not have a crazy affair with a celebrity author! She winced again. Of course there would be repercussions. And of course he would move on to someone else. He wasn't the type to settle down – she had seen the evidence, and the paper was already practically advertising him to any girl who wanted some.

He was the guy who signed chests at parties! How could she have thought there would ever be something real between them? He had fancied her, and yeah, she had fancied him, but she should have known better. She didn't want to be that girl who jumped into bed with every guy who looked at her in a certain way. And she wasn't a girl any more. She was supposed to be an adult. She had behaved like a nineteen year old slut.

She paid the driver and went back to her apartment. She turned on the shower at its highest temperature, and threw off Rick's clothes. The water scalded her skin, but she didn't care. She deserved it. Though she wasn't sure if she would ever feel clean again.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

_One Month Later_

Kate hadn't seen Rick again. He had called her, in the first week, but he had given up when she hadn't returned (or even listened to) any of his messages. It was his job to invent believable stories; she wasn't going to fall for one. She read Storm Fall – it was brilliant, of course. She wondered what he would write about next.

Kate decided to focus on work. She was good at her job, and she had a great team. She forgot about dating – she didn't need the complications. She had enough to think about as it was. Her friend Lanie practically tortured her into revealing the events of her time with Castle, but Kate still kept it to a minimum, saying they had had a little fling, and that was that. If anyone else had seen her picture in the paper, they kept quiet about it.

...

Rick stared at the blank document open on his laptop. He might tell Gina that on no account was he suffering from anything like writer's block – but he had to admit, he hadn't been having many ideas lately. He thought Kate would make a wonderful character, but she clearly didn't want to see him again. At first, he had thought it was because he'd misjudged her personality – maybe she was the sort to have emotionless one night stands. But then Alexis showed him the paper, and stood up for the detective.

"It isn't the kind of life she wants," Alexis had explained, "and I don't blame her."

Rick ended up just feeling guilty. And stupid. He had so much fun spending time with Kate – if only he hadn't pushed her, he would be tailing her at work right now – with the added bonus of getting inspiration for his next book.

After a month, he knew there was no chance. He'd been hoping that if he gave her some space, she would cool off and realise that she still liked him a lot. But it hadn't happened, and he had to resign himself to the fact that it wasn't going to.

...

Kate looked at herself in the mirror of the ladies room at the precinct. She looked fine. So why did she feel weird? Work was going well, they were about to catch the killer in another murder case... She looked in her purse for her lipgloss – but at first she found a tampon instead. She put it back and continued to look – and then she gasped. Frantically, she began to count. She knew the date from the stupid paper. And it had been way too long.

With shaking hands, she got out her phone and called Lanie.

"I need to see you. Now."

Lanie sounded surprised. "I thought the case was solved," she said, a question in her voice.

"Not about the case. It's... Look, I'm coming down there, okay?"

"Okay..." Lanie replied, wondering what on earth was up with her friend.

Kate dashed for the elevator, wishing it would go faster. When she got outside, she made a beeline for her car, and driving along she had to use all her willpower not to break the numerous traffic lights that turned against her. She reached the morgue, finally, and hurried in, flashing her badge so she could go down and see her friend.

"Right, so what is it?" Lanie asked in a firm but friendly tone.

Kate paused, unsure how to say it.

"Remember, about a month ago, I had a thing with Castle?"

"How could I forget? Look, did he call you again, because-"

"He didn't call me, Lanie. But... I'm late. And I'm _never _late. Not since I was fourteen."

Lanie gasped. "How late?"

Kate counted again, just to be sure. "Nearly three weeks."

Lanie went over to give her friend a hug.

"Look, Becks, you might not be preg-"

"Don't say it! And I know. I mean, we used protection..."

Lanie gave her a look. "Sounds to me like you're telling yourself that as well!"

Kate blushed. "We did! I mean, I know we did the first time. But we were drunk, and I think we did it again and we might not have...or maybe it burst or something...And we, you know, did it a lot that weekend. I can't remember if we used one every time."

Lanie laughed. "I never thought I would hear Kate Beckett saying a thing like that. This is a proud moment for me!"

Kate managed to laugh too. She hadn't thought it possible either.

"So I guess I should..." she trailed off again.

"Come on," Lanie said. "We'll go to my place – we can pick some tests up on the way."

Kate nodded, glad of the support of her friend, but also terrified.

"If I am... I have to keep it," she said quietly in the car on the way to the drugstore.

"I know what you mean – but don't over-think it. You don't know yet. When you know, you can decide what to do."

They ran into the store, picking up three different tests. Kate wanted to get more, but Lanie stopped her.

"As a qualified medical professional, I can tell you that two is enough. And that's only for false negatives – if any of them say yes you should go get it checked out."

Kate groaned. "That's another thing. I don't like my OBGYN. She's so judgemental – she doesn't think you should even hold hands before you're married. Which was fine before, since I had no sex life, but now..."

Lanie patted her on the shoulder. "You don't know yet. And you could go to mine – he's lovely."

"A guy?"

"He's cute too," Lanie said. "And I'd much rather have a cute guy down there than some mean old woman!"

Kate laughed. "I love your logic sometimes."

They took the tests to the till and paid for them. Thankfully, the spotty teen who served them didn't even notice what he was scanning. Kate paid, and they went back outside to the car. Kate glanced at the customer toilet as they were leaving.

"No," Lanie said, realising what she was thinking. "You don't want to find out here. Come on, my place is only five minutes away."

Kate sighed, and nodded. She bit her lip. She couldn't help thinking about what she would do. They reached Lanie's building, and got to her apartment. Kate took the tests and went into the bathroom; Lanie waited outside the door.

Kate looked at the little pink letters forming on the stick. She knew what it was going to say – the word was too long for 'NO'. One little word that would change her life – or another which would let everything go on as normal. And there it was. 'YES'. She stared at it as though it was in a different language. She thought about all the women who would be so happy to be in her place right now, all the women who hoped and prayed for children; all the women who would make such wonderful mothers. It filled her with guilt that here she was dreading a baby when there were so many people in the world who would give anything for one.

She could hear Lanie calling through the door. She decided to take another test before telling anyone anything. She ripped the packet, and took the test. You had to wait – she tried not to stare at the panel, but she couldn't help it. This time it was a cross if you were. She could see it forming – the tiny particles had no idea what they were doing to her. She stood up and looked in the mirror. Taking off her shirt, she looked at her flat, toned stomach. She couldn't believe that there was a baby in there. Her baby. And Richard Castle's baby.

Lanie gave up asking and just opened the door. She saw Kate staring into the mirror with no shirt, and her hands on her belly.

"I take it you are, then?"

Kate turned to her with a tear stained face. "Yes."


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

Kate sat down on Lanie's bed and rested her head on her knees. Lanie sat beside her, saying nothing – she knew Kate needed to think. After about five minutes, Kate sat up and went to get her purse. She came back into her room with her cell phone.

"I have to tell him," she said. Lanie nodded. Kate had a strong moral compass – she hated secrets, and would never hide something so important.

"Do you think I should tell him on the phone? If I ask him somewhere, he might get the wrong idea..."

Lanie thought about this. "You can tell him on the phone, but you have to meet with him as well. I guess you guys will have a lot to talk about."

Kate nodded, and found Rick's number in her contacts. It was lucky that she hadn't deleted it. She called it, and listened to the ringing. Lanie politely left the room, closing the door gently.

"Castle," he said into the phone.

"Hey, Castle, it's Kate."

"Beckett?"

"That's me," she said, wondering how many other Kates he knew.

"Well, hi. I really wasn't expecting to hear from you – you didn't return my calls..."

Kate felt bad, but he didn't sound too upset. "I'm sorry. I just... that weekend, I was acting so out of character. I needed to get back to my real life."

"That's okay. Alexis thought it might be something like that. She's a smart kid. She likes you – she told me I was stupid."

Kate smiled. He was being so sweet. "It takes two to tango. Which is sort of what I need to talk to you about."

"Oh?" he sounded surprised. Surely she didn't want to hook up again? No, it was something else. She sounded very preoccupied.

"I, uh... Well, I missed my period. So I took a test. And I'm pregnant. And I know it's yours, because frankly, I have no sex life."

She could hear him breathing on the end of the line. She waited.

"Do you want to go to dinner, to talk?" he said finally.

"I'll meet you at Remy's in an hour," she said. Rick smiled. She was still efficient and commanding, even when she was clearly worried out of her mind. He loved it.

...

It was still too early to leave. When Kate had gone, Rick walked through his apartment, feeling dazed. He didn't even know if she would keep the child – but he had a feeling she would. He hadn't known her long, and he had nothing against women who had abortions, but he didn't think Kate would want to. He thought it was funny that she had told him she had no sex life. He found it hard to believe – not that he thought she was easy – but he had been sure that she would have a boyfriend or something.

Alexis was out. He wouldn't have told her; it was Kate's business. But he knew he would have to be grown up about this. He had raised a child before, and miraculously, she had turned out amazingly. He hadn't been planning on doing it again – but he wouldn't dump everything on Kate. And he thought a child of theirs would be wonderful. And tall... He smiled to himself. He even made jokes in his head. He tried to second guess what Kate would want to do; how she would bring up a child, whether she would prefer a boy or a girl, whether she would stay at work... In the end he gave up, admitting to himself that he had no idea.

By that time it was late enough to head to Remy's, so he went out and got in a cab. When he arrived, she was already waiting outside. He was almost surprised that she looked the same – he had pictured her with a pregnant belly. He laughed at himself – she was only at one month, she wouldn't be showing for another two at least. He got out of the cab and went over to her with a friendly smile.

Kate saw Rick walking towards her, looking ruggedly handsome as always. She sighed. At least their baby would be a looker. Lanie had said that as she was leaving.

"I just want to say, before you say anything," Rick began, "that I am completely behind you with whatever you decide. I will support you as much or as little as you want."

Kate smiled, and nodded. He was nice, he was smart, he was funny, he was handsome – he could also be a huge pain in the ass – but nobody was perfect. They went inside, and were seated at the same table they had used a month ago. They both noticed, and laughed.

"Okay," Kate said, "So this is what I'm thinking. I'm going to have this baby, and I'm going to keep it. I don't know how everything will work out... But this life... Life is so valuable, and so important. Nothing could make me throw any life away. And you don't have to do anything – I don't want you to feel pressured into, I don't know, supporting me. Of course, if you want a relationship with the child once it's born, we'll work it out – but for now, I guess I'll just keep you updated?"

She had reacted pretty much in the way Rick had expected. She wasn't going to be all needy, and suggest that they try being a couple for the sake of the child. He didn't think she wanted that. He considered suggesting it himself – but that would just put her in a difficult position. He wanted to see her, though.

"Thanks. For not asking anything of me," he said with a smile. "But, if you don't mind, I'd like it if we could be friends. You're great – I enjoyed my time on the case with you so much – and maybe it wasn't the best idea to jump into bed with you, but fuck me, it was amazing, and I don't regret it. However, as a relatively responsible adult-" Kate raised her eyebrows, "-I'd just be friends with you. If that would be okay."

Kate bit her lip. "I would love for it to be okay. And I think it would be great for us to be friends, and it makes sense for the future – but I don't want to be in the limelight. And when someone's with you, they are. I don't want to be the woman Rick Castle got pregnant on a one night stand, who's clinging to him for support. And I'm worried that if we do hang out more, that's how people will see me."

Rick looked at the floor, then back to her face. "You don't have to be in the limelight. Alexis stays out of it – my private life can be private. We don't have to go to fancy parties together – we can just do normal stuff. And I have a plan to annoy you at work."

Kate groaned. "You aren't going to go through with that crazy idea of yours, are you?"

"The mayor owes me a favour. I think it's about time I used it."

Kate winced when she thought about what would happen at work when they found out she was pregnant. She didn't know if having Rick around would make things better or worse, especially with a situation where they weren't together. Rick seemed to read her mind.

"I wouldn't be a teenager about it, honestly. I won't talk about it at all. And when you tell them about our little bundle of joy, I'll just back you up – if we both feel the same way about it, we're both grown ups, and no one needs to look bad."

Kate ran what he had said through in her head. He could be very persuasive.

"Fine. But if you're a pain, you're out. And you're not coming to my OBGYN appointments either."

Rick laughed. "Thank God. You know, when Meredith was pregnant with Alexis, she made me go – they have this long, plastic wand thing-"

"I'll stop you right there. I have to live through it, I don't want to think about it before then."

"Fair enough. By the way, since you told me... I tried to remember, but I could have sworn I used protection every time. I mean, there were a lot of times, and I didn't keep count, but..."

"I thought so too," she said.

"Ninety-nine percent effective my ass," he said sourly. Kate laughed at his frowning face, and his lips spread into a smile.

"I'm glad you seem okay about it."

Kate smiled. "Well, I'm not even showing yet. And it's a baby, not a monster."

Rick laughed. "You just keep thinking that if it makes you happy."

Kate looked down at her shirt. "I'm going to have to buy new clothes. I'm going to be fat," she groaned.

Rick smiled. "You'll still be hotter than all the women I know. And your boobs'll get bigger."

"Aren't they big enough?" Kate teased, looking down at her chest.

"They're lovely. But I will still enjoy it when they grow."

"Shut up."

He just laughed. Kate watched him. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Hanging out with him was fun. But she had a feeling things would get more difficult – especially when she had to start telling people.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

Kate stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom – she hadn't felt this bad since she and Maddie were in the 10th grade and had been smuggled into a club by Maddie's older sister and people had bought her drinks all night. She made it to the toilet just in time, and collapsed over it. Her stomach heaved; her whole body convulsed – it felt like all her insides were pouring out of her mouth. When she was completely exhausted and there was nothing left in her stomach to come out of it, she flushed, and went to brush her teeth. She caught sight of her ghostly white face in the mirror, and decided to finish in the bedroom so she wouldn't have to confront her reflection.

When she felt slightly more human, she got in the shower, beginning her routine for getting ready for work. She wasn't having coffee any more – it felt like a piece of her life was missing. She pulled on her favourite jeans – they still fit fine. She wondered how much longer she'd be able to wear them; she didn't want to stretch them out, but maybe it wouldn't matter. She'd read that it could take years to get your figure back anyway.

She thought about making breakfast, but she couldn't face it. She had her first appointment with Lanie's doctor that afternoon – maybe he'd tell her what she could eat. She made sure she wasn't going to be sick again, then left for work.

When she arrived, Rick was there already, and he informed her that they had just caught a body. She sighed, and rode the elevator back down with him. The jolt in her stomach made her wonder if she was going to throw up again.

"You look a little green, detective," Rick commented. "You okay?"

"I hear there's a thing called morning sickness. But don't worry – if I am sick again, the satisfaction of aiming it at you will more than make up for it."

He laughed. "You wouldn't."

Kate shook her head with a smile. "I don't know. I think this baby hates me – it makes me sick, it stops me from drinking coffee... And it's only a bunch of cells right now. Think of what it'll be like when it's got a brain."

Rick grinned. "Maybe it's just at odds with itself – I mean, half me, half you – talk about a split personality."

Kate couldn't help but laugh. "So, your buddy the mayor came through for you, then?"

Rick pretended to be upset. "Don't act like you don't want me here. And yes, he did."

Kate grimaced. "Well, just as long as this detective in the new book isn't having a kid."

"No problem. It'll be like, what would have happened if we _hadn't _slept together."

Kate laughed. "So there'll be a you character in it too?"

"Oh, I think so. We make such a good team – all this banter."

They were at her car by now. She got in to drive.

"Shouldn't I drive?" he teased.

"Castle. I am pregnant, not disabled. Which reminds me, will you cover for me this afternoon? I have to go see the Doc."

"Sure. Good luck with that," he added with a wink.

"I'll bring you a copy of the picture," she said sarcastically.

"Actually, would you? I won't show anyone. Oh, and I wanted to ask, when can I tell Alexis?"

Kate thought about it. "There's nothing to stop you from telling her now. I mean, don't tell her until after the doctor confirms it, but after that I don't mind. Lanie knows already – and I'll probably tell them at work when I get to about three months."

Rick nodded. "I'll just tell her then too – makes things simpler."

"Thanks," she said, a genuine smile breaking across her face.

"So, what's your doctor like?"

"I don't know. He's Lanie's. Never met him. But she says he's young and cute."

Rick laughed. "What's his name?"

"What will his name tell you?"

"It could be very revealing. Names are important, and people fit them."

Kate laughed. "You writers, reading so much into everything. His name's Samuel Johnson. And Lanie says she's ninety percent sure he's gay."

"He sounds perfect," Rick said, once again grinning like a Cheshire cat. Kate gave him a look, and he toned down his expression, but he still looked happy.

"Hey, speaking of names-" he began, but Kate cut him off.

"We have eight months. Are we going to talk about it _all _the time?"

"Hey, I'm just excited."

Kate was suddenly furious. She pulled up at the side of the road.

"Excited! You're excited. And of course, why wouldn't you be? This is all just a big laugh to you – a bit of a 'whoops' – but now you're just rolling with it, and _enjoying _it – and why shouldn't you? Your job isn't at risk. Your future isn't in jeopardy. Your Dad isn't going to judge you. You aren't puking your guts out every morning – and you can even still drink coffee! And you know what – if you hadn't been so damn drunk, if you'd just managed to put the condom on right, none of this would be happening!"

Rick coloured, and he did feel sorry for her, but he was angry with her too. "You're not being fair, and you know it. You were just as drunk as I was – neither of us intended for this to happen. But since it has, I'm trying to make the best of it – it's a beautiful thing; we can look at it as something good."

Kate sighed. "I'm just saying, you aren't going to have to make all the changes I'll have to. I like my life the way it is. And I'm scared, and angry, and confused... I don't know where I am. I'll work it out – but for right now, would you mind not going on about it so much?"

Rick nodded. "I'm sorry. I do feel bad – I wish there was more I could do to help you. But it is a positive thing – you say you like your life – but why did you sleep with me?"

Kate stayed quiet. She didn't want to say "Because I was plastered," but that was the answer that came into her head.

"You're thinking because you were drunk," he said with a smile. "But it wasn't. You did it more than once, for one thing, and you weren't drunk every time. And even if you were, you knew what you were doing... I think you did it because you were bored. And why not? I enjoyed it, I hope you did too?"

Kate gave in and smiled at him. "Yes," she said grudgingly.

"So, if you were bored with your life, maybe change isn't such a bad thing. And yes, I know this is a massive change and not the change you would have picked – but it's going to be okay. More than that. It'll be great."

Kate looked at him. "You better hope so," she said, winking. "You know, I think it's mostly the lack of coffee."

"I'll leave it out too, if it makes you feel better."

"Nah, that'd make me feel mean. You'll just have to be perky for the both of us."

Rick laughed. "Come on then. The body awaits."

Kate began to drive again, glad that Rick had made her feel better. She had been ready to throw him out of the car. She hoped the mood swings wouldn't last the rest of the eight months.

The afternoon arrived far too quickly. Kate had driven herself to the clinic. It seemed nice – it was clean and modern. There were pictures of trees in the waiting room, and leafy green plants. She looked around at the other women there – one of them was very pregnant, smiling happily as she flicked through the trashy magazine in her hands. Rather than taking another magazine, Kate sat looking at the trees, feeling out of place. All the other women in there were wearing 'mom' clothes. She didn't want to be stereotypical – but she looked at her freshly pressed work blouse, and 4 inch black stiletto heels, and it was obvious that she didn't match. Even her short, ruffled hair didn't fit in. She bit her lip, then stopped herself. She knew she bit her lip too much.

"Katherine Beckett," the receptionist called out. Kate went up to the desk.

"You can go and get changed now – the doctor will see you when you're ready."

Kate nodded, trying not to be nervous. It was just a doctor. And even if he would judge her, she could handle it. She was tough; she had dealt with far worse. She put on the scratchy white gown that smelled like bleach, and hung her clothes up neatly in the changing room. She couldn't help but feel silly, padding through to the examination room in her bare feet. She hopped up on the bed, and looked at the floor. She almost laughed at the set up with the stool and the little things to put your feet on. Would aliens work it out if they found one of these things years in the future when humanity had died out?

The doctor came in.

"Hey, Miss Beckett, I'm Dr Johnson, we spoke on the phone," he said. He seemed friendly. And Lanie was right – he was cute.

"Hi," she said. She hoped she didn't sound as awkward as she felt.

"So – congratulations." He beamed at her. Maybe there was such a thing as too happy.

"Thanks," she said, trying to hide the sarcasm from her voice. She didn't quite manage it. And now she felt bad – he looked embarrassed now.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to be rude – it's just, this is a bit of a surprise."

He was back to smiling. "They usually are. Want to take a look?"

"That's what I'm here for, right?" she said with a sigh. He motioned to the foot-things. Kate wondered if it would be weird to ask what they were called. She put her feet on them and lay back, trying to think about something else. She heard him sit down on the chair. She didn't try to look at him – she had seen enough movies to know she wouldn't be able to see, and she'd be more comfortable not looking anyway.

"This is going to feel really weird, and kind of cold," he said to her. She didn't know if she was supposed to answer. She mumbled an 'okay' and tried not to shudder. She was glad Rick wasn't there.

"Okay, Miss Beckett, if you just look to the screen on your right, you'll see your baby. It has a strong heart beat."

She looked at the screen. "So it's definitely there, then," she said to herself. She looked at the flicker that was the heartbeat. It was so small. Nothing really. She could hardly believe that it was going to grow into a person.

When she was dressed again, and Dr Johnson had taken a blood test, she went back to sit in his office. He handed her two print outs of the scan, and pointed out the baby. Tears prickled in her eyes.

"You'll work it out," he said gently. She smiled.

"I know. I'm actually happy, I think."

He grinned. "That's good. So, as for advice – you can pick up a leaflet at the desk, and read as many books as you want, but they all say different things, and the leaflet is pretty big, and covers everything anyway. Mostly it's just, eat healthy, don't do exercise that's too strenuous when you get further along – as for sex, that's fine. In fact, some people say it helps make the birth easier. And I'll see you for another check up in a month – any questions?"

"I do combat training, but I've already called the guy and told him I want to stop. I'm afraid I don't think sex is likely – any other tips for that?"

Dr Johnson laughed. "I'm afraid not – but it's just a rumour. I tell people because it makes them feel more comfortable – they all seem to hear that it's bad."

She liked him a lot for not asking about the whole situation – but she felt bad for bringing it up.

"Sorry. I blurt things out when I'm nervous. The father... it's complicated. We're friends. And he works with me. We get on great, and he's going to be involved. But we're not together."

"Fair enough. Don't worry, I'm here to support you and that kid, no questions asked."

"Thanks. Is there anything I can do about morning sickness?"

Dr Johnson looked sympathetic. "There are some pills – but they don't work for everyone, and some doctors think they could have negative effects on the baby. Nothing major, but a lot of women choose not to take them. It depends how bad the sickness is – I can give you the name of the medication, and you can look it up – if you want it, give me a call and I'll sort it out for you."

Kate hadn't been expecting a solution – she knew a lot of women who had suffered from morning sickness but none of them had ever been given anything to take for it. She finished up with the doctor, and thanked him again. She collected the leaflets and went back to work – she had only been gone a few hours, and she arrived at the precinct at four-thirty.

"So, detective Beckett, how's that _lead that you went to check out_?" Castle asked her pointedly.

"Nothing major to report – just confirmed what we thought already," she answered, joining him on the desk opposite the murder board. She handed him an envelope – she'd written _Microscopic Half Castle _on it. He laughed.

"It's because there's already a big Castle and a little Castle," she muttered in his ear. He opened it, and grinned at the ultrasound picture.

"It has your ass," he whispered. She punched him, gently, on the arm. "Did everything go okay?" he asked more seriously.

"Yeah, fine. Weird and awkward, but fine. He's going to call to tell me if my blood has the right things in it after it's been to the lab, so next week sometime."

"Great. Hey, it's nearly five now – you want to grab a coffee-I mean, an orange juice, after work?"

Kate thought about it. "Maybe. I guess. But I don't want to talk about this afternoon."

"Fine by me. You could come over to mine – Lex will be there, she'd love to see you."

"Are you sure?" Kate asked uncertainly.

"Positive. She thought you were great when she met you when she was bailing me out of jail."

"I can't believe I'm having a child with a man whose other child has to pay his bail!"

"Yeah, you are pretty dumb," he teased. "Come on, I'm not _that _bad."

Kate laughed. "You're alright. Annoying. Full of yourself. But alright. And if you're sure Alexis won't mind, I'd love to come round to yours."

"I'll text her to tell her – she'll be delighted."

Kate liked the idea of Rick's family wanting to see her. She was pleased she'd made a good impression, and hoped she could be friends with his mother and daughter – who would soon be grandmother and sister to her baby.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

_Five months later_

Kate cursed under her breath as she once again stabbed herself with a needle. Sitting at the coffee table in Rick's apartment, surrounded by the contents of Martha's sewing box, she was trying to alter some of her pants so they would still fit her – she had spent the morning searching through the maternity sections in about ten different clothes stores, but had found nothing she liked. She knew she was being fussy – but Martha, who had been with her, suggested she took some of her less special clothes and altered them. It had sounded like a great idea at the time - and Martha had done a wonderful job with a pair of jeans – but sewing just wasn't Kate's calling.

Rick wandered into the room, saw Kate's face, and wandered straight out again. He wasn't fast enough.

"Castle," she said. "Come on. I need ideas here. This sewing thing is not going to work."

With a well concealed groan, Rick came back in and sat beside her.

"You're doing fine," he lied, looking at the pants that now had half an elastic waistband attached.

"You're a liar. I have to buy things, but I couldn't find anything."

Rick thought about this. "I could buy you some stuff. I'm good at shopping for people."

Kate thought about the dress he had bought her for that party. She couldn't deny that it had suited her perfectly.

"Fine. But I'm paying you back."

"Deal. And I think my mother is enjoying altering your clothes – so this plan wasn't a total bust."

Kate sighed. "You're right. I'm just in a bad mood. I have to miss work on Monday for the ultrasound."

"Most people would be happy at the idea of missing work."

"You know I'm not most people. Although, since I don't have anything to wear..." she looked pointedly at the pair of his grey sweatpants and superman t-shirt that she was dressed in.

"You could catch criminals like that," he said, deadpan. "Look, you seem exhausted – why don't I take you home, where you can have a nice hot bath, and then chill watching TV or something, and I'll go get you some clothes, and then bring some Chinese food back to your place for dinner."

Kate wished she could think of a better plan for her Saturday night – she didn't like Rick being her knight in shining armour. But she gave up – he was good at it, and it felt nice.

"Okay, thanks." She smiled at him. "That sounds wonderful."

"What is it with women and baths, though?" he asked on the way there. "Don't you get bored? And your fingers go all wrinkly..."

"I read in the bath. Which solves both of those problems."

"That's even worse – risking your books like that."

"I'm careful. Plus, this-" she pointed at her belly, "-provides a fantastic book-rest."

Rick laughed. "How is CB?"

CB was their name for the baby – their last names, and also short for CBGB, which had been Kate's favourite club.

"Fine. I haven't been sick in a while, so maybe it's more settled. Sometimes it kicks."

"Will we find out tomorrow if it's a boy or a girl? Don't tell me, you're one of those weird women who wants it to be a surprise."

Kate laughed. "They aren't weird. But I want to know."

"Any preference?"

"Nope. I guess... I always imagined having a boy first – but I also imagined being married, living in a house outside the city, and quitting my job to start a family... And of course, I'll love CB just as much either way. What about you?"

"Firstly, well said. And I don't mind either. And I also want to know."

Kate groaned. "Montgomery's going to take me out of the field soon. He said he doesn't mind me staying at work, but CB and I will be confined to my desk any day now."

Rick patted her on the knee. "It's for the best, and you know that really."

They had reached her place, so they went upstairs. Rick went into her bathroom to run her a bath while she poured herself a glass of water, looking longingly at the wine cabinet.

"Cheer up," he said, coming into the kitchen. "Alcohol's bad for you, anyway."

She laughed. "CB says he's the living proof."

Rick winked. "He? So you really do want a boy then."

Kate stuck her tongue out. "I will be just as delighted with a girl. But I think even a girl would prefer being 'he' to being 'it'."

"Well, let's hope _he _doesn't mind. And as for the living proof thing – maybe, but I think CB's a good thing."

"Of course he is," Kate said fondly. "But I am never going to be proud of that night."

Rick laughed. "I guess I'm not proud of it. But I do cherish the memory. And replay the memory of those nights, actually, in my head."

"Shh. No innuendo around CB."

"CB is the product of innuendo, he might as well get used to it if he isn't already."

Kate took her water to the bathroom and checked the water. Rick had got the temperature just right. Sometimes he was even annoying by being perfect. He appeared behind her.

"I'll go shop, then," he said cheerfully. "Have a nice bath."

"Thanks," she said, turning round to smile at him.

"Always."

...

Rick returned carrying several huge shopping bags, which he dumped on her couch, and a paper bag from their favourite Chinese restaurant. He looked around the apartment, and found Kate in bed re-reading Storm Season.

"Did I ever tell you what excellent taste you have in literature?" he said, flopping down beside her and giving her the bag.

"It's not literature," she said, closing the book and putting it on her nightstand. "Wow, you got everything!" she added as she peeked into the bag of take-out.

"I take it you're hungry?"

"Not just me – CB's famished too. How was your afternoon – I hope it wasn't too boring?"

Rick grinned. "Nah, it was fun. Your stuff's in the living room."

"How much do I owe you?"

"About fifty bucks," he said, looking at her sideways. "What? I bought it all in second hand shops."

"You're lying. I'll look through it and add it up myself."

"As you wish. Anyway, you only owe me if you like the stuff."

"If I don't like it, at least I have someone else to blame."

"True. But you're annoyed with me so much already it won't make much of a difference."

Kate smiled at him again over her carton of food.

"I'm not annoyed with you now."

"It won't last. What are you doing tomorrow?"

"Nothing much. Lanie's coming round, we're going to have a girly day..."

"You don't sound exactly thrilled at the idea."

Kate sighed. "It's to take my mind off CB – whatever I do, I always end up talking about him. She thinks it'll be good for me to have a day that isn't about CB."

"That's not a bad idea."

"I know. Except that he's kind of hard to forget."

"Like an elephant in the room..."

"I will hurt you."

"See, back to annoyed already. But the day might still be fun – what happens on a girly day?"

"Uhm, trying on clothes and make up, online shopping, watching movies with hot guys in, taking quizzes in magazines..."

"Sounds like the sleepovers Alexis has."

"It is. It's exactly the same. Except without the alcohol."

Rick pretended to be shocked. "She might be drinking?"

Kate laughed. "Just make sure I don't catch her."

He gave her a look. "Soon it won't matter – you're going to be a desk cop."

"Are you trying to get me to kick you out?"

"No. I'm persuading you that spending time with your friend will at least be better than spending time with me."

"It's working."

"Excellent. About the ultrasound-"

"Yes, you can come. I figured you'd want to."

Rick grinned at her and put his hand on her belly.

"See you soon, CB."

She smiled. "Cute." Then she felt a jolt.

"If I say anything," she muttered, "I will sound like that idiot Bella from Twilight – but I think he likes the sound of your voice."

Rick leaned in and whispered in her ear. "You are way to sassy to sound like Bella. And it's okay, you don't need to say anything, I felt the kick too."

Instead of moving back to the other side of the bed, he stayed close, settling himself more comfortably so he could keep his hand on her stomach.

"Well, this is very domestic," he said after a while. Kate looked at the bed. The food was finished, and the cartons were strewn over the sheets. She was dressed in a tent-like t-shirt, panties, and her bathrobe; Rick had kicked off his shoes and was snuggled in beside her.

"Oh, God, it's like we're married. Poor CB..."

Rick laughed, and got off the bed. "Come on, Beckett, time to get up – you have to clear up and change your sheets – you have a guest coming tomorrow."

"_I _have to clear up. What about you?"

"I have to go," he said, but he picked up all the rubbish and put it in the trash can in the kitchen before he left.

"The ultrasound's in the morning, isn't it? I'll pick you up if you want."

It made sense from a geographical point of view. "Okay, thanks."

Kate began to change the sheets on her bed. She put the dirty ones in her washer-dryer and set the cycle, then went to sleep listening to its familiar hum. She didn't even look in the bags Rick had left – she would leave that until the next day.

...

Lanie arrived at ten the next morning; Kate was up, but still in her t-shirt and robe. She opened the door and smiled at her friend.

"So, what's the plan?"

"Whatever you want, girl. I brought some movies, some chocolate – and some grape juice."

Kate laughed. "You thought of everything. The first thing I guess I have to do is look at the clothes Castle bought me."

"He bought you clothes? You two may not be together, but you act like you're married."

"No we don't. I think he just did it to shut me up."

"Even more married. Come on then – are these them?" she asked, gesturing to the bags on the couch.

"Yeah..." Kate closed her eyes as she delved in the bags – but she was pleasantly surprised. Rick had managed to find things that fitted with her usual style, but would also fit over CB. Lanie was very impressed.

"If he weren't Castle, I might even suggest that you _should _marry him," she commented, admiring a cute checked blouse that fanned out at the bottom.

"Yeah well... He is Castle. But he's improving – I was sure that, what with the mood swings and everything, something he would do would make me throw him out of my life. But he's actually growing on me."

"You sure about that?" Lanie asked, laughing as she picked up a bag containing four new bras. "He's put a note in it – _You need them, you've gone up two sizes! _- that's kind of friendly..."

"Oh, it's just Castle. He's always like that" She looked at the bras. "He got the new size right, too."

"It's just Castle? Beckett, if you mean to tell me he flirts with you like that all the time..."

"It's not flirting. We're like that with each other – we just fell into it. I guess there was nothing new, after we slept together."

"You may not see it as flirting, but how do you know he doesn't?"

Kate gave her a look. "Even if he does, he knows it's not going anywhere. I think he's just playing, anyway."

Lanie tutted. "If you say so."

Kate stuck her tongue out. "Want to help me put these away? Then we can have chocolate, fake wine, and a movie."

"Sure, sounds great," her friend answered, accepting the change of subject.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

Rick told the taxi driver to wait and got out to push the buzzer to Kate's apartment. She appeared almost instantly at the front door, dressed in some of the clothes he had bought her.

"I take it you like them, then?" he said, and although his tone was light, he was actually quite curious – and very pleased that she was wearing them.

"Yeah – you're good at buying clothes for women. You should put it on your CV."

"I don't have a CV; I'm self employed."

Kate laughed. "I forgot. Lucky."

The driver took them to the clinic. Rick looked around the waiting room. "At least it doesn't have pictures of cross sections of pregnant women," he mused.

"I know right? That's part of the reason I decided to say."

"Yeah. The trees are just lovely. And combined with the real plants – it's as if we were in a forest."

Kate couldn't help but laugh at the airy voice he had put on. They went to the desk, and the receptionist smiled at them – well, mostly at Rick.

"You must be Mr Beckett," she said, arching her back so her boobs stuck out.

"Actually, I'm-" Kate elbowed him in the ribs, "-I mean, it's nice to meet you, yes, I'm Kate's _husband_."

The receptionist told them to sit. They did so, but Rick wanted answers.

"Why didn't you let me tell her I'm not your husband?" he muttered in her ear.

"Because you're famous. And because she hits on every man that walks in here, and most of them are married to the women."

"You didn't want her to think badly of you? I didn't think you'd care what someone like her thought."

"I don't, exactly. But... It's complicated."

"I think it's not. I think it's very simple – you were jealous."

"Jealous?" she said incredulously. "Why would I be jealous?"

Rick looked at her, and then back at the receptionist.

"If you're not jealous, can I go get her number? I won't tell her my real name."

"No. Because that would be exploiting her."

"She doesn't look as though she would mind."

Kate just turned away from him, refusing to speak until the receptionist told her the doctor was ready. She got up to leave. Rick felt bad; he knew her hormones must be driving her crazy, and also that these check ups were uncomfortable to say the least.

"Sorry," he said, and took her hand. She heard the sincerity in his voice and managed a smile.

"That's okay. And I know you see other women – but aren't you sort of with Gina right now?"

Rick half nodded, half shook his head. "Kind of. We're taking a break... but yeah, sort of."

While Kate was changing, he thought about his rekindled relationship with his second ex wife. He wasn't sure how things were going. Gina had gone away for a two week holiday in Europe, saying she thought they both needed some space to figure things out. Rick wasn't even sure why they'd been fighting; they'd managed a good couple of months. He knew she wasn't too keen on him spending so much time with Kate, but he had explained, and she had said she understood. He hadn't known Kate had known about her, though. He wondered if Kate really was jealous – but he put that thought out of his mind. She had made it very clear she just wanted them to be friends.

Kate changed into the gown, feeling its starchy rustle against her skin. She needed a larger one every time. Optimistically, she kept her underwear on. She went through and smiled at Dr Johnson. He had been friendly and kind at every appointment; he even called the baby CB.

"So – how are you both doing today?" he asked, his usual smile firmly on his face.

"We're alright. CB's growing..."

"They do that," he said cheerfully. "Well, we're doing the scan today. And-"

There was a knock on the door, and Rick put his head around.

"Is it safe for me to come in?"

Kate laughed. "No. But you should come in anyway."

Rick gave her a look, but Dr Johnson interrupted their stares.

"You must be CB's other half, Mr Castle?"

"Yeah, that's me."

"Well, it's great to meet you. You know what we're going to do today?"

Rick nodded. Dr Johnson smiled even more (Kate hadn't realised that was even possible) and began to sort out the equipment. Kate settled herself, pulling up the weird blue sheet over her legs and lying down on the bed. She watched her pregnant belly stick up in the air like a mountain and wondered if CB was comfy in there. Rick waited politely at the edge of the room, but went to stand beside her once she was lying down.

"I bet you $50 it's a girl," he said to Kate.

She laughed. "You're on."

"Really?"

Kate grinned. "CB gives off a very male vibe I think. And even before that, I had a 50% chance of being right."

"Do you think CB minds?"

"Nah. I won't like CB less if she turns out to be a girl. I might like _you _less. But that might well happen anyway."

"Your faith in our friendship bowls me over every day," he said, moving out of the way so Dr Johnson could squirt the special, cold gel over Kate's stomach. He began spreading it around with the scanner. Rick and Kate both stared at the screen, waiting for in Rick's case, his first chance to see CB live.

Kate gasped when she saw the tiny body. It was so different from the last scan; CB looked so human. So real. She realised she had hardly believed that she had a baby inside her until today – she had known it, and lived it – but now she was thinking about the consequences, and the person that was actually growing within her body. She felt tears prickle in her eyes, but willed them to stay in.

Rick was equally bemused. He stared at his child, this magical life. Then he grinned – it was getting too soppy.

"So, DJ – is CB a boy or a girl?"

The doctor looked intently at the screen, moving the scanner around.

"Ah," he said suddenly. "You see that?"

He pointed at the screen. Kate and Rick couldn't see anything, but they both said "Yeah..?"

"Well, that's his penis. Definitely a boy."

"Dammit," Rick teased. "Not to you, CB. I wanted you to be a boy too. But I also wanted Beckett to be wrong. And I didn't think she would take the bet."

Kate laughed. "I would have been thrilled either way."

"So, can we start thinking about names now?" Rick asked, full of excitement.

"Can I wash the goo off myself, and get dressed, first?"

"Fine. But hurry up!" he said. Dr Johnson, unsurprisingly, smiled at them both.

"You two seem like you're going to make great parents. And if you don't mind me saying so, though I know you're just friends, I can see how CB happened."

Kate laughed sarcastically. "Unless you have a hidden stash of booze somewhere in here, I highly doubt that."

Rick winked at her. "I think what the good doctor is referring to is my sparkling wit."

Kate narrowed her eyes. "Maybe he's just being entirely medical, has x-ray vision, and a good imagination."

"Go wash the goo off yourself," was all Rick could say to that, and Kate was happy to do so.

In the cab on the way to the precinct Kate was subjected to an onslaught of baby names from a list Rick had obviously been compiling for months.

"Greg?"

"No."

"Harvey?"

"No."

"Alia?"

"Castle, CB is a boy. Alia is a beautiful name, but not for a boy."

"Fine. But if CB had been a girl, would we have called him Alia?"

"I don't know. Maybe. Probably. I like it. Well done. But the thing is, he isn't."

"What's wrong with Harvey?"

"I don't know, I just don't like it. We have three months, anyway. CB can stay CB for a bit longer, he's not fussed."

"Calvin?"

"Nice. But makes me think of underwear. And C? Calvin Castle..."

"But Calvin Beckett would mean he was still CB."

"He's still going to be CB whatever we call him."

"Only because you say no to everything. Although I do think it should be Castle-Beckett, you're right. What about, uhm... Matthew?"

"No... I like it, but my friend just had a baby named Matthew, and I don't want to copy her."

"Fair enough. Joseph?"

"Hmm. I like it. Put it on the list."

"This is the list."

"Put it on the good list, then."

"I thought we weren't thinking about it yet. How come there's a good list?"

"Either get out that smart phone of yours and make a good list, or we won't think about it until I'm in labour."

Rick got out his phone. "Nathan?" he asked as he opened the document.

"Seriously? The guy from that sci-fi show? I think this is a cue for me to leave this conversation. But keep working on the good list – you know me well enough to know what I'll veto. I'll look at it later. Or tomorrow."

"But before you're in labour?"

"Yes. Definitely before then." She became a little more serious. "I am excited about it, Castle. It's just... there are so many problems, and I'm so tired. I love CB more than anything, but my life is about to get so complicated..."

Rick sighed. "I know what you mean. Maybe I should talk to Gina. She's getting back tomorrow."

"You should. Gina's sweet. Why was she away?"

"I don't know. I don't understand women. She _says _she's fine with CB and everything – I did what you told me and explained the whole thing to her before we even started dating again and she said it was fine, and that she loves Alexis, and she'll love CB too. She even told me she thinks it's great that we spend time together. But then she gets all mad about tiny things, and insists it's nothing to do with us and CB, but what else could it be?"

Kate wondered what to say. "It probably is to do with you spending so much time with me. I mean, to someone who doesn't know how our relationship works, it would be easy to feel threatened. So just spend more time with her, reassure her."

"Thanks. That's good advice. But since when do you like Gina?"

"I don't, particularly. But she's a woman who fell for your charms, and I can empathise with that."

"So basically you hate her, but you still want her life to be nice?"

"I don't hate her. I just don't know her. And who said anything about nice? – I'm trying to help you keep her as your girlfriend – arguably, I'm plotting how to keep her in hell on earth."

"Charming. Will you tell CB you think so badly of being with me?"

"No... but I'm guessing he might figure out, as he grows older, that since we're not together, we don't want to be with each other."

They had arrived at the precinct. Kate felt a little bad about what she had just said but she couldn't pinpoint exactly why. Rick felt a little wounded – but was in a similar situation. They both opted for putting it out of their minds, choosing to concentrate on the fresh murder that had arrived on Kate's desk.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

Rick paced around his apartment, holding a large bouquet of flowers and wearing a grim expression. He was waiting for Gina, and he was more than a little worried that she wouldn't be in a good mood. Alexis appeared on the stairs but when she saw her father she hurried up them again. She would wait to talk to him until after he had welcomed his girlfriend.

Rick heard the door click and pasted a smile on his face. Gina came in and beamed at him.

"Hey, Ricky," she said, putting down her bag and going to kiss him on the cheek.

"Hey, Gina," he replied, handing her the flowers. "Did you have a good time?"

"Oh, these are beautiful. And yes, it was nice. But I need to talk to you."

"Oh?" Rick felt the panic creep through his body.

"I was in Spain. It was gorgeous – stunning weather, great food, fantastic shopping... But all I could think about was you, and Alexis. I missed you. And I just wanted to tell you that this thing... It's so much more real to me now, and so important to me. I'm so glad we're together again."

Rick grinned widely, partly with relief. "I missed you too," he said as he moved in to kiss her. She kissed him passionately, and then they sat together so she could tell him all about her trip. Alexis came downstairs and gave Gina a hug.

"It's nice to have you back," she said, but Rick sensed she wasn't being completely sincere. He would have to talk to her about it later. She disappeared again to do some homework, and Rick and Gina continued to talk.

"Sometimes I get the feeling that Alexis doesn't like me very much," Gina said sadly.

"Of course she likes you," Rick insisted. "She's just a teenager. And it's hard, accepting a new woman of the house – it's always been just her and me, in her eyes."

"If you say so," Gina said, trying to be convinced. "What have you been doing while I was away?"

"Nothing much. Writing a bit. Working at the precinct."

"How's CB?"

Rick's face cracked into a wide smile that made his eyes crinkle at the corners. "We found out he's a he yesterday. The ultrasound... it was amazing. And I think Kate's doing well too. She doesn't like how big she's getting, though."

"I don't imagine many women do." Gina smiled. "Have you thought of any names yet?"

"I'm making a list. The only name I've suggested that Kate hasn't vetoed is Joseph."

Gina wrinkled her nose. "Really, Joseph? I don't like it..."

Rick was about to say that it was really up to Kate, when he realised how that would make Gina feel. If he was looking after CB half the time, Gina would be as well. He didn't know why that made him feel a little uncomfortable, but he put it down to feeling the same way about CB as he did about Alexis.

"I'll talk to her. Do you have any ideas for the list?"

Gina thought hard, smiling again. "Rory?"

Rick knew Kate would say no, but he diligently added it to the list on his phone. After a little more chatter, Gina said she wanted to take a nap because she was tired after the journey. Rick gave her another kiss, then went upstairs to talk to Alexis.

When he entered the room, she was sitting at her desk, concentrating a little too hard on her Physics textbook.

"Hey, Pumpkin," he said, going to sit on the bed. She turned to face him and smiled.

"Hi Dad. What's up?"

"Just seeing how you're doing."

"Well, I'm fine. But you seem to have something you want to talk to me about."

Rick laughed. She could read him so well. "You're right. Okay. Look, honey, I know you're never anything but politeness itself – but why don't you like Gina?"

Alexis feigned surprise. "What? I do like Gina. She's lovely."

Rick frowned. "Alexis..."

She sighed, and looked at the floor. "Dad, I want to like her. And I try, I really do. But..."

"What, sweetheart?"

"It's not the same."

"What's not the same."

"When Gina's here..."

"What's it not the same as?"

Alexis bit her lip. "It's not the same as when Kate's here."

Rick took her hand. "But of course it's not the same. Beckett and I work together. Gina's my girlfriend. It's not supposed to be the same."

Alexis shrugged. "I think you and Kate make a better couple. Gina just tells us what to do and wants us to be different from what we are. Kate's just fun. And what about CB?"

Rick was beginning to get a little annoyed. "Beckett and I have got the CB arrangement sorted. This is the 21st century, we don't have to be married!"

Alexis sniffed. "But wouldn't it be nice for CB to have two parents? I just think you and Kate would be so good at it..."

"We'll still be his parents, Lex. But Gina will be his parent, too."

"Won't Gina mind that Kate and CB will be around the house a lot?"

"I don't think so. Will Kate be here too?"

Alexis looked at him, shocked. "I thought the whole point of you two being together all the time was because you wanted to be friends so you could hang out with CB!"

Rick tried to smile. "Not the whole point. We're friends because we get along well. But I see what you mean. I'm sure we'll still see Kate after CB's born. But she'll probably want to work – it'll be nice for her to have people that can look after him while she goes back to doing her job the way she likes to do it."

Alexis shook her head. "I don't think it'll be like that, Dad. Did you miss Gina, when she was away?"

It was Rick's turn to sigh. "I guess so. But I was busy, I didn't have time to think about her much."

"You were busy hanging out with Kate."

"Working! Don't be so stubborn, Lex!"

Alexis shrugged again. "Fine. I won't tell you the truth. But you're not thinking things through enough, Dad. If you're taking the next step with Gina, you're stepping away from Kate – and maybe CB too."

Rick got up from the bed. "Don't say things like that, Alexis. And from now on, would you try to be nicer to Gina?"

"Fine," Alexis mumbled, but she was clearly upset. Rick decided to leave her to it; he thought she was being unreasonable.

When he had gone, Alexis got out her phone.

"Beckett." Kate answered on the second ring.

"Hey, Detective Beckett, it's Alexis."

"Alexis? Hi! What's up, honey? You sound upset."

"Yeah, I... Can I meet you?"

"Uhm, sure. I'm just leaving work – do you want me to pick you up and we can go to my place?"

"Thanks, that would be great. I'll be waiting outside – don't ring the bell."

"Okay – see you in about 15 minutes, then."

"Thanks."

"No problem. Bye."

"Bye..."

Kate ended the call. She wondered what was wrong. Alexis was very rarely so upset. She wondered what the girl wanted to talk about, and hoped everything was okay with Rick and Gina. Maybe it was something to do with that – Gina had arrived back that day. Kate hoped they weren't fighting. She drove to Rick's apartment and found Alexis waiting outside. The girl had been crying; she got into the car and tried to hide her face. Kate didn't comment – she had conducted enough interviews to know that it would be better to wait for Alexis to speak – she would say what she wanted to say when she was ready.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

"You want something to drink?"Kate asked as she unlocked the door to her apartment.

"Uh, just a glass of water, please," Alexis said quietly. She hovered in the doorway while Kate went to the kitchen to fetch the drink.

"You've been here before honey, don't look so worried. Why don't you go sit down?"

Alexis shook herself and went to sit on the couch. It was true, she had visited with her father a couple of times in the last few months. But she had never been here alone before. She talked to Kate a lot and liked her more every time they spoke – though that was part of the problem. She liked Kate far more than she liked Gina.

Kate put the water down on the coffee table in front of the troubled redhead on her couch. She sat in the chair opposite and rested a hand absent-mindedly on CB. Alexis took a deep breath.

"I... I was at home. Gina came back. And I realised that I wanted to talk to you."

Kate stayed quiet, but her focused eyes told Alexis that she was listening intently.

"Gina and Dad were talking, and being like a couple, and I hated even seeing them. It just felt wrong, it was so uncomfortable; it always is when she's there. I tried to be kind and friendly but after a while I couldn't any more so I went up to my room. I found myself dreading even eating dinner with them."

"Alexis, that's a natural reaction. It's hard, seeing your father with someone who isn't your mother-"

"No! I don't want him to be with my mother. I want him to be with you."

Kate stopped mid-breath. She had been completely ready to be kind and reassuring, to defend Rick's relationship with Gina while comforting Alexis and telling her that it would of course take time to get properly close to her father's new girlfriend. But now she was stumped. She tried a few times to think of something to say, but couldn't.

"You see," Alexis said gently. "I think you want it too."

Kate paused, thinking carefully about how to phrase her reply. "It's complicated. I mean, of course, it makes sense when you think about CB, and we do enjoy spending time together – and I love hanging out with you – but your Dad and I... I don't think it would work."

"Why?"

Kate did not want to start telling Alexis all her father's flaws, and besides, she wasn't entirely sure what the deal breaker was herself.

"Look," Alexis began, "I know he's not the most mature or reliable person in the world. But he cares about you, I know he does, and you two make a great couple. You spend all your time together anyway – for five months you've been with each other almost every day, and he doesn't seem to have driven you crazy. You suit him far better than Gina does – when he's with her, he turns into someone I can't even identify with. When he's with you, he's him, but with all the best bits multiplied."

Alexis was almost crying. Kate went to sit beside her on the couch. "You make a very good case. And I like your father very much. But the fact of the matter is, he's with someone else. And it sounds like their relationship is going really well. I can't use CB to come between that, especially when I'm so unsure myself."

"But it's wrong," Alexis mumbled through the fresh tears that were pouring down her cheeks. "He might even marry her. Again. And I already know what happens, because they got married before and look how that turned out!"

Kate put her arm around the girl, and tried to think of something she could say to make her feel better.

"He's grown up since then. And Gina's nice."

"He might want her to move in with him. I think he does... He'll probably ask her soon but I don't think I could cope with her living with us. I don't really want anyone to live with us. But if someone did, I'd want it to be you."

"That's sweet, honey, but don't look at it that way. She hasn't moved in yet; he hasn't even talked about it. And she's a good person; I don't think she'd be at all bad to live with if it came to that."

"Maybe not... He thinks I don't like her. He got mad at me."

"Is he right?"

Alexis sniffed. "Yes. But not to be mad at me. It's not my fault – we're different. All she cares about are clothes and shopping. She doesn't even read the paper. I don't know what she and my Dad talk about, even. He really wasn't right to get angry with me."

"I wasn't there, so I don't know what was said, but he probably wasn't really mad at you. Maybe he's nervous about moving things forward with Gina, and he took that out on you. He probably feels terrible about it now."

"I don't know. He seemed pretty mad. I was mad inside. He's making a mistake."

"People make mistakes." Kate looked down at CB. "It's what makes life interesting."

Alexis laughed in spite of her tears. "CB's not the mistake. You two breaking up was the mistake."

Kate smiled. "Life isn't a fairytale, Alexis. You are going to have a great life, and so is CB, even if Castle and I aren't together."

Alexis leaned against her, knowing there wasn't any point taking the disagreement further. She also knew that she would always be friends with Kate, and that Kate and CB would always be a part of her life. She wasn't giving up – she was sure that her father belonged with the detective. But she needed a plan – right now, she couldn't see a way to change them.

"D'you want me to take you home?" Kate asked.

"I can get a taxi-" Alexis began, but Kate shook her head.

"I'll drive you. I need to pick up some groceries anyway."

Alexis smiled. "Thanks. You're going to make a great Mom, you know." _In fact, you already are_, she added in her head.

It was Kate's turn to smile. "No problem. And thank you. I hope so."

When they were a block from home, Alexis suddenly became very quiet. She looked at the buildings, and when Kate parked, she didn't even undo her belt.

"I don't want to go in. I know I have to. I know it'll be okay. But I still don't want to."

Kate took her hand. "Want me to come with you?"

Alexis' eyes lit up. "Would you? You could even stay to dinner. Dad wouldn't mind, and Grams would love to see you!"

Kate undid her belt and got out of the car. "I can't stay for dinner – I'll come in for a minute, then I have to go... But Alexis, if you're that worried about even having dinner with your family, you know you can always talk to your Dad."

"Can I?" Alexis asked, the pitch of her voice raising with a hint of sarcasm and annoyance. "Right now I think he's pretty taken up with Gina."

"If you tell him you need him, he'll be there for you. You'll always be his number one girl."

They were standing outside the building now. Alexis gave Kate a hug, which was a stretch over CB.

"Thanks. And you'll always be his number two girl."

"Alexis," Kate said sternly. "Have you read _Emma_?"

Alexis laughed, knowing what the detective was getting at. "I'm not like Emma. I'm not _really _being a matchmaker. If I'm anyone, I'm her Dad, and my Dad's Emma – I don't want him to go off with anyone, and he doesn't see that his perfect woman is right under his nose."

Kate laughed at Alexis' quick witted abduction of her analogy. "If you say so. Come on, time to face the music."

"That's even truer than you know. I didn't tell them I was going out."

Kate wasn't entirely surprised; she had guessed Alexis would have a reason for not wanting her to ring the bell. They got into the elevator and rode up to the loft. Alexis used her key to let them in, and they were greeted by a panicked Rick and a triumphant looking Gina.

"You see. I told you she would be fine," Gina said condescendingly to Rick. He ignored her.

"Alexis! And Beckett – you brought her back. Thank you so much! Alexis, do you have any idea how worried I was about you? Where have you been – and why on earth didn't you tell me you were going out?"

Alexis looked at the floor. "I'm sorry, Dad. I just went to see Kate."

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know..." Alexis' voice trailed off.

"Just leave it, Ricky. Let's have dinner," Gina said, clearly bored by the situation. Kate was beginning to see why Alexis wasn't thrilled with her.

Rick looked between the three women, wondering which to tackle first. He was totally lost. Martha appeared from the kitchen.

"Alexis! So the wandering hero returns. Come and help me lay the table, honey – we can talk about your sins later. And Gina, darling, would you mind helping me in here too? I seem to have started too many things at once..."

Gina and Alexis followed her obediently into the kitchen. Rick stared at Kate.

"Is she okay?" he asked, clearly still worried about his daughter.

"She will be. You should talk to her, though, not me. She was very upset."

Rick nodded. "I was an idiot. I told her off when-"

"I don't need to hear it. She does. Go on. Have dinner with your family."

"You don't want to stay?"

"No. I want to go home." Kate said, allowing a little of her tiredness to seep into her voice.

"Okay... Hey, thanks again for bringing her back."

"Always." She smiled at him. "Will I see you at work tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I think so. I don't know what Gina will be doing."

"Right. So, goodnight, Castle."

"Until tomorrow, detective."

Kate walked out of the door with an odd feeling in her chest that had nothing to do with CB. She managed to reach the car before she started crying – but once she had started, she was unable to pull out of her parking space for almost twenty minutes.

She blamed her rocky hormones, but the truth was, now that Alexis had voiced it, she couldn't help but ask herself, _Did she belong with Richard Castle?_


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10

Rick walked slowly through to the kitchen, where his two favourite redheads were preparing dinner, with the well intended, if not particularly useful, help of his girlfriend. They were almost finished – and it looked delicious. The kitchen looked as if there had been a hurricane, but this was no surprise – Martha had cooked. They sat down at the table. Alexis was still looking pensive; Rick hoped she would tell him what was on her mind.

Martha served them all with huge helpings of chicken curry and rice. Rick knew Gina liked the meal, but she only picked at her food. He knew it shouldn't bother him but he thought of Kate, and how she always cleared her plate when she was visiting and profusely thanked and complimented whoever had cooked. Gina... she took it more for granted. He kicked himself mentally. He shouldn't be comparing Kate and Gina. His relationships with them were completely different; they meant completely different things to him.

Alexis was trying to make conversation with Gina.

"So, how was your trip?" she asked, smiling.

Gina winked. "Well, Paris was fantastic – but London was better – in Paris, their English was so useless. I wouldn't blame them – except I think of France as such an educated place."

Alexis coughed into her plate, but struggled on, maintaining a serene expression as Gina recounted the wonders of Spain, where she had spent most of her trip.

"How about you, honey? What have you been up to?"

Alexis shrugged, but remembered she was being chatty, so rushed into an answer after all.

"Just school mostly. Going out with friends, but I have a lot of studying to do."

"What's your favourite subject?" Gina asked.

Alexis couldn't help smiling. "I love learning French," she said, deadpan. It was Rick's turn to splutter – but he was trying to hide his laughter.

"Really?" Gina said, not realising the joke. "I thought you'd say literature. You're always reading."

"I like reading, a lot. But I'm not so keen on literature classes. I mean, sure – it's always going to have a place in my heart. Genetics, I guess," she said, looking at her father. He smiled, knowing she was trying hard.

"Alexis is fantastic at everything she tries. I think a much harder question is asking her what classes she doesn't like."

Alexis smiled. "You're too kind. I got a B on a paper last week," she said, frowning.

"Didn't the rest of the class fail?"

"Yes, but aren't you always telling me not to measure myself by other people's standards?"

Rick grinned. "You got me."

Gina seemed bored with the school topic. "What do you do besides school? Are you getting in trouble going to lots of crazy parties?"

Alexis bit her lip. "I'm not the crazy party type. I go shopping. And sometimes I go to concerts, and to the movies. I hang out with Kate and CB a lot," she said thoughtfully. It had been an accident; she had been thinking aloud. But Gina picked up on it and latched on like a pihrana.

"You hang out with Kate?"

"Sure. I've liked her ever since she arrested Dad at that party."

Gina laughed sarcastically. "I remember. That arrest almost ruined the whole evening."

Rick laughed too, but he meant it. "What are you talking about? It did wonders for publicity."

"But, Alexis, I mean, what do you two talk about?" Gina pressed, all but ignoring Rick's comment as she grilled his daughter.

"Uh... Well, everything. The news, the world and stuff. Her cases, a bit. Just everything. We read magazines and laugh at them. We do that with Dad's books too. And we watch movies. I think it's nice that we're friends – it means I'll get to see CB lots, too."

"You know, I've been thinking, about 'CB'," Gina said thoughtfully. "And I don't know if the arrangement you guys have is really going to work. I think a child should have one home. Children need stability, and the support of a proper family. Is he really going to have that if he spends half his time with Kate?"

Alexis gasped; Rick was to stunned to react at all. Gina carried on regardless. "I mean, does Kate even have a second bedroom? Or the money to support a child? Or even the time? Surely she wants to stay at her job – how will she do that and look after a child? I think it might even be a relief for her to give you sole custody, Rick – of course, she could visit him whenever she wanted..."

Rick knew he had to say something. He hardly knew how to start.

"It's nice that you're thinking about it, Gina. But I'm sure Kate wants to be with CB as much as possible. We'll work out something with childcare and where she'll live-"

"And what about money?"

Alexis wanted to scream. She managed to keep her tone civil, though. "Kate has enough money. She might not be rich like Dad, but she has enough to support a child. And even if she doesn't, we'll help her, right Dad?"

Rick didn't want to upset Gina, but Alexis was right. "Yeah, honey, of course we will. Gina, I work with her, anyway. We see each other all the time."

Gina was beginning to get angry. "Yes, you do see each other all the time. But only because CB is attached to her. Isn't that right?"

Rick struggled for words. "It may have started because of CB – but there's no doubt that Kate and I are great friends now."

"Lovely," Gina said sarcastically. "I think you should talk to her, Ricky. Tell her about my suggestion."

Rick shook his head. "I can't do that. I've always said to her that everything to do with the baby is up to her. She didn't even have to keep it. It's her choice."

Gina tutted. "If it came down to a court case, she would lose. She's always at work – you're the one with the time and resources to look after a baby."

Rick looked into the remainder of his food. He had no idea what to say. He knew Alexis was staring at him, willing him to defend Kate. He was stuck between his best friend and the woman he was supposed to love. Did he love her? He didn't know.

"We still have three months – why don't we all just let our thoughts settle a bit?" he said at last.

Alexis got up. "I suddenly feel sick. May I please be excused?"

Gina nodded. "Go on, honey."

Alexis managed not to run out of the room, but it was a close call. From her room, she heard dinner end, and then she heard Gina come upstairs. There was a knock on her door. She quickly lay down on the bed, put on her best pasty face, and called 'come in'.

"Hey, sweetheart," Gina said, smiling. Like a crocodile, Alexis thought. Gina seemed to be comparable to several vicious water-dwellers today.

"Hi, Gina," she replied weakly.

"Forget the act, Alexis, I know you're not sick."

Alexis sighed, then got off the bed and stood in front of Gina.

"Fine. You got me. What do you want?"

"Forget Kate, Alexis. Stop trying to put her between your father and me."

"I'm not. I'm just thinking about CB, and Kate's feelings about him."

"Whatever. I know Richard must look like a meal ticket for her but I don't think she's fit to care for a child and I won't let him give her a penny of his money. I'm going to see her tomorrow, to talk some sense into her."

"She and Dad'll be working."

"I have an errand for your father. I'm going to visit her at work. And you, Alexis, will be at school. I know you don't like me. And that's okay. You have, what, two years left of school? And then you can leave. And do whatever you want. But face it, kid. I am here to stay. And I'm not going to be part of this shared custody mess."

Alexis felt helpless. She had no answers. "Get out," she muttered eventually. Gina smiled sweetly, and did just that. Alexis watched her go feeling utterly dejected, wishing there was something she could do to put right the mistakes all the adults around her were making.


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

Kate pulled up at the had taken her off field work when she'd reached the three month mark. Or rather, he had given her the option, but he had asked when Rick was there, and anyway, Kate didn't want to put CB at risk. She knew her job was dangerous, and she had made her peace with that, but she wasn't about to risk another life.

She was in the middle of a case, and Lanie had texted her before she left for work, telling her to come straight over instead of going to the precinct first. Kate was looking forward to seeing her friend. She had left a message on Rick's voicemail telling him where she was headed, but he hadn't answered yet. She didn't mind; she was looking forward to a girly chat.

Lanie grinned when she saw her friend. "Damn, girl, you're getting so big! And I am, of course, referring only to your chest."

Kate laughed. "Thanks." She patted her stomach. "CB is getting big too though. I guess I'm a bit nervous about, you know.."

"As a medical professional, I can tell you that you have reason to be, but also that millions of women manage to do this. And they all seem to say that once the kid is in their arms, the pain is obsolete."

Kate smiled. "I hope so. I never saw myself as a mother, at least, not like this. But now I'm so excited, I've been trying to plan, but-"

"But you have no idea what you're going to do?"

"Exactly. I mean, my apartment only has three rooms!"

Lanie smiled. "You'll manage. You're better off than a lot of people, and you're the sort of person who'll make the situation work."

"I've been thinking about who'll look after him, when I come back to work. And I think I have to come back to work..."

Kate had spent hours thinking about all the reasons she became a cop, and she knew in her heart that she couldn't leave the job. There were so many people who needed justice, and she needed to bring it to them. She hadn't given up on getting justice for her mother, either. Rick knew about that now, sort of. She hadn't told him the whole story, but she thought he understood. The topic very rarely came up.

"Have you had any ideas?" Lanie asked.

"Some. I guess I could get a nanny, but I don't really want to. I want to look after him myself. It's not that I think women have to quit their jobs and chain themselves to the house when they have kids – but I want to be the one who brings him up, you know?"

Lanie nodded. "Have you talked to Rick about it?"

"A bit. We were getting somewhere with a plan. He suggested that I have custody of CB, but that he takes him when I'm at work, and we do some things together at weekends."

"That sounds like a good way to work things. And you know I'm here to help with anything – if Rick has to do stuff, he can even hang here. The coffee room doesn't smell..."

Kate grinned. "Thanks, Lanie. I really appreciate that. And I'm sure it'll all be fine – Rick and I get on so well, I'm sure we'll work through everything."

"Sometimes, when you talk about him, I almost think you two should be together."

Kate smiled ruefully. "You're not the only one. I had a visit last night, from Alexis."

"Oh?"

"She isn't getting on with Gina, and she's upset by the whole situation. She's a smart kid, though. I'm sure she'll be fine, once we all get used to everything. She's a sweetheart, too. She said Rick and I belong together."

Lanie tutted. "Everyone sees it but you two."

Kate gave her a look. "We had a stupid fling. It was fun. But mostly, it was stupid. And now we're making the best of the situation we've ended up with."

Lanie looked at Kate's stomach. "CB, I know your Momma just called you a situation, but she didn't mean it." She looked up at Kate. "Did she?"

Kate laughed. "No, _CB, _course I didn't mean it. Your Auntie Lanie though..." She paused, and suddenly looked terrified and ecstatic at the same time. "Lanie?"

"Yes?"

"I'm really his Mommy. I'm a _mother_."

Lanie looked at her. "If you only just realised that, you are not nearly so smart as everybody says."

Kate grinned. "I hope you're right. That I'll be good at it, I mean."

"I'm always right," Lanie replied, with a satisfied smile. "And speaking of which..." Lanie proceeded to fill her in on everything she had discovered for the case, and Kate put her mind to solving the murder.

After another short chat with her friend that wasn't about work, Kate began to walk outside with a smile on her face. This smile rapidly faded when she saw who awaited her at reception. She tried to replace it with a fake one, but she missed her real good mood.

"Hello, Gina," she said brightly.

"Kate," Gina answered coldly. "I want to talk to you. Here is fine. I want to ask you about CB. Rick and I have been talking, and we... Well the truth is, Kate, we don't think you're a suitable parent for him."

Kate's jaw dropped. "We? Rick said that?"

"Not in so many words... but I could tell he feels the same way I do. We want CB in our home, where we can provide for him. He can have his own room, he can go to private school, he can have everything any caring mother would want for her child."

Kate managed to keep her head. She was a smart, savvy detective, and she smelled a rat. "I'll have to talk to Rick, then."

Gina smiled, full of herself. "You can if you like. But he knows what's best for our son."

Kate narrowed her eyebrows, and took a step towards Gina. She was wearing flats, but her eyes were still level with the blonde's.

"You may have Castle wrapped around your little finger," she said quietly. "But let's get one thing settled right here. CB is _my _son, not yours, and if you think that you have any chance in hell of taking him away from me, think again. Got it?"

Kate could see that despite the façade, Gina had felt the full weight of her message. She smiled at this woman, and could see why Alexis hated her. It was time for the counter attack.

"And don't you forget, Detective Beckett, that CB is also my boyfriend's son. And no matter how hard you try to fit into his world, you never will. If you want the best for that child, I won't be taking him away from you. You'll be begging me to let you give him to me."

Kate wondered how Rick could still be with this woman. She might be all sweetness and light when she was him, but when she showed her true colours, she was pure evil.

"Get out of my way," Kate said. The double meaning wasn't lost on her opponent, and when Gina turned on her heel, Kate had a feeling she hadn't heard the end of this.

When she got home after a long day of crime solving, she found herself curled up on her couch with her arms wrapped protectively around the curve of her body which she was becoming surprisingly used to.

"Don't worry, CB," she whispered. "I won't let her take you from me. I won't let anyone take you from me. You're mine, CB. And you might well be the best thing that's ever happened in my life. I'm going to give you such a good life, I'm going to be the best mother it's possible to be. I won't let anything happen to you, CB. I promise. I will love you, always."

A tear trickled down her cheek as she felt a little kick. "You can hear me, can't you?" she said. She was sure she must sound crazy – she was only a small step away from talking to herself. But she didn't care. For some reason, she needed to tell someone how she felt – and CB was already a huge part of her life.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

Gina arrived back at the loft, where Rick was already waiting for her. He handed her a garment bag which contained the dress she had asked him to buy. She smiled when she saw him and looked in the bag. He had found the right one.

"Thanks," she said. She knew he wanted to know where she had been, and why she hadn't been able to buy the dress herself. She decided it would be worth explaining – she could convince him, she was sure.

"I went to see Kate this morning," she began. Rick looked surprised – he hadn't thought Gina and Kate had anything in common. He stopped himself from simply blurting out 'Why?' but it was a close call.

Gina continued. "I wanted to talk to her about CB. The more I think about it, the keener I am to be a part of his life. I don't have any children of my own, and you and Alexis have such a large head start, it's impossible for me to catch up. But, Rick, I really think that with CB, I could be as much his mother as you are his father."

Rick reacted to this much as Kate had done – with surprise and shock. He tried to answer without hurting her feelings. "Gina… it's wonderful you feel that way. And of course you're going to be a big part of CB's life. But Kate is his mother."

Gina frowned. "She wishes she weren't. Wouldn't it be better for him to be brought up by someone who actually longs for children, rather than someone who sees this boy as a huge inconvenience?"

Rick couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Kate said that? She really hasn't warmed to him at all? I was so sure she would…"

Gina smiled. "Yes. When I suggested that we take full responsibility for CB as soon as he's born, she couldn't have been more relieved. I'm sure she'll want to visit him, and she does care about him, in her way... but she told me that she is not in a place in her life right now where she feels ready or able to look after a child."

Rick was astounded – but he believed his girlfriend. She could be manipulative, but she didn't lie, and why would she lie in this situation? She had never been keen on the idea of CB until a few days ago – he just hoped she wouldn't change her mind, now that she had promised to be a mother to CB. He did wonder at Kate though. She was such a riddle to him; she became more complex with every hour he spent with her. He wanted more than anything to understand her story, and even now he had almost finished a book about her, in some ways he felt more ignorant than when he had met her six months ago.

"I even tried to persuade her to stick to the joint custody I know you two had arranged. I mean, I know I said I wasn't keen on the idea yesterday, but I realised, as I thought about it last night, and talked it over with Alexis, that it was the best way to do things. But Kate really wasn't happy with that. She doesn't even know if she could afford to look after a baby – her apartment is too small, as well."

Rick sighed, wishing that Gina was wrong, but believing her all the same.

"I should talk to her, I guess," he said finally. Gina pursed her lips.

"I don't know if she would want that. This pregnancy is causing her so much stress, and I think she blames you."

Rick felt anger rise up in his chest.

"Tough! She was the one who said it takes two to tango. I have to talk to her. I can't believe she's said these things – and I can't believe I ever thought she would make a good mother. I'll go round this evening!"

Gina sighed. "You'll just make things worse. But she might try to manipulate you. Who knows? She might even deny it. She wants to stay on your good side – she's probably after your money, and your fame. She hates that I'm with you, even though she couldn't cope with a relationship herself."

Rick felt desolate, but he tried to hang on to the old Kate, his best friend. "I don't think she wants my money – and I know she doesn't want the fame. She was never interested in all that stuff."

Gina tutted. "Really? But I thought you said, when you met her, that she was already a fan of your books?"

Rick paused. "Yes. I suppose she was. But she never behaved as though… I mean, there was never any hint, even during that weekend, that she was with me because of that. We were attracted to each other because of who we were, and what we felt. It was short, it was crazy, and it was an escape. It was real, though. You have no reason to be jealous – what we have is far stronger, and far deeper – but I can't believe I mean nothing to Kate."

Gina put her hand on his arm. "She does care about you. Just like she cares about CB. But she isn't fit to be in a real relationship with either of you."

"Gina, she's my best friend!"

"Is she? All I see is you following her around like a lost puppy, in awe of her, making notes for your book."

Rick flopped back against the couch. "Now I don't know what to think. I have to talk to her, though… I'm going to write for a while. Is that okay?"

Gina nodded. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I hate her for hurting you like this." She gave him a hug, then went out to meet a friend for coffee. Rick went through to his study and sat down with his laptop, wishing his relationships could be as easily solved as the ones in _Heat Wave_.

Alexis arrived home from school to an apparently empty apartment. She badly needed to talk to her father – she had been hoping he would be in.

"Dad?" she called, making her way to his office. She thought she could hear typing, and to her relief, he was in there, plugged into his iPod, his fingers striking furiously at his keyboard. When he saw her, he stopped and turned off his music.

"Hey, Lex," he said dejectedly. "How was school?"

"Fine. But Dad, what's the matter?"

Rick groaned. "I thought everything was going to be fine. But now Kate's being all weird, and changing her mind about everything."

Alexis stared at him. "No she isn't. What are you talking about?"

"Gina went to see her this morning, and she said she didn't want to keep CB – she wants Gina and me to have him."

"What? Are you sure?"

"Gina wouldn't lie about it," Rick said, and although he believed what he was saying, he almost wished that he didn't.

"Maybe she misunderstood," Alexis said. Privately, she thought it was more than likely that Gina had lied, especially considering her recent conversation with the woman. But she didn't want to upset her father even more. "Are you going to talk to Kate?" she asked.

"I have to. I'll go over there – pretty soon I think. I hope we can sort something out – but Gina's impression was she just wants to go back to her old life, and forget any of this ever happened."

Alexis nodded. "You're right to talk to her. And maybe it isn't as bad as it seems – maybe we can still do what we planned."

"I don't see much chance of that," he said, looking at the floor. He felt terrible – and also angry. He needed to confront Kate and make her see the damage she was doing. He felt betrayed – he had been so sure that they were progressing – she was one of his favourite people, and not only had she told someone that she didn't return his feelings at all, she had told his girlfriend, someone she barely even knew. He wondered if she had been laughing at him the whole time.

He decided he couldn't wait any longer. He called a cab, and went to her apartment – by the time he got there it was almost 5:30pm. She would just have returned from work. He pushed the bell and she let him in.

She smiled. "Hey, Rick. I wasn't expecting you – what's this visit in aid of?"

From the look on his face, she had an awful feeling it had something to do with Gina.

"I can't believe you want to do this, Kate," he said, his voice dripping with hurt and anger.

"Do what?" she said slowly, trying to figure out what was going on.

"Don't pretend this morning didn't happen. Don't pretend you haven't been changing everything behind my back! I thought you were excited! I thought you wanted this! I thought you were happy! I thought you valued our friendship! But I guess my imagination was running away with me, huh? It was all in my head-"

"Castle! Stop yelling. What are you even talking about? I haven't changed anything."

"CB! What do you think I'm talking about?"

"I haven't got a clue, actually. What about CB?"

"You aren't even going to own up to it? What, were you just going to sneak away in the night after he was born, leaving him with me? Gina told me everything – she couldn't keep a secret like that. And you know what? We'll be happy to take him. You don't even have to see him. You can just forget you ever met me, like you've always wanted."

"What? Richard, what the hell are you talking about? I never said I didn't want to keep CB – we've spent hours talking about it – I thought you were happy with what we planned."

She was close to tears; she had no idea why he was so angry but as the realisation of what must have happened dawned on her, she was even more upset.

"Did Gina tell you I said these things this morning?"

Rick nodded, and her tone made him notice, finally, that he had made a huge mistake.

"And you believed her?" Kate whispered. She still hoped there would be an answer, some kind of explanation, in which her best friend hadn't utterly denounced her on the word of his flaky publisher. But Rick's nearly silent 'yes' destroyed even her faintest lifeline.

"Then you know what?" she said, her voice as cold as ice. "I have changed my mind. I don't want you, or Gina, to have anything to do with me, or my son. That you could believe that of me… Don't you know me at all? I can never trust you again. So if you have any respect for me at all, you will get out of my apartment, and let me live my life in peace."

Rick stared at this woman, her words going round and round in his head. He could feel his world falling down around him, and he deserved it. He had been so blind – and now, he realised, it wasn't just his best friend he was losing. And it wasn't just his son. He was going to lose the love of his life. And it was entirely his own fault.

"I am truly sorry, Kate," he said, his voice faltering. "I hope one day you can forgive me."

It was as though she didn't even see him. He left the apartment, closing the door behind him, knowing that he could well be closing the door on her for the rest of his life.


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

Gina waited in the loft, knowing everything might have gone horribly wrong. She wasn't sure if she had done the right thing. She truly believed that she would be a far better mother than Rick's pet detective – and she was angry that it was Kate who was pregnant, rather than herself. She knew she would never be a mother to Alexis, and had written that off as the teenager being too old to accept anyone new, and too used to just relying on her father. But now Alexis was getting closer and closer to Kate, and what with them both spending so much time with her, Gina often felt left out and lonely. She didn't know what they all saw in this Kate Beckett; the woman who seemed to have so many people orbiting around her.

She knew she was wrong to have lied. But she also felt justified – both Rick and Kate had caused her a lot of anguish, and she also hoped that Kate would come around to her way of thinking – after all, Kate didn't have the money or the lifestyle to provide anything like as good a home for CB as she could.

She paced around the living room. She didn't feel guilty; she told herself over and over that she had done the right thing. Rick would believe her over Kate; he knew her far better than he knew the detective, and they had such a long history together. She had done wonders for his career and she knew their current relationship meant a lot to him. The problem was, she could see the possibility that it meant even more to her; while she continued to love him more and more, he didn't seem to be very keen to progress. She had been sure that he would ask her to move in, but he hadn't. She had even thought he might propose – at Christmas, he had produced a tiny little box from under the tree, and she had been completely ready to say 'I do' to him a second time – but the box had contained a bracelet, not a ring. She had tried not to be disappointed – at that time, they had only been together for two months.

But just a few weeks ago, he'd ended up spending Valentines Day at the precinct. With _her. S_ure, he had been with the whole team, and it hadn't been a date or anything – he had even offered to come home. However, he had clearly been desperate to stay – and Gina hated that playing cop with Kate Beckett was more important to him than she was.

A baby was just what they needed. She was always reading about how having a baby brought families together, and that there was nothing like shared love to renew and replenish a relationship, as well as make it stronger. She had thought about having one of her own – she had even suggested it, but Rick wouldn't even consider the idea. He already had one baby on the way; he didn't want another one. So she had been forced to accept Kate's baby. She hated calling him CB – even this pet name reinforced who his parents were. If she was going to have a son, and care for him, she wanted him to be hers. She didn't think it would be that difficult. She and Rick were very wealthy, they were in a stable relationship, and Kate seemed very wary of Rick's whole life. Gina hadn't anticipated how attached Kate would already be to the child – but Rick would win her over.

She looked at the door. She thought she heard the lock click. She hoped Rick's meeting with Kate had been okay. And she hoped he had been convinced enough to take her side. After all, it made sense. It was completely logical. She prepared her best smile, and watched the door open.

Rick slapped his hand against his forehead. How could he have been so stupid? At least his next move was simple. He opened the door, to see Gina standing there, smiling at him, completely unaware of what was about to happen. He stared at her, wondering how he could even have liked her, let alone how he could have thought that he might love her.

He had to be fair, even if he knew how this was going to end.

"Did you lie to me, Gina?"

Her smile had faded when she saw him; now she looked worried. She tried to avoid the question.

"I just want what's best for CB. What's best for us-"

"It's a simple question. Did you lie?"

"It was... It was for the best," she stammered.

"Thank you for being honest with me. Now, I know I have signed a contract with Black Pawn. And I know there will be a substantial fee for breaking that contract. Please send me the bill at your earliest convenience. And right now, pack your things, and get out of my house."

Gina gasped. "But..."

"You've said enough, Gina. More than enough. Just, go."

He turned to walk past her towards his office. She grabbed his arm.

"But, Ricky, I love you. I'm in love with you. All I wanted was for us to be a family, all I wanted was for us to be happy-"

Rick stared at this stranger clinging to his jacket.

"Please let go of me," he said coldly. "I'm going to my office. I never want to see you again."

Gina was sobbing hysterically. She let go of his jacket and watched him walk away. He didn't even turn back to look at her.

"I love you," she said again to his retreating form. At this he turned.

"No you don't," he said simply.

Once inside his office, Rick sat down in his armchair with his head in his hands. His life as he knew it was over. For five months, he had been planning a wonderful future, a wonderful life with a woman and child that he would never see again. He had always told Kate that everything to do with CB was completely up to her. He knew he deserved what she was doing – he didn't expect her to ever forgive him. Not just for not trusting her – but also for not seeing the obvious – that he was in love with her.

Hours later, there was a quiet knock on the door. He didn't answer. Alexis came in, and gently put her arm around him.

"Go on, say it. _I told you so,_" he muttered.

Alexis wiped her sleeve across her tear stained face. "I heard what you said to Gina. I'm so sorry, Dad."

"Don't be. I'm the one who should be sorry. I treated you so badly, when you were right all along. And Kate..."

"What? What about Kate?"

"She never wants to see me again. I didn't trust her. I believed Gina, because I've known her longer, and because... Well, because she was my girlfriend." He put a lot of emphasis on 'was'.

Alexis began to cry even harder. "But... You and Kate are meant to be, can't she see that?"

Rick sighed. "I betrayed her, Alexis. Any feelings she had for me will be gone now. You're right, though. I've loved her since the day I met her – I was just too blind to notice."

Alexis hugged him tighter, and he pulled her onto his lap.

"You stay friends with her, okay?"

Alexis nodded. And Rick knew what he had to do.

In a few days the arrangements were made. The suite at the hotel was ready, the flight was booked, and Rick stood in the hallway to the loft beside three large suitcases.

"Don't go, Dad," Alexis cried, flinging her arms around him. "So much awful stuff has happened, you can't leave!"

Rick hugged her back. "I have to. I have to find another publisher, and the one I want to use is in LA. And I have to get some distance, or I'm just going to dig myself further into this hole. You'll be fine with your grandmother – you have the loft to yourselves now. And I'll call you every day – so much you'll be sick of me."

Alexis continued to cry. "It won't be the same. You shouldn't run away from your problems."

Rick forced himself to stay firm. "I need a fresh start. And you haven't needed me for years. I need to give Kate some space, and I need some space from everything that's happened. It's for the best," he said. He heard the words, and thought about how Gina had said them, too. He hoped he wasn't as wrong as she had been.

Martha kissed her son on the cheek.

"Look after yourself, kiddo," she said gently. She understood why he wanted to leave – she wished he would stay, but he had to do what was right for him.

He nodded. "Take care of Alexis for me," he said quietly.

"I will," she promised, and embraced her son and granddaughter.

Rick looked at his watch. "I have to go or I'll miss the flight," he said, extricating himself from the hug. "Bye, sweetie." He kissed Alexis on the top of her head. "I'm going to miss you like crazy."

Alexis pulled herself together enough to wish him good luck, and she even managed to smile as she said goodbye. But as the door closed behind him, she couldn't believe how badly things had gone. She ran up to her room, and slammed the door on a worried and sad Martha. Why couldn't everything just work out? All the right people had been so close together, yet it had all gone so horribly wrong. She lay down on her bed and buried her face in her pillow. She vowed to do her father proud, no matter how far away he was. And more than anything, she promised herself that one day, she would fix all the mistakes, and set her world to rights.


	14. Chapter 14

**Kate watched the door close behind Rick, **and shuddered as she heard it slam. She had just told him that she never wanted to see him again. But it wasn't true. She wanted more than anything to see him – but she wanted to see the Rick Castle that hadn't just betrayed her trust, the man who didn't ignore her, the man who valued her and believed in her, the man she had thought she might be falling in love with. And the man who had been in her apartment today was not that man.

She sat down on the couch, trying to rest her back. It was aching – it had been twinging for a few days, but now the pain was more intense. When she had seen Rick in her doorway, she'd thought he was there to be her friend. She thought he would cheer her up after a long day at work – she'd thought she could rely on him to make her feel special, and fun. Now she just felt like a wreck.

She wondered if she had been to hard on him. Gina was the person who had started this whole thing. But she knew she would never have believed something like that of Rick – and it hurt her deeply that he could think that way about her. She thought about Alexis. She hoped the girl would forgive her – she had been feeling more and more that she had found a friend for life in her. Gina might have destroyed that, too.

And CB. Kate didn't want him to grow up without his father. But she knew what it felt like to lose a parent – and if Rick was that unreliable, who was to say that CB wouldn't lose him in years to come? He might just decide to leave.

Her face was wet with tears, and she reached out for a tissue, and blew her nose. She didn't want to be alone. She could call Lanie, but she had a feeling her friend was busy that night, and didn't want to interrupt her plans.

She rubbed her stomach. "I guess it's just gonna be me and you then, CB," she said quietly.

_**A few days later**_

"And he just left?" Lanie said, shocked.

Kate nodded. "He put this through my door in the middle of the night," she said, waving a note that had been lying on the coffee table.

_Dear Kate_

_I know that nothing I can do will make amends for the hurt that I have caused you, and I don't expect you to forgive me. I have been a self-centred, blind jackass. I am writing to tell you that I am going to LA for a while, I don't know yet for how long, and also that I am truly and deeply sorry for how I treated you. This is for you and our son – I know you will be a wonderful mother – he and I are very proud of you._

_Richard Castle._

"What's 'this'?" asked Lanie. Kate pointed wordlessly to a cheque on the coffee table. Lanie picked it up and gasped.

"For real?"

Kate sighed. "Yes. But I'm not taking it."

Lanie frowned. She knew how Kate felt – but so much money would have the potential to change CB's life.

"There's another letter. For CB. But I know I was supposed to read it," Kate said, handing Lanie another piece of paper.

_Please give this to CB when he's old enough._

_Dear CB,_

_You don't know me, but I'm your father. Your Mom has probably been way too kind when she described me to you – you're smart, I know you will have asked. I grew up never knowing who my father was, and it still niggles at my mind today. I know your Mom won't have kept me a secret from you. _

_The reason I am not in your life is because I did a terrible thing. I betrayed your mother's trust, several times, and I was too blind to see that I loved her. She was my best friend, and we had so much fun planning to be your parents. I know she'll be good at it._

_You aren't born yet, and I don't know what your name will be, or what you'll be like, but I know that by now she will have raised you to be good, kind, and that you will value the truth, and knowledge._

_The truth is a very important thing, CB. If I have one piece of advice for you, it's stick to the truth. There are different ways to tell it, and I don't mean be an idiot and tell your girlfriend that her ass really does look big in that dress – but the real truth. That's what's important. When you love someone, don't leave it too late, and don't pretend you're just friends because it's easier and simpler to be with someone else. Tell them the truth – and that way, at least you'll know._

_I will always love you, and I think about you all the time._

_Dad._

Lanie had been reading the letter aloud, and Kate was sobbing before the end of the first paragraph.

"I can't keep them apart, not when he never knew his father," Kate said desperately. "But now I don't even know where he is! And I'm still so mad at him."

"Can you talk to Alexis?" Lanie asked.

Kate bit her lip. "She called, and we spoke a little, but it wasn't the same. I could tell she was uncomfortable, and I was uncomfortable too. I don't think we'll be seeing much of each other any more."

Lanie put her arm around her friend, and inwardly cursed Rick. He had been such an idiot – and for all Kate's bravado, she was actually pretty sensitive – and right now, she was in a very vulnerable position. She had been going to work for the last couple of days, but she hadn't been herself. It was so quiet without Rick – everyone felt it, and that was just at the precinct. Kate had spent time with him outside of work almost every day as well.

"I thought he would fight," Kate said suddenly.

"What do you mean?"

"When I said I didn't want to see him again, even as I was saying it, I thought he would argue with me. I thought he would fight to be part of his son's life."

Lanie hugged her tighter. "Maybe he didn't want to hurt you more."

Kate shook her head. "He knows not to tiptoe around me. And I've been thinking – if he really doesn't care enough about CB to fight about him, it's probably better that he's gone."

Lanie frowned. "He's an idiot, and I hate to take his side – but maybe he stayed quiet because he cares about you."

Kate's tone became angrier. "If he cared about me, why didn't he fight for _me, _then? And why did he believe Gina, when he knows me so well?"

Lanie sighed. "I guess he thought he knew her."

"He's not stupid. He should have seen it coming. Alexis did, I think."

"Are you sure she doesn't want to see you?"

Kate sighed. "No. I'm not sure. I think we just have to give it time – and of course, it won't be the same."

Lanie sighed too, and flopped back on the couch. "What a mess," she breathed, and Kate couldn't help but laugh.

"You think?" she said, looking down at her pregnant belly, and the letters and cheque on the table.

Lanie tried to smile encouragingly, since the mood had lightened a little. "It's all going to work out. It might not make sense now, but a lot can change in three months."

_**Thanks for reading, please review, and CATCH MY LOVEBALL, BABY! Find me on twitter - I'm ZannaKellett - and I will tweet you updates and converse with you about what I probably will not do... Take care, big hugs, Z xxx**_


	15. Chapter 15

_**If, like me, you have been getting weighed down by all the angst, check out "The Mistake, Fixed". It is a oneshot based on the charming suggestions in some of your reviews. It's set after ch14 (so, now) and I expect to see you right back here when you're finished, ready for the real deal!**_

_**Another note - it's a bit short, but it seemed to be a complete chapter. I'll try to update ASAP but it might well not be until tomorrow - contrary to popular opinion, I have a life outwith writing fanfiction for you... My friend is watching me write this and she just said "Are you sure?" - Right. I stand corrected... **_

_**Just Under Three Months Later**_

Kate stared up at the lights on the bright white ceiling. It was so clean. She looked around the empty room. Lanie and Alexis were in the waiting room. She had asked them to be there. She wasn't in too much pain yet, but she knew this was going to hurt. It hadn't been that bad yet, but-

"FUUUUUUUUUCK! I mean, dammit, don't listen, CB. He can't hear me, right?" she said to Dr Johnson, panicked.

Her doctor laughed. "I think he's a little preoccupied. Let it all out."

"Isn't it time to push yet?"

He laughed again. "You like to be in control, don't you? How about this. You concentrate on breathing, and staying calm. I will _tell _you when to push. Okay?"

Kate grimaced. "I think you should check again."

He smiled, and did so.

"You're at nine centimetres. So, soon. But not yet."

Kate almost growled at him, but didn't say anything else. Dr Johnson hadn't asked why she was on her own. He had almost asked her out, about a month ago. It had been sweet. But she still thought he was gay. So it had also made her feel pathetic. She looked at the lights on the ceiling again. She almost didn't hear him.

"Okay, you're at ten. When you feel the next contraction, push."

She blinked, not quite believing it. Then nodded. She could do this. She waited. It wasn't long before she felt the pain spasm through her lower body. She pushed. She wondered how her mind knew what she meant – she'd never used those muscles for this before. And she yelled. She wished she had a hand to hold, but she made do with the side of the bed. She had thought she might miss Rick – but her head was just too full not dying from the pain. And then it stopped. She gasped for breath, and Dr Johnson looked up at her.

"Well done! That was great."

"Don't congratulate me until he's out," she muttered.

Dr Johnson apologised, but he didn't look sorry. He really was happy all the time. Kate gave him a look, but he didn't even notice.

"Time to push again," he said cheerfully.

"Already?" she wanted to ask, but she thought that would sound weak. She yelled even louder this time, and it seemed to last even longer. She wouldn't have been surprised if he'd confessed to ripping out her whole uterus. But he hadn't.

"Some of him must be out," she panted. Dr Johnson nodded. "The head will be out after the next one."

"Just the head?" she didn't manage to hold it in this time.

"You're getting through it faster than most. And the head is the worst part."

Kate wondered if Lanie and Alexis could hear her. She was trying not to swear, but sometimes the words just fell out of her mouth. She yelled even more. Her knuckles were white from gripping the bed. She was coated in sweat, and her face was screwed up in agony. She was glad she didn't have anyone with her.

"Okay, just push like crazy, Kate. He's nearly here!"

"You're more excited than I am," she screamed at him, doing as he said, fuelled by her annoyance.

"That's the shoulders..." Kate didn't hear any more of what he said. She could feel it. Her son was born. The nurse, who she hadn't even noticed, wrapped him in a blanket and put him in her arms. He started screaming. Kate laughed.

"It was hard for you too, huh?" she said, tears pouring down her cheeks. She held him tight. Dr Johnson handled cutting the cord, and CB cried even more.

"I love you so much. But you look disgusting," she said, smiling. All too soon, the nurse took him away to clean him up and weigh him.

"Do you know his name?" her doctor asked. Until that moment, Kate hadn't. But now she was sure.

"John Richard. I know it'll be a mouthful, but it feels right."

"John Richard Beckett?"

"John Richard Castle-Beckett. And let's face it, he's probably stuck with CB."

"7 pounds exactly," the nurse called. CB was still screaming – he must have had his injections. Kate knew she had to get cleaned up herself, but she was exhausted, and couldn't take her eyes off her son. When he was back in her arms, she smiled at the nurse.

"Could you tell Lanie and Alexis? They'll want to see him," she said. She prepared for an onslaught of congratulations and cooing over CB, and she wasn't disappointed. When she was alone again it was hours later – and she wasn't really alone. CB was on her lap – they were in a different bed, and he was sleeping, but she didn't want to put him down. She felt her eyes closing, but she forced them to stay open, staring at the beautiful boy, that for some inexplicable reason, belonged to her.

_**Thanks for reading :-) As always, please review. Big hugs, Z xxx**_


	16. Chapter 16

**Rick looked out at the beautiful beach. It was a cold February morning, and even though he was in a warm hotel room, **he felt the cold seep through to his heart. His memories were like the dark clouds that blew in over the sea.

"_Dad?"_

"_Hey, Alexis."_

"_Where are you, Dad? What have you been doing?"_

"_I had to go... Everyone knew me in LA. And I'm not the same person."_

"_You should come home. You're still you. And we need you."_

"_I'm not fit to be a father."_

"_You don't have the choice! You ARE a father. And I need you to come home."_

"_You'll be fine without me. You always looked after me, anyway."_

"_No! You can't just leave, and run away."_

"_I'm not running... I have to do something. I have to make myself better."_

"_Where are you?"_

"_I can't tell you. You'd only try to find me."_

"_I have to find you."_

"_No you don't. You're all better off without me..."_

"_Dad. You made a mistake. You can fix it. But you have to come back."_

"_It wasn't just one mistake. I've been... My whole life... you're the only good thing in it, and I can't take credit. I was awful. I went through women like they meant nothing. I wasted so much time. I did so many stupid things. And now, I'm finally paying for it."_

"_Don't do this. Don't use your past as an excuse – use it to motivate you to do the right thing in this situation."_

"_The right thing is to stay away. I don't want to taint anyone with my reputation. I don't want to cause any more pain – and I'm an idiot, so I would."_

"_Leaving your son with nothing but a letter isn't going to solve anything! And Kate – don't you want her to forgive you? How will she do that if we don't know where you are?"_

"_I used Kate. I didn't mean to, but I think I did."_

"_No. You cared about her!"_

_"Yes, but she wasn't ready, and I used the fact that she was a little starstuck to manipulate her – and now her life is turned upside down."_

"_She doesn't mind. She would be happy, if you were here."_

"_I don't think so. I don't belong with her."_

"_You're wrong."_

"_I wish I were. But I can't go to her when it would be so bad..."_

"_But what are you doing?"_

"_I'm... I'm trying to do something good. I want to right wrongs, somehow."_

"_Why don't you just right the wrongs that are here?"_

"_I'm sorry, Alexis. I love you, and I hope one day you'll understand."_

"_Me too. So you have to go?"_

"_Yes. I'll call you..."_

"_When?"_

"_I will. I promise."_

"_You know what? Don't bother."_

"_Alexis? ALEXIS!" Rick threw his phone at the wall. He felt as though his heart was being ripped out of his body. And he still felt as though he deserved it. _

Rick looked back at the clouds outside. He hadn't spoken to his daughter for a month. He hoped she would help Kate make a family. He wouldn't go back and ruin it. Finally, he had learned his lesson. And he had decided, that if he really loved Kate Beckett, he would have to prove himself worthy of her love. He would start mending lives instead of trampling on them.

He checked the time. He would have to leave soon. At least it would be warm there. He had given them a false name – and for once, he was relieved that his face wasn't famous. He made sure his case was packed. He hadn't brought much – some clothes, sunblock, a few odds and ends – and the finished manuscript of _Heat Wave_. He took this out, and flicked through the pages. He wondered what Kate would have thought of it, if she ever read it. He didn't really know why he had it with him – as a link to her, perhaps.

His son might be born, now. He remembered when Alexis was a baby – he had loved her so much. And even though he had never met CB, he loved him, too. He knew Kate would be a good mother. He had begun to call her so many times, but he had always stopped, because he couldn't be sure that she would be objective – she might fall for him, and if she did, he wouldn't be able to stay away. It was better that she hated him – that way, there was no risk of him returning. He thought about the party where he had first seen her, and how shallow he had been. But he would show the world that he could be better.

He put his hand in his pocket, and took out the travel plan he had been given. He had never been to Africa – he was excited, and also terrified. But it was worth it. He had bought everything, and assembled a team. It was all ready. He was going to build houses, and a school, and a well... He didn't have to go. He could have paid someone else. But for some reason, he needed to go. He'd heard volunteering advertised as a journey of self discovery. He hoped he could discover a self that he wanted to be.

* * *

Kate pulled on her jacket, and held CB so he was tucked under it too. Alexis peeped at him over her shoulder, and fetched Kate's bags for her.

"He looks so curious already," Alexis said, smiling. "Looking around with those beady little eyes."

"We'd better not do anything he'll disapprove of," Kate said, smiling back. They walked slowly out of the hospital, and got into the cab that was waiting outside.

"I could just go to my place-" Kate began.

"No. We've talked this through. Dad's off being a hero, and we have the space. All your stuff is already there – you can't change your mind now."

Kate sighed. "Fine." She couldn't believe she was living at the loft, but once Alexis had come up with the idea, there was no stopping her. She had packed away everything from Rick's office, and turned the room into a nursery; she had also completely redecorated his bedroom, and turned it into Kate's. Kate pretty much had one side of the apartment to herself – Alexis had argued that it was just the same as moving to somewhere bigger, except cheaper, and she would already have friends as her neighbours.

When she walked through the door with CB, Martha immediately embraced them both.

"Welcome home, sweetheart!" she said cheerfully, and after she had given CB a full inspection, she let Kate go and get settled. Kate walked through the nursery and into her room. She had thought it would be weird, but the decorating had made the rooms so different she hardly recognised them. They were beautiful. She thought she was lucky. She told herself over and over that she was very, very lucky. There was no trace of Rick in there at all. But in a way it was pointless – when she looked into the deep blue eyes of her son, she saw Rick straight away.

"Johnny," she experimented. The name had come into her head quite suddenly – but for her, it was perfect. It was just enough 'Johanna' to honour the woman Kate so much loved and respected – but it was also new. And Johnny would be new. He was a whole person – he might be in a tiny body now, but she knew he was already thinking, and learning. She held him close to her, and kissed the top of his head.

There was a knock on the door. Kate called 'come in', and Alexis appeared.

"You okay?" she asked.

The now-16 year old was incredibly mature for her years. Kate nodded.

"You want to hold your brother?" she asked. Alexis grinned.

"I'd love to." She took hold of Johnny, and cradled him gently.

"He's so beautiful. Perfect."

"Yes," Kate whispered. "He looks like your father."

Alexis pursed her lips, but let it go.

"Yes, he does, doesn't he," she said, more to herself than to Kate.

"Do you miss him?" Kate asked suddenly. Alexis looked up from Johnny.

"Not as much as I thought I would. I mean, I do. Every day. So much. But I think he has to be gone, for now. He's... There are things that are wrong. And really, although I know him, his past is still a mystery to me. And to everyone. Maybe it's good that he's changing things, and making peace with himself."

Kate nodded. "I miss him too," she said. Alexis smiled.

"I know you do. But he'll be back."

"Yeah," Kate said, brushing away her sadness. Alexis handed back Johnny.

"I have to go sort some things for school tomorrow. We'll have dinner quite soon I think – but only come if you feel like it. If you want to rest, we'll save some for you to have later."

Kate smiled. "Thanks." She carried Johnny across the room, and sat down in the new rocking chair. She felt like a mother. And she hoped against hope that she would be a good one.

_**Sorry. And for those who don't like the jumps, I'm also sorry - but there will be one more. I have the whole shape of the story decided already - there is a HUGE jump now, and then that's it. On the plus side, I can tell you that because of that jump, Rick will be back in New York in the next chapter.**_

_**I hope you liked it, and please review! Hugs and loveballs, Z xxx**_


	17. Chapter 17

**Kate felt the cold air hit her lungs, enjoying the tug as she exercised muscles she hadn't used in months. **She ran faster, feeling the burn in her legs and stomach, as her iPod blasted loud music into her ears. She arrived home on the dot of 6am, and took the stairs up to the loft. After checking that Johnny was still sleeping peacefully, she stripped off and took a long, hot shower. She was falling easily into a routine – everyone said it would be so hard, but she had two eager helpers in Alexis and Martha, and Johnny was not a fussy baby – he was very predictable, and in the two weeks that he had been home, he hadn't woken her in the night once.

Perfectly on cue, he woke up just as she left the bathroom in her robe. She went through to the nursery and picked him up even before he cried, and sat down with him. She let her robe fall open, and guided his mouth to her breast. She had thought this would seem really weird, especially doing it for the first time in the hospital. But it just felt natural. Johnny gurgled, and Kate stroked his soft, dark hair. She talked to him quietly, telling him about her run, and what would happen to them today. Martha was going to take him, and bring him to the precinct when he needed to be fed. Kate would never have imposed on her, but she had offered. She was only going to work a short day – she would finish at three instead of five. Montgomery had been great about her leave, but she wanted to get back to work – she had always known she would. She would miss Johnny, though. He fitted in her arms as if they had never been without him – she felt strange when it was time to put him back in his crib. She kissed him, and went to get ready for work.

* * *

Rick ran his hand through his hair, which lay flat on his head – there was no point gelling it; the gel would just melt anyway. He hadn't seen a mirror since he arrived, either. He rubbed the stubble on his sunburnt cheeks, and stared into the bright blue sky – the nights were so short. Sweat was already soaking through his dirty linen shirt, which he wore unbuttoned – he only had it on at all to protect his back and shoulders from the scorching heat.

He swigged at his water bottle. There was very little clean water – he had ordered enough to last his camp for months, but when they had arrived, they had found that there was no clean water within 7 miles of the slum they were helping – so they were giving it out to the children. He had ordered enough purifying tablets for the whole village, but they hadn't arrived yet. Every day he was reminded just how far he was from home – he felt as though he had gone back in time.

They were making a well. There was a lot of digging – his engineer was great, and everyone was working like crazy. He looked at the cluster of children, who had been coming to watch them since they had begun. Rick had gathered a team of ten, and those who weren't working on the well were beginning the buildings. They were basic at best, but they were strong, and clean, and would offer far more protection than what these people had – many of them slept under just blankets supported by sticks. The first structure was a hospital – Rick had done his research, and his doctor was an enthusiastic young graduate, who spent his days pushing a barrow of medicine through the slum. Rick hadn't anticipated having to pay someone to walk alongside him with a gun. Saving lives was a lot more gritty than he had imagined.

He picked up his shovel, and went back to work. His muscles burned, and he was more than grateful for the piece of string he had been given to tie them to his head. He was surprised how many of his people didn't have names – the doctor was Doc, he was Rich boy (because he had provided the cash), the engineer was Sparky, because he _didn't _know how to fix the digger – it had overheated. They had a translator known as Bob, because no one could pronounce his real name. The woman digging beside him was called Lucy, though. She had come with Doc – she was young, and had been shy at first, but now she chatted away, especially to the only other woman, Mom – a fifty-something battle-axe who had taken it upon herself to look after everyone. They were like a family, Rick thought. The other four guys were just as important, and worked just as had. Rick realised that people often did this kind of work not just because they wanted to help people, but also because they were broken in some way. Everyone had a history they were trying to get over, or something they wanted to make amends for.

At the end of another long day involving little success, Rick sat outside his tent, smoking a cigarette with Sparky, and as they cursed the well, and the rock solid ground, and the world that seemed to ignore places like this, he knew he was in the right place. He might not be with his son, but he had a feeling CB would understand. His mother had got a message to him – a short letter, and a picture. Johnny. Kate had called him John Richard. Rick's heart had swelled with pride, and now he was even more driven to better himself. He hadn't shown anyone the picture, but he kept it folded in his wallet. He had been writing a letter, too – but he would never send it. It was more of a journal, anyway. He wrote on the back of each page of _Heat Wave_ – he never wasted anything, now.

_**FOUR YEARS LATER (ALMOST)**_

Kate opened the door to the loft, to be greeted by the cannonball that was her son.

"Mommy!" he shouted, throwing his arms around her legs.

"Hey, Johnny," she said, grinning. "How was your day?"

"Alexis, Grams and I made paper planes. And we went to the park, but it was cold. And then Alexis showed me her room at college – Grams went shopping. Then I went swimming with Alexis, and _then _Grams got me, and Alexis went back to college, but she promised me she'll come tomorrow for my birthday!"

Kate gently extricated her legs, and picked Johnny up so he was resting on her hip.

"How was your day?" he asked, tapping her nose with his finger. She tapped his back.

"It was good, thanks."

"Did you catch any bad guys?"

Kate laughed. "Maybe. We have to see – we don't know for sure if the guy we got is the right one." She began to walk towards the kitchen, where Martha was finishing dinner.

"How do you know?" Johnny asked.

"Well, we can do lots of things. We can check their fingerprints, and DNA – and we see if they have an alibi – that means-"

"I know what it means. It means if someone can say they were somewhere else, and not doing bad stuff," Johnny announced proudly.

"You're right," she said, smiling at him. He seemed to have a limitless capacity for remembering information – and she was almost certain he could already read, though he denied it – he probably thought it would mean she would stop reading to him. She put him down so he could lay the table – he distributed the cutlery with more enthusiasm than attention to detail, then hurried back to where she was talking to Martha, and took hold of her leg.

"You aren't going to work tomorrow, are you?" he asked.

Kate patted his head. "No. I'm having a holiday?"

"Why?"

"Well," she teased. "I thought I might go shopping, get coffee with my friends..."

"Liar! You remember really, right?" He sounded a little worried.

"Tomorrow? Well... Tomorrow is the 26th of February. And, uhm..."

"Mommy. If you know, stop being silly!" he said crossly.

Kate grinned. "It's your birthday. Did you really think I'd forget."

"No," he laughed, but he seemed rather relieved. "What's for dinner, Grams?"

Martha laughed. "You should know. You helped make it."

"I forgot," he said, giggling.

"It's pasta," she said.

"Oh, right, with cheese and bacon sauce," he said, remembering. "I stirred the sauce, Mommy," he told Kate proudly. She put her arm around him.

"Good for you. Will you help wash up later?"

He laughed. "Of course. It's fun. I'm going to give you a beard made of bubbles."

"I can hardly wait," she said, and she was only partly joking. She looked forward to doing anything with her son.

When all the washing up was done, and Johnny had bathed, brushed his teeth and put on his pyjamas, Kate settled on the side of his bed. It was where his crib had been in the nursery. She turned off the light, and the glow-in-the-dark stars she had spent a day sticking to the ceiling shone brightly. Johnny lay down, and his eyes looked straight into hers.

"Tell me a story?" he said.

"Sure. Which one?"

"The one about my Daddy," he said. He had heard it many times before.

"Okay," Kate said. "Scooch over." He did, and she lay down beside him. He turned onto his side, and fiddled with her hair – she had grown it long. She faced him too.

"Once upon a time, there was a young woman, who worked for the NYPD."

"Kicking bad guys' asses," Johnny said, grinning.

"Precisely," she said. "Her name was Kate. And one day, Kate met a writer. He was very handsome, and very clever and kind – just like you. Kate and Rick became very good friends, and fell in love, and Kate soon found out that she was going to have a baby. But she and Rick didn't think they were in love any more. They were still very good friends, and they looked forward to their baby very much. They made lots of plans – but then Rick did something bad. He was very sorry, and everyone forgave him – because the main thing when you do something bad is realising you were wrong, and making it up to people. But then Rick realised something else. Although he loved the baby very very much, he had to go and save the world. He found out about a place where they didn't have nice apartments like we do – they didn't even have bathrooms, or clean water to drink. It's called Ethiopia. And Rick had to go and save them. Rick worked as hard as he could – and that's where he is now. He's building houses, and schools, and hospitals."

"Will he come back one day?" Johnny asked.

"I don't know. I hope so. But he thinks about you every time – and at night, he sleeps under the stars. You know something about the stars? They're the same, no matter where you are. Everyone can see them. Explorers used to use them to keep their way, when there were no maps to help them. And every night, when he goes to bed, your Daddy looks up at the stars, and thinks about how much he loves his son."

"And when I look at the stars, I think about how much I love my Daddy," Johnny said.

"Exactly," Kate said. She pulled him into a hug.

"Goodnight, and goodbye, little three year old."

"Goodnight Mommy. I think I'll know a lot more tomorrow. And be a lot taller."

"Don't be disappointed if you're not. But you grow every night, when you sleep – and you're always learning things."

Johnny smiled. "I love you."

"I love you too."

She went out into the hall, leaving the door a little bit open, just how Johnny liked it. She sat down on the couch with Martha, psyching herself up to make a birthday cake, and wrap up lots of presents.

She finished just after midnight. She arranged all the presents on the coffee table, and put the cake in the fridge. She laid the table with a birthday cloth, and the best dishes. When she was satisfied with everything, she walked silently to her room, and went to bed.

It felt like moments later when she was no longer alone under the crisp white sheets.

"Still sleeping, still night time," she muttered.

"No it's not!" Johnny said cheerfully. "It's morning. And it's my birthday!"

Kate forced herself awake, and grinned at the little boy jumping up and down on her bed. He was the spitting image of Rick, especially that adorable lopsided smile.

"Happy birthday Johnny. How does it feel to be four?" she asked, propping herself up on the pillows. He took this as an invitation to sit on her lap.

"Fun. But hungry."

She laughed, and looked at the clock. It was 6.35am.

"You want a pre-breakfast snack? I don't think we can wake Grams yet."

"Can I have chocolate?"

Kate raised her eyebrows.

"Chocolate?" she said in a mock horrified tone. "At this time in the morning?"

Johnny grinned. "It _is _my birthday."

Kate nudged him off her lap so she could get up, and pulled on her robe. "Well," she said as they walked to the kitchen. "I suppose, since it's your birthday..." she handed him a chocolate cookie, and went to sit with him on the couch.

"Wow!" he said when he saw the presents. "Thank you."

"You're very welcome, Johnny."

He settled on her lap again, but so he was facing her. He chattered away, and she listened and replied with interest.

The front door clicked.

"Who's that?" Johnny asked. "Alexis?"

Kate looked at the time. It was still before 7am. "It's very early," she said, wondering who it could be. She stood up, and hoisted Johnny up with her. Whoever it was had a key – so it must be Alexis. She stared at the door. It seemed to take forever to open.

And when it did, she was faced with a man who she hadn't seen in over four years. He was all muscle now, had a dark tan, and wore scruffy jeans rather than a suave suit. But it was him. His blue eyes stared at her, and the boy on her hip, and his expression of pure shock exactly mirrored hers.

_**I'm very much hoping that this speaks for itself! Big hugs, Z xxx**_


	18. Chapter 18

**Johnny stared at the man in the room, and then back at his mother. **He could feel the electricity zinging between them, but he had no idea what it meant.

"Mommy? Who's that man?"

Kate blinked. She couldn't believe what, or who, she was seeing.

"Uhm... That's... That's your Daddy, Johnny."

Johnny stared even harder. "You're the man who looks at the stars?"

Rick looked blank. He caught Kate's eye, and she nodded.

"Uh, yeah... Hey, Johnny."

Johnny clung on to Kate.

"Hello," he said quietly.

Kate put Johnny down. "Sweetie, would you run upstairs and wake your Grams? Tell her Daddy's here."

Johnny nodded, and seemed glad to get away. Kate took a step towards Rick.

"I thought," she whispered, "I thought, when you didn't write to Martha any more, that something had happened to you! I... I didn't tell him. But I thought you were dead."

Rick nodded. "Something very nearly did happen. But as you can see, I am very much alive. Uhm, not that it isn't lovely to see you, but what are you doing here?"

Kate answered without thinking. "I live here. I mean... Alexis and Martha asked me to move in. I thought it would be temporary, but then we didn't hear from you, and... Johnny's their family. And they feel like my family. We all thought... Well, anyway, we wanted to live together. It works..."

"He's wonderful."

"I know. He looks like just like you.

"I think he's like you."

Kate bit her lip. He was exactly the same. Except better looking. And she hadn't thought that was even possible. They smiled at each other awkwardly.

"Where do you both sleep?"

Kate let out a nervous giggle. "In..In your old room. And your old office."

Rick laughed. "I should have known better than to expect everything to be the same. It's his birthday today."

Kate nodded. "I know Martha told you."

Rick took out his wallet, and showed her the battered picture inside it, of Johnny – and of her.

"I think about him every day. Wondering how you two are doing."

"Why... Why now? Why didn't you let us know you were okay? Three years, Rick. Three years, I thought you were-" she stopped suddenly, seeing Johnny standing on the stairs. She looked up at him.

"Is he really my Dad?" he asked her. Kate nodded. Johnny walked slowly downstairs, and stood behind her, peeking out from behind her legs. Rick winked at him. Johnny smiled nervously. Rick was still just inside the door. He closed it. He just had a small backpack with him – no suitcase, no clothes. All his things he had either lost or given away.

Martha hurried down the stairs, on the phone to Alexis.

"I know it's early, honey, I'm sorry to wake you, but your Dad, he's still- I mean, he's home!"

Kate could hear the screaming on the other end of the phone.

"I know, I know. Come on over. No, don't worry about that, just get yourself over here."

Rick stared at her.

"She's at college?"

Martha nodded. "You shouldn't look so surprised – did you think she wouldn't go?"

Rick shook his head, but he was stunned. He embraced his mother, and smiled at her.

"I missed you," he said. Those three words encompassed a great deal, and Martha didn't need him to say anything else. She smiled.

"I missed you too, kiddo."

Johnny was desperately trying to keep up. "So," he whispered to Kate, "Grams is _his _Mom?"

Kate smiled, and knelt down so she was at his level. "Yeah. You remember the story, don't you? He's Rick. He's your Dad – he's the one who was saving the world."

"I know," Johnny said. He turned to Rick, and looked him up and down. "What's Ethiopia like?"

Rick smiled. "Hot."

Johnny laughed. Rick caught his eye. "But I think I've interrupted a very important celebration. Everyone's looking at me. But they should be looking at you."

Johnny smiled. "Why?"

"It's your birthday. You're four today."

Johnny smiled more. "You're right. I have _loads _of presents. And I bet I'm taller."

Rick grinned. "I wouldn't know whether you're taller than yesterday. But you're HUGE since I last saw you."

"When was that?"

"When you were still in your Mommy's tummy."

Johnny looked at Kate. "I'd never have fitted in there!"

Kate laughed. "My tummy got bigger. I can show you a picture."

"That's weird. Can I ask you something?"

Kate was still kneeling on the ground, and he whispered in her ear.

"Can that man have breakfast with us?"

"If he wants to. Why don't you ask him?" she whispered back. Johnny looked worried, but he looked up at Rick.

"You're very tall," he commented.

Rick nodded. "You might be too."

"I hope so."

"You have a good chance. A lot of your family is tall."

"Do you want to come to my birthday breakfast? It's going to be in the kitchen."

Rick laughed. "I'd love to. What are you having?"

"Pancakes."

"My favourite! I haven't had pancakes in years."

"What? But what did you have for special breakfasts in Ethiopia?"

Rick winked at Kate. "Cockroaches."

Johnny gasped.

"And worms," Rick continued. "Or spiders."

A small smile appeared on Johnny's face, replacing his aghast expression.

"Well, I think there are some spiders in the basement – you can have them instead."

Rick laughed. Kate stood up, and he leaned in to mutter in her ear.

"Definitely my son."

She laughed.

"What did he say?" Johnny demanded.

Kate smiled. "He said you're definitely his son – you're a lot like him."

Johnny smiled. "I like him. But I'm not going to Ethiopia."

Kate put her arm around him. "Good."

They decided to wait for Alexis before starting breakfast, and Kate sat on the couch – she had suggested to Johnny that they get dressed, but he had not only asked if he could stay in his pyjamas; he had wanted her to stay in hers as well. Johnny sat on her lap, and played with her dressing gown cord – he was in his favourite spot, on her knees, facing her. He put his hands on either side of her face, and then covered her eyes. She laughed. Rick watched them with fascination. Martha went to make some coffee, and Rick followed her to the kitchen, but didn't take his eyes of the pair sitting in the living room.

"Who are you staring at – him or her?" Martha asked.

Rick smiled. "Both. It's so... surreal, being back. And although I imagined him growing up, I never pictured him as so...well, as such a full person. He's amazing. And Kate... she looks so beautiful. Even more so than I remembered. I like her hair."

Martha laughed. "A lot more has changed than her hair."

"How have you been?" Rick asked her.

"You mean, aside from thinking that my only son was dead? I've been just dandy."

Rick frowned. "I would have... there was no way for me to get in touch. But I'm back for good."

"Did you accomplish what you wanted to?"

Rick nodded. "Far more than that. Look, I know she didn't, she doesn't... But did she think of me?"

Martha gave him a look. "Of course she did. Look at that boy. He's you. And look at her. That girl has not had a man in her life, aside from her son, since you left. You can say it's because of the child – but I'm sure there's something else there."

Rick gaped. "Really?"

"Yes!" Martha said. "Now, take her a coffee, and try not to be a pain. You can sleep in the guest room."

Rick nodded. "Thanks for taking her in."

"Don't thank me. I wanted her here. Thank her, for coming. She didn't have to. She could have given up on you completely – she didn't have to tell Johnny about you at all."

Rick nodded, and took the coffee. Kate held out her hand for it, and caught Johnny's eye.

"No spilling – it's hot."

Johnny smiled. "I won't spill it. You might."

Kate laughed. "If it weren't your birthday, I might tell you off for being cheeky."

Johnny pulled at her cheeks. "You're cheeky. Cheeky Mommy."

"Watch it," she said sternly, but she wasn't serious. Johnny turned around on her lap, and leaned back against her chest, turning his head to look at Rick. He pulled her free arm so it was around him.

"You like coffee?" he asked.

Rick nodded.

"So does Mommy. She drinks it _all _the time."

"I know. Do you like it?"

Johnny mad a face. "No. I like apple juice. But I'm hungry. Will Alexis be here soon?"

"You're always hungry," Kate said.

"I'm growing," Johnny said, as though he was explaining it to someone very stupid. He heard the door, and wriggled, but Kate kept him on her lap. Rick stood up, and watched as his now grown up daughter walked into the room. She walked straight up to him, and slapped him across the face. Johnny gasped, but Kate whispered in his ear that she would explain it later, and Alexis wouldn't be in trouble. Sure enough, in a few moments, Alexis was sobbing in her father's arms. Rick held her tight, and they stayed that way until Martha called them all for breakfast. Johnny stayed very close to Kate, pushing his chair right up next to hers, but he seemed to enjoy talking to Rick. He was sticking to _you _though, rather than Dad. Which was understandable, if a little hard for his father.

Kate and Alexis stayed in the kitchen to wash up. Johnny stayed with them, on the pretence of helping. Martha went upstairs with her son to help him sort out his room. Rick was exhausted. He had planned on coming home and passing out for at least 42 hours before he began his apologies – and instead, he was roped into a birthday party, and was clearly a visitor in his own home. He didn't mind though – it was better than any return he could have dreamed of.

Johnny had found a toy plane, and was sitting on the floor, whizzing it around his head with the appropriate sound effects. Kate and Alexis stood side by side at the sink, concentrating on the dishes.

_**Thanks for reading, please review! Loads of hugs and loveballs, Z xxx**_


	19. Chapter 19

"**I can't believe it's him," **Alexis whispered in Kate's ear. "I thought he was _dead_. I went through.. I mean, we didn't know, and I always hoped, but... I was sure something terrible had happened, when he stopped writing to Grams."

Kate nodded. "I thought so too," she whispered back. "I was even... I mean, I still _hoped _for him to come back. But things like that do happen. Are you okay, honey?"

Alexis scrubbed at a plate. "Mostly I'm just mad at him. Why didn't he get in touch?"

"I guess he has a lot of explaining to do," Kate said, gently taking the plate and rinsing it under the tap. She dried it, and put it away.

"But not today," Alexis said. "I mean, later. We mustn't let..."

Kate nodded emphatically. "We'll talk to him tonight. I know he's expecting it."

"I can't believe he left me," Alexis said quietly. She had been trying so hard not to make a fuss, but she couldn't help it – she was crying her eyes out. Kate put her arm around her, and gave her a hug. Johnny crept into the hug.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, honey?" Kate said, trying not to tear up herself.

"You're my Mommy. And the man is my Daddy, and Alexis' Daddy. So, are you Alexis' Mommy?"

Kate took a deep breath. "No-"

"But she might as well be," Alexis interrupted. She had been thinking about it, and in a way, Kate was more a parent to her than either of her biological ones. Kate had been there through everything – through her toughest teenage years – and had managed to keep her on track, while also becoming her best friend.

Johnny grinned. "Then we're a whole family now."

Alexis sniffed, and hugged him tighter. "We already were."

Johnny didn't really understand, but Kate did. She hoped they would be okay.

"Is it time for presents?" Johnny asked. Kate smiled, and remembered what was most important in her life.

"Yes – but let's get dressed first."

Johnny made a face, but Kate just made one back.

"Come on, it won't take long."

"But you'll have to have a shower..." Johnny complained.

Kate laughed. "I bet you I can be out of the shower before you're dressed."

Johnny hurtled towards his room, and grabbed some clothes. Kate caught up with him.

"Clean underwear," she reminded him.

"I _know_," he said, but he went back to his closet to get some. Kate got into the shower, and finally, alone in the clean white room, she wondered what this meant. Rick was alive. And back. And gorgeous. And a perfect father. And a miserable bastard who had left, and not even told them that he was okay. Could she forgive him? She let the hot water pound her skin as she thought. She hoped Alexis would cope – it had taken a lot of long, difficult conversations into the wee hours of the morning to convince her to move on with her life. She had been blossoming in college – she was beautiful, intelligent, wise, and kind. Kate was touched at what she had said a few minutes ago in the kitchen. She didn't feel like Lex's mother. But in a way, she did. She wondered again what on earth Rick had been up to-

"Mommy?"

That was something about having children she hadn't really anticipated. There was no such thing as privacy. She didn't lock the bathroom door any more, partly because she'd rather Johnny would come in if he needed her, than bother someone else, or try to fix whatever it was on his own, and end up breaking something – or hurting himself.

"What's up?" she called from the shower.

"I can't find that shirt, you know, the one with the train on it."

Kate knew better than to suggest that he wear another shirt. She sighed, rinsed out her hair one last time, and quickly got out and wrapped her towel around herself. Johnny looked devastated – he was still wearing his pyjama top.

"You won the bet," he said sadly.

"You can claim extenuating circumstances," she told him with a smile. "Come on, let's find your shirt."

"Can I choose what you wear today?"

Kate laughed. "Within reason." She followed him into his room. She had a feeling the red shirt might still be in the clean laundry she had taken out of the dryer and folded the night before. The basket was in her room. She went to look, and soon found it. She took it to her son, and handed to him ceremoniously.

"Happy Birthday," she said as she gave it to him. He smiled, and put it on.

"Now _you _have to get dressed," he said. He skipped into her room, and opened her closet. He looked at the clothes thoughtfully.

"I think you should wear this," he said, tugging at a red and white sundress.

"Johnny, it's February."

"So? You can wear a sweater too, if we go outside."

Kate laughed. "Fine. I'll put it on – you can go and tell everyone it's almost time for presents."

Kate put on the dress, and laughed again. She looked good in it. She might have been embarrassed that Rick would see her in it, once. But now she didn't care what he thought. The smile on Johnny's face was far more important, and far more rewarding, than anyone else's approval.

She went into the living room, where Martha, Alexis and Rick were now hovering. Johnny charged into her, and she lifted him up and spun him around.

"You look very pretty, Mommy," Johnny said happily.

"And you look absolutely dashing in that shirt," she told him.

They sat down, and Johnny admired the presents. He opened the biggest one first – it was a train set. Kate had spent hours online, and in toy shops, finding one with trains that you just pushed – Johnny didn't like the electric ones at his nursery. Eventually she had bought one from Ebay, and even though it was second hand, Johnny was completely delighted.

He opened the other things, but he couldn't take his eyes off the train set.

"We're going to make a railway now," he announced.

"Everyone?" Alexis asked.

"Yes," Johnny said firmly. He went to open the box. He struggled with the tape, and Rick produced a flick knife from his pocket, cutting neatly through the tape.

"Cool," Johnny breathed.

"Very Indiana Jones," Kate muttered. Rick heard her, and tipped his imaginary hat.

There was a loud clatter as Johnny tipped everything in the box onto the floor. He picked up a train, and pushed it along the floor.

"Aren't you going to build the track?" Kate asked him.

"No, you are. You, and _him_, and Alexis, and Grams."

They began to make a track, under Johnny's strict direction about where everything should go.

"You'd make a wonderful slave overseer, Johnny," Alexis told him. Johnny went over to Kate.

"You don't _have _to build if you don't want to, Mommy. You can play with the trains with me, if you want."

Kate pulled him onto her lap, and tickled him. "We're almost done with your track."

Johnny grinned, and wriggled away. He put a train on an unfinished part, and pushed it so it fell off, and crashed.

"That's what happens if the train goes on the track before it's finished."

"We'd better finish, then."

Johnny smiled. "It's okay. Normally, the people in the train would die." Kate hid her surprise at this. "But Mom's here, and she saves people every day. So she'll save them."

Rick looked at his son, and at Kate. Kate shrugged, indicating she had no idea where Johnny got this stuff. And Rick knew he had done the right thing. Kate and Johnny were so happy, and so good together. He wouldn't have been any help. He could be, now, but then he hadn't been in a fit state to help anybody. A lot of people wouldn't understand, and he would have a lot of explaining to do, but looking at his family, he couldn't imagine a better one.

_**Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it, and please review. I've had some comments about Kate going back to work a bit early - but it's part time, and Kate is so tied to her job, I don't think it's too unrealistic. As for Rick leaving, it does seem strange, but the explanation isn't over yet. Bear with me on this, guys ;-). Loads of hugs and loveballs, Z xxx**_


	20. Chapter 20

**Johnny was asleep, finally. It had been an effort to get him to go to bed; **Kate had wished he would behave himself – she thought Rick might think she was a bad mother. She had managed to make the day all about her son, though. She had just ignored Rick, or at least, ignored the fact that he had been gone for four years, that she had thought he was dead, and that he was the father of her child. Alexis had gone home – she said she had studying to do, but Martha had offered to drive her, and she wasn't back yet. Kate wondered how Rick would make it up to her. She wondered what Rick thought of her staying in his house. In his room. In his _bed_. Now he was here, it felt very wrong.

She went through to the living room, a cosy sweater over her dress, and there he was. Sitting on the couch like he had never been away. She could see his abs through his t-shirt – that was new. He looked so much stronger, and there was something in his eyes too. As though he was wiser.

"Hey," he said, not sure whether she would want to talk now.

"Hey," she replied. "So..."

"Where do you want to start?"

She smiled, and sat at the other end of the couch, turning so her back was against the armrest, then pulling her legs up in front of her, looking at him over her knees. He had his arms spread out on the back of the couch, and he turned to face her.

"I think you should start," she said. He nodded.

"It was after I had been to your place. I kicked Gina out, and broke my contract with her. So I didn't have a publisher. And there was this guy I was supposed to meet in LA. I got there a day early, so I went to a bar in the evening. I was so... I felt terrible. I was trying to drown my sorrows, so I wasn't thinking about... And there was this girl. She was beautiful, and she'd read all my books. She wanted my autograph, and then she wanted to hang out with me. Her friends came over too, and we were partying. And then I saw a college ID in her purse. She was eighteen. And _I had been into her. _She was only a few years older than Alexis! I went to the bathroom and puked my guts out, then had a coffee.

I had to get my head straight. I left the bar, and walked through the streets. I was still walking in the morning. People recognised me, especially women. They all thought the same thing – that I was a playboy, that I would want them, that I was up for it. And I realised that wasn't who I was. It was who I had pretended to be, since... Well, since before the end of high school. My first book came out when I was in college – I can barely remember not being rich and sought after. I know this is making me sound like a tool. And that's the way it should be.

So I was walking through LA. I was lost, I didn't even know the name of the hotel to tell a taxi driver. I kept walking. There was this guy, standing on a street corner, holding a bucket, trying to raise money to build a well in Ethiopia. I asked about it, I don't know why, but I didn't give him any money. I finally got back to the hotel, but I couldn't stop thinking about something he'd said. Something about making a difference, that it's never too late.

But I had told him that it was too late for me. I've done so many things – I have a criminal record! And I was going to have a son. I had deserted him, and my whole family, because I couldn't face them. I thought about going back – I wanted to. But I would have just gone back to being the same asshole I've always been. The only thing I didn't screw up was Alexis, and I thought it was only a matter of time.

There are a lot of things in my life you don't know about. My childhood, wondering who my father was, school... I've always been a troublemaker. I always make jokes. I don't like what's real. I started writing to make a fantasy world for myself because I couldn't stand the real one. And I was living in my fantasy world – even on that drunken night, all I'd been doing was having a little drama for myself.

I didn't know how to fix anything. I thought about seeing a shrink – paying someone thousands of dollars to talk about my life. It works for some people, don't get me wrong. But there are so many far bigger problems! People get shot, people die, people starve, people lose everything... and I was having a melt down because I'D been an idiot, and been with the wrong woman, while the first person to really get to know me was carrying my child. My _second _accidental child.

I thought about how I'd been when Lex was born, how Meredith and I stayed together, but I was just pretending – she wasn't faithful, and you know what? Neither was I, once I found out. We were the same – I tried to be a good father, but if Lex hadn't been so smart, I probably would have ruined her life too. And then Gina.. it was convenient. It made sense in the story I wanted my life to be.

I've made so many mistakes, and in LA, I started trying to work out how to fix them. I went to see Meredith, and apologised. She laughed. I called Gina, and left her a message. And I went back to that corner, and talked to the guy with the megaphone and the clipboard, and I said, I'll do it. We went out for coffee, and he gave me some contacts. I did the research, and I left. I knew from my mother that you and Alexis were okay – I knew it wasn't great. I spent Christmas working in a homeless shelter, and then I had to go to England to meet someone who was going to help me. And then, just after Johnny was born, I left.

I don't expect it to make sense to you. But I had to get my head straight. And I thought about all these people, who have nothing, yet stay so strong – and I had everything, but I was still weak. I wanted to do something hard. I wanted to push myself. I'd never worked a day in my life. I had to work, I had to feel the strain of labouring for something that was almost impossible. I remembered when I was little, I always imagined the father I didn't know as someone who changed things – he was a spy who saved the world, or a brave explorer.

And now I was going to have a son, and that son would have a father he didn't know. And I wanted my son's father to be the dream – I wanted my real life to be worth something. So much of my life was based on fantasy. I had to do something that my son would be proud of."

He had stopped looking at Kate after a few sentences, instead looking up through the skylight at the glow of New York, which hid the stars. Kate was glad he wasn't looking – she had been crying. If she hadn't understood, she could have stayed mad at him. If she'd completely understood, there wouldn't have been a problem. But she was stuck in between the two. What he said made sense, and it was undeniable, he had been doing _good._ But he had still left. He had still left his children, and his family.

She didn't know if it was selfish or not. As if he had heard her thoughts, Rick looked around at her.

"I must sound so selfish, so self absorbed. But it would have been more selfish to stay – I used you, Kate."

"I wanted to be used."

"That doesn't matter. And anyway, are you sure? Because I didn't want to use you. I wanted it to be real."

"It was too... I don't know. I enjoyed it, so much. It's still a good memory."

"For me, too. I'm glad. But I didn't want to continue to use you. I wanted you to have a life free of me – if I hadn't forced myself on you, you would never have had to make the choice about whether what we were doing was right or not. I didn't want you to have to continue making it."

"So you chose for me? For all of us?"

"It wasn't a perfect solution."

Kate laughed sarcastically. "You think?"

Rick made a face. "I'm an idiot. But I can see in your face that you get it."

"I know you don't have a perfect life, and hard things happened to you, too. You have all these things you have to work through, just like everyone else. And I already knew you had a thing for big gestures."

"It worked. I met people who were real. Bad people, confused people – and I was actually useful."

"You? Work?"

He laughed. "You should have seen me in those first few weeks. But I hope you'll give me a chance to prove that I've changed. I might even have grown up."

"Took you long enough," she said, but she was softening towards him all the time. She hated herself for it, but she could see where he was coming from, and she knew that although it wasn't the perfect choice, he had made it with very good intentions. And it would have been hard, if he had stayed. She would have been alone.

"Did you stay away so Lex and I would stay close?"

Rick looked at her. "I wondered if you'd work that out. You were so good for her. Alexis never had a mother she could rely on, she never had a role model. For her, you were the first woman she'd seen a lot of that she could actually respect, and who could actually teach her something."

Kate began to see how much he'd thought this out. "And you knew if you stayed, we wouldn't see each other?"

"Exactly. Let's face it, I never taught her much. She needed you. I made sure you two were friends – if you hadn't gone for it, I would have come back. I felt awful for deserting her. Of course she needed a parent. But I think she needed you, more than she needed me."

Kate thought about her relationship with Rick's daughter, and she understood his actions even more.

"You should still have spoken to us. And what about-"

"I had to let you do it on your own. I kept in touch. And yeah, that. It is a very long story. Involving... so much. I actually did _nearly _die. I was in a fight!"

"You still sound like an excited little boy when you say that."

"Yeah. I make light of it. Trying to do that less, now you mention it. Out there... I learned how to be real. I learned how important each day is – because for those people, the next day _really _could be their last."

Kate could see from the look in his eyes that he meant it. He had a depth to him that hadn't been there before. She was tired, and although they weren't nearly done catching up, they both thought bed sounded like a good idea.

"Look, I know I'm in your room – you should have it back-"

Rick laughed. "No way. It's your room, Kate, and that's the way it should be. This is as much your apartment as mine now, in fact, it's more yours."

Kate shook her head, but he was serious. "I don't want to hear anything about how I should have my room back, or any talk of you leaving. If you don't want to live with me, I'll leave. Got it?"

Kate bit her lip, but nodded. Having a child did that to you, as well. If it hadn't been for Johnny, she might have left already. But now she always thought of Johnny first, and he was happy right where he was – she wouldn't take him away from that.

She went to her room, and quickly got ready for bed. She went in to check on Johnny. He seemed to be sleeping peacefully, and she watched him for a while. She began to cry again – it had been a day full of tears.

She went back to her own bed, but no sooner had she closed her eyes, was there a quiet knock on the door.

_**Thanks for reading, and for all the reviews you've left, you wonderful people :-). Please keep writing them! Loads of love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	21. Chapter 21

****_**Disclaimer: All the stuff about Rick may well be inaccurate. I know about it from watching the movie Beyond Borders (with Angelina Jolie), and a few websites - I hope I've made it feel reasonably authentic. **_

_**Thanks for reading!**_

**Hundreds of thoughts rushed through Kate's brain at once. **Was it Rick? Had he changed his mind about the sleeping arrangements? Did he think that she had already forgiven him? And not only that but that she would _want _him? Tonight? That new body was delicious, she couldn't argue with that, but really? The door opened, and she prepared to kick him out, anger boiling up inside her – after everything his had said about NOT wanting to use her, and how he had changed-

"Mommy? Are you okay?"

Kate felt her bubble of rage (and also desire, though she would deny it) deflate as rapidly as it had grown.

"Johnny?" She sat up in bed, and patted the bed beside her. "I'm okay. What made you think I wasn't?"

Johnny snuggled against her, and she tucked him under the covers.

"You were crying."

Kate had been so sure she hadn't woken him. "I'm so sorry I woke you, honey, but really, I'm fine."

"You didn't wake me. I woke up before, and I was listening to you and that man talking. I couldn't hear what you were saying. I tried, but you were too quiet. But when you came in I thought you might be mad that I listened, so I pretended to sleep. And then you were crying – are you mad at me?"

Kate hugged him close to her. "No. I'm not mad at you at all."

"I know I wasn't very good," he said into her side.

Kate pulled him closer to her. "You weren't amazing – but the main thing is that you're sorry now. And you don't have to be _that _sorry – you were just excited."

"It was a very good birthday."

"I'm glad you had fun."

Johnny wrapped his arms around her, and she stroked his back.

"Can I sleep here tonight?" he whispered.

Kate sighed. She usually had a strict own-bed policy with Johnny, but it had been such a long, weird day, she knew he was feeling shaken. He had been lying awake, too, which was odd for him – he had been a good sleeper since birth.

"Just this once," she said, and Johnny smiled at her. She settled him down properly, tucking him in on one side of the bed, but as soon as she lay down, he moved right next to her. She gave in and put her arms around him. She had never been allowed to sleep like this (or at all) in her mother's bed – but she remembered how much she had wanted to, when she felt scared and alone at night.

Kate was usually a fan of lazy Sunday mornings, but Johnny had other ideas. He woke up at 6am, and although he tried to get up without waking her, he didn't manage it. She sat up, and he smiled.

"You are awake," he said happily. "I'm going to go and play with my trains. Want to come?"

Kate smiled. She actually did. She got out of bed and put on a sweater, then followed him into the living room where the huge railway from yesterday was still set up. Johnny entertained himself by adding several natural disasters, and train robberies, to the game, complete with sound effects. Kate joined in with enthusiasm – once awake, she usually found she was a morning person after all. She went through to the kitchen to make some coffee, and sat down on the couch, watching Johnny play. Soon his train decided to do some off road exploring, and ended up driving along her legs. She thought it was sweet, the way he gravitated towards her. She'd never thought she would mean that much to anyone.

The front door opened, and Alexis came in. Martha had come back late last night; Kate had heard the door. Wordlessly, Alexis sat down beside Kate, and Johnny acknowledged her presence by letting his train drive on her as well. Kate pulled Alexis into a one armed hug, and Alexis rested her head on her shoulder.

"What did he say?" she asked quietly.

"A lot," Kate replied. "It makes sense, sort of. He did think about it... You should talk to him, though."

"Mmm. I don't even know if I want him back."

Kate smiled. "Yes you do. You want him back – you're angry, and hurt, but you want him back."

Alexis nodded. "Don't leave, okay? Even if you're mad at him, you mustn't leave," she said suddenly.

Kate held her tighter. "I promise, I won't leave."

"Good. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You'd be alright. You're smart, kind, and effective – you'd be just fine. But I want to stay. You're as much part of my family as he is," she said, nodding at Johnny.

"Thank you," Alexis said quietly. Johnny clambered onto her lap, his 'spidey senses' telling him that she needed cheering up. He tugged at her hair.

"Why is it called red, when it's actually orange?"

Alexis smiled. "I don't know."

"It's like calling my hair green," Johnny continued, sticking his tongue out at her. "Do you want to go swimming today?"

Alexis looked over at Kate to make sure this would be okay. Kate nodded.

"I'd love to."

"Mommy, will you come?"

Kate thought about it. From the look of him, Rick was going to sleep all day anyway.

"I'd love to come – thank you very much for inviting me."

Johnny laughed, and shuffled in between her and Alexis. He looked from one to the other.

"Can we go now?"

They arrived back three hours later, with wet hair and tired eyes. Johnny was in Kate's arms – he had fallen asleep in the car. Rick was up, to Kate's surprise – and when he saw Alexis, he smiled. They needed to talk. Kate made a snap decision, and turned around, going back out of the door.

"Where we going?" asked her confused and barely awake son.

"Out to lunch," Kate said cheerfully. Johnny seemed happy with this plan, and Kate had to admit she was a little relieved to be allowed to escape with him for another hour or so.

Rick sat down with Alexis, and told her the same story he had told Kate. She listened in silence, not commenting, not giving anything away. When he told her about wanting her to have Kate as a role model, and partly leaving so they would stay close, she turned her face around him, realising how good that had been for her. She still wasn't sure that he had to leave to make that happen, and he definitely wouldn't have had to go as far as Ethiopia, but what he was saying did make sense.

"And why did you stop contacting us?" she asked finally. Rick had known this was coming – he would have to relive it, but it was okay. They had saved everyone, and they had started again.

Alexis found herself transported into a world of shady deals, poverty, starvation and war. Her father had always been a wonderful storyteller – but this time, the story was true.

The village had been finished, and everyone had moved into the new houses. They were celebrating. Everyone had gone to bed feeling happy, and exhausted. _Rick was one of the last ones up, and he sat with Sparky outside their camp. They would be leaving soon – only the doctor and Lucy would stay on. It had been a year._

_Rick glimpsed something, out of the corner of his eye. A person. He looked hard in that direction – it was dark, but he was sure he was seeing other figures, going towards the hospital. He grabbed Sparky, keeping him quiet, and they went to see what was going on. There was a gang of about six, not armed, but strong looking. And they were stealing the medicine. Thousands of dollars worth of vaccinations and remedies. Rick wanted to confront them, but Sparky forced him to wait – they woke up five more guys, and then ran after the thieves._

_They caught up after about an hour – the thieves had stopped to make camp. Rick and Sparky simply took the medicine back, and their translator told the group of furious men that they had better stay away. _

_Rick should have seen that it wouldn't be over. There was no police there, no one to save you, not in a place like this. They kept up a night watch, but a few nights later, there was a fire. The watchman had tried to wake everyone, but the fire spread quickly through the dry wooden buildings. _

_The doctor had managed to save the patients, but the medicine was destroyed. Rick looked around. The people weren't even screaming, or crying for the loss of their new homes and possessions. It was as though they expected nothing better._

_Rick found himself with Sparky again, running through the village, listening for people trapped in buildings. Rick hauled out a three year old child, and felt terror in his heart. They found six more people – badly burned, but alive. None dead. But there was always one more. A young woman, shouting from inside a house. Rick wasn't sure why she couldn't get out, but he guessed she was just terrified. Another shout took Sparky running off into the distance, and Rick charged into the house. It wasn't on fire – just smoky. He followed the shouts to a dark corner of the room- and everything went black._

_He woke up, still in blackness. He could feel a sticky wetness on his head, and he had a blindfold on. He was handcuffed to something – he could hardly move. He wondered if someone had found out his true identity, and was after his money. But he suspected it was just revenge. _

_They didn't know he had money. He lost count of the days he was a prisoner. He was tortured, sometimes, but he had a feeling there were a lot of prisoners there. He thought he might be a religious sacrifice. And he thought about his manuscript, which had been his journal, and which was now ashes. _

_Sparky got him out – but it took months, and money, and everyone else thought he was dead. They had rebuilt the village as best they could, and Rick was put in the hospital. But he realised nothing was going to change. These people would just burn it down again. Unless they came to some kind of agreement. Or, unless they fought back._

Rick wouldn't describe the fighting to Alexis. He had scars from it, though. His eyes glazed over when he thought about. She pressed him, asking what happened.

"We won," he said quietly. "There's a deal. It still stands."

_Everyone was leaving. The village was built again, and as safe as they could make it. But Rick had never seen death like that before. He had made his living writing about it, but he had never _felt _it. He found himself with Sparky again. Sparky seemed to relish danger. And there was another job – it didn't need funding, but it did need people. _

"_You're the right kind of guy for this," he told Rick, "and I can tell you're not done. You came to find something, I think. And you haven't found it yet."_

_Rick felt as though his eyes had only just been fully opened. He had to go with Sparky. He hadn't been in touch with his family for six months – and Sparky told him it was likely everyone thought he was dead. He wanted to contact them – and he wrote a letter – but Sparky told him where they were going, contact would be impossible, and when they got there, he found the letter in Sparky's pack._

_There was a confrontation, but Sparky stood firm._

"_You can't bring your family with you here. You need to give yourself to it, for now."_

"I never did, though," Rick said. "I thought about you every night. We went far deeper and darker than I ever want to think about again. But we continued to help people. We saved children, and more and more people... And there were always more. Sparky was... completely mental. I think that was it – he had been driven crazy by it all. He was brilliant, but I wouldn't have been surprised if one night he had come into my tent and slit my throat for being in the one percent."

"But, what were you doing?"

"We were saving child soldiers. And that's all I'm going to say. How we did it, and everything that happened – you're better off not knowing."

"Why did you come back?"

"Sparky died. And I nearly did, again. And when I didn't, I realised I had to be true to the people I love."

He lifted up his shirt, and showed her the tiny round scar on his chest.

"When that went in, there was only one thing in my mind. My family. I thought my last thought would be of you, and when it wasn't, I knew it was time to go back." He put the shirt down. "You never know – the bad guys might have been lucky the third time."

Alexis couldn't think about anything but the scar. "You're still an idiot," she sobbed, falling against his chest. He hugged her tight.

"I know," he said gently.

"I'm glad you're home."

"Me too."

_**Thanks again for reading, please review, and take care ;-) Loads of hugs and loveballs, Z xxx**_


	22. Chapter 22

**Rick had to tell the story to Kate again when she got home, quietly, while Johnny pushed his trains around their railway. **Watching the little boy was hypnotic – he was so free, and so happy. For him, the world was black and white – and his life was entirely in the white. He had a smile that could melt your heart.

"I think that's true happiness," Rick said, looking at his son.

"I hope so," Kate replied.

"I'm so sorry," Rick said. "For everything."

Kate smiled. "Don't be. I don't know who I'd be without him, now. There's no point reliving what's past – he's wonderful, anyway. I never thought I would ever love so much."

"I love him too."

"I know you do."

"I'd like to get to know him... If that's okay."

"He's your son, Castle," Kate said gently. Rick noticed that she had gone back to her familiar name for him – his work name.

"Tell me about him," Rick said. Kate laughed.

"I hardly know where to start. I think you just have to spend time with him. I mean, I can tell you what we do every day.."

"Do that," Rick said, smiling.

"Okay... We spend the weekend together. He has nursery Monday through Wednesday, and Thursday and Friday he spends with Martha, Alexis, or Lanie. I work shorter days – I take him to nursery for nine, and pick him up at four. It's part of a school already – I think he might go there. He already has a place, and it's supposed to be good. That would be next September, when he's five. At weekends we do all kinds of things. If he's sick, I stay home. If we have a real emergency, he comes to the 12th – he's kind of our new mascot."

Castle laughed. "What's he like?"

Kate sighed. "He's like us. I didn't think it would be so obvious – but it is. He's funny like you, and smart like you. He's a bit perfectionist, like me. And he likes to be in charge, although I'm quite strict with him about the rules we do have. I'm sure he can read already – I wasn't going to teach him, but he loves being read to, and he started asking about the letters when he was about two. He spoke very early – a chatterbox, like his Dad. He likes sport. He loves laser tag – that was Alexis' idea. I hope you don't mind-"

"Not at all. I'm glad. Passing on my legacy." He winked at her. Johnny suddenly stopped playing.

"I know you're talking about me, Mommy. I think I should tell the man about you."

"If you like. But, Johnny, maybe you could call him Rick?"

"Rick. I guess... Well, _Rick_, Mommy's the best. Although she always makes me go to bed early, and tidy my toys away. She's very good at stories. And games. We play _loads. _What did you do with Mommy, when you knew her?"

Rick glanced Kate, who flashed him a cheeky smile. She looked at Johnny.

"He followed me around, annoying me every day, until he wore me down and I started to like him."

Rick laughed. "Couldn't have put it better myself. We, uhm, _played_ quite a lot too."

Kate elbowed him. Johnny climbed onto Rick's lap, which surprised everyone.

"_What _did you play?"

Rick struggled. "Uh, snakes and ladders?"

Kate stifled a laugh. Johnny kept looking at Rick.

"Snakes and ladders is boring. It's all luck – there's no way to win. It's just counting."

Rick smiled. "You're right. Can you count?"

"To a hundred. Wait, a thousand, actually."

"Really?"

"Yep. One, two, miss a few, ninety-nine, miss a few more, a thousand!"

Rick laughed. "Why are you so brown?" Johnny asked.

Rick smiled. "Because I was in Africa, and it was very hot and sunny."

"And he didn't wear his cap and sunblock," Kate added, "so he might have gotten skin cancer."

"Then you're silly," Johnny said. "Your face is prickly," he added, stroking Rick's cheek.

"I haven't shaved in a while."

"It's funny," Johnny said simply, then tapped Rick's nose. Rick blinked. Johnny shuffled over to Kate's lap, and tapped her nose. She tapped his, and he began to tug at her hair.

"Do you like Mommy's hair?" he asked Rick.

"She has a lot more than when I last saw her."

"I don't remember. But she dyed it, and had it cut. I like it cos it's shiny and kind of, uh, gold now."

"I like it too."

Johnny turned to lean against his mother.

"Rick?" he said.

"Yeah?"

"Do you live with us now?"

"I think so, yes. If nobody minds."

"I don't mind. As long as you keep helping with the trains. And show me how to balance a spoon on my nose like you did yesterday."

Rick laughed. "Deal."

"Good. Can you cook?"

"Yes. But your Mom's better."

"My Mom's the best at everything. I know. What can you cook?"

Rick laughed, and Kate kissed the top of Johnny's head. "Pasta. Uhm, curry, stew... Lots of things."

"Do you cook spiders to eat?"

"Yeah, all insects – it makes them crunchy."

"Ewww. You're disgusting."

Kate laughed. "I agree with you there. We have to do some housework, Johnny. We could let Rick go back to bed – are you still tired?"

"I'm actually okay. And I hate to think of you cleaning while I sleep. Why don't I help?"

Johnny grinned. "He can do my part."

Kate tickled him. "No, _you _are going to do your part."

Rick smiled. "How do you help, Johnny?"

Johnny laughed. "I have a train. And I get in the way. That's what Grams says. But she also says I do it in such a nice way that no one minds. And I turn on the washing machine. And I like taking the clothes out of the dryer, because they're all sticky and funny."

"So Mommy does all the work?"

"No. Mommy makes sock puppets."

Johnny went to get his train, and Rick looked at Kate. "You could have hired someone-"

"I don't have maids. Anyway, we enjoy it. "

Rick smiled. That was the Kate he remembered. But she had changed – she looked different, of course, but the way she was with Johnny... She was much softer, and more feminine, almost. She was still completely in control, but she was also... cute. And sock puppets? That he would have to see to believe.

When the laundry was done, the kitchen was clean, the floor was hoovered, and the beds were made, Johnny ended up sitting on the kitchen counter. Rick was in the kitchen, chopping vegetables. Kate was laying the table. Johnny spun around on the counter to look at her.

"When we cook, we have music on."

Kate nodded. "Well, ask. Maybe Rick likes music too?"

Rick turned on the radio before Johnny needed to ask, and Johnny smiled. Martha appeared – she had taken Alexis back to college again, and then done some shopping.

"Well, just look at that," she whispered to Kate when she came into the room. Johnny was chattering away to Rick, and Rick was falling back into fatherhood as though he had never been away.

Kate tutted. "I'm almost angry that he's so good at it."

Martha smiled. "I know how you feel darling, but look on the bright side. Johnny has a father, who loves him, and who he can love. They are alike – Johnny has more sense already, but they are alike."

Kate laughed. "It could have gone a lot worse," she conceded. But she couldn't forget how much of Johnny's life Rick had missed. No matter what he had been doing, or how good the reasons for staying away had been, he had abandoned his son. She wondered if she was being too harsh. She had a strong suspicion that she was also angry because not only had Rick abandoned Johnny, he had abandoned her, when she might well have been falling in love with him.

_**Thanks for reading, please review! Love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	23. Chapter 23

**The next morning, Kate got up at six, in line with her usual routine. **She dressed quickly in her running clothes, tied back her hair, plugged herself into her iPod, and left the apartment. She ran to keep fit, but also because it gave her time to think, and to relax. It helped her to feel free, and peaceful.

She did her stretches in the lobby, warming up, preparing for the cold air outside. But just as she was about to start running, she caught sight of someone behind her, in a reflection on the glass door. She whipped around abruptly, turning off her music.

"Castle?"

He was dressed in shorts. Period. Well, he had socks and shoes on. But no shirt. He looked at her innocently – he had obviously been watching her warm up from behind.

"Hello, Beckett. I see you like to go running too."

She groaned. There would be no getting away from him now.

"I like to go running _alone_," she said, pointedly putting her earphones back in. He ignored this gesture, and continued to talk to her. She turned up the volume, and didn't hear what he said, but his presence still frustrated her. _Go away_, she mouthed, but he just smiled. She marched past him, out of the lobby, and started to run. She went faster than usual, but he kept up easily, staying at her side. Out of the corner of her eye, she could watch his muscles dancing around on his chest and stomach – and she wondered if being out of breath was the only reason she was panting. This was not a good way to start her day. Especially as she was still mad at him.

He caught her looking, and she blushed bright red. He laughed, and indicated that she should take her earphones out. She sighed. She couldn't concentrate anyway. She wound them up and put them in her pocket.

"It must have been a long time for you," he said casually. She felt her cheeks redden even more, but she didn't answer. Maybe he would think it was the exercise. She didn't know why she was so embarrassed – clearly, he had been enjoying the view of her behind when she was stretching earlier, and even now, his eyes often seemed to roam away from her face, flicking back only when he noticed she was watching.

Truthfully, she hadn't been with anyone since him. She hated even admitting that to herself – but she knew she shouldn't be ashamed. She had wanted to be with Rick, before he had left, and then she'd had Johnny – he was her life now. A little voice in her head (the Lanie one, again) shared the opinion that she had still been waiting for Rick. She told it to shut up.

"What about you?" she asked, knowing it was lame, but desperate to divert even her own attention from her sparse sex life.

It was Rick's turn to feel pressured – but he didn't seem nearly so bothered by talking about it with her, as she was bothered by the thought of sharing with him.

"Honestly, there hasn't been anyone. Not since I left New York."

Kate tried to hide her surprise. Maybe he really had changed.

"I guess... Well, all that stuff about being a better person, and not using people – I meant it. I know you're surprised, I can see it on your face – but while I was in Africa, I just wasn't thinking about it. Whenever my mind wasn't occupied by what we were doing out there, I was thinking about Johnny, and Alexis, and you."

He had thought about her? Again, she hid her emotions. She was angry with him. She had to be. For her son, she had to be. But Johnny liked him so much... And-

No. She wouldn't defend him. She couldn't. She just wanted to. And that body...

The rest of the run was more like torture, than the refreshing morning routine it was supposed to be. A very cold shower later, Kate was ready for work, and calm enough to get Johnny up, and get him ready for nursery. Rick had disappeared to the guest bathroom, and Kate hoped he would stay there.

Johnny wasn't in the mood for nursery. He was tired, and he often found it boring.

"Can't I just stay here and play with the railway?" he asked for what seemed like the thousandth time.

"No," Kate answered patiently. "You have to go. It'll be fun, your friends are there, and I'm sorry, buddy, but you don't have a choice. Now go brush your teeth."

Johnny groaned, and Kate laughed inwardly at how similar his groan was to hers. She went through to the kitchen to make him a packed lunch, and found Rick there, making coffee. Wearing a towel. It sat lower than his shorts had, and his back was to her. Her eyes began following the trail of his spine downwards before she even realised what they were doing. She snapped out of it just before he turned around, and smiled as if nothing was wrong. She moved towards him, heading for the refrigerator. He moved out of the way, but not quite enough, so she had to brush past him to open the door. She inhaled his scent – he smelled wonderful. She hated him so much right now!

Having completely forgotten what she had wanted, she closed the fridge again.

"Would you put some clothes on, please?" she asked him, deciding that admitting his state of undress bothered her wasn't as bad as burning up right there in his kitchen. He smiled.

"Sorry, didn't think," he said, looking charmingly abashed, and disappearing upstairs. Kate remembered she was making a packed lunch, and found what she needed, putting together some sandwiches in a small plastic box.

Johnny appeared, with a big blob of toothpaste on his jumper.

"I'm ready."

"Good, because we have to go. Here," she said, reaching down with a wet cloth to wipe off the mark. "Did you have to bring anything?"

"No – well, we can bring a toy, but I don't want to."

"Fair enough. You all set then?" she asked, handing him the bag.

"I think so. What does Rick do all day?"

Kate smiled. "I don't know. You'd have to ask him."

As if on cue, Rick bounded downstairs wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Johnny grinned when he saw him.

"What are you gonna do today?" Johnny asked.

Rick grinned back. "Don't know yet. I don't have any plans."

"I want to be like him," Johnny said to Kate. "No work, no nursery, no school..."

Kate laughed. "But he's going to be so bored all day, right?"

Rick got the idea. "Yeah – I'd much rather have something fun like nursery to go to."

Johnny smiled hugely. "But you can. Parents come, right Mommy?"

Kate hadn't thought of it, but Johnny was right. "Yes, they can."

"Would you come, Rick?" Johnny asked. Kate would have protested – she knew it would be boring, and Rick would have to deal with a lot of tired, stay-at-home Moms with annoying, sticky toddlers. She had discovered you could love your own child more than anything in the world, and still be completely uninterested in other people's children. But Rick deserved it – running would never be the same for her again.

Rick couldn't say no to his son – even though the glint in Kate's eye told him he was in for a punishing day. He grabbed his shoes, jacket, and wallet, while Kate and Johnny waited in the hallway. Soon they were in the car – Rick in the back seat, because they were late, and Johnny's booster was already in the front. Johnny found this very amusing – Kate did too, although she didn't say so out loud.

She dropped them off at the nursery. Johnny was extremely excited – Kate felt sorry for him – he was a lot smarter than some of the other kids, and he didn't enjoy the group activities much. But he had to learn to get along with other children, and he would find going to school 5 days a week much easier if he was already used to going to nursery for 3. Kate got out of the car too, to explain to the teachers who Rick was, and make sure it was okay for him to stay. They were delighted.

"We've never had a _father _before," said the gleeful headteacher, a middle aged woman who seemed to greatly appreciate the way Rick wore his shirt. Rick looked terrified.

"Have fun, boys," Kate called as she went back to the car, feeling incredibly pleased with herself.

_**Thanks for reading, and thank you so much for all the follows, and lovely reviews and tweets! It is so great that people seem to enjoy this story - don't hesitate to review or tweet me any comments or constructive criticism. I hope you liked the chapter! Loads of love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	24. Chapter 24

_**A/N: So I was just reading a fic (It's in my favs) where Beckett has terminal cancer. And now I am crying, listening to Michael Bublé, and trying to cheer myself up with a cute little kid, and a cute little couple. Therefore, if this chapter is either overly happy, or overly depressing, I apologise in advance...And if you want to cheer me up by following, reviewing, finding me on twitter, or doing anything else amusing, it would be greatly appreciated! **_

Kate pulled up at the precinct, wondering how she was going to tell Ryan, Espo and Gates that Rick was back. Lanie already knew – she had texted her at the weekend. And suddenly she had a thought, that turned into a dagger of pain through her chest. Rick didn't know that Montgomery was dead. He didn't know that she had solved her mother's murder. He didn't know any of it... She thought about that day, and how she had gone after Maddox.

He had kicked her off that building, as she begged him to let her live.

"_Please! I have a son. Please..." She heard his footsteps fade into the distance, and thought about her little boy, waiting for her to come home. She thought about the way he called 'Mommy' when he heard her open the door. She thought about his big blue eyes, and his adorable smile, and she knew she couldn't die._

_She had seen the documentaries. She had five minutes. She concentrated on keeping her fingers locked onto that ledge, and screamed for all she was worth. She didn't have a name to scream – but by God did she have motivation not to fall._

_Johnny! She thought as he right hand fell away from the ledge. "No," she said to herself as she looked down. "Not like this..." She screamed louder – and her miracle had arrived. It had come with a suspension, and a very difficult few weeks – but she had caught the killer, and Ryan and Espo were back to being closer than brothers. Ryan had just been Ryan – she hadn't had a knight in shining armour to wish for._

And she would have to tell Rick. She had been so focused on all the explaining he had to do, and all the things he wanted to know about Johnny, that she'd forgotten how much of her life he had missed. She caught herself. Why did she even think he would want to know?

She sighed. Damn Castle. He had made her go from feeling mischievously happy to worried and insecure in a matter of minutes – and he wasn't even there.

She decided to visit Lanie on her lunch break. There was no murder – but there was a trial to prep for, so both the boys were in the bull pen. She hustled them into the break room, and just told them outright, as succinctly as possible.

"Castle's alive. And back."

Ryan looked elated; Espo saw her issues more quickly. He and Lanie really were meant to be.

"Don't you live in his apartment now?"

"Yeah. I think we're going to stay – he wants us to."

Espo nodded. "Makes sense. But if he tries anything, you let him know I'll kick his ass right back to Africa."

Kate laughed. "Thanks. I'll be sure to pass that on."

"Yeah, and I'll help," Ryan added. "Hey, how was Johnny's birthday?"

Kate smiled. She loved how much like a family her team were. Ryan and Jenny had sent a card, and a cute blue sweater for a gift. Espo had given him a batman annual, which Kate was looking forward to reading out of for bedtime stories.

"It was good. Interesting – Castle turned up in the morning, but Johnny coped fine – we just explained who he was, and let him join in."

"How's the kid taking it, in general?" Espo asked.

"Well. Not calling him Dad yet – but we've progressed from 'that man' to 'Rick'. Johnny loves him – he's a good father, there's no denying it."

They soon had to get back to work before Gates noticed their little meeting, and Kate thought it was interesting that neither of the guys had picked up on how mad she would be at Rick. They would probably take his side. But she saw them having a very intense conversation about something. They had thought he was dead, too. They wouldn't show their emotion, but she had seen on both their faces that it had been a shock.

When lunchtime arrived, she headed over to the morgue. Lanie was waiting for her outside, and they headed to their favourite coffee shop.

"So. He's _not _dead," Lanie said with a grin. "That must be nice for you."

Kate laughed. She really did have a wonderful best friend. "It's just so complicated – I-"

"Have absolutely no idea how you feel? Because you _should _be mad, but he has annoyingly good reasons? And because he loves your son, and your son loves him, and although part of you wanted to grab the kid and leg it as soon as you saw his frustratingly hot little ass, you couldn't help feeling that it would be wrong?"

Kate was still laughing. "You have a fantastic way of putting things. So, what should I do?"

Lanie winked. "Why was he away?"

Kate explained, and her friend gasped in all the right places.

"He's at nursery with Johnny today," she added, giggling.

"Detective Beckett, you are cruel. You've never even braved that?"

Kate grinned. "But he was such an ass this morning. He followed me on my run."

"At least that's flattering, right?"

Kate gave her a look. "No. Why would I want him to look at me that way? He's the idiot who left."

"If you say so. But, Katie, exactly _how _long has it been?"

Kate made a face. "He asked me that too."

"And what did you tell him?"

"I didn't. I asked him back. He hasn't been with anyone since Gina."

"Well. I wonder why that might be," Lanie said, raising her eyebrows. Kate shook her head.

"Are you going to answer me?" Lanie asked her again. Kate sighed.

"No one since him. But I was pregnant. And then I had Johnny."

"If you wanted any, you could have had some. I mean, there was that adorable Demming boy, and then Josh – he was so into you it hurt _me _when you wouldn't even date him."

Kate sighed. She wondered if she had used Johnny as a convenient barrier, so she didn't have to confront how she felt about Rick.

"No. I was only thinking about Johnny. I wasn't even thinking about, you know..."

"You're seriously trying to tell me that you have not been horny for the last four years?" Lanie said incredulously, and a little too loudly for Kate's liking. Kate blushed.

"No," she muttered. "But, you know, I've been busy. And I could always... self service."

Lanie laughed. "Yeah, because that's the same," she said sarcastically. "Who did you think about? You thought about him, didn't you?"

"I can't believe we're having this conversation! And I don't know. Maybe. I didn't mean to."

Lanie laughed. "You ever had a dream about him?"

Kate sighed. "Yes. But that's not my fault."

"Love's not your fault either," her friend said gently. Kate cursed under her breath.

"No. I'm not going down that road with him again. And it's not even as if he wants to go there with me."

"If you say so. But you don't have to deny yourself – it won't hurt Johnny. Especially not with Castle," she laughed.

"But I don't know if I can... I have to forgive him, first. And then I have to get to know him."

"You're right. But don't wait too long."

"What do you mean?"

Lanie tutted. "I don't want to hurt you by saying this – but do you think he would ever have taken up with Gina if you hadn't made it clear you weren't interested, that it had just been a fling, and you hadn't felt anything?"

Kate sighed. "I thought lying would be easier. I was sure he didn't care about me, and I didn't want to put myself through the rejection."

Lanie smiled. "You should think better of yourself. I'm not saying you need to prove anything to him – he has far more proving to do. But... let him know you're open to persuasion?"

Kate couldn't fault her logic. No matter how angry she was with him, she couldn't let him slip through her fingers again. She had all the cards, and he had a lot of amends to make, but she had to make sure she didn't scare him away. Having talked it out, she was finally able to relax and enjoy her lunch, while imagining Rick, deservedly suffering at the nursery.

_**I hope you liked it. I'm all cheered up now, anyway =P. There may well be another chapter very soon - due to an interesting free laundry situation, my friend and I are staying up very late to wash our entire wardrobes, but the laundry only starts being free on Monday, so we can only start the 2 hour cycle after midnight, and I need 3 washes at least, so unless I get 3 machines (as close to impossible as I've ever attempted) I'm gonna be up until 4am (or even 6, if it's really busy)... So, wish me luck! And as always, you're wonderful, please review! Love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	25. Chapter 25

**_The laundry is now done! So basically the evil bosses didn't send the guy to make the machines free until 8am this morning - however, I got up early, and managed to do three washes at once XD and all my clothes are now clean. Thanks for the good luck messages ;-) I'm sure they helped. _**

**_Disclaimer: I wrote some of this in the laundry room, inhaling the washing powder fumes..._**

**Rick sat down on one of the 'parent' chairs at the side of the room, **and watched as the children gradually assembled on the carpet. A motherly looking woman – the headteacher who had been giving him the eye earlier – tried to call them to order, but even though they were all aged under five, this was not an easy task. Johnny stayed out of the way of most of the screaming children, preferring to sit by himself. He didn't seem sad, though. He was watching the others with mild interest, as though they were animals in a zoo exhibit.

Rick laughed. Budding psychopath? But it was something he had done as a child, too. Okay, maybe he should be a little worried.

The teacher, whose name he had discovered was Miss Smith, finally called the children to order, and began listing the activities of the day. Johnny yawned. Rick sympathised. The other parents in attendance were worn down looking mothers, some with babies on their laps, some closing their eyes to try and get a few moments rest before they had to be responsible again.

The other teachers set out the activities they were in charge of, and asked for parent volunteers. Rick looked at the mothers. None of them seemed keen, although one made her way resignedly to the art table, clearly seeing this as the lesser of many evils. Johnny caught Rick's eye, and looked at the group gathering for reading. Rick looked at the teacher. She was almost as bad as the mothers. Deciding that if he could face gangs in Ethiopia, he shouldn't be scared of a bunch of four year olds, he went over, smiling his best smile, and offered to help. She looked fascinated, and completely relieved.

She soon gave in and let Rick read, contented to sit in her seat and doze. Rick smiled. This wasn't so bad. He took the book she gave him, and began to read aloud. It was some kids thing about a magician who kept saying the wrong words – and it was dead boring. He looked around, making sure none of the teachers were listening, and began to elaborate on what was written. He was a fantastic storyteller, and soon he had transported the children into a world of magic and sorcerers; pirates and kings; highwaymen and monsters. Johnny was enthralled, and soon other children began to join the group. Rick felt like the pied piper – he had a feeling that as long as he kept talking, these children wouldn't leave his side.

He was actually having a fairly good time, and when the hour-long session was up, he congratulated himself on doing so well, when Kate had clearly intended today to be a punishment. Miss Smith rang a little bell, and the children all had to do something else. Johnny wanted to play with the train set, even if the train was electric, but she wouldn't let him. She said he had to do something with the other children. Johnny sighed, and Rick, watching from a distance, knew exactly how he felt. Johnny was put in a group of children doing 'team building and active learning' – it looked as though they were going outside to play football. Johnny did not like the idea of this – he didn't make a fuss, but as Rick sat down to read to another group of clamouring children (who were far louder than the first) he realised today wasn't going to be as easy as he'd imagined, mainly because all he wanted to do was rescue his son from anything he didn't like.

Johnny wandered outside, watching the other children warily. They were a mixture of boys and girls, most of them bigger than him. Some of them were starting school this September – he still had another year to go, even though he felt older than they were. He could read, and already write his name – some of them didn't even talk properly. He was put in a team with some other boys, and they began to play. No one was very good, and Johnny tried to keep as far from the ball as possible. It wasn't that he didn't want to join in, exactly – he just didn't like the idea of the scuffle that was around the ball. And although he loved kicking a ball around with his Mom at the park, this really wasn't the same. You had to get the ball into the other team's goal.

The teacher called to him to join in. It was a friendly call, but it was still an order. He hunched his shoulders, and looked for the ball. It wasn't too far away, and he knew which way to kick it. He ran to it, and looked for a gap in children to kick it through. In the second it took him to decide that trying to score a goal was pointless, a swarm of children trampled over him, and the ball disappeared. Most of them had been on his team. He lay there on the cold, hard ground, wandering what story Rick was telling inside, and what his Mom was doing at work. He liked the precinct – there were lots of interesting things to look at, and people to talk to. He especially liked the one way mirror – he could stand on one side and watch his Mom interrogate someone, and they wouldn't know he was there.

The teacher had rushed over as soon as she noticed he had fallen, and she began fussing over him. She probably knew it was her fault. She stood him on his feet. Johnny rubbed his knee. His head felt funny, and something was trickling down the side of it. The teacher was speaking, but she sounded far away. He tried to concentrate.

"Johnny? Your Dad's here, isn't he?"

Johnny nodded. "Rick. Rick's here."

"Maybe he should take you home..."

Johnny didn't cry. He wanted to, but he wanted to be brave like his Mom. He let the teacher walk him inside, and she wiped his head with something, and put a band aid on it. Johnny shivered. Rick hurried over, and asked him if he was okay. Johnny nodded, and Rick held his hand and took him outside. They were going to get a taxi.

Johnny waited until they had left the nursery before he spoke.

"I want... I mean, can we please go and see Mommy?"

Rick looked at the little boy. He was shaking, and dead white. He picked him up instinctively, and held him tight. He was so angry with himself – his first time with Johnny when Kate wasn't there, and he had messed up. He knew it wasn't his fault – it would have happened anyway, even if he hadn't been there – but he still felt to blame. He should have prevented it somehow, he should have protected his son.

He waved a taxi, and settled Johnny on his lap. He was surprised the boy wasn't crying – Alexis would definitely have cried at that age. He guessed it was a Kate thing – Kate never broke down in front of anyone, and Johnny didn't want to either. By the time they got to the precinct, it was past lunch time. Rick asked Johnny if he wanted to eat or drink anything, but Johnny just shook his head. He was concentrating very hard on waiting for his Mom – Rick was saddened by the thought, but he suspected it wouldn't have mattered who was holding him. He knew things with Johnny would take time, but he very much wanted to be a father, and things had been going so well. He was worried that Johnny would feel betrayed, too, because Rick had been there, but hadn't intervened when they made him play football.

Rick carried Johnny into the elevator, and up to Kate's level. She was sitting at her desk with her back to him when he walked in. As soon as he saw her, Johnny bit his lip, and had to try even harder not to cry. Kate turned, noticed them, and knocked her chair over in her hurry to reach her son. She took him from Rick, and cradled him in her arms, inspecting his head, speaking to him gently. She took him to the break room, and sat him on her lap. He just hugged her tightly, still not crying.

"What happened, sweetie?" she said gently, hiding the panic from her voice.

"I was playing football.. got knocked over," he said quietly.

"_You _were playing football?" she asked, not believing he would ever choose to do that.

"Had to..." he replied quietly.

She decided now wasn't the best time to quiz him about the exact circumstances.

"What hurts?" she asked him.

"My knee, and my head."

She hated how quiet his voice was. She looked at his knee. It was grazed, but okay. She kissed it, and then she looked at his head. It was bruised, and they had slapped a plaster over a little cut. Whoever had done it had managed to stick it in the wrong place, so it would be torture to take off. Kate would have to soak it with warm water, and it would not be pleasant. She liked Johnny's nursery – it was a friendly place, and Johnny didn't mind it too much – but they did let some idiots work there. She kissed his head too, and then his nose. He smiled weakly, but at least it was a smile.

"Do you want to go home with Rick?" she asked.

"No," he said firmly. "I want to stay with you," he added more gently. She sighed. She didn't blame him for being a bit wary. She hugged him again.

"Do you want me to take you home?" she asked, already planning her explanation to Gates. She could take something called carer's leave, if Gates agreed. But Johnny shook his head.

"If it would be okay, I could stay here... I'd be very good."

Kate wondered if she gave in to him too easily – but he was usually so undemanding that she decided she didn't. Today was a special case, anyway. She nodded, and he grinned. She hoisted him onto her hip, and carried him through to the bull pen. She wouldn't have to argue with Gates – the first time she had asked if Johnny could stay, she had been told very firmly that this was a precinct, not a creche- and then Gates had met Johnny, and her heart had melted. The two got on like a house on fire. Kate had been astonished, but very happy. Johnny had even helped her relationship with Gates.

She put Johnny in the chair by her desk, and handed him one of her elephant statuettes. Then she went to talk to Rick. She realised he must be feeling pretty awful – and she would let him off the hook.

As soon as he saw her approach, he backed away from Ryan and Esposito, still looking stunned.

"They told me about..." he said, his head still reeling. He forced himself to the matter at hand. "Listen, Beckett, I am so so sorry. I didn't-"

"Not your fault. Kids get hurt like that all the time. He's going to be fine."

Rick looked utterly relieved for a few moments, until he went back to thinking about Montgomery. He had found out some other things, too. He stared at Kate, but she held up her hand.

"Later," she said gently, and he nodded. He said goodbye to the boys, and left. Kate went back to Johnny, who had been watching their exchange.

"Why was Rick sad?" he asked.

Kate bit her lip. "Do you remember Roy?" Johnny shook his head.

"You knew him when you were very little – he died when you were two and a half."

"Oh," Johnny said, thinking hard. "Maybe I remember. Did he have a hat?"

Kate smiled, remembering Johnny's laughter as Roy had put the hat on his head.

"Yes, that's him. Well, Rick knew Roy, too, but Rick didn't know that anything had happened to him."

Johnny seemed to understand. "When Roy died, you were sick, weren't you?"

Kate shuddered at the memory, of the funeral, and of the bullet – but the thought of her son had pulled her through.

"Yes, I was. You came to see me in the hospital," she said. Johnny nodded.

"You had lots of flowers, and I sat on your bed and we read comic books."

"That's right. And you stayed with Grams."

Johnny nodded. For him, the memory was already fading. Kate was glad. It would become more distant for him every day. For her, it would always feel like yesterday – but she could cope with that. She kept it in its box, and her days had been so full of happiness with Johnny that she had hardly had time to feel much pain. She had been to counselling, and it had helped – but the main thing had had made her soften was the little boy sitting beside her desk. She winked at him, and opened a file that she had to read. Johnny winked back, and the elephant walked across her desk to begin nibbling at her fingers.

_**Thanks for reading, you're awesome, please review! Loads of love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	26. Chapter 26

**Kate left work early that day. **As well behaved as Johnny was being, she wasn't making much progress – she found it more interesting to talk to him, and he always had interesting questions. Gates, as she did with anything to do with Johnny, agreed immediately to Kate going home early. Johnny was sad not to have seen the interview room – but Kate knew he really wanted to go home.

He said his head was feeling better, and he was hungry, which was always a good sign. He wanted the radio on – not music, but the police radio. He liked pretending he was her partner, even though he had no idea what the codes meant. He pointed at the switches for the sirens and lights, knowing better than to flick them, but wishing he could.

"Mommy, please..." he said, knowing the answer before he asked.

"Sorry, Johnny, but you know I can't let you. It's against the law. But I tell you what." His face lit up. "When we're in the underground garage, you can turn on the lights. _If _there's no one there. And no sirens."

Johnny grinned. "_Cool_. But one day, you're going to get a call, and I'm going to be in the car."

Kate shook her head. "You shouldn't sound so excited. When I get a call, it's because something bad has happened."

Johnny sighed. "I know. But if it happened, would you let me turn the sirens on?"

Kate laughed. "Probably. Do you know which button it is?"

"Duh. That one." He pointed to the correct switch.

"How do you know?"

Johnny smiled. "Because I've seen you do it, once. And it has a picture on it."

"You pick up on things fast," she said. Johnny didn't answer – he was watching her drive. She looked back at him – they were stopped at a red light. Suddenly he looked up.

"Green for go, Mommy!" he shouted, seeing the lights changing. Kate winked, and took her foot off the brake. Johnny was watching her feet now.

"What're you looking at?" she asked him.

"I want to learn how to drive," he said, keeping his eyes on her legs. "You use the same foot for two pedals. One to stop and one to go."

"You're right. The go one's the brake, and the other one's for gas."

"What's the third one?"

"It's called the clutch. You use it when you want to change gear."

"What's that?"

Kate wondered how to explain it without just making it more complicated. "You see the shifter, or you can call it gear stick?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, you use that when you want to go faster – you use the higher gears for faster speeds. We need em because the engine can't just go faster and faster – gears are spiky wheels that lock into each other, and that way they can turn. The shifter's connected to a long bar which goes into the transmission box, and when you move the shifter, it pushes the stuff in there around... Know what? You want to take a look? I can show you," she said, looking at his baffled expression.

Johnny frowned as he tried to absorb everything she had just told him.

"Yes. And can we look at Harley, too?"

Kate laughed at the mention of her bike. "If you want."

"I want to drive Harley..." he said dreamily.

"If you're very, very good, one day, I'll get you a helmet, and you can ride with me."

Johnny grinned from ear to ear. Then he laughed. "Maybe I should just have a helmet all the time."

Kate laughed too. "Maybe you just shouldn't play football."

Johnny stuck his tongue out at her.

"Put that away," she said, mock-sternly.

"I _hate _football," Johnny said. Kate laughed.

"So does your Dad. _And _he's rubbish."

"I like football with you."

"You're good. Maybe you'll get to like it more."

"No. I like reading – I mean, looking at the pictures in books."

"I think you should admit that you can read. Everyone knows."

Johnny looked crestfallen. "Really?"

"Yes. I am a detective. Did you think I wouldn't realise?"

"I hoped you wouldn't. Now you won't read to me any more..."

Kate reached out and patted him on the knee. "I quite like reading to you. So, if you don't mind-"

"Really?" He smiled at her. "Okay."

She laughed. "We're back," she said, pulling into the underground garage. Johnny undid his belt as soon as she stopped, and scooted onto her lap. His finger hovered over the button.

"Go for it," she whispered in his ear. He pushed it, and the bright blue and red lights flashed through the dark basement. Johnny grinned.

"So cool," he breathed.

"Well, officer CB, want to go in and get dinner?"

"Yes, Detective Beckett, I would."

He turned off the lights, and Kate took out her keys. She expertly opened the door, got herself and Johnny through it, and picked up her bag, in one fluid movement. She swung the bag over her shoulder, and lifted Johnny up, holding on her hip.

"You're getting a bit big for this," she said.

"I'm only just four," he said, holding her tight. She laughed, and went to call the elevator. They got in, and rode up to her floor. Johnny counted aloud as the numbers appeared on the little screen. Kate listened, and thought about how clever he was. Alexis was exceptionally clever, and she and Rick had both always done well in school – but Johnny was more than gifted. He was _always _thinking, and he only needed to hear something once to remember it.

She let herself into the loft, and realised she just thought of it as her place now. She set Johnny down, and went through to leave her bag in her room. _Her _room, not Rick's. It would always be her room now. She had no idea what she expected to happen now. Would she and Rick just be room mates, Rick living in the guest bedroom of the apartment he'd bought, while she had the master? She had a feeling something was going to change. And if Lanie had her way, that something would be Kate and Rick sharing that lovely big bedroom.

She put the thought out of her mind. She was allowed to be attracted to him. He was very attractive. So gorgeous, with his abs, and strong arms, his beautiful ass, his hands – she still remembered how it felt when he touched her... What had she been thinking about? Right. She could be attracted to him without _acting _on it. She was a woman, and he was a man; they had a history, and a child – of course there would always be a connection.

But she was mad at him. She had to be. She couldn't just forgive him. Could she? She didn't want to be weak. But when she looked into his hypnotic blue eyes, as she was doing now, all she could think about was how they had locked with hers before, when his arms had been around her, and-

She felt as though every cell in her body was screaming. Screaming for him.

"Hey, Beckett, you're back early. I didn't know... I'm making dinner, it'll be ready in half an hour."

She tried to de-glaze her eyes, and nodded.

"Rick, why do you call Mommy 'Beckett'? Her _name _is Kate."

"It's a nickname," Rick said absently – maybe Kate's mood was contagious. Right now, he was appreciating just how well her sweater fit her. It hugged her flawless body, her smooth curves... He snapped out of it.

"And why does she call you Castle?" Johnny was saying.

"They're our last names."

"They're both my last name. And that's why I'm officer CB. I'm Mommy's partner," he said happily. Rick remembered when he had been Kate's partner. He thought about everything he hadn't known – Montgomery, and Ryan had let slip something about her being shot! Like him...

Johnny was ready to crash straight after dinner, and after the washing up was done, Kate flopped on the couch beside Rick. Martha was out with another of her conquests, and wouldn't be back until morning. She didn't notice how like a family they'd been until she realised her thigh was touching Rick's, and she had felt totally comfortable. She jumped up.

"I'll just go say goodnight. Then we can talk, I guess," she said awkwardly. Rick nodded.

"Sounds good. I'll be right here," Rick added pointlessly. He felt just as awkward as she did.

_**Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it, please review. This chapter was going to be Rick catching up on everything, but I got caught up in cars... So it will be the next one. And no, Hannah, they will not hop into bed afterwards. Probably. They're mature now...**_

_**Hugs and loveballs - stay awesome! Z xxx**_


	27. Chapter 27

**Kate left Johnny's room, **and went back to the living room to find Rick opening a bottle of wine.

"Good idea," she said with a cautious smile. He poured her a full glass, and she sat down beside him.

"So. Ryan and Esposito told me about..."

"Everything?"

"I guess. You want to... I don't know, tell me more. I was so absorbed in hearing about Johnny – I'm sorry. I should have asked."

Kate shook her head. "Castle, you've been back for three days. Don't worry about it. And... Yeah. There has been a lot. But... You remember I told you about... About my Mom?"

Rick nodded. He would never forget. The look on her face, as she tried not to burst into tears right there in the car.

"Well, I got the guy. In the end. It took so many attempts, and so many people died. I think the only thing that got me through it all was the thought of Johnny, and keeping him safe. If it hadn't been for him... well, I might well not be here."

Rick shuddered at the thought. "And Montgomery..?"

"He was involved. In something. But he was a good cop, until the end. He never meant to be in on it, he was just a kid when it happened... There was a group of corrupt cops, but it was all being run from much higher."

"From where?"

"Senator Bracken?"

"What? I know him, I mean, of him. Doesn't he want to become President?"

Kate nodded. "But he's still... I mean-" Rick said.

Kate bit her lip. "I know it was him. And he knows I know. Which is keeping me safe. But I don't have anything concrete on him, I don't have anything he couldn't slip out of. And he has connections – even if I did take him down, and by some miracle I succeeded, Johnny and I would never be safe again."

Rick nodded. He understood. "And... they said you were shot?"

Kate felt her body go numb as she remembered.

_She had carried the casket. Alexis was at the loft with Johnny. She barely heard what people were saying about the captain she had so much admired and respected until it was her turn to speak. She went up to the podium, and began her speech. Staring into the distance, trying not to cry, she caught a glimpse of something, a flash of light. _

_And then the bullet slid into her chest like a needle into butter. She hardly felt it – the pain was so intense, she was almost unconscious. The world flickered, and she knew she was leaving it. _

"_I love you," she whispered, thinking of her son. "Both of you," she added. Her deepest, darkest secret – she had been sure she was dying, and she had thought of Rick._

_She tried to remember what it felt like to hold her son. Everything was drifting away. She could hear someone calling her, but it sounded so faint. And then the pain was all too real, and she could feel her blood pouring out of her, and she wished she would die so she didn't have to bear the pain any longer. _

_She wanted to scream, but her lungs wouldn't take in air, and then there was a mask over her face. She saw lights, and heard panicked voices, but all from very far away – most of her mind was taken up with the fact that her chest was being ripped apart and set on fire at the same time. She felt her body convulse, and she was vaguely aware of her hands becoming very cold._

_The pain grew and grew, and the seconds before she passed out felt like an eternity, but she didn't want to rush them; she knew they might be her last. Her life didn't flash before her eyes, nothing romantic like that. All she saw was Johnny. And Rick. And then nothing._

She told Rick everything, apart from thinking about him. She just said she had thought about Johnny. He just stared at her.

"I can't believe you could have..." he said finally. She nodded.

"But I didn't."

Rick lifted her sweater. She would have shied away, but she knew it wasn't sexual. Well, it wasn't _primarily _sexual. He looked at her scar, and touched it gently.

"It's just like mine," he said. She was the one lifting his shirt now, and she looked at the little round disc of shinier skin. On impulse, she kissed it. Then she blushed bright red.

"I'm sorry. I... I'm just gad you're okay," she said, straightening out her top, and moving back to sit at an 'appropriate' distance from him. She gulped down some wine, and wondered what to say next.

Rick, to her surprise, didn't make a big deal out of it. "I'm glad you're okay too."

He knew she was attracted to him. He also knew she was angry, and had a right to be. He didn't want to push her – he was not going to use her again. He would wait until she was ready – even if it took another four years. Because all that time away from her had proved to him that she would be worth it – he had thought about her every day. He sipped his wine, and looked at her. Even looking at her... He was home. She was his home. If she hadn't been there, he wouldn't have stayed. He would have tried, for Alexis, but he could tell that she was breaking away now. Soon she would have her own life, and if he hadn't found Kate, sleeping in his bed, he would have left. He wished he could tell her, but it was so hard to explain.

He _didn't _love her. It was so much deeper – when someone says 'I love you' these days, it can be sexual, it can be about lust, or even about a wonderful relationship. But not like this. The only was Rick could think to put it was that Kate was his home.

"Do you want me to look after Johnny tomorrow?" he asked.

Kate looked surprised. Then she shook her head. "He'll be at nursery."

It was Rick's turn to be surprised. "After what happened today?"

Kate smiled. "He has a little bump on his head. He's fine, he doesn't have concussion... I know what you mean, that it would be nice to wrap him up in cotton wool and keep him all to yourself. But in just over a year he'll have to go to school every day. He knows he has to go, and he'll be fine."

Rick made a face. "I don't think he likes it much there..."

Kate sighed. "I know he doesn't. That's why he's not full time. But he's going to have to go to school. And it's not so bad – I mean, there are worse places."

Rick knew what she meant. At least there were things for them to do, and Miss Smith seemed fine.

"You could... You could send him somewhere private."

Kate had seen this coming. She was a strong believer in state funded education – and her salary just couldn't support school fees. But he was Rick's son too. And though it made her angry, he would get a much better education if she let Rick pay for it.

"Yeah. I mean, _I _couldn't. I can't afford it. But he's your son too, so you get a say."

Rick smiled. "Of course, I would pay for it. I might have to look for a publisher for Heat Wave, though."

Kate sighed. "Now that's a blast from the past. I hope you do – I hope all that time you followed me around wasn't for nothing."

Rick laughed. "I enjoyed every minute of it."

"_You _did."

"Oh come on. You had fun."

"Fine. Yes, I did."

"I actually have a school in mind," he said, reverting to their previous topic.

"Oh yes?" she asked.

"I was looking some up this afternoon. I made a call – just an enquiry, don't get mad. We could visit, if you like. It has a nursery. By the way, why couldn't you afford it? I mean, I know I said the money was for you, too, but-"

"Rick, I tore up the cheque the day you left."

"Did you keep the letter, for Johnny?"

Kate bit her lip. "It's in the drawer of my night stand. I mean, your night stand."

Rick laughed. "It's yours, Kate. Your room, your night stand... But on the basis of history, I still like to think of it as our bed," he added with a twinkle in his eye. She elbowed him in the ribs.

"Okay," she said.

"Okay, what?"

"Okay, set up a visit to the school. But if it's good, isn't there a waiting list?"

"I know the headmaster's wife."

"Doesn't that mean he hates you?"

"Very funny. She's a fan. Of my _writing. _I met her at a benefit, years ago, and I went to dinner with her and her husband. Obviously, I haven't spoken to them in four years, but an advanced copy of Heat Wave should do the trick."

"You and jumping queues. Do you ever wait for anything?"

_I'm going to wait for you. _"Rarely. So when would suit you, for the visit?"

"Any time – it has to be when I'd be working anyway, but the new captain has a soft spot for Johnny, so she'll let me go, I think."

"Right. I'll set it up, then."

"Thanks, Castle. I mean, it's great that... that you're thinking about him."

"What did you expect?"

Kate laughed. She refilled her wine glass. "Nothing. I thought you were _dead_. What was I supposed to expect?"

Rick frowned as he saw the pain in her eyes. Yet more pain that he had caused.

"I know I'm going to have to prove it – but you can rely on me, Beckett. You and Johnny."

She managed to smile. "I'll try to remember."

He tipped the rest of the wine bottle into his glass. "Do you think he'll start calling me Dad?"

Kate looked at him sympathetically. "Yes. I don't know when, though. He's not shy, and he likes you... but he has a strange concept of the whole father thing. 'Dad' for him is a guy in a story I used to tell him before he went to sleep."

Rick smiled. "The thing with the stars he said when I saw him?"

"Yeah, that. Silly, I know, but we needed something."

"I don't think it's silly. Will you tell me it?"

Kate laughed. Blushing, she repeated the story. Rick grinned.

"I come off far better than I expected."

"Well I wasn't going to tell him you were a monster. And I know you have your moments, but I did, I do, like you, Castle. I like you a lot."

He grinned. "I'm touched. I like _you _a lot too."

Somehow he managed to say it so he was referring to her body. She groaned.

"Whenever I think you're being nice..." she muttered, but she was joking.

"I _am _being nice. You like it. I can see it."

Kate threw back the rest of the wine. "Well you can go fantasise about me in bed – because that is where I'm going." She stood up, but the wine had gone to her head, and she almost fell back down again. Rick jumped up and caught her. She swayed a little, before she realised where she was.

His hands were on her waist, and her back was resting against him. Her head was tipped back on his shoulder; she could feel his warm, alcohol tinged breath on her face and neck. She steadied herself, and picked her head up, but she still felt dizzy, and she didn't take his hands away. She could feel his breathing get heavier. She had to go. She gently took his hands away, and smiled.

"Thanks. And, goodnight, Castle."

He smiled back – he had known that nothing was going to happen. "Goodnight, Beckett."

_**Sorry, no kiss. Or bed. But there's always next time ;-). I hope you liked it, thanks for reading, and please review. You are all just fantastic, and I really appreciate all the lovely comments I've been getting! Loads of love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	28. Chapter 28

_**Disclaimer: I don't usually do one. But I saw one somewhere else that said 'I don't own anything' and this is true for me as well. By anything, I don't mean anything Castle related. I mean ANYTHING. I am flat broke, a student, and the only thing I owned today was bread, but I just ate it. **_

_**You may have figured this out already – I stayed up all night so I could do laundry for free...**_

Kate fiddled with the papers on her desk. Rick had just called, saying he had set up a visit to the new school for the next morning, if that was okay. Now she just had to check it with Gates. Which would be fine. She hadn't told Johnny yet – but she was going to take him swimming after nursery, and she would tell him then.

Gates was, as usual, happy to let her off work to do anything Johnny related. She clicked on the link to the website Castle had emailed her. It did look fantastic – it cost a fortune, but that money did seem to be spent on the kids. It was on its own lot, but beside the elementary school which it was really part of. It had classrooms for different ages, computers, a whole library, very qualified teachers – and had full use of the school facilities, which included a music studio and a swimming pool. She looked at the examples of classes. They had frequent field trips, especially to the nearby transport museum.

She was sold on it at that – she knew Johnny would be. He loved museums, and most of all, he loved trains.

She scrolled down the page. There was even an advanced class for gifted children, where they could learn reading and writing – only if they wanted to, but it seemed popular. The marks from the school averaged over 70%. Kate sighed. She didn't like money being the determining factor in whether a child got a good education. But St. Andrew's school looked perfect for Johnny – and she was his mother, so she was allowed to think about him first. She had the choice to give him this chance – she was almost certain he would be going there.

She couldn't wait to tell him, now. She found herself glancing at the clock every few minutes – she knew Johnny's mind would be on the time, too. She was taking him swimming after nursery.

Johnny stayed at nursery until five, usually. But children started leaving at three. It was three-thirty. Kate scanned through her papers, and made a snap decision. She didn't know why she was breaking the routine – but she guessed it had something of the king of spontaneity being back in her life.

Gates let her go, on the promise that she would make up the time, or take it as leave. She smiled at the thought of Johnny's face when she surprised him. And then she had an idea. She pulled over, and called Rick. He answered on the first ring.

"Beckett?"

"Castle. Get your speedos. We're taking Johnny swimming."

"We?" he said, hardly believing her.

"Yes, we. Are you at the loft?"

"Uh, yeah-"

"Great. I'll be there in ten."

"Okay. Wait!"

"What?"

"Thanks."

"For what?"

"For thinking of me. For asking."

"Always, Castle," she replied dryly. She hung up, and drove as fast as she legally could, thinking about transmission boxes. Rick was waiting on the street, and she leaned over to open the passenger door. He smiled. She had put Johnny's booster in the back when she pulled over. She realised she might have been disappointed if he hadn't looked down her top.

She drove to the nursery, and Rick didn't say much. He was thinking – and he now had another reason to love her. She had thought of him. She hadn't kept Johnny separate, and even though it would be her Johnny wanted to see, she had made him come anyway. She was in this, whatever this was.

When Johnny saw Kate, he ran up to her with a huge smile.

"You're early," he said. Rick didn't think this could have happened many times before.

"Your Dad and I have some news for you. And then we're going swimming."

Johnny grinned even more widely. He grabbed his jacket.

"Do you have anything else?" Kate asked. "Anything that you usually leave here?"

"No," he said, curious about why she was asking. "Won't I be back tomorrow?" he asked as they walked back to the car. Kate unlocked it and lifted him into his seat.

"We're doing something special tomorrow. We're going to visit another school."

"So I might not be back _ever_?" he said happily.

"Maybe, and remember it's just _maybe_, but maybe not."

"Really?!" he asked gleefully.

Kate nodded. "It was your Dad's idea. He found another school – so tomorrow, we're going to have a look around, and see if you like it."

Johnny smiled. "Is it nice? Do _you _like it?"

"Your Dad does." Kate felt a bit strange saying 'your Dad' instead of 'Rick', but she thought it would help Johnny get used to him, and she understood that Rick was anxious to be thought of as a father. "I've never been there before."

"And now we're going swimming?"

"Yeah."

"And, Rick's coming?"

Kate sighed inwardly. This was going to take time. "Yes, your Dad's coming too."

"Cool," was Johnny's verdict. Kate looked at Rick, and he was smiling. He looked around at Johnny while Kate walked around to her seat. Kate concentrated on driving, but every time she snuck a glance at the pair, they were laughing, and making silly faces at each other.

They reached the pool, and Rick paid. Kate wanted to say something, but he hushed her with a look. They went to get changed. Kate took Johnny into a family cubicle. Rick found one of his own.

"Why isn't Rick changing with us? He's in the family," Johnny said.

Kate searched for a 4-year-old friendly way to say 'because we can't get naked in front of each other. Even though we've seen it all before.'

"Well, when you get to be grown up, you need privacy – people don't like to change in front of other people."

"But you get changed with me..."

"You're little, so I shouldn't leave you on your own. And I'm your Mom, so it's different."

"When I go swimming with Alexis, she changes me, then herself somewhere else."

"Right. That's the same idea. She wants privacy."

"Okay. But you don't..."

"When you get bigger, you'll get changed by yourself. But it just wasn't practical, when you were very small, and it's different with parents, anyway."

"Rick's my parent."

"Yes, he's your Dad. Shall we get changed now?"

"Yes," he said, beginning to undress. "But, if Rick's my Dad, and your my Mom... Is it like the story, you don't love each other any more, so you won't get changed together?"

Kate was sure Johnny was too young for this. But she wasn't going to lie to him. "Yeah, kind of. I mean, it's more complicated than just getting changed together."

"I know. But you do live together. Sam's parents, at nursery, are _divorced_. Are you and Rick divorced?"

"No. We were never married. Being divorced just means you were married, and then you broke it off."

Johnny looked thoughtful. Kate handed him his swimming shorts. "Sam's parents don't live together. Once, they both came to pick him up, and they were shouting and fighting. I didn't think you were divorced, because when Rick wasn't here, you still said nice things about him."

"Fighting's never right," she said gently.

"I know. Divorced people don't live together. But you and Rick live together now."

"We do, you're right. But that's because Grams is Rick's Mom, and Alexis is his daughter, and the loft was his house long before it was ours."

"Do you like living with Rick?"

Kate smiled. "Yes, do you?"

"Yeah. He's funny. And he makes good food."

Kate laughed.

"He tells stories, too. They're great. But yours are better."

"I doubt it. Rick tells stories for a living – he's a writer."

"But he was in Africa, saving people, wasn't he?"

"Yes. But before he went to Africa. When you're a bit older, you can read his books."

"Have you read them?"

"Yes. They're very good."

They were both changed now. Kate glanced in the mirror. She had a black swimsuit, with straps that crossed over at the back, and sort of turned into the chest part. There was a gold ring in the middle, which the material looped around. She'd had it for years, and wore it because Johnny liked the ring. Johnny tugged at her hand, and they went outside. Rick met them at the lockers, disguising the fact that he had been in the adjoining cubicle, and had heard their whole conversation. Kate tried not to drool when she looked at him. He did likewise, especially when she bent down to put their stuff in a locker.

They got into the kids pool – it was warmer, and almost empty. Johnny set off straight away to collect some of the toys that were floating around the pool. He was already a good swimmer – he didn't use arm bands as Rick had been expecting.

"He's good," he told Kate.

"I know," she said. "But just you wait – I am _sure _he will have thought of a game in which our extreme participation will be required."

Rick laughed. They slid into the pool side by side, and Johnny swam over. He had a ball.

"We're going to play... catch."

"Catch?" Rick asked, looking at Kate. "That sounds fun."

"It's not _ordinary _catch. We start here. Then I throw the ball, and you and Mommy race for it. Whoever brings it back to me first wins."

Rick laughed. "That's very competitive."

Johnny looked at Kate. "I think you'll win, Mommy." He turned to Rick. "She's very fast. And she can swim really far underwater. And dive."

"You're showing me off like you want to sell me to him," she said, laughing.

"No!" Johnny said. "You won't take her, right?" he said to Rick.

Rick smiled. "I will never take her away from you."

Johnny's worried expression disappeared. He lifted the ball above his head.

"Ready? Go!"

Kate did get the ball first – she and Rick weren't really sure how much to go for it, but decided being fast would be funnier. Kate handed Johnny the ball.

"Johnny, I have a question," Rick said.

"Yes?"

"You said whoever brings the ball to you first wins. So even if I don't get to it first, if I take it from your Mom, and give it to you, do I win?"

Johnny seemed to love this idea. "Yes. You do," he said, laughing.

"Well," Kate said. "This just got a bit more interesting."

"Indeed it did. And I need the next point – my dignity is at stake."

They were both laughing. Johnny threw the ball, and Kate raced for it, knowing speed was her advantage. She got to it first, but saw Rick was ready to get in her way. He stayed between her and Johnny – and suddenly attacked, going for the ball. She hugged it to her chest, staying still. He splashed her.

"Cheating!" she said.

"Johnny, is splashing cheating?" Rick called.

"No," Johnny shouted back happily.

"That's loyalty for you," Kate muttered.

"You're not winning this time," Rick said, moving closer. "You should just give up now."

She tried to dart out of his way, but he wrapped his arms around her, locking her to him.

"Smart. You still don't have the ball," she said.

"Oh, but I have a plan," he whispered in her ear. He ran his fingers up her side, and began to tickle her. She squealed, and let go of the ball. He grabbed it, and raced away. She caught up as he handed the ball to a delighted Johnny.

"Well done," she said, laughing.

"How did you win?" Johnny asked Rick.

"I tickled her."

Johnny laughed. "She's more ticklish than I am."

Kate grinned. "You want to do some swimming, Johnny?"

"Okay. You go over there. I'll swim from Rick to you. I'll take messages."

Rick looked confused. "Alexis and I do this. You tell him something, he tells me – it can be a question, that I have to answer."

Rick nodded. A lot of games, competitions, and splashing later, they finally left the pool. Dry and dressed, Kate suggested they get a hot chocolate from the café. It was almost six by the time they left. They were visiting the school at ten the next morning, and Kate could tell Johnny was tired. She had let him have a sandwich with his hot chocolate, so he wouldn't need to eat when they got home. His bed time was seven-thirty, but he was happy to get into his pyjamas as soon as they got back. He settled on the sofa with his new batman annual, and asked Kate to come and read it. She sat down, and he climbed onto her lap. Rick was in the kitchen, but Kate knew he was listening. She tried to forget about it – she was still going to do the voices as she read aloud.

Two stories later, Johnny was almost asleep on her lap. He protested weakly when she said it was bedtime, but he didn't mind at all when she carried him and tucked him in. She kissed his forehead, and said Goodnight. Rick appeared in the doorway.

"Goodnight, Johnny," he said quietly.

"Night, Rick," Johnny yawned. They left the room, and Kate patted Rick on the arm.

"It'll just take time. He'll get used to it. He's already used to you."

Rick smiled. "I know. And I deserve it – why should he know me, or want to?"

"Don't be silly, of course he wants to know you. He thinks you're great. I looked up the school, by the way."

"You're sold on it already, aren't you?"

Kate nodded.

"What did it? The transport museum?"

Kate laughed. "How did you know?"

"I'm very observant. It's obvious he loves trains, and he was saying something about gearboxes..."

Kate laughed. "I'm afraid of when he's big enough to ride the Harley with me. I've said I'll let him, but-"

"If you want some practice riding with a passenger, I'd be happy to help."

She laughed. "You never stop, do you?"

"Never. You being ticklish wasn't a lucky guess, by the way. I remembered."

Kate remembered, too. "That was an interesting night."

"I haven't had an interesting night in so long..." Rick said, making puppy dog eyes at her.

"If you in your swim shorts didn't work, that's got no chance," she said. He sighed theatrically.

"You hungry?" he asked.

"Pizza and a movie?"

"Sounds perfect."

"Glad you think so."

"I'll order, you pick a movie."

* * *

"I do not lose my turn! We're not even together!"

"Oh come on. Valentine's Day? Seriously? And I thought you had such good taste."

"You get to pick next time, anyway."

"No, I get to pick the next _three _times. Beckett, it was _awful_."

"I thought it was sweet."

"I'll ask Espo and Ryan, if I must, but they'll back me up."

Kate sighed. "Fine. But you have to pick good things. And I'm only giving in because I'm tired and I want to go to bed."

Rick laughed. "That was easy. Tell you what. You can win back not only your turn, but my next one as well, if you kiss me."

"What?!"

"I think it's a fair deal. I had to sit through Valentine's Day. All I'm asking is a minute of excitement in my evening."

Kate laughed. "You're crazy." She took a step towards him.

"I'll make you watch documentaries," he whispered seductively. She moved in closer.

"That's just blackmail," she breathed in his ear. She could almost hear his heart rate quicken, and laughed to herself inside. This was going to be fun.

_**Thanks for reading, please review! Mwahahaha... Love you lots, Z xxx**_


	29. Chapter 29

_Rick laughed. "That was easy. Tell you what. You can win back not only your turn, but my next one as well, if you kiss me."_

"_What?!"_

"_I think it's a fair deal. I had to sit through Valentine's Day. All I'm asking is a minute of excitement in my evening."_

_Kate laughed. "You're crazy." She took a step towards him._

"_I'll make you watch documentaries," he whispered seductively. She moved in closer._

"_That's just blackmail," she breathed in his ear. She could almost hear his heart rate quicken, and laughed to herself inside. This was going to be fun._

She moved her mouth up to his, keeping her eyes open as she felt his bore into hers. And then she stepped back, doubling over laughing; he was still frozen in front of her.

"You are such an easy mark!" she choked out.

He sulked. "And you're _mean_."

She grinned. "As I said. If I can resist you just in your shorts, you have no hope in a situation like this. I'm going to bed."

She walked away.

"Yeah, you better run," he muttered.

Kate smiled to herself as she got ready for bed. It would have been perfect – if a significant part of her hadn't wanted to go through with it, and kiss him. She hadn't been kissed in over four years – and she _knew _he was good. It would only have been a kiss. She cursed her mind. Now she almost regretted not kissing him. Rick and his mind games – had he known she'd feel like this? She got into bed, burying herself under the covers, closing her eyes. She told herself sternly to go to sleep.

Two hours later, she was still wide awake. It was 1am – they had turned in fairly early. She decided to go through to the kitchen to get a drink. She took a bottle of water from the fridge, and sat on the counter to drink it. She didn't notice Rick was in the room until he spoke.

"Nice shirt."

Kate gasped. She was dressed only in her skimpy, worn out Wonder-woman t-shirt and panties. She got a hold of herself.

"Yeah, thanks. I like it too."

She turned around to see him. He was dressed only in loose pyjama pants. With a batman print.

"I'd return the compliment, but you aren't wearing a top."

Rick laughed. "Between us, we have quite the outfit."

Kate swigged her water. "So you couldn't sleep either?"

"All that teasing. Kept me up. But I think coming down here was a mistake – my mind is just filled with even more images now. Why weren't you sleeping?"

"Just... thinking. I guess the teasing had an effect on me too."

He grinned. "I'll take that as a compliment. So, what do you do when you can't sleep?"

Kate sighed. "Dunno. When Johnny can't sleep, I sit with him and tell him stories."

"Want to try that?" he offered.

"Seriously?"

Rick went and sat down on the couch, patting the cushion next to him. Kate sighed, and flopped down beside him. She pulled the blanket off the back of the seat, and put it over her legs. Rick arranged it so it was over him too, and put his arm around her. She would have moved, but she was too comfortable.

"Once upon a time-"

"Once upon a time?" she asked incredulously.

"Yes. Once upon a time. Shh, or I'll stop."

"Fine."

"Right. So – once upon a time, there was a wonderful detective, a wonder-woman, you might even say, named Nikki Heat..."

Half an hour later, Kate was fast asleep against Rick. He smiled. He was very tired too. He closed his eyes, and soon he was snoring quietly, his arm still around her shoulders.

* * *

"Mommy? Mommy, your alarm's beeping..."

Kate blinked her heavy eyelids, disorientated. Johnny tugged at her hand.

"We have to get ready. Aren't we going to the new nursery school?"

Kate shook herself awake. And realised she was curled up on the couch, in Rick's arms. She elbowed him, then jumped up. She looked at the clock. It was already past nine.

"Shit!"

"Mom!"

"Sorry. I owe you a dollar. Run, sweetie, we are very late."

Rick was still sleeping.

"Castle," she said, shaking him.

"No, still sleeping," he mumbled.

She put her face to his ear. "CASTLE!"

He sat up. "Okay, I'm awake. What?"

"We're late. Go get dressed. Now."

He checked the time.

"Shit!"

Johnny put his hands over his ears. Kate laughed, and ran to his room with him. He found some clothes, and she left to find something to wear herself.

Kate didn't know which was more weird – that she'd fallen asleep in Rick's arms, or that she'd slept better in them than she had in years. She got dressed quickly; there was no time to shower. She brushed her teeth, and blinked on some mascara. She ran a brush through her wavy hair, and shook it out. That would have to do.

She went to check on Johnny. He was still in his room, buttoning up a shirt, but he had got the buttons misaligned. Kate smiled, and knelt in front of him.

"You excited?" she asked, redoing his buttons. He bit his lip.

"Don't know. I'll see..."

Kate pulled him into a hug, and he hugged her back. She could tell he was nervous.

"Will you do my buttons?"

Kate looked around. Rick was standing in the doorway. He was wearing a t-shirt. Kate laughed.

"Yeah, didn't really think that one through. I'm pretty much ready."

"Did you brush your teeth?" Kate asked Johnny.

"Ooh, no," Rick said, and disappeared again. Johnny laughed.

"I didn't either."

"Go on then," she said. Johnny hurried through her room to their bathroom. That was the only part of the bedroom layout that wasn't ideal. Kate grabbed her purse and keys, and found a jacket for Johnny. Rick reappeared, with a blob of toothpaste on his shirt. Kate grinned.

"I finally know where he gets that from – I have never spilled toothpaste on myself once!"

Rick looked down at his shirt, and laughed. He started upstairs again, taking it off, and came back down holding one with buttons. He put it on, and pretended to struggle.

"If you mess them up, I'm not fixing it," Kate said.

Johnny came in. "We didn't have breakfast," he said. Kate grabbed a bagel from the kitchen and handed it to him.

"Eat on the road," she said.

"What about me?" said Rick, looking injured. Kate took another bagel and shoved it in his mouth. Johnny laughed.

"Right, we're going," she said, checking her watch. It was nine-thirty. They might make it. They hurried into the elevator. As they stood there, Johnny took a hand of each of his parents. They both looked down at him, and then at each other. Johnny smiled.

"What're you so happy about?" Kate asked.

Johnny looked up at her. "You slept with Rick."

Kate was about to gasp, when she realised Johnny actually meant slept, as in sleeping. Rick swallowed a laugh.

"Yeah, we were really tired, and fell asleep on the sofa."

Johnny turned to Rick. "I know. It's just good."

Kate caught Rick's eye, shrugged, and smiled at him. Maybe it was good. At least they were friends now.

They made it to St Andrew's School moments before ten. They rushed in together, Johnny looking around at the beautiful buildings in wonder. They entered, and found themselves in a pretty hallway, with a reception desk. It was very clean, and nicely decorated; more like a living room than a school. There were lots of pictures drawn by the children, and the whole atmosphere was welcoming.

Out of breath, the three looked around, taking it all in.

"Hello," said a young woman who had been sitting in one of the chairs. "I'm Miss Jackson, I'm the head of the nursery section of St Andrew's. You must be Mr Castle – we spoke on the phone."

"Yeah, that's me."

"Nice to meet you," she said, shaking his hand. She turned to Kate.

"Mrs Castle?"

"Ms Beckett, actually. But, it's a pleasure," she said, shaking Miss Jackson's hand. Miss Jackson looked momentarily embarrassed, but Johnny saved her.

"It's okay, they're weird. But they are my parents. I'm Johnny," he said, holding out his hand. She laughed. Kate had a feeling the advance copy of Heat Wave might not be necessary – Johnny might well win them over on his own.

Miss Jackson took them on a quick tour of the 'small' nursery building. It had several classrooms, but they were all joined onto a main hall, so the place felt very connected. The library fascinated Johnny – there were bean bags, and shelves full of books. Miss Jackson kept up a commentary about each section, as well as outlining the aims of the school. A little girl approached them. She and Johnny eyed each other.

"Johnny, this is Lindsay. If you come here, she'll be in your class."

Lindsay smiled. "Hi," she said shyly.

"Hi," Johnny replied.

Miss Jackson spoke to the children firmly, but not in the patronising tone that so many teachers seemed to use.

"Lindsay, why don't you show Johnny the railway?" she suggested. The two children were soon playing together. Rick and Kate followed Miss Jackson to a little table, where they sat down and discussed the more boring admin issues. Kate gulped when she heard how much it cost, but Rick put his hand on her knee, and she kept her feelings to herself. She could tell that this was Johnny's kind of place. They did have a waiting list, but Johnny would be allowed to skip it. Rick's connections did come in useful, but Miss Jackson would have had to agree, and she winked at Kate, saying that Johnny had won her over.

"He has a way with people," Kate said with a smile, thinking of Gates.

"I think he'll fit right in here," she said.

Rick grinned. "To whom do I make out the cheque?"

Kate nudged him for showing off, and he stepped on her foot. Johnny appeared.

"Lindsay had to go to her lesson. She has art. I was wondering if I could go too?"

Miss Jackson grinned.

"You can stay all day, if that's alright with your parents."

Johnny looked pleadingly at Kate. "Course you can stay."

He grinned, and ran back across the room.

"I guess that's settled then," Rick said.

"Classes go on until three, but we're open until six, and there are different activities he can do if you want him to stay later – a lot of the children do."

Kate nodded.

"I'll probably fetch him at about five-thirty," she said. It was further from work than the old place. Rick caught her eye.

"He just does three days a week right now," he said.

"That's fine – tell me which days. Most of his class is Monday through Wednesday."

"Perfect," Kate and Rick said together. They both laughed. After filling out a few forms, they were free to go. Kate waved to Johnny, and he waved back, but soon returned to being deeply engrossed in the picture he was painting.

"So," Kate said when they were back in the car. "Now what?"

"You have the day off?"

"Yeah. I thought I'd have Johnny – I didn't know he would stay."

"Well, so do I. By the way, I have a new publisher for Heat Wave. And they want me to write another two books."

"What? No..."

"Yes. Oh, come on, we make a great team."

Kate laughed. "Fine. But you'll have to meet Gates." She grinned.

"She'll love me."

"She won't want you there."

"I've already spoken to the mayor."

"What if I'd said no?"

"I can be very persuasive. Speaking of which – can I take Johnny on the two days he's not at school?"

Kate had known this was coming since the first stupid expression her boys had exchanged. "You don't have to persuade me. It's fast – but you two... well, you could be father and son," she said with a smile. Rick laughed.

"So," Rick said, repeating her earlier words. "Now what?"

"We could... I don't know. I'm just happy. I don't mind."

"We could go somewhere."

"Where?"

"I could surprise you," he said, waggling his eyebrows.

"I don't like surprises," she said.

"You'll like this one – I know where we're going now. Get out – I'm driving."

"No. You're not allowed to drive my car."

"I'll play you for it."

"Play what?"

"Dares."

"Rick, we are not nine."

"No, we're not. Wow, Beckett – I missed your big thee-oh!"

"Shut up. No you didn't. I've been twenty-nine for nearly four years now, that's all."

"Gosh, nearly thirty three. I remember when I was thirty three..."

"Really?"

"Fine. Roshambo?"

"I'm gonna win, Castle. So, sure."

Kate decided Rick must have practised in Ethiopia, because he won, and ten minutes later, he was driving – she watched the road, but she hadn't guessed where they were going yet.

_**Thanks for reading, please review XD I will also mention that I have written a oney based on a few things from 5x12 - blame Anna! It's called 'Whipped Cream' (I think you'll be able to tell from the title whether it'll be your thing) and please take a look if you want. As always, I love you very much, and send you lots of hugs and good wishes! Z xxx**_


	30. Chapter 30

**He was driving into the city centre**. Kate looked around, and he parked the car, but quickly took her hand, and pulled her down a different street. And then they were on fifth avenue, opposite the Met Museum of Art. Kate laughed.

"This is where we're going?"

Rick looked worried. "You don't like it here?"

"Like it, Castle? I love it."

And then it was her dragging his hand. He paid the entry fee, and they ran into one of the rooms. Kate had a huge smile on her face, and Rick found it hard to look at the art, because he couldn't take his eyes off her. She stared at painting after painting, admiring every one.

"Let me guess – you took art history in college?" Rick said, watching her absorb yet another masterpiece with an expression of full understanding on her face.

"No, Castle. The closest I ever got to an art class was posing for one."

"Posing? In what?"

"Not a stitch," she said, walking away from him towards the next exhibit. He caught her up.

"You're such a tease! You can't say things like that and expect me not to want to kiss you."

Kate wondered if teasing him so much was wrong. But it was so much fun... Was it fun because she liked him? Or even more than liked him? She concentrated on the paintings and sculptures – she would just try to enjoy herself.

They talked quietly as they made their way around the museum, looking at everything. They didn't get bored – they were both curious people, and they loved each others company. They went for a coffee and an early lunch in the café at about 2 – Kate would have gone earlier, but she had been so absorbed by the museum that she forgot how hungry she was.

"What do you want to eat?" Rick asked, looking at the list of food that was on offer. Kate looked through it too.

They both ended up with cheese and tomato paninis. Rick ordered Kate's coffee – a grande skim latte with two pumps of sugar free vanilla.

"You remembered?" she gaped at him.

"Of course," he said with a smile.

"But it's been almost _five _years since you bought me a coffee."

"Four years and nine months – let's not exaggerate. And, so? I just have a good memory."

Kate laughed. "If you say so. I bet you wrote it down somewhere."

Rick's thoughts suddenly drifted back to the journal that had been destroyed in the fire.

_I hate to be so far away from her – from Kate, and from our son. I remember everything about her – the way her brow furrows when she's thinking, the way her eyes twinkle when she's laughing at my expense, her coffee order... She won't be drinking coffee yet – she'll still be breast feeding. But one day I'll buy her a coffee again. I'll see that smile, hear that laugh, hold that hand. Being so far away has made me realise two things. One, I am completely in love with her. And two, I am completely unworthy of her._

_This journal is supposed to document the building of the village – but it seems to be documenting the re-building of my character instead. And I still have such a long way to go._

_But, I want to make it clear, that one day, I will go back. I will see you again, Katherine Beckett, and I will show you how much I have changed, and tell you just how much I love you..._

"Castle?"

"Sorry, what?"

"You were miles away. What's on your mind?"

"Oh, nothing. Just thinking."

"Well we can go sit down now. They'll bring everything to us. I ordered you a cappuccino."

"Thanks, that's perfect," he said, following her to a table.

They sat opposite each other, and began talking about the school.

"It really does seem perfect," Kate said.

"I'm sure it won't be totally perfect," Rick said with a smile, "but, yeah, it is pretty great."

"I'll have to call the old place, and tell him I'm withdrawing him."

"I could do it, if you want."

"Thanks, but I think it has to be me. They don't really know you..."

Rick nodded, looking slightly crestfallen. Kate smiled.

"Just stick around – before you know it, you'll have far more responsibility for him than you want."

He laughed. "I'm not going anywhere, Beckett."

She looked him in the eye. "I know."

She wanted to tell him how she didn't feel at all as though he'd been away for four years – and that although she was angry, she forgave him. Because he had come back. She had always disliked the story of the prodigal son – she wasn't religious, and had never understood it when she had heard it at school. And she still didn't. But in a way, she did. Because Rick leaving had made her realise how much she loved him – even his imperfections. His crazy grand gestures – like running off to Africa to save lives, and to prove himself. She realised she didn't like him in spite of his childish characteristics, and his over the top sense of humour. She liked him because of these things – and it had taken her all of five days to completely fall for him, all over again.

Their coffee and food arrived, and Kate watched Rick. She should wait. She knew she should wait. She should take it slowly, give them a chance to get to know each other again first.

He looked back at her, thinking exactly the same thing. And also that one of the buttons on her top had popped open somehow – it wasn't too bad, but he could see just enough to make him desperate for more. To make matters worse, he was almost certain she knew he was looking. And instead of saying something, or doing up the button, she sat up straighter, sticking her chest out more. He took a swig of coffee – and burned his mouth. He saw the corner of hers twitch with a smile, and decided two could play at this game. He fanned himself dramatically, and popped two buttons of his own shirt. He watched her appreciate the view for a moment, and then she got up. His eyes followed her until she turned down the corridor towards the disabled toilet. And then he ran after her. He tapped on the door, and she opened it, pulling him inside.

"Stop it!" she said. "I can't concentrate on my food. And I'm hungry."

"You stop it! Your button was undone first!"

Kate looked down, and realised what he meant. She fixed the button, a glow coming to her cheeks. He did his up again too.

"What are we doing, Rick?" she asked him, as he made to leave the bathroom.

He made a face. "How should I know?"

"What do you want us to be doing?" she asked tentatively.

"You really want to know?"

She nodded. He took a step towards her, and planted his mouth on hers. Her mind erupted into a burst of fireworks - but she squirmed in his grip, and he broke away far too soon.

"That," he said, almost angrily. "And a lot more of that. And a lot more than that."

Kate stood there, frozen. She didn't know whether to scream, or kiss him again. He left the room, so she didn't have to make the decision. She sat down on the toilet. Her lips were still tingling. She _really _wanted to kiss him again. _You've waited for years,_ she told herself sternly. _You can wait a bit longer. _But she didn't want to. She straightened herself, and splashed her flushed cheeks with cold water. She sighed, and left the bathroom. He was sitting at their table.

As soon as he saw her, his whole body stood to attention. He was terrified she would throw him out of her life. She would have a right to.

"Beckett," he said as soon as she sat down. "I know I was way out of line, and I'm-"

She held up her hand. "I've thought about your argument," she said, "and I know where you're coming from. But... It's just too complicated right now. And this isn't forever, because... well it's obvious we have something. But – can we just take it slow?"

Rick nodded. "How slow?"

"I know it's not enough. But, friends? Just for a while..."

Rick nodded again. "I'm so sorry, about what happened in there."

"I'm not," she said, blushing again. "And if we could really just do that, without it affecting anything else, without it affecting Johnny, I would be dragging you back in there right now. But I just... I still have some things to figure out. I want it all to be straight in my mind – because if we do try again, Rick, I want us to have a chance."

He got up, and pulled her up into a hug. "You're right. You're so right. And I know I've been such an idiot-"

"No you haven't. Well, you haven't been too bad. We'll get there."

Rick hugged her tighter. "Just seeing you is amazing. Being with you... The thought that I might never see you again-"

"Almost destroyed me," she finished for him. She was shocked to find that there were tears in her eyes. She let him hold her for several minutes, then they sat down to their cold coffee and paninis. When they were finished, they walked hand in hand around the museum, until it was time to pick Johnny up.

_**Thanks for reading, please review! Loads of love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	31. Chapter 31

**When they arrived at the school, Johnny was very reluctant to leave**. Lindsay's father was there too, and Kate exchanged numbers with him. He was sweet – he was a professor at Columbia, and had a friendly attitude – but beneath his vest and tie, Kate spied a very masculine body. Rick caught her looking, and went straight over.

"Hello, I'm Johnny's father – we haven't been introduced."

"Tim," the man said, holding out his hand, seeming rather disappointed. Kate gave Rick a look, and he felt a little guilty, but she smiled. He knew he had no reason to be jealous – she hadn't waited four years for him, to fall for another guy a few days after his return. He laughed to himself, and chatted a little with Tim, who cheered up hugely when he realised Rick was the author of the Derrick Storm books.

They finally managed to drag Johnny away from Lindsay, on the promise that he would be back next week, and Rick suggested that they pick up Alexis on their way home, to ask her round for dinner.

Martha was in too, and they ate as a family, everyone far more relaxed than they had been on Johnny's birthday. Kate smiled as Alexis talked nine to the dozen with her father, telling him every little thing about college. They would have to see if Alexis new Tim, she thought, smiling. Martha admired her son, who looked even more ruggedly handsome, and striking with his tan and his bright blue eyes. He had won everyone over, just as she had known he would. She almost thought he deserved more punishment than he was getting – but she wouldn't be the one to dish it out. If she knew one thing about her son, it was that he was kind. He might not always do the right thing, but he always had the right intentions.

She watched the way he looked at Kate – with well reigned in, but desperate, longing. Kate looked at him in almost the same way. Martha smiled. It wouldn't be long now.

_**Two Months Later – The beginning of Easter Vacation**_

"Mommy, are we there yet?" Johnny asked for the thousandth time.

"No," she said, wriggling her legs. She was in the back of Rick's BMW – so was Rick, and Johnny was wedged in between them. Alexis was driving, with Martha riding shotgun, watching her granddaughter like a hawk.

"It's fine, Grams," Alexis was saying. "I have my licence. I'm allowed to drive alone."

Martha tutted. "They let you kids pass too easily these days. Anyway, I'm not watching. I'm just... looking at the view out of your window."

Rick stifled a laugh, and looked over Johnny's head at Kate.

"Rick, are we there yet?" Johnny asked his father. Still no Dad. Kate hadn't realised it would take this long, especially since Johnny and Rick were so close now. They had spent two days a week together since Johnny had started at the new nursery, as well as having dinner together every night, and going on numerous weekend trips with her.

But there were still issues. Johnny loved being read to by Rick, but still insisted Kate told him a bedtime story every night. And whenever they went anywhere as a family, he would gravitate towards his mother. Kate supposed it was natural – and it wasn't as though Johnny didn't enjoy spending time with Rick. He just made it clear that, given the choice, he still preferred Kate. She knew she would be upset if he didn't feel that way. But she hoped Rick wasn't upset now. She didn't want to force Johnny on the 'Dad' thing, so she simply continued to refer to Rick as 'your Dad' whenever she was talking to her son.

Rick smiled at Johnny. "No. But nearly. You'll like it – have you ever been to the beach?"

Johnny shook his head.

"Then you're really in for a treat."

Johnny was full of questions for Rick about what they could do there, and what it would be like, and Kate tried to nap while they talked. Listening to their conversation was oddly soothing – family life was a strain, but a welcome one, and she enjoyed it. Rick actually took some of the strain off. He was quite busy, with Heat Wave coming out soon, but he still managed to find time to do some cleaning and laundry while she was at work. She had thought he might get a housekeeper – and she wouldn't have been able to stop him, since it was his house. But he hadn't. He'd actually respected the way she wanted to live.

Alexis pulled up in front of Rick's house in the Hamptons. Martha breathed a sigh of relief; Kate and Johnny gasped. Rick smiled at how similar they looked. They all scrambled out of the car, and took their bags out of the trunk. Martha disappeared for a 'dramatic pause', and Johnny set off on his own, running from room to room. Alexis went to the kitchen to get a drink, and then suggested she go out and get some food. She kissed Rick on the cheek on the way out – Kate smiled, glad that the two Castles were back in their old partnership. Rick turned to her, and took her hand.

"Can I show you around?"

She grinned, and nodded. The house was huge – it even had a pool. Johnny reappeared, having investigated every room at lightning speed, and Rick took him on his shoulders as he showed Kate upstairs.

"Daddy, which is my room?" Johnny asked.

"It's-" Rick tried not to drop his son as he did a double take. "It's that one – the one painted blue, with the window seat."

"Good. I like that one. I can read in there."

"Yes, you can," Rick said, still bemused. Kate smiled hugely, and Johnny grinned down at her.

"And, Daddy, what are we having for dinner?"

"I don't know. Alexis is buying it."

"That's okay. When'll it be? Will you take me to the beach first?"

Rick laughed. "It won't be until later – we can go to the beach first."

"Good. Mommy?"

"Yeah?" Kate said, catching his eye.

"You want to come to the beach with us?"

"I'd love to," she said, laughing. Johnny scrambled down, stood between them, and took their hands.

"Well come on then. Let's go. Houses are boring."

They laughed, and let him drag them out of the house and into the April sunshine. There was a small flight of stairs from the garden leading directly onto the sand, and as soon as he saw the sea, Johnny ran towards it, shouting with delight. Kate and Rick watched him, smiles on their faces. Kate kicked off her shoes and ran after him, feeling the sand get between her toes. Rick began to run after them, losing his shoes as well. They stopped at the water's edge, staring out at the ocean. Johnny took Kate's hand, and stared at the distant horizon.

"What's out there?" he asked.

"A lot of water," Rick said. Johnny laughed.

"And then what?"

"Ireland, if you go far enough."

"Cool," Johnny breathed. "Can we stay here forever?"

_**Okay, okay, I know I said no more time jumps but I really wanted them to go to the beach! I hope you like it. Thanks for reading, please review :-) Love you lots, Z xxx**_


	32. Chapter 32

**They didn't go back to the house until **hours later, and only then because Alexis would be waiting for them. Johnny protested, almost to the point of a tantrum, but Kate told him firmly that there was no need to fuss – they had three more weeks here, and he could go to the beach every day if he wanted to. Rick admired the way she got through to him – she didn't do it by shouting or making threats – she just told him what was what, in a way that took no nonsense, but that was also respectful.

They collected their shoes, and went back to the house. Kate took Johnny upstairs for a bath – he was covered in sand and salt water. Rick went to help Alexis make dinner.

"You guys are becoming quite the happy family," she said, but there was an edge to her voice. Rick wondered what was up – she had seemed fine earlier. They had talked a lot in the last couple of months, and he had thought they were finally getting back to the way they used to be.

"Yeah, everything seems to be going well," he said slowly, trying to figure out what was wrong.

"That must be nice..." she said. Rick waited. He knew she would tell him, and he didn't want to upset her further by saying something to worsen her mood. She chopped at the lettuce for their salad with much more force than necessary. Then, suddenly, she turned to him.

"When are you going to stop pretending, Dad? All of you, pretending you're this ideal little family? You're not. You got her pregnant on a one night stand, couldn't cope, took up with your bitch of a publisher, couldn't cope with the aftermath of that either, ran off to Africa, and then came back four years later to your ready made family unit? And now you want to pretend that nothing happened while you were away? You missed so much, Dad!"

Rick was baffled. He thought he had talked all of this over with his daughter months ago.

"But, Alexis, we talked-"

"No. You talked. A bit. But you were too interested in getting to know your perfect little boy to even _ask _about what'd been happening to me!"

"I did, I asked how you were-"

"No. You didn't. You asked how we were, and after about a minute, the topic changed to Johnny and we just talked about him."

"I thought... You could have said something."

"When? I hardly see you. And anyway, it's always with the family now."

"Well, you're at college – I thought you'd want your space-"

"Space?" she yelled in disbelief. "Dad, you gave me four years of space, and I missed you every single day. And yeah, I am at college. You missed me choosing one. You missed my graduation! Did you even know that I was valedictorian?"

Rick shook his head, stunned that he hadn't seen this coming.

"I was giving you space. Because I know who you came back for. And it sure as hell wasn't me. And I don't even think it was Johnny," she said quietly.

"Look, I... I've been an idiot. But I do want to know about you, I missed you so much, and-"

"Yeah? Well maybe you missed your chance. But never mind eh? You have another kid, see if you can do better the second time around. Although I guess with Kate, she's the third..."

"Alexis! I know I shouldn't have left, but you know I love you."

"Yes. But you love someone else more. And what's maybe the worst part is, you don't even have the guts to tell her. You came back for her – but you're not even with her."

Rick stood there, still in shock. "But I don't even know if-"

"Save it. I don't want to know. All you talk about is her. And she does care about you – and it's sweet, and it's perfect, and it's all going to be wonderful – but at least she thinks about me too. She calls me, she does things with me, she talks to me late at night when I'm having trouble with Max-"

"You're having trouble with Max?"

"No. Maybe. That's not the point!"

"Honey, I am here, if you want to talk."

"I don't. I don't want to talk to you."

"That's why you came with us... You were going to go with Matt's family, weren't you?"

"We both decided we'd like to be with our families. We wanted a little space?"

"What did you fight about?" His tone was completely sympathetic, but she wouldn't give in.

"No, Dad. I'll talk to Grams. And more to Kate. Johnny called you Daddy when he came in. Why don't you go and be a Daddy to him?"

Rick finally realised what this might be about.

Alexis felt like she was being replaced – just when she had gotten her father back, she was losing him again – he had a lovely new child to dote on, as well as a new number one girl. Alexis was so confused – she knew Rick and Kate were meant to be – she had known ever since she met the detective that she was the perfect partner for him. But now... Hearing Johnny call him Daddy had been the last straw. It had always been just the two of them – she had never had a sibling. But now he looked at Johnny with the look he had always reserved for her. And he looked at Kate with a different look altogether. She tipped the lettuce into a bowl, and went to rinse some tomatoes. She knew she was being unreasonable – but so was he. He didn't deserve for everything just to fall into place – she had been so happy that he wasn't dead, she had forgiven him without really thinking. But now she felt as though she had let him back in too soon, and he was taking it all for granted.

She thought he was taking Kate for granted too – and Johnny. He hadn't been around for the difficult stages – when Johnny had been sick as a baby, or all the times Kate was confronted with her mother's murder at work. He hadn't helped at all. Kate had done it all without him – she hadn't had a choice. But Johnny had loved him from the day they met – he was too young to understand. And it hadn't taken Kate long to be charmed out of her anger.

The tomatoes received the same treatment as the lettuce, and Alexis kept her back to her father. When she turned around, to her surprise, he was still there.

"You're right," he whispered.

She sighed. "I'm angry. And I guess I'm a little jealous."

"I'm just an idiot."

"No, you're not. They need you more than I do."

"You have a right to expect me to be there for you."

Alexis laughed. "History would beg to differ."

"I'm different. I mean, I'm still the charming fool you knew and loved. But I have grown up a bit – or I thought I had. And I'm not going anywhere."

"You have. We can all see it. I just..." her voice softened. "I just feel like I'm going to lose you all over again."

Rick smiled. "All I can do is promise that you won't – just tell me, okay?"

Alexis nodded, but she wasn't really convinced.

Kate watched from the top of the stairs, tears glistening in her eyes. She had heard the whole conversation. Johnny came out of his room, dressed in his pyjamas, holding a toy train.

"Mommy, do you want to play?"

Kate sniffed, wiped her eyes, smiled at her son, and nodded. If he noticed something was wrong, he didn't mention it.

Dinner was quiet, but Kate made conversation, determined to pretend she had no idea what was going on. Johnny wanted to play some more, and Kate suggested he play with Rick while she and Alexis washed up.

"I was listening, before," Kate said. "I'm so sorry. I can see now that... This must be so hard for you. And all the drama with me is pulling him away from you."

"It's not your fault," Alexis said gently. "You shouldn't be sorry. He should be paying attention to you."

"But not at the expense of his daughter."

"He already knows me. He has to spend time getting to know Johnny."

"He has to get to know you too. He has missed so much – you're right. I'm angry with him on your behalf more than my own."

"You're sweet. And you look after me so well. But, please, don't apologise for him, or take any of the blame upon yourself."

Kate nodded, but the thought was still painfully present in her mind. She decided to check on something else.

"How are things with Max?"

"He sent me a text, and called once while I was driving. He wants to talk."

"Do you want to?"

"I don't know. What we were fighting about... It's so stupid, something so minor. I mean, we're basically fighting over an outfit. But I'm worried that it's the start of something bigger – that maybe he wants to control me."

"Well. You have a right to wear whatever you want. And you should be worried, if he wants to control that. But it's entirely possible he was just a little jealous of the way other people were looking at you – and he wants to apologise? This is the first time this has happened, right?"

"Yeah, definitely. He's always been cool, relaxed. He trusts me."

"Then I'd give him a chance. When you're ready. You won't know until you call him."

"Yeah... I know I have to."

"Of course, if something like this happens again, be wary. I think he's a lovely guy, but-"

"You can't be too careful. Don't worry, Kate, I'll look out for it. I'll call him tomorrow."

Alexis pulled Kate into a hug.

"I'm so glad you're here for me," she said quietly. "Thank you."

"No problem," she said. But her mind was on a huge problem. And she had no idea what she was supposed to do.

Rick had to start being a father to Alexis. It was clear he loved her, and Kate knew he would never intentionally hurt her feelings, and that he was very interested in her, and her life. But he had been so taken up with Johnny- Kate could see exactly why Alexis had been upset. And it didn't help matters that she was going through a rough patch with Max, and Rick hadn't noticed.

She wished she didn't feel so in the way. She couldn't help feeling that no matter how close she and Alexis were, Alexis really wanted her Dad. It was the same with Johnny, but the other way around – Johnny liked Rick, and enjoyed his company, but he wanted Kate. Kate wondered if there was really any point forcing the issue – maybe she should have just left as soon as Rick arrived. She had wanted to. And once she thought about the anger, she found it was all to easy for it to bubble up inside her. He had left, he had caused all this trouble – and now he was back, and causing even more.

She tried to calm down, and counter the feelings with all the good things he had done. She thought about the new school – which Johnny loved. But her feelings about the unfairness about that type of education soon got her mad at Rick again. He was back to following her at work, the three days when he wasn't with Johnny. He had even won Gates over much more quickly than she had anticipated – it must be the resemblance between him and his son. But he had missed so much of her life – she had filled him in, but it wasn't the same. She had brought Johnny up alone – she had been forced into being a single parent – not to mention the fact that he had betrayed her before he even left for Africa.

She did not want to be on this spiral. Because she had feelings for him. And things between them had been going so well. On the beach, the three of them had been just like a family.

And there it was again. They were. But maybe Alexis was right. They were just pretending, because it looked so good on paper. Her Lanie voice reminded her that she and Rick really didn't look good on paper – and that was what made them so good in real life. She was going to have to talk to him. She hoped he would be able to work things out with Alexis – but she decided she might have to help, even if that meant taking herself out of the picture for a while. This thought tugged painfully at her heart, but she thought of the teenager who had lost her father once. She knew what it was like to lose a parent. And she did not want Alexis to ever feel that again.

She put Johnny to bed, and he did take her up on her strange mood this time. He was excited about his vacation though, and he soon settled down, accepting that she was just tired. Alexis disappeared to her room, and Kate found herself in the living room with Rick.

"So," he said. "You spoke to Alexis?"

"Yeah, she and Max had a fight. She'll deal with it though – she just needed someone to check in with about it."

"And that someone wasn't me."

"It should have been, Castle."

"I know."

"I'm getting in the way."

"No! You're not. It's wonderful that you're part of her life."

"She wants you. I'm a stand in. I care about her, and she cares about me. But the person she needs is you."

Rick sighed. "I don't even know where to start."

"Yes you do. You knew her so well – your relationship with her was one of the things that showed me right from the beginning that you weren't so bad after all. You just need to talk to her."

"Can it ever be how it was, though?"

"I don't know." _Maybe you should have thought about that before you LEFT her, _added an angry little voice in her head.

"But she has forgiven me...?"

Kate did feel sorry for him, but in a way she felt this scared uncertainty was more than overdue.

"I think she has... to an extent. But she hasn't forgotten what you did to her. And it's always going to sting."

He looked at her sadly. "Yes, it's always going to sting me, too," she said to him. "But I know I've forgiven you."

She wondered why he didn't tell her. She had heard that, too. She couldn't believe it was true. He had come back for Johnny. He had even said so. He had included her, but afterwards. And if he had – why didn't he say?

"I'm glad... I don't think I could face the world if you didn't like me," he said with a small smile.

"Well, I always will like you, so don't worry." But she couldn't help worrying herself. If they did finally admit to their feelings for each other – and they had both been sitting on them for long enough! - what would that do to Alexis?

Rick was sitting right next to Kate on the couch. He put his hand on her knee, and she didn't move away. She never did, these days.

"Just, like?" he asked, hardly daring to broach the subject.

She turned to him, ignoring the guilt that flooded through her body. She only had one life; she was going to live it. Her movement made his hand slide further up her thigh, and before she knew what was happening, before she could think better of it, he was kissing her. She leaned back on the couch, pulling him towards her, feeling the sparks fly between them. And then she had a flashback, to the first time they kissed. And she pushed him away.

"No. Not like this, Rick. Not again."

He moved away, but his eyes were filled with lust and confusion.

"Alexis... It would hurt her. And maybe other people too... I might not be ready."

Rick sighed. "When will you be ready?" he said a little too harshly. Kate frowned.

"Go outside for a minute and cool off. Then go and talk to your daughter – she'll still be awake, and she needs you."

"Do you ever stop thinking?" he said crossly.

"Thinking's useful," she said, but there was a hint of laughter in her voice. "Look. I actually liked where we were going. And I know Alexis doesn't have to, or want to, be a drama. But sort that first. We were irresponsible the first time. And look how that turned out."

Rick laughed. "I see your point. Am I ever going to stop making mistakes?"

Kate grinned. "You're improving. Tell you what. You sort things with your daughter, and tomorrow, you can take me out to dinner."

"Are you asking me out on a date, detective?"

"It's a reward. But, I guess so," she said, suddenly nervous.

"That would be delightful," he said with a grin. "And, thanks," he added ruefully.

She knew he was talking about stopping him, and she smiled. "Always."

**_So that one had a bit more drama - but it was getting a little TOO perfect. Anyway, look, they're all happy again now. What shall I do to them next..? Thanks for reading, please review (but note, although I am flattered, and love you very much for saying 'awww', it makes me worry that I'm making it sickly sweet, and I have a sudden urge to be angsty!). Loads of hugs and loveballs, Z xxx_**


	33. Chapter 33

_**Disclaimer: I'm sick. **_

Rick knocked quietly on Alexis' door. She opened it, saw it was her father, and wordlessly walked back into the room. She left the door open, so he followed her.

"I just wanted to tell you again, that I'm sorry, and that I _am _here for you. I won't lie to you – part of the reason I came back was for Kate. But I also came back because I was ready, because I had accomplished what I needed to, and because I missed my daughter so, so much."

Alexis wished she could shrug what he was saying off, but she needed to hear it.

"Really?"

"Really."

He pulled her into a hug. "And I might have changed, but I haven't changed that much. I mean, I still annoy you almost daily."

Alexis laughed. "Yeah, you do. I think... I mean, I want you to be with Kate. I always have. I just... once you're with her, don't forget me, okay?"

Rick held her tighter. "Alexis. You will always be my number one girl."

She pulled back and grinned. "No I won't. But it's nice of you to say so."

"So.. we're okay?" he asked her.

"We're okay. But we won't be, if you and Kate don't get together soon!"

Rick laughed. "We're going on a date tomorrow."

"That should be fun. Johnny and I won't wait up."

They sat down on her bed, and Rick put his arm around Alexis.

"Do you want to tell me about Max?"

Alexis sighed – but with relief rather than impatience. She began to tell her father about the fight she was having with her boyfriend, and Rick listened intently, and gave what advice he could. Alexis breathed in his voice, and his smell, and just his presence, for once so close to her. They talked for hours, like they hadn't done in years.

"You know, what you said before, about me having the perfect family?"

"I'm sorry, Dad, I was mad, I didn't-"

"No, you were right. I do have the perfect family. Which is more than a little down to you being in it."

Alexis smiled.

"Thanks. And I know... I know I'm in your family. I just feel a bit... Lost, sometimes."

"I'll let you in on a secret, honey. So do we all. But it'll be okay. You have me, and you have Kate, and you even have my mother."

Alexis laughed. "Then I can't go wrong."

Rick laughed too. "No. You ready to get some sleep?"

Alexis nodded. "Goodnight, Dad."

"Goodnight, pumpkin."

He hugged her again, and kissed the top of her head, then went to his own room to go to bed himself.

They all had a picnic the next day, though Martha protested, saying that eating on the beach was absurd when your dining room was so close – you needlessly filled everything with sand. This got Johnny started on SANDwiches, which he found hilarious. They stayed on the beach all day; Rick and Alexis built a stunning fairytale castle, while Kate and Johnny paddled, and then dug a hole, and then ran around playing various games of Johnny's invention.

When dinner time arrived, Alexis was happy to take Johnny, Martha hit the bar, and Kate and Rick got changed for their second first date, as Rick was calling it.

Kate hadn't brought much with her – 5 people limited to one trunk, especially when one of those people was Martha Rodgers, didn't leave much room for impractical dating clothes. She had unpacked that morning, so nothing was too crumpled, but she ended up just wearing denim shorts and a loose, sleeveless blouse. She slid her feet into white plimsolls – at least they would be practical if they decided to go for a walk on the beach. She let her hair tumble loose around her shoulders, and put on a silver charm bracelet Alexis had given her for her last birthday. It only had a few charms – her favourite was a little steam engine that Johnny had found in a second had store.

She put on some make up, but not too much, and went downstairs. Rick was waiting – he was wearing jeans and a light blue shirt, and had a cream coloured jacket over his arm. He smiled widely when he saw her.

"You look beautiful," he said honestly. She smiled back.

"You don't look so bad yourself, Castle."

He opened the door for her, and they decided to walk to the restaurant. They made polite conversation on the way, but didn't talk about anything in particular. When they arrived, Rick ordered a bottle of red wine, and the waiter poured their drinks, then left them to sit and look at the view.

"It's lovely here," Kate said, looking out of the window.

"Yes, it is," Rick agreed – looking at her. He spied the bracelet on her wrist.

"Is that a steam engine charm on your bracelet?"

Kate grinned. "Johnny gave it to me. Do you like it?"

"It's perfect. I might have to get you a charm to put on there as well."

"What would you get?"

Rick thought about it. "A cherry."

Kate laughed. "My signature smell."

"You haven't changed. I noticed it as soon as I got back."

"I'm glad you pay so much attention," she said, sipping her wine. He looked at the menu.

"Are you hungry?"

She winked. "Johnny and I are always hungry."

Rick laughed. "I remember when you used to say that when he was still CB, and he was still in there," he said, pointing to her now-flat stomach.

"_That _is something I don't miss," she said, wincing with the memory of childbirth. She picked up the menu too.

She decided to have the tagliatelle with prawns and zucchini. Rick ordered a steak, and some bread for both of them.

"No garlic bread?" Kate asked, with a twinkle in her eye.

"I think the plain bread will be better. Don't you?" he asked, pretending he had no idea what she was getting at.

"Yes, now that I think about it, I agree," she answered, looking at him through narrowed eyes. "But I should remind you that this is only our first date. And if you've matured, so have I."

Rick raised his eyebrows. "I hope you haven't matured too much. You've always had such good judgement."

Kate laughed. "Thanks. So – tell me about the new publisher," she said, trying for a new line of conversation.

"Well... actually my agent recommended them. Titan books."

"Sounds right up your street. Is your agent still Sheila?"

"Yeah – you remembered? We met her at that party, didn't we?"

Kate smiled. "That's right. It was actually pretty fun-"

"-until we ended up on page six the next morning. I still feel terrible about that."

"You don't need to – I knew what I was getting myself into. I just should have thought about it more. And I shouldn't have run away."

"I guess both of us need to do that less," he said, knowing his departure had been far more costly than hers.

"We both made mistakes," Kate said. "We're just lucky to have a second chance."

"I know. I... Honestly though, I never saw us sitting somewhere like this, dating."

"You mean, you thought we'd eventually just snap and the tension would dissolve straight into passion?"

Rick laughed. "Something like that."

Kate winked. "You'd be surprised how many times that's nearly happened."

"Seriously? But I thought..."

He trailed off, hypnotised by Kate's smile.

_Johnny was in bed – he'd been with Rick all day, and Kate had returned late, after finally closing a very stressful case. It had been hard, and complicated, and she was looking forward to a glass of wine, a long bath, and a good book. She decided to finally read the manuscript of Heat Wave – it had been lying around for a few weeks, and after all Rick's teasing, she was pretty curious, especially about the pages in the early hundreds..._

_She slid into the bath, enjoying the cherry scented bubbles, and reached for her wine. She took a long sip, and felt her muscles begin to relax. She picked up the book, and began to read. _

_She was still reading long after the water had gone cold. She finally got out of the bath and put on her robe, then went through to the kitchen to refill her wine. She settled on the couch, still reading. She read faster, eager to get to the passage Rick had been going on and on about. She knew she would be angry with him about it – but it was also strangely exciting – there was an undeniable spark between them, and Rick had captured it perfectly with the characters of Nikki and Rook. _

_She read on, and finally got to the scene she had been waiting for. It was even more than she had expected, and she bit her lip as she felt herself tense up again – so much for the relaxing bath. It really had been too long. As she read, she realised too late that she was imagining herself in Nikki's place – but she couldn't stop now. She smiled, enjoying this more and more. No one would know, anyway._

_She put the manuscript down on the floor, and closed her eyes. It had been a very well written scene-_

_And then she jumped. Rick was there. And, as was happening all too often, he was dressed in only a towel. She pulled her robe more tightly around herself, and tried to concentrate on something other than how good he looked, how warm and fuzzy the wine had made her feel, and how turned on she was by the sex scene he had written. She had told him they were going to wait. She had told him they would just be friends, that they would take things very, very slowly. _

_But now here he was, and she wished he would kiss her, touch her, even come near her. She was very aware of the limited clothing they had between them – one slip and there would be... nothing._

"_Beckett? You still up?" Rick asked. She took a deep breath, feeling the colour rise in her cheeks._

"_Uh, yeah. But, I was just going to bed, actually," she said, sliding the manuscript under the couch with her foot. She picked up her wine, downed the contents, and went to put it in the sink._

"_Are... Are you okay?" he asked, sounding worried. She wanted more than anything to turn around and yank off that towel; to feel his lips on hers... But something stopped her. She nodded, biting her lip again, then hurried away to her room. She struggled into her most un-sexy pyjamas, and forced herself away from the door. She had been so dangerously close to reaching out and... She slammed her eyes tight shut, and lay there in the darkness, breathing slowly, but it took a good hour before she was calm enough to sleep._

Rick laughed. "Really? That's what it was that night?"

Kate blushed. "Yes. But, I probably just had too much wine."

Rick reached over and refilled her glass. She grinned, and took a big mouthful of it. Their food had arrived, and she ate as neatly as she could – tagliatelle was not an attractive meal, though. Rick didn't seem to notice, however, and they continued to talk about funny situations from the past few weeks. Rick was full of things Johnny said and did – some of the stories were about habits Kate was all too familiar with, but she didn't mind listening – it was nice that Rick was getting to know their son.

They touched on Alexis and Max, too. Kate had met Max, and liked him well enough, but Rick was worried, now that he had heard about the fight. Kate told him what she had told Alexis, and he reluctantly agreed that Max should be given a chance to explain himself.

"I just... I worry about her. She's so grown up, and of course she's going to have boyfriends, but... I don't want her to get hurt."

"Don't worry, Castle, she's much more sensible than you are. And she has a lot of people to support her – she has a close set of friends at Columbia, and I don't think she even keeps anything from me."

Rick laughed. "I know she's sensible. But I think both Castles need a Beckett to keep us straight when it comes to dating."

"I don't know how I would advise you," she said. "I think you may be beyond my help."

"I hope not. I know I've made some very bad choices. But I'm about to make another, and I would like your opinion, if you don't mind."

"I don't mind," she replied with a smile.

"Well... There's this girl. I like her, a lot. I've liked her for, well, for years, but we've been apart, and although we've been seeing a lot of each other again, she wants to take things slow, and there are a lot of complications. And what I want to know is, how much should I listen to her? I mean, I know I have to respect her feelings. But do you think there's a possibility that she might be holding back because she's afraid of me hurting her again?"

Kate's expression became very serious as she listened. "There might be," she whispered.

"Because I want to tell her that will never happen. And I know that, because I realised something, while we were apart."

"What was that?" Kate hardly dared to ask.

"That I'm in love with her," he said simply. Kate concentrated on breathing, in and out, slowly, in and out. She had known he liked her. She had known he wanted to be with her. She had known she wanted that too. And she had known he was willing to wait, that he was serious about it.

But in love? He was in love with her? Not only did this make her heart beat so fast she thought it might pop out of her chest, it made her acknowledge that her own feelings for him might be just as strong, and just as deep. She realised that no matter how afraid she was, or how many things could go wrong, she could not wait any longer.

"I think you should tell her," she said gently. "I think she would love to hear that."

She reached across the table and put her hand in his. He took out his wallet, left money for the food, along with a huge tip, and walked outside, keeping hold of her hand, and maintaining the intense eye contact that had begun when she spoke.

_**Thanks for reading, please review. I wonder what will happen next... Love you! Z xxx**_


	34. Chapter 34

**They walked along the beach, hand in hand, **until they were out of sight of the restaurant. Kate shivered, and although it was more due to excitement than cold, Rick immediately draped his jacket around her shoulders. She smiled – it was warm from his body, and it smelled like him. He put his arm around her shoulders, and still he didn't speak. He was looking into her eyes, searching for something. He knew it wasn't _her _to tell him she loved him too – especially when he hadn't exactly said that to her. Well, he had. But he hadn't said the specific three words that somehow had a different meaning than anything else.

She was looking back at him just as hard. They both knew that anything that happened tonight wouldn't be a rushed one night stand, or a frenzied kiss in the disabled toilet of an art gallery. It would be _real_. And although they were both desperate for it, neither of them knew exactly how to start. They found themselves standing right by the sea, the waves lapping at their feet. The moonlight was reflecting beautifully off the water, and Kate realised just how romantic it was.

As though fate had been listening, with the next step she took, she slipped and landed on her ass in the wet sand. She laughed – and so did he. They couldn't help it; the sudden break in the intensity was too strange to be ignored. Kate stayed where she was, knowing the water was soaking through her shorts, but too bemused to get up.

"Well something had to ruin it," she said, when they had stopped laughing. Rick winked, and knelt down in front of her.

"Who says it's ruined?" he asked, leaning towards her. And she knew why she hadn't kissed him before. It had been too over the top, too intense, too perfect. What she and Rick were was fun – of course, their feelings ran as deep as could be – but their banter and jokes was what made being with him so wonderful.

"I would slide my hand round to your butt," he said as she knelt up to meet him, "but it's all wet and gross-"

She cut him off with her mouth, almost giggling as she kissed him. She let him pull her even closer, and slide his hands under her blouse. She reciprocated, and soon his shirt was in the sand, despite the evening chill. She felt him push against her, and she let herself fall back, enjoying the way the moonlight lit up the muscles on his chest. They were dancing. She rolled them over so she was on top – and he helped her off with her own shirt. He touched her scar again, but she moved his hand onto her breast, her eyes teasing him. She lowered herself down onto him, tasting the salt on his lips from the sand and sea. She grinned.

"Sand gets everywhere, doesn't it?" she whispered. He undid her bra.

"Yeah. But we might as well go with it – too late now..."

They rolled again, and his kisses weren't restricted to just her mouth. She gasped with pleasure.

"You haven't lost your touch," she breathed.

"Well, there were plenty of elephants to practise on in Africa – one of them reminded me so much of you it was uncanny."

She laughed. "Poor elephant."

They continued to kiss, but were cautious not to go too far. Kate shivered again, and Rick reluctantly got up, pulling her with him.

"You need a hot shower. Come on, we should be getting back."

Kate sighed, but nodded. She slid into Rick's jacket – it was the least wet and sandy of everything they'd discarded. She buttoned it up, and he laughed.

"Yeah, because no one'll know what you've been up to _now._ You might as well just walk in topless."

Kate laughed. "No one's going to see. Anyway, you're doing the topless bit for us."

He took her hand, and they walked slowly back to the house. It was dark and quiet – they crept through to the bathroom, and locked themselves in, dropping their wet things in a heap on the floor. Rick slid out of his sandals and jeans, and Kate watched him shamelessly.

"Is it as good as you remembered?" he asked, grinning.

"Better," she said, smiling to herself. She sighed. She knew her body wasn't the same after childbirth – but she hadn't wanted to share it with anyone before. He noticed she looked sad.

"What's up?" he asked, taking a step towards her. She was still wearing her shorts. She slid out of the plimsolls.

"You've improved," she said, stroking his stomach muscles. "I've definitely gone downhill."

Rick put his hands on her shoulders, and looked down at her.

"Bullshit," he said simply. He hooked his thumbs into her waistband, and tugged her shorts down. He kissed the shiny white stretch marks on the sides of her abdomen, and slid his hands up her long, elegant legs. He stood up again, and saw that she was biting her lip.

"I never thought I'd see Kate Beckett not confident in her own skin," he said gently.

"Never say never," she muttered.

"You are more beautiful now than you have ever been. We all have our scars," he said. "And you aren't bothered by mine, are you?"

Kate looked at his smooth, tan skin. He was right – now she was looking for them, she could see several marks on his chest, arms, and legs. She had barely even registered them.

"No," she said, shaking her head.

"Then stop moping. You're so hot – my lovely yummy Mommy."

Kate couldn't help but laugh. Rick turned on the shower, and kissed her again. She bit his lip instead of hers.

"That's more like it," he said into her mouth as they stepped under the running water, locked together in an embrace that wouldn't be broken for hours.

Kate woke up later than she'd woken in years, her naked body still tangled with Rick's. He was just waking up too – the sun was shining into his bedroom; it was already early afternoon. She sat up, a grin spreading across her face. He smiled at her, and sat up too, leaning on the headboard. She scooted back to lean on his chest, and he laughed.

"I don't know if you should be allowed to cuddle, after you held out on me last night."

Kate laughed. "I wouldn't call that holding out."

"Then you and I come from very different schools of thought."

She smiled up at him playfully. "No, I mean, obviously. But, we did plenty."

"You can say that again," he said, smiling wickedly. "And I guess, this way, we could still be described as taking it slow."

"Do you mind? I just... I actually don't know how I managed it. But-"

"It means a lot. You don't want to rush it. And no, I don't mind. I don't want to rush it either."

She laughed. "I wonder where the others are..."

"They'll have gone out. My mother hinted that she would make sure we were left to it this morning."

Kate grinned. "I'm sure she can read minds."

"I wouldn't be at all surprised. But I can read minds too."

Kate raised her eyebrows.

"It's true. Right now, you want three things. You want me to kiss you again – but sadly, that's lowest on the list. Second place is food. And I'll be going down to make you breakfast in just a moment. But most of all, you want to use the bathroom – you don't want to say so, because you don't want to get out of bed, but you really, really have to pee."

Kate hit him with a pillow.

"You only did that because I'm right. Go on," he said, and to his delight, she jumped out of bed and padded to the bathroom, letting him enjoy the view as she went. He got out of bed too, pulled on some shorts, and went to make the breakfast. Kate appeared downstairs in a few minutes, dressed in one of his t-shirts.

"You got anything on under that?" he asked.

She winked. "That's for me to know, and you to find out."

He laughed. "I'm looking forward to it." He pointed to a note on the table.

"They won't be back until after dinner – they're on a boat trip."

"Now I'm jealous," she said, looking at the note for herself. Rick tipped some pancake batter onto the griddle he had been heating, and Kate sauntered up behind him, sliding her hands around his waist.

"Don't distract me too much or I'll burn your breakfast," he teased.

"That wouldn't be the end of the world," she said, but her rumbling stomach gave her away. She let go of him to make some coffee, and slice some strawberries. She went round behind him again, and popped one into his mouth. He ate it, and then sucked the juice off her fingers.

"Ooh, last-night flashback," he joked. She kneed him in the back of the leg.

"What? I was just enjoying it again – what's wrong with that?"

She laughed. "Nothing. I just wanted to show you who was boss. _Again._"

He laughed with her, and flipped the last of the pancakes onto the griddle. She poured two mugs of coffee, and they sat down on the kitchen barstools to eat. When they were done, they washed up, then sat down on the couch with refilled coffee cups.

"Well, we're on to item number three," Kate said, showing him another of her best smiles as she put her cup down on the coffee table. Rick put his to join it, and moved in to kiss her, brushing her hair aside to get to the sensitive spot at the base of her neck. She shivered, and gripped his shoulders with her hands. She felt his hands slide under her shirt, well, his shirt, and enjoyed his gasp as he realised.

"You had _nothing _on underneath it?" he said in wonder.

She grinned. "I never have anything on under my clothes."

"That's very, very, old," he said, punctuating the phrase with kisses that moved down her body as he tugged at the neck of the shirt. She took it off, far more confident than she had been the night before. He noticed with pleasure, but didn't comment.

Their consciences finally drove them to tidy up the bathroom and bedroom upstairs, and get dressed to do something with what remained of the afternoon. Kate wore little white hot pants that she'd brought solely because they didn't take up much room – she hadn't worn them in years, and she hadn't really been planning to, and a vest. Rick made a face when he saw her.

"I hope you don't want to keep this, ah, _thing_, a secret, because I will not be able to keep my hands off you!"

Kate grinned. "I'm tired of secrets. And maybe I don't want your hands off me."

He laughed. "For that," he said, "I'm not even going to _try _and button this up." He left the Oxford shirt he had put on open, and stretched, purely for her benefit. She threw a balled up pair of socks at him, which he caught, to her surprise.

"Your reflexes have improved," she said, laughing. He threw them back at her, and she caught them inches from her face.

"And that would have been a good shot, too," she said, grinning.

"I actually played baseball," he said.

"You did? You do realise we're going to have to have a game now?" she said.

"I'll take you on any time," he said cheerfully. "But how about my game first, since we lack teams right now."

"Poker?"

"You know me too well, detective."

"Bring it."

"What will we bet?"

Rick frowned. "Favours – chips are favours. Or dares. Our choice."

Kate laughed. "I like the sound of that."

_**I hope you enjoyed that. This is not the end - after a little more fluff, I may have to stamp on the 'perfection' - alas, there is still more drama in their future. As always, thanks for reading - I am overwhelmed with all the amazing reviews I've been getting! Please continue to review, and yeah, you rock! Loads of hugs and loveballs, Z xxx**_


	35. Chapter 35

**_Sorry there was no chapter yesterday. But it was Burns Night, which is a very special Scottish holiday, and I was busy eating Haggis with my friends, and generally being raucous and entertaining._**

**_However, now I'm back to writing, and I very much hope you enjoy this chapter!_**

**Kate pulled another heap of chips towards her**, winking at Rick as he sighed.

"You done yet?" she asked. "You owe me..." she counted, "almost 500 dares or favours."

Rick groaned. "Yes, I'm done. I want to have some chips left."

"How many do you have?"

"Seven..."

"Well, you can keep them. And either they're dares of favours for me, or you can use one so you don't have to do something I ask you."

"How do you even come up with this stuff?"

"I live with a four year old – I'm surprised your 'game making' skills haven't improved since you've been back."

She pursed her lips. She always felt odd when she mentioned Rick's time away, especially when it coincided with him missing out on something to do with their son. He frowned, knowing what she was thinking about. Johnny called him Daddy now – she had to be happy about that.

In fact, she was undecided. She knew she had to stop punishing Rick, especially if she was serious about wanting to be with him – which she was. But she was still angry. He had missed so much... She counted up her chips, laughing. She would never ask him 493 favours in one holiday, but it was funny all the same. She liked having power over him. If she thought about it, she always had. Suddenly, she had a thought.

"One more game. For a switch – you win, you get my chips, I get yours."

Rick frowned again. "What happens if you win?"

Kate grinned. "I get everything – I like the idea of a clean sweep victory," she bluffed.

Rick was sure he was missing something. "Not poker, then. I'm not doing well with poker..."

Kate laughed. "You can say that again. So, what do you want to play?"

"I don't know... Why do you even want to play anything else?"

"What's life without a little risk?" she asked, and she managed to be convincing.

"Okay..." he said. "What about snap?"

Kate laughed harder. "Snap? Against my reflexes?"

Rick winked. "I'll take my chances."

"Okay, fine," Kate said, pretending she was giving in. Rick dealt the cards, and they played – she was careful to keep it even, winning a few rounds, but slowly the stack of cards in Rick's hand built up, and after not very long, she had let him win. He gloated hugely, and she feigned disappointment as she pushed her chips towards him. She wondered if she'd made a mistake – but she was almost testing him. She was very curious about what he would get her to do – she would find out just how much of a child he still was. She realised what she was doing was rather deceptive, but she didn't think Rick would mind – maybe she would even tell him one day. They checked the time – they still had a few hours before the others got back.

"It's only for the vacation," Kate reminded Rick. "I'm not doing this at home."

Rick laughed. "Don't worry, I'll use them all up."

"493 in three weeks – and we've already had two and a half days..."

"I guess I'd better get started, then," he said, with a smile on his face. "Kiss me."

Kate laughed. "You don't even need a chip for that one – I'd have done it for free. But, since you want to waste it..." She walked over and kissed him, really letting him have it. He groaned.

"I hope you take all my requests this seriously," he said when she broke away.

Rick wondered why she had risked it, why she had almost seemed to want to lose. She had pretended to be upset when he picked up the last of the cards, but he didn't think she really was. Maybe she just hadn't been able to think of anything to get him to do – he was finding it kind of difficult. She watched him struggle, and felt a little mean, but he would be okay.

"You can embrace the game, Rick. I don't mind – I know it's for fun," she said, smiling.

He shrugged. And then it dawned on him. He grinned. "I know what I'm going to do with all of my chips," he said happily. "There are a lot – so I think they're worth, say, you doing something for the whole three weeks."

"Like what?" she asked.

"I want you to do whatever you want. Your favour is to be selfish – to put yourself first. Let me handle anything you don't feel like doing."

Kate gaped at him. He really had changed – and he had beaten her at her own game. He laughed.

"I know you're testing me – I know you could have won. But that was your decision – and now I have won, you're still bound by the game."

Kate laughed. Rick winked. "And also, if you don't mind another favour?"

Kate shook her head.

"Great. I want you to tell me the truth. If I ask you anything, you have to tell me the absolute truth."

Kate smiled, and put her arms around him. "You have changed."

Rick grinned. "I know. So, what d'you want to do this afternoon?"

Kate smiled. "I think I'm... going to go swimming." She had had to think about it – she really wasn't used to deciding what to do. So much of her time was dictated by looking after Johnny, and also Alexis and Martha, that she rarely had a chance to do exactly what she wanted.

She walked outside. Rick followed her.

"Aren't you going to get changed?" he asked. She turned around, and smiled more.

"The others won't be back for a while. You aren't expecting visitors, are you? Anyway, this is how I always want to swim."

He was unable to answer. He watched her take off her clothes, and slide into the pool. She began to swim around, knowing he was watching her. Then he grinned, and took off his own clothes to join her. She stared openly at him, and he laughed.

"Taking this thing seriously, I see," he said as he got into the pool. She swam over to him and kissed him again.

"I have to. I lost, fair and square – what would it do to my integrity if I didn't?"

Rick laughed, and kissed her again. When they were dressed and back inside, Kate found a book, and Rick picked up his laptop. She looked sideways at him.

"How far does this doing what I want thing go?" she asked.

Rick didn't look up from the document he had just opened – he was about to start writing.

"As far as you like," he said, concentrating on typing. She bit her lip. Could she do this? For all the pushing around she did at work, pushing Rick around was different. She was very used to pleasing the people she lived with, getting on with things, and not being a nuisance. She didn't know if she would be able to be so demanding. He looked up, and saw her expression. He smiled.

"Don't be chicken – tell me what you want then," he said, and she smiled.

"Close your laptop," she said quietly. He did. "Come over here," she said, and he stood in front of her – she was sitting in an armchair. She stood up, then blushed. Rick touched her cheek.

"By the power vested in me by our game of snap, I demand you tell me what you're thinking."

She smiled. "I'm thinking I want to take your shirt off."

"Why?"

"Because..."

He moved his hands to hers, and put them on the buttons of his shirt.

"Because I like the way you look without it."

He smiled. "That wasn't so hard."

He waited while she unbuttoned it, and slid it off his shoulders.

"Now what do you want to do?" he asked her.

"Go for a walk?" she suggested. "On the beach?"

He grinned. "You can see why I used the chips for this. Everything you say is a question, or you're embarrassed about it. Just make me – you're so tough at work – be like that. _Tell me_ what we're doing."

She grinned. "Okay, smart-ass, we're going for a walk on the beach."

"Better," he teased, and took her hand. They walked outside, through the garden and onto the shore. Rick stroked her hand with his fingers, and she smiled.

"What are you thinking now?" he asked.

"Does this come under the truth thing?"

"Of course."

"Okay... I was thinking about why I don't tell people what to do at home."

"Did you come to a conclusion?"

"Sort of. I think... I mean, before you guys, I hadn't had a family since my Mom died. And then, after you left, and I moved in with Martha and Alexis, I knew I was a guest. I just tried to be useful, I didn't want to be waited on when they were being so overly kind and generous. I wasn't paying rent, and after I had Johnny, they looked after him so much for free. Being helpful and useful was the only thing I could do to begin to repay them. And it kept me busy. And I mean, I'm living in your house. I had your baby, but he isn't inside me any more – you don't have to look after me just because I had him."

Rick let go of her hand, and put his arm around her. "We want to look after you. And I know my mother isn't the best at tidying up after herself but-"

"No, that's not why... I mean, I do clean up after her, but she would do it if I didn't get there first. I just... I want to be a part of the family."

Rick laughed. "You'd fit in better if you were self-centred and demanding all the time."

Kate shook her head. "That's not true. You're not. I thought you were, but you're not."

"I'm liking this honesty thing. Do you have any other secrets I'd be interested to know?"

Kate blushed. Rick smiled. "You look so beautiful when you're embarrassed. But you still have to answer – don't worry, I'm not going to make you tell me anything you're uncomfortable with – just say, if you want to stop."

Kate paused. "Okay. Then, yes. I do have secrets from you, that you would be interested to know."

Rick smiled. "Why?"

"You mean, why haven't I told you?"

Rick nodded.

"I guess... I don't know. I want to say I'm not ready, but if that's true, I don't know how I ever will be. I suppose... Being strong, being Johnny's Mom, even... Even thinking you were never coming back. It all made me close off a bit, you know? It's as though I built up a wall around my heart – I think I started doing it when I was nineteen. And although I obviously feel things, and show my emotions sometimes... I'm afraid to let anyone in."

"I understand, I think."

Kate smiled. "Any more questions?"

Rick winked. "Do you know that I love you?"

Kate breathed in sharply, but managed to relax herself again. "Yes," she said quietly. Rick pulled her even closer to him – they stopped walking, and he gave her a proper hug.

"And how do you feel about that?" he asked gently.

She couldn't think of a word at first. Then she smiled a little. "Awesome," she said, and he laughed loudly.

"I'm glad to hear it."

She wondered if he wanted her to tell him she loved him too. He didn't ask though – he asked a few more stupid questions on the way back to the house, but he didn't ask anything else where she would have had an opportunity to tell him she returned his affection. He knew she did, anyway. He knew her well enough to know she would never have done what they did the night before if she didn't have extremely strong feelings for him. But she was glad he didn't ask, because if she told the absolute truth, she didn't know if she would be able to say she loved him, or that she was in love with him. She cared about him as much as she knew how, so if you looked at it like that, yes, she loved him.

But thinking about the past, and everything she'd been through, she didn't know if she was able to be truly in love any more. She loved Johnny, but that was protective, motherly love. There was still a part of her heart that was closed off. Being with Rick was fun – he could make her feel relaxed, and free, and comfortable in her own skin. Having him love her was wonderful, heavenly. But she had two problems. The first was, she didn't think she did anything like the same things to him. She believed that he loved her, and it did make her feel 'awesome' – but she thought she must be, and she definitely had the potential to be, a very high maintenance girlfriend. The second was, she still didn't feel ready to expose herself. That was part of the reason she hadn't had sex with him – but it went deeper than that. Sex was sex – and they had done everything but. The real deal was, if she loved him, she would have to give herself to him. She would have nothing left. She wouldn't be angry about him leaving any more, but also, she would have nothing to herself. Right now, that pain was hers – if they were _in love_, that pain would be his too.

And also, Johnny. When Johnny had called Rick 'Daddy' she had been over the moon. It had been fantastic, it had been what everyone had been waiting for. But a little part of Kate felt almost resentful. She had tried to work out why, and she had come to the conclusion that no matter how close she wanted him to be to his father, she still thought of Johnny as her son. She knew it was selfish, and she felt terrible for even thinking it, but Johnny was hers. She didn't want to share him. He loved her more than anyone in the world. He was a part of her soul. And she was scared that if he started belonging to Rick, he would stop belonging to her so completely.

She knew it wasn't rational; she knew Johnny would always love her. But the fear wouldn't leave.

And if she was thinking about fear, she also thought about her fear of attachment. Her life had taught her over and over that the people you love leave you. If she loved Rick, what would happen to her if he left? And what would happen to Johnny? In a way, growing up without his father had made Johnny safe – Rick had been unreliable. Kate believed he had changed, and she didn't think her fears were grounded. She knew Rick wasn't going anywhere. But there were times when she was still afraid.

As she thought through all of this, Rick walked beside her in silence, and when she looked up at him, he didn't ask what she had been thinking about. They arrived back at the house, and Kate said, if she was being selfish, she'd like to sit out in the garden by herself for a while. Rick nodded, and began to prepare some food. He watched her from the kitchen window, hoping the look of terror he had seen flashing across her face had been a figment of his imagination.

_**Well I did say there would be drama... Thanks for reading, please review, and no Hannah, they're not going to break up (permanently. Or maybe not at all...), it'll be okay I promise. In the end...**_

_**Loads of love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	36. Chapter 36

**Rick was still cooking when Martha, Alexis and Johnny got back. **Johnny was exhausted, but denied it, and even Alexis looked a little drained.

"Did you have fun?" Rick asked.

Alexis nodded. "It was, ah, very exciting," she said, looking at Johnny. Johnny looked around.

"Where's my Mommy?" he said, rather too loudly.

Martha sighed, and said she was going upstairs. Alexis looked apologetically at her father, and said she was going upstairs to call Max. Johnny asked again, even louder.

"Where's Mommy?!"

Rick tried to calm him.

"Why don't you go upstairs and put your pyjamas on, and then I'll come up and tell you a story in a few minutes?"

"No! I want my Mommy!" Johnny yelled, building up for a full scale tantrum.

"Mommy's resting right now-"

"Mommy!" Johnny screamed, and began to cry. Rick tried to comfort him, but he just screamed louder when Rick came close. Rick opened the French windows – Kate was still sitting, looking out at the ocean. Johnny was still screaming – and as soon as she heard him, Kate came running inside. She didn't hug him though. She stood in the doorway, her voice quiet, icy and firm.

"Johnny. It's past your bedtime. Go upstairs, get ready for bed, and I will be up in a minute."

He took a deep breath, then began to shout again.

"No! I don't want to go to bed! I'm not tired!"

Kate waited until he had stopped screaming, keeping her face stony.

"John Richard, go upstairs right now, and get ready for bed. I will be there in ten minutes. I'm going back outside now – if you are not in your bed, with clean teeth, in ten minutes when I come up, there will be trouble."

Rick watched, stunned, as Johnny stopped screaming, pouted, and walked slowly upstairs. Kate saw his expression, caught his eye, shrugged, and went back outside. She was still thinking. She was still frightened. She had no idea if she was doing the right thing. At least Johnny still did what she said.

The ten minutes passed, and as they did, she put everything in a box, and locked it tight.

Johnny was in bed, and he had been crying. He sat up when she came in. She sat on the edge of the bed.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. She pulled him into a hug.

"That's okay," she said gently, and held him tight. "Did you have a good day?"

Johnny smiled. "Yeah. It was great. I like boats."

Kate smiled. "That's good. You ready to sleep now?"

"Can I have a story?"

Kate hated this part. "'Fraid not, honey. You were screaming and arguing, you know the rules."

"But..." Johnny said quietly.

"Sorry, Johnny. But it's okay – you settle down to sleep now, I'll kiss you goodnight, and there'll be a story tomorrow."

Johnny sighed. "Okay." He lay down, and Kate tucked him in, and kissed him goodnight.

"Goodnight Mommy. I love you," he whispered.

"Goodnight Johnny. I love you too."

Kate went back downstairs, where Rick was waiting for her. He had finished their dinner – home made Chinese. She bit her lip. He looked at her – his blue eyes had a way of piercing her soul, and she knew he could tell something was wrong.

"Kate," he said quietly, "should I be worried?"

She thought hard. "I don't know. No. I'm with you... I'm just scared."

"Of what?"

"Everything."

Rick smiled. "So is everyone else. You don't have to do it all in one. Just keep taking baby steps."

"You're scared? What are _you _scared of?"

Rick took her hand.

"I'm scared that I won't be enough. Every day, I wake up wondering if you'll still be here, and I thank God I haven't driven you away – but I'm always scared I will. I know I'm an idiot – I make bad decisions – I made so many. And I'm scared that you will decide that I'm not a good father for your son, and that you don't want me in your life – which would be completely justified, of course. I left – it was stupid, but it made me better, I think. But I'm scared you won't forgive me. I'm scared you'll leave. I'm scared Alexis will give up on me. I'm scared people will finally realise I'm a lazy asshole who sits around all day making shit up for far too much money. And most of all, now, I'm scared that you won't want to be with me."

Kate took a deep breath. "You're not a lazy asshole, Rick."

He smiled. "A lot of people would disagree."

"No they wouldn't."

She kissed him gently, and he wiped away the tears streaking down her face.

"What are you scared of, Kate?"

She bit her lip. "I'm scared to let go."

"To let go of what?"

"Of my mother. Of my pain. Of... suffering alone, being strong and useful. I... I want to be more than who I am. But I'm scared that I can't. I've built up so many walls... and I... I'm scared they won't come down."

Rick kept his hand on her face. "They don't have to come down. I'll climb over them if I have to. You're worth it."

She leaned into his palm, and he smiled gently. She smiled back.

"You, climb a wall?" she managed to joke. He laughed.

"There you are. I've missed you, this afternoon. And, yes, I can climb walls."

Kate laughed too. "I don't believe you. You'll have to show me."

"I will. Tomorrow. Johnny'll think I really am a superhero. Are you hungry?"

Kate nodded. "But, you made Chinese. So we should eat it in bed."

"Ooh, she says what she wants. Your wish is my command, detective. Would you bring the wine?"

Kate bit her lip. "No. I don't want to drink."

Rick looked at her searchingly, and she stared back with as much defiance as she could muster.

"Okay. No wine. Some water, then?"

Kate grabbed two bottles of water, and followed him upstairs. He went to his room, and she sat on the bed, tucking herself in. He put a plate on her lap, and handed her some chopsticks. Then he settled himself beside her. They ate quietly, and when they were finished, Rick put the plates on the floor. He took a swig of water.

"Can I guess why you don't want to drink?" he asked.

"Sure."

"Will you tell me if I get it right?"

"_If _you get it right, yeah."

He smiled. "I think you don't want to drink, because we haven't had sex yet, this time around. And when we did, before, the first time, we were both drunk out of our minds. And although we did it again when we were sober, you aren't sure if we would have done any of it if it hadn't been for all that drinking on the first night. And I _hope _you don't want to drink, because you want to have sex. Am I at least warm?"

Kate smiled. "It's a very good suggestion. And you are warm, I guess. I mean, it's a factor. But... if it's okay, I don't want to have sex. I assume I'm still bound by the selfish and honest thing?"

"You threw the game, so it's kind of up to you. But, say, for the sake of argument, you are – do you want to have sex?"

"No. I want to have... fun. But not that much."

"Why are you waiting? Not that I mind, I mean, there are lots of totally valid reasons – I'm just curious."

Kate blushed. "You'll think it's _really _stupid."

"I promise not to laugh."

"Okay... I don't want to have sex because I think it's... well, important. Or, I want it to be important. It's possible to have mindless sex, one night stand type stuff. But we've already done that. I want to wait until doing that with you is doing it with someone I..." she trailed off. It was on the tip of her tongue. _Someone I'm in love with. _But she didn't say it. She didn't need to. Rick understood already.

"It's not stupid. I think it's...awesome," he said, borrowing her word from earlier. She couldn't help but laugh, even though he'd said it with such a serious expression. He laughed too, and she fell into his warm body, and he held her tight.

"So, why the lack of alcohol, then?"

"Well, the rest of what you said is right. I want to enjoy this while I'm sober."

"Enjoy what, exactly?" he said, and she laughed. She kissed him, letting it last until she really had to breathe. She pulled away, gasping. Rick sighed.

"You can do better than that. I thought you were a swimmer?"

Kate laughed. "I prefer martial arts."

"You should learn that round breathing thing. We should both do it – then we could kiss forever."

"Nah. We'd get bored if we could kiss forever."

"Now I have to prove you wrong. Before I start – what's a kiss? I mean, as long as one mouth is involved, that counts?"

Kate laughed, and nodded.

"Okay. Please note the time – it is 8.34pm. Since we just have one night, what time should we call 'forever'?"

Kate laughed more, and didn't answer. Rick took off his shirt, and moved in to take hers off too.

"I'm going to say, midnight? So, if you're bored before midnight, I'm wrong. Deal?"

Kate nodded, grinning at him. "What if I fall asleep?"

"I suppose we'll have to count that as bored. I don't suppose I'm allowed to feed you coffee?"

"Nope. No stimulants."

"Ah, Beckett. _I _am your stimulant."

"I'm bored already," she said, lying back against the headboard. He rolled his eyes at her, and undid her shorts, then slid her out of them. He tugged her down the bed so she was lying flat on her back – and according to his terms, proved her wrong.

At midnight, Kate said she wanted to go and wash up.

"The dirty plates have been keeping me awake," she said. Rick made a face, and threw his shirt at her. He put on his boxers, and picked up the plates. They crept downstairs, and quietly cleaned the dishes. When that was done, Rick winked at her.

"Permission to gloat?"

"Permission granted. Although, it might affect what I _want _to do now."

"I'm intrigued. What do you want to do now?"

"Well. You were proving a point. And you did persuade me."

"I know. You agreed with me very enthusiastically. Several times. In fact, you were so vocal in your agreement we had to cover your mouth so you didn't disturb everyone else."

Kate blushed, but she was smiling. "So. As I was saying, you brought me around to your way of thinking. And I think it's my turn to keep you, uh, not bored."

Rick grinned. "That is a good suggestion. Back to the bedroom, then?"

She took his hand, and pulled him upstairs with her. He laughed. She looked at the clock.

"So, until four?"

Rick smiled. "As long as you want – you're still bound to be selfish."

"I have a very powerful conscience. If I'm not being fair, I'm not happy."

"Okay. Then, until four, or until you're tired. And no – I didn't get coffee, so neither do you."

She stuck her tongue out at him, then locked his bedroom door.

_**Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it, and please review. I've had a few reviews saying Rick (and one saying Kate too) is OOC - though I'm trying to keep them in character, they're in situations which the TV characters haven't ever been in, so it has to come out of my head. If you want TV Caskett, have a Castle marathon (and honestly, what better thing could you do with your Saturday?). That said, I know what I write can't appeal to everyone, and I thank you for reading as much as you have, and taking the time to leave a comment. You're awesome - I am still chuffed when one person follows my story - when hundreds of people do it, it's almost scary. I will always be grateful for ALL your reviews, and I think you are wonderful people! Loads of love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	37. Chapter 37

**They were woken at 8 the next morning **by a furious pounding on the door. Kate groaned, and gave Rick a shove to wake him too. He muttered something unintelligible, and she hit him again.

"Richard," Martha sang through the door. "I know you two were busy last night, but you're part of this family, and we are all going on the hike today."

Rick put a pillow over his head, but Kate took it away, and dragged herself out from under the covers.

"We'll be right with you," she called through to Martha, tugging Rick's arm.

"Go away," he mumbled. "Or better yet, get back into bed with me."

Kate sighed. She didn't feel much like hiking either. But they had agreed, and Johnny was looking forward to it. Rick opened his eyes, wincing as the savage daylight attacked his pupils. He sat up, and watched Kate disappear into the bathroom, throwing him a _look _before she closed the door.

An hour later, after a quick breakfast, they were walking along the shore, on the way to a path that actually went away from the coast. Rick let Johnny ride on his shoulders, and Kate admired the picture of father and son, burying her fears from the day before deep inside. She knew they weren't grounded.

She walked beside Alexis. Martha led the group, full of energy as always. She bit her lip, the lingering traces of her anxiety still pinching at her. She was comfortable, though. She was happy – as happy as she could be, with the walls around her heart. But those years of crawling inside her pain had left her stranded, trapped somewhere she no longer wanted to be, but didn't know how to get out of.

She chatted to Alexis. The conversation with Max had gone well – Alexis had forgiven him, and was bright and breezy again. Their path began a slight incline, and Kate almost expected Rick to give her a turn with Johnny – but she had forgotten how much fitter he was now. It was Kate that was going to be lagging behind if she didn't concentrate.

"This motherhood thing," she panted, "really takes it out of you."

Rick laughed. "Don't worry – you just need to get used to frequent, strenuous exercise."

From the look in his eyes he made sure only she saw, Kate could tell he was not talking about hiking. She grinned, and pushed herself to surge ahead of him, overtaking Martha to get to the top of the hill, and stare out at the breathtaking view.

Everyone else reached the top soon after, and they all looked out at the horizon. Johnny didn't understand what all the fuss was about, but he looked with them. Rick put him down, and he sauntered over to Kate, taking hold of her hand.

"Are you still cross with me?" he asked quietly. Kate gasped.

"What? No sweetie, of course not. Why would you think so?"

Johnny bit his lip. "You aren't playing with me so much. I mean, I like playing with Alexis and Grams, and Rick-"

It was back to Rick.

"-but I like you better."

Kate almost cried. She thought of herself over the last couple of days, and wanted to cry.

"I'm so sorry. I'll play with you for the rest of the holiday, if you want."

Johnny smiled. "I know you do other things. It's okay."

Kate felt her gut clench – she should not be hearing this from her four year old. He deserved to be her whole world – and she had been all but ignoring him. She knelt down, and pulled him into a hug.

"No, honey. This is going to be _our _holiday from now on."

Johnny smiled more. "Really?"

"Really."

"Can you walk with me on the way back?"

"Of course. You want to walk, then?"

Johnny nodded.

"Okay, you got it."

"Maybe the others will go ahead..." he said quietly. Kate nodded. She went to speak to Rick, knowing that the meat of the topic would have to be saved for later, and simply told him that she and Johnny were going to stay at the top for a little longer. Rick agreed to leave with Martha and Alexis, although he was very confused. Johnny watched them leave, and sat beside Kate on a rock.

"I like it when it's just us," he said quietly.

"Me too," Kate answered honestly. She was full of guilt, and she didn't know what to do. She had been worrying about herself, and how a change in her relationship with Rick would affect _her, _and yet she had forgotten about her son – even though he had been her whole world just a few months ago. She bit her lip, but Johnny soon soothed her.

His happy conversation cheered her heart, and she knew she would be able to make it up to him. They set off walking, and she let him set the pace, stopping to look at things with him, and answering his many, many questions.

She continued to give him her undivided attention throughout the day. She ate an early dinner with him, and gave him a bath before putting him to bed. She told him a long story involving lots of trains, and stroked his hair until he fell asleep with a smile on his face. Alexis and Martha had gone out to have dinner – they had invited her, but she had turned them down, saying she was tired. They let it slide, putting it down to wanting to be alone with Rick.

When she finally went downstairs, Rick cornered her, and sat her down.

"I know this is your selfish holiday, but-"

"But forget that. I hate myself already."

"What?!"

"I'm a mother. I can't just go and be selfish. We're not seventeen, Castle!"

"What does that mean?"

"It means I've been ignoring everything important, and you've been helping me. I've been ignoring Johnny."

"No you haven't..."

"I have. He's noticed the change, and take yesterday – I'm on vacation – when I'm not at work, I'm with him."

"Look, I'm sorry, but this doesn't affect us, does it?"

"I don't see how it wouldn't..."

"Kate. You can't give this up."

She saw the look on his face, and couldn't help but stroke his cheek. Her eyes softened. "I'm not going to. But... I don't know. I'm so confused. I just want to give Johnny a good holiday..."

Rick smiled, and pulled her close to him. "You lock up so much inside yourself."

She pulled back. "I don't mean to. But... We've been on our own so long. I realised it would be weird for him, factoring someone else in. But I guess... Aside from accepting you as.. you, I have to accept you as his father. And I want to. But it's still-"

"Weird," he finished for her. She still wouldn't let him hold her again.

"I feel like what you're doing is a metaphor for your whole life," he said gently.

"What do you mean?"

"You want me to hold you. I know you like it. And sometimes you let me. But now, even though you want it, you're pushing me away."

Kate bit her lip, and he gently pulled it out from under her teeth with his thumb.

"But you don't have to. You deserve what you want. The bet thing is dumb. But the reason I did it – and I suspect, the reason it made you happy for a little while, is because although you can't think only about yourself, your feelings should be thought about too."

Kate nodded.

"And as for Johnny, I should have thought of it too. We're both at fault – but he's already forgiven you, and there's no point in beating yourself up about it. And he had a good time yesterday – so there really isn't much to feel guilty for. If you're with him but miserable, that's no better than being away from him."

Kate couldn't quite agree with that, because she didn't think she would be miserable with Johnny. But she did understand.

"So, what do we do?" she asked.

Rick smiled. "Well, your number one responsibility is fast asleep, and I would suggest that you get some sleep as well."

Kate laughed. "I don't want to sleep."

Rick winked. "But you will. You need it – you got so little last night, and after using up so much energy..."

Kate swatted him.

"That's another thing Johnny gets from you," she said quietly.

"What?"

"You both make me feel calm, almost instantly. I was so ready to drive myself crazy over this – but after an afternoon with him, and a conversation with you, everything seems so much clearer."

Rick tugged her towards him, and this time she didn't resist.

"You worry too much. And I'm glad our son has inherited the trait to stop you."

Kate folded herself into him, and let him run his hands through her hair.

"I still feel... so far away sometimes, Rick."

He lifted her face so she was looking into his eyes.

"So fight to come back," he said quietly. She felt a tear trickle down her cheek.

"You're always going to have those scars, Kate. So do what you need to do. Beat the living daylights out of me, pour out your soul while I dry your tears, even see someone – whatever it takes, I _know _you can get there."

She shivered, suddenly cold, and he wrapped her up in his arms again.

"I am here," she said. "Most of the time."

"I know. You just have your moments."

"I like _our _moments. And yours."

Rick laughed. "You're a tease even when you're sniffling into my shirt."

"Sorry. Maybe you should take it off, I don't want to spoil it."

He grinned, and she smiled up at him.

"You want to sleep now?"

She nodded. He led her upstairs, and she undressed. She put on one of his shirts, and climbed into bed where he was waiting with open arms. She relaxed into him, and much as she had stayed with her son, he held her until she fell asleep, tracing patterns on her shoulder with his finger.

_**Sorry, kind of angsty again, but I am an angsty person... Thank you so much for reading, please review, and stay fantastic and amazing and crazy awesome! Loads of love, Z xxx**_


	38. Chapter 38

**Kate woke up early the next morning**, still in Rick's arms. She didn't want to move – she felt so safe and comfortable – but she knew she had to. She wriggled out of bed, and got into the shower. Then she got dressed in a baggy t-shirt and skinny jeans – it was raining outside. She sighed – she liked the rain, but she had promised to take Johnny to the beach. She went downstairs, and wasn't surprised to find him up already – it was after seven, and he had always been an early riser. He had a train, and was scooting it around the furniture. When he saw Kate, he grinned.

"Mommy!" he said, and ran up to her.

"Hi, Officer CB. Did you sleep well?"

"Yes. Did you?"

"Very."

"In Rick's room?"

Kate felt a little colour rise to her cheeks.

"Yeah," she answered. Johnny didn't ask anything else though – Kate wondered how he explained it to himself. He pointed the train at her.

"You're under arrest!" he said suddenly. She grinned.

"So we're playing cops now?"

"Did you bring the cuffs?"

Kate laughed, and told him she'd be right back. She fished the cuffs out of her case, which was now in Rick's room, and glanced at his still-sleeping form. Cute. She brought her badge down too, and the key to the cuffs. Johnny grinned when he saw her holding them, and put down the train. She handed him the cuffs, and clipped the badge to his pyjama top. She kept the key in her pocket.

Johnny grinned.

"What did you do?" he asked.

Kate looked around, then snatched up the train.

"I stole something," she said, smiling. Johnny pretended to gasp.

"You're a criminal, Mommy, and I'm going to arrest you! But I need backup."

He put his hand to his ear and mouth.

"This is officer CB, badge number 41319, calling for backup – 10-13 in the living room in Dad's Hamptons house!"

Kate laughed. "Did you guess 10-13?"

"No. It means assist police officer, right?"

"Yes, you're right."

"And 10-20's a robbery, isn't it? Aren't you going to run?"

Kate laughed, and ran away, slowly, dodging around the couch, but letting him catch her.

"Katherine Beckett, you are under arrest for stealing my train." He took the cuffs, and with the air of someone who had done this before, cuffed her hands in front of her. She laughed. He took his train back.

"You're going to jail," he said happily.

Kate got up and went to make a cup of coffee – something she had done one handed before, but never handcuffed. Rick came down, and laughed when he saw her.

"Beckett, why are you wearing handcuffs?"

"Because I caught her," Johnny said proudly.

Rick went into the kitchen.

"Need a hand?" he asked as he took over. Kate gave in and stopped trying, but pointed to her pocket. Rick saw what she was getting at, and when Johnny wasn't looking, slid his hand in and took out her key. His hand might have lingered in her pocket more than was strictly necessary, and as he unlocked the cuffs, he muttered in her ear,

"These might be going back on later."

Kate laughed, and slid her hands out of the cuffs. She rubbed her wrists dramatically, and put the key back in her pocket. She crept over to Johnny, and put her hands over his eyes.

"How did you escape?" he asked, laughing. "Daddy, did you help her?"

Rick laughed too. "I plead the fifth."

Johnny turned around and faced Kate.

"What's the fifth?"

"It's short for the fifth amendment. And it means you aren't legally obliged to testify against your spouse or partner. But Rick, I'm not your spouse."

"And he's not your partner, I am," Johnny added.

Rick came over and handed Kate her coffee – he gave Johnny a mug of milk.

"Different kind of partner. Anyway, maybe I could be her partner too?"

Johnny considered this. "I guess. But only when I'm not there."

Rick laughed. "Deal." He looked outside – he knew about the beach plan, he'd overheard Kate make the promise the day before.

"It's still raining cats and dogs," he said, frowning at the view through the French windows.

"Why's it called cats and dogs?" Johnny asked. Kate looked at Rick, but he just shrugged.

"I'm afraid neither of us know," Kate told him.

"It sounds funny," he said happily. "Mommy, can we still go to the beach?"

Kate thought about it. "If you really want. But we'll be soaked in seconds."

"I don't mind. I like the rain. I could wear my swimming clothes. And then we could go swimming in the rain."

Rick began humming the tune to 'Singin in the rain'. Kate made a face. Rick laughed.

"My mother will be singing it later for sure."

Johnny looked from one parent to the other, then settled on Kate.

"I'm going to get ready. Then can we go?"

Kate smiled. "After breakfast, sure."

Johnny looked sad. "Do we have to wait for everyone to be awake?"

"No, just for you to be dressed," she said. He smiled again.

"Can we still have lunch in the cafe?"

Kate grinned. "Yep – we don't have to come home all day – until you want to."

Johnny smiled even more, then hurried upstairs. Kate followed him, taking back her badge. She went to put the cuffs away, then had a thought, and put them under her pillow instead. She put the key in the night stand drawer, and just put her badge back in her case. She felt good even at the thought of teasing Rick. She changed into her bikini, and put some shorts and one of Rick's shirts over it, and borrowed Rick's waterproof jacket as well. She was drowned in it, but the hood was adjustable, and it would keep her dryer than anything else.

Johnny laughed when he saw her, and pulled on the toggles for the hood until just her nose was sticking out. He led her downstairs, and she heard more laughter – Rick was watching.

"You look adorable," he said. "My jacket suits you far better than it suits me."

Johnny had a dark blue 'police' waterproof. When she could see again, Kate saw Rick looking at it.

"The boys..." she said, by way of explanation.

"Does it come in adult sizes?" was his response. Kate rolled her eyes at him, and after giving Johnny a bowl of cereal, followed him outside.

"We'll be back soon," she said, and Rick laughed.

"No we won't."

Kate ruffled her son's hair.

"Ooh, money for lunch," she said. Rick handed her two twenties from his pocket.

"I feel like a kept woman," she muttered.

"What's a kept woman?"

Johnny had wonderful hearing. Rick laughed again, hearing Kate's truthful but toned down explanation as they went outside – then the door slammed shut in the wind, and he watched the already drenched pair scurry through the rain. He heard Johnny squeal with delight, and when Kate turned back to the house, there was a grin on her face too. He was glad she seemed so happy – he hoped they would have a great day.

Rick spent the day with Martha and Alexis, playing cards, watching TV, and baking cookies. Johnny and Kate didn't get back until about 3pm – soaked to the skin, they stripped off in the kitchen, then ran back outside to get in the pool. Rick followed them cautiously.

"Can I join you?" he asked, not wanting to interrupt their day together, but keen to be involved if they wanted him.

"Yes!" Johnny shouted. "Come on Daddy. I bet Mom's still waaay better than you at swimming."

Rick laughed. He looked at Kate.

"Yeah, c'mon Castle, the more the merrier."

He grinned, and jumped in, making a huge splash. The rain was making the pool overflow already – it hadn't stopped all day. It was surprisingly warm, though, and they stayed outside for over an hour.

When they came in, they were served hot chocolate and cookies by a smiling Alexis, and Martha handed them warm towels.

"I could get used to this," Kate said as she snuggled against Rick. Johnny was on her lap, and they were settled on the couch together, a picture perfect family.

Johnny was happy to go to bed early; then after a movie and a long conversation about the merits (or not) of musicals, Kate and Rick yet again found themselves alone downstairs. Kate was dressed in another of Rick's t-shirts, a pair of leggings, and some of his socks. Rick was wearing sweats – he often left tops out of his clothing ensembles, Kate had noticed.

"So – you tired yet?" he asked. Kate shook her head. Despite her active day, she felt full of energy.

"Did you have a good day?" she asked him.

"Yeah, it was great – it was nice to bond with Lex a bit more. She and Max seem to be fine now – my mother might even head back early, and take her to the airport so she can fly out and spend the rest of the vacation with him. What about you, how was your day?"

Kate smiled at the news about Alexis. "It was good – very wet, but fun. Johnny had a great time. I think we flooded the cafe, but we charmed our way out of it."

"I would expect nothing less," Rick said, smiling. "And how are you feeling, with regards to... well, everything?"

Kate took a deep breath. She had done very well at keeping her mind on other things all day, but Rick saw her face cloud with doubt as she let her guard down a little.

"I do feel a bit better. But... I don't know, I think it's just going to take time. So many changes."

"But I think they can be good ones."

Kate took a step towards him, and kissed him softly on the lips. "I know they are," she said quietly, and he held her close. "Just... slow," she added, as he slid his hands under her – although, again, it was actually his – shirt.

"I like it when you wear my clothes," he muttered as he kissed her neck.

"Why?" she breathed. "Because you want me to belong to you?"

He laughed. "No. Because you look hot."

_**Thanks for reading, please review! Love, Z xxx**_


	39. Chapter 39

**She ran her hands through his hair, **and went with him upstairs – but somewhere along the way, she tensed. He noticed, and stopped kissing her – they were almost in his room. He opened the door and they went inside – she sat down on the bed.

"Sorry-" she began, but he put up his hand.

"Don't be. I don't want to do anything with you when you're not ready."

Kate looked at the floor. "But I was ready – those nights, there was nothing I wanted more. And even five minutes ago..."

Rick sat down beside her and stroked her head. "It's this mind – this maddening, challenging, frustrating, wonderful mind. You worry too much, Kate."

She leaned against him. "I know," she replied. "But I don't know how not to."

Rick continued to comfort her. "You'll figure it out. You just need time. I know I hurt you-"

"No, Rick. It's not that. I mean, you did, but I've forgiven you."

"That's good to hear, but don't feel as though you have to say it for me. I would understand if you were still angry. Hell, I'm still angry with myself."

Kate reached out and patted his knee.

"I'm not angry. I'm just scared. And I'm damaged goods – I don't like being a dependant, and I'm relying on you so much. I don't want to add in being a terrible girlfriend to a situation where already, all I do is take."

"You can take whatever you want from me. It's all yours anyway."

Kate smiled up at him. "That's sweet, Rick. But I need an equal partnership. I wonder..." she began, but she trailed off, thinking.

"What?" he asked after a minute or so. "What do you wonder?"

Kate paused. "I wonder what it would have been like if you'd stayed. You put me at ease, you help me to let down my barriers – I wonder how long it would have taken with you by my side for me to feel ready for... well, to be with you, I guess."

Rick didn't say anything.

"I wonder how long it _will _take," Kate added, and at that he tightened his grip around her shoulders.

"I won't give up. I'll wait for you," he said gently.

"I know," she said quietly. "It makes me feel very guilty."

"You shouldn't. It's my fault. It's all my fault – from the beginning-"

"Don't go down that road again. We're past that. It was a joint thing, and I don't regret it."

"It must have been so hard," he said quietly. "Bringing up Johnny on your own..."

"It wasn't really hard," Kate lied. Rick took her up on it.

"Rubbish. I don't know how you can beat me at poker – it's obvious you're lying now."

Kate laughed. "I'm not trying so hard, I guess. And yeah, of course it was hard. But it was a good hard, you know?"

She lied better that time, and when she was satisfied that he believed her, she got off the bed and locked herself in the bathroom. But alone in the cold white room, as the bright light bounced off the walls, she looked in the mirror, and remembered just how bad it really had been.

_Martha was out – something to do with an acting studio. Johnny, the loudest one and a half year old in the history of time, had just stopped screaming, and was on Kate's lap. Her hair was greasy, she badly needed a shower, but more than anything, she needed sleep. She hadn't slept a full night in a week – Johnny was always such a good sleeper, but he had a cold, and nothing would soothe him. _

_It was about four in the afternoon. Kate tried to get comfortable on the couch, but her back and legs were aching, and she didn't want to move to much in case she woke Johnny again._

_She sniffed. Maybe Johnny wasn't the only one with a cold. Now that she'd started, she couldn't stop. She desperately tried to contain the coughing fit which now exploded through her body. Her throat was dry – she wanted a glass of water, but again, she didn't want to get up._

_She heard someone in the corridor, and the door opened. A tear stained Alexis marched through it, and slammed it hard behind her. The bang woke Johnny up, and he began wailing again. As if crying was contagious, Alexis started sobbing, and ran upstairs, leaving her bag and jacket in a heap on the floor._

_Kate wanted to call after her; she was concerned. But she didn't have the energy. Johnny screamed louder, and she put him over her shoulder, rubbing his back. He stopped yelling to cough, and Kate groaned as she felt him vomit down her back. Johnny wasn't crying any more, though. She carried him through to his room, and put him gently in his crib. He stayed quiet, and closed his eyes. She tiptoed out of the room, breathing quietly. She felt the air tug in her chest, and wondered if she should go to the doctor, but there was no way she would be able to get there._

_She had made it to her room and taken her shirt off before Johnny started crying again. She checked the time – she _had _taken him to the doctor, and he had some medication, but he couldn't have his next dose for another half hour. She couldn't leave him – it wasn't ordinary crying. _

_In just her bra, she hurried back to his room and hoisted him out of the crib – if she wasn't wearing a shirt, he couldn't ruin it. She felt hot and sticky too – it was November, but her forehead was burning. She sighed. She would see the doctor if she wasn't better by the time Johnny was. He seemed to calm down, a little, in her arms, and she went through to her room, thinking her bed might be more comfortable. _

_She leaned against the pillows, but even the gazillion thread count cotton that all 'Castle' sheets were made of felt rough and itchy against her back. She got up again, and Johnny screamed louder. Twenty seven more minutes until he could have the medicine. It probably wouldn't make a difference – she was pretty sure he had spat out the last dose. _

_She paced around her room. She wanted to open the window, but Johnny would be cold. There was a knock at the door._

"_Come in," she croaked weakly. The door opened, and her sixteen year old whatever-she-was came in. _

_Alexis' face was blotchy and red, and her eyes were puffy from crying._

"_I'm sorry I woke him," she said quietly._

"_That's okay – he would have woken up anyway. But, honey, are you okay?"_

_Alexis registered Kate's state of undress, and blushed, but Kate just shook her head._

"_I'm feeling a little feverish. As soon as he's sleeping I'll take a shower and I'll be fine. I'm more worried about you, sweetheart."_

_Normally, Alexis would have pushed the matter further, but she was so caught up in her own troubles that she nodded, and flopped down on the bed._

"_I broke up with Owen," she said, before dissolving into tears again. A wave of sympathy and sorrow washed through Kate, and she adjusted so she was holding Johnny with just one arm, and sat beside Alexis to comfort her._

_Alexis curled up, almost on Kate's lap, and poured out the miserable story. Kate listened, rocked Johnny, and when it was time for his medicine, she took out the ice cream and handed it to Alexis._

"_Here – this is your prescription," she said with a somewhat forced smile. Alexis smiled back, and flopped on the couch. She turned on the TV, and sniffled in front of Friends while Kate tried to persuade Johnny to swallow the foul smelling pick gloop that was supposed to make him better. She wondered if she could have some._

_When it became clear that he wouldn't take any, Kate washed the spoon, and poured some for herself. She tried valiantly to shove it down her throat, but couldn't help gagging, and it took a lot of effort to stop it from coming up again. She hugged Johnny tighter._

"_Wow, that stuff is gross," she whispered to him. "No wonder you won't eat it."_

_She wondered if he was hungry. He hadn't been eating anything, and he wasn't supposed to be breastfeeding any more, but she hadn't completely weaned him off until fairly recently, and she was still producing some milk. She sighed, and took him back to the bedroom. _

_He latched on straight away – he didn't take much, but at least it was something. And he was quiet. Kate felt relief surge through her – for the whole two minutes it took for him to start crying again. _

_She was exhausted. She wasn't coping. She was glad she hadn't had time to look in a mirror in weeks, because she knew she would hate what she saw. Cradling her screaming son, she wished with every fibre of her being that there could be someone there, someone to help her._

_But he hadn't written in months – his letters had been so regular, and the silence was terrifying. Was it not enough that he had left her temporarily? Before, she had still hoped he would come back. Every time the door clicked at an odd time, she and Alexis would both stare at it, willing it to be him. But it never was. And now he wasn't writing, and they were beginning to think something had happened to him._

_Face the truth, Kate, muttered a cruel voice in her head. He is never coming back._

_She imagined him bursting into the room, late home from a meeting, full of apologies. He took Johnny, who stopped crying immediately at the touch of his beloved father. Then he ran her a bath, and once she was clean and warm and dry, he held her until she was asleep, curled up in his strong, protective arms._

_She was jerked back to reality by an all too familiar smell. Johnny was almost potty trained, but she had put him back in diapers because he was ill. She put him down on the bed to adjust her bra, then stood up to take him through to his room._

_She swayed on her feet. Her head felt so strange, so light and fuzzy. _

_She hit the floor with a thud, but regained consciousness before anyone found her. She tried to call out to Alexis, but she found she had next to no voice. She pushed herself up to her knees. She was a cop, she was strong, she could do this. She supported herself with the side of the bed, and checked that Johnny was okay. He was still screaming, but he hadn't fallen or worked himself any nearer the edge. _

_She looked for her phone. It was on the nightstand. Her journey across the floor felt like a marathon, but she made it. She thought she might pass out again, but she managed speed dial five._

"_Hey, honey!" came the bright and cheery voice of her best friend. "Happy Birthday! Am I still on to come over after work?"_

_That did it. Kate leaned against the wall, and broke down into hysterical sobs. She hadn't even remembered. And she was fucking 30 now._

Rick was pounding on the bathroom door. Kate shook herself, and unlocked it, still in a daze from her vivid memory. He looked at her glazed over eyes, and hugged her until she was herself again. Kate felt the pain of that day, and the many others like it, stab into her body, and promised herself that she would never, ever tell him what it had been like.

_**Thanks for reading, please review. Sorry I haven't been keeping the chapters coming so quickly - but I have had class etc. However, there might well be another one tonight! It might even be happier... Loads of love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	40. Chapter 40

_**Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.**_

"Where were you, Kate?"

She stayed silent. She couldn't tell him. She couldn't. It would only hurt him, and she had forgiven him. Even then, the pain she had felt wasn't anger with him – it was desperation – she wanted him with her. She always had. But she was afraid.

She struggled out of his grip, and he looked stunned. She stared at him, in the too bright bathroom lighting.

"Why am I pulling away from you?" she asked. She was asking herself more than him; he could tell too. He watched her as the thoughts flickered across her brow.

She was remembering again.

_Johnny had just stopped crying. Kate looked down at him in his crib, and his big blue eyes opened. He smiled, and waved his hand up at her. She gave him her finger, and he grabbed on to it, his grip already so strong. He gurgled, and she smiled back at him._

"_You look just like your Daddy," she whispered, a single tear trickling down her cheek._

"_Dada," he said. Kate gasped. Her son was just eight months old! She stared at him, wondering if she'd misheard. But she knew in her heart that she hadn't._

"_Yes, Johnny," she whispered. "I said you look just like your Daddy."_

"_Dada," he said again. She cried more, gripping the side of the crib, smiling as the salty water poured down her face._

_Later that night, she took the letter out of Storm Fall, which lived permanently on her nightstand. _

"_Dear CB,_

_You don't know me, but I'm your father. Your Mom has probably been way too kind when she described me to you – you're smart, I know you will have asked. I grew up never knowing who my father was, and it still niggles at my mind today. I know your Mom won't have kept me a secret from you. _

_The reason I am not in your life is because I did a terrible thing. I betrayed your mother's trust, several times, and I was too blind to see that I loved her. She was my best friend, and we had so much fun planning to be your parents. I know she'll be good at it._

_You aren't born yet, and I don't know what your name will be, or what you'll be like, but I know that by now she will have raised you to be good, kind, and that you will value the truth, and knowledge._

_The truth is a very important thing, CB. If I have one piece of advice for you, it's stick to the truth. There are different ways to tell it, and I don't mean be an idiot and tell your girlfriend that her ass really does look big in that dress – but the real truth. That's what's important. When you love someone, don't leave it too late, and don't pretend you're just friends because it's easier and simpler to be with someone else. Tell them the truth – and that way, at least you'll know._

_I will always love you, and I think about you all the time._

_Dad."_

_She read it out loud to herself, careful not to make the paper wet with her tears. She imagined it in Rick's voice, imagined him writing it, thinking about his son before he even knew him. She put the letter down, and hugged herself._

"_...I was too blind to see that I loved her."_

He had loved her. He had loved her, all that time, and she had loved him. She had been so blind too.

"I didn't believe it," she said quietly.

"What?"

"The letter. That you gave him, when you left. I didn't believe that you loved me."

Rick put his hands on her shoulders.

"I don't blame you. Do you believe it now?"

Kate bit her lip. "I don't understand it. But yes, I believe it."

"You don't understand..?"

"I'm a mess, Castle. I'm a mess, with a kid, and a job, who's living in your house, off your money... I'm damaged goods, Castle."

"Everybody's fucking damaged goods, Kate. And if you're a mess, you are the most beautiful, wonderful, perfect mess I have ever seen."

"But I... I hardly know who I am. Since I found out who killed her, now it's over, I don't know who I am without it."

Rick guided her until she was in front of the mirror, and forced her to look at herself.

"Look. Tell me what you see."

Kate bit her lip, and tried to turn away. He made her keep looking.

"I don't know, okay!" she shouted, frustrated. Her voice resonated in the room, sounding almost as though it wasn't coming from her.

"Yes you do," he said firmly. "Now look."

She made herself look, feeling stupid and inadequate.

"I see a... a girl. A... a mom? I don't know," she said again.

"You're doing fine. Keep going."

Kate fiddled with her hair.

"Think of it like you're looking at someone else – like you're profiling a suspect, say," he suggested.

Kate looked again.

"Uh... Nervous. Scared. Easy – but closed. Hard to get her to talk."

"Want to know what I see?"

Kate nodded cautiously.

"You don't love yourself."

"What?" she asked, confused.

"You don't love yourself," he repeated. "You don't even want to look. And when I make you, you cast your eyes down, and won't meet your own. You're beating yourself up, even subconsciously. You seem almost ashamed."

"I'm hurting you," she stammered. "I feel terrible. I'm doing everything wrong!"

He gripped her upper arms, standing behind her, still opposite the mirror. He met her eyes with his reflection.

"Katherine Houghton Beckett, give yourself some credit. Stand up straight. Meet that woman's eyes, and let her know you're going to kick her ass. Own her. Own yourself. You are the strongest person I know. You have accomplished so much. You have done wonderful things, and every day I am amazed by and in awe of the depths of your strength, and your heart. You are an amazing mother, a fantastic detective, and I trust you more than anyone in the world. I am also in love with you. When I first met you, I hung on your every word. I was stunned by your power. And let's face it, your legs. But from that moment, I wanted to be with you, and from that moment, I have never stopped loving you. So when did you stop loving yourself?"

Kate wiped her eyes, and tried to stand taller. Was he right? She had always thought of herself as strong, motivated, determined. But who was _she_? When she wasn't the daughter fighting for justice, or the mother caring for her son?

She stood there, and with just a mirror, Rick had managed to break down every wall around her. She put her hands on his, and removed them from her arms. He seemed worried that he'd gone too far. She took a step back, and met those eyes that always seemed to cut right into her soul – and then burst into tears.

She cried her heart out until she could cry no more. He held her all the time, guiding her to sit with him on the bathroom floor.

"How did you do it?" she asked, when she couldn't cry any more.

"Because I promised myself I would always tell you the truth."

Kate bit her lip. "I was thinking about when you weren't there. Before, you said it must have been hard. It wasn't. It was worse. It was hell, some days."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

They sat in silence for a while.

"So... now what?" she asked suddenly.

"Huh?"

"You've stripped me down. I have nothing – I'm a sobbing mess on the bathroom floor. Now... Now I have to build myself back up."

"You're right. You can't face criminals like this."

She laughed in spite of herself. "How can you make me laugh, now?"

"It's easy. You need a good laugh. How do you feel?"

"Lost."

"But better?"

"You know me. You're the only one."

"Well, we have two weeks – two weeks to invent the girl."

Kate laughed again. "Thanks."

"Always, baby."

"Baby? No. No way."

It was his turn to laugh. "I don't think you're going to need much inventing – you're still badass, you just need some sleep."

Kate grinned. "You're an idiot."

"Thanks, sweetie."

"Shut it, writer boy."

"Darling? Honey? Hot stuff?"

"How about Beckett. Or Kate, on special occasions."

"Fine. Hey, I could call you Mommy."

"Yikes," was all she could say to that, before they dissolved into laughter, still on the bathroom floor.

"You want to go to bed now?"

Kate nodded, and jumped up, then pulled Rick's arm to get him up too.

"His first word was Dada, you know," she whispered, when they were tucked up in bed.

"'D' is easier to say. What was his second word?"

"Eggs. Or maybe he was trying to say Lex. I don't know. I wrote the funniest things down."

"Can I see?"

"I guess... But it was also a journal... Sure. I mean, don't hate me, though."

"It won't change a thing. I know you, and I will always love you."

"Always," Kate whispered, and closed her eyes. Rick smiled. She hadn't said it. But he didn't need that. Because she was _her_. Finally, she was _her_, and she was his.

_**I hope you love me again now... Thanks so much for reading, and chapter 40! "Yikes." Please review, and tell your friends? Loads of love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	41. Chapter 41

"**Good morning!" screamed the cannonball that hurtled into the bed at 6am.** Kate took a deep breath. She had been having such a good dream... But she gave Johnny a big smile.

"Good morning Johnny. Did you sleep well?"

"Yes thanks. Look! It's sunny!"

Kate blinked and looked over to the window. Sure enough, the sun was burning brightly. It had dried all the rain yesterday – she hoped this would be a metaphor for her life, too.

"Do you think we could go to the lighthouse today?" Johnny asked. Kate poked Rick in the ribs, and he groaned.

"Which we?" she asked.

"You, Daddy, and me."

Kate raised her eyebrows, but she said nothing. Johnny liked picking 'teams', and this team she actually liked. She smiled. Rick burrowed further down into the bed, and she tugged on his ear.

"Aah, apples," he mumbled into the pillow. He rolled over, and sat up, yawning.

"This morning thing you've got going on, son, is definitely something you inherited from your mother."

Johnny grinned. "That means I'm like you, doesn't it Mommy?"

Kate nodded.

"Good. One day I'm going to be a cop like Mom, too," he said to Rick. Rick saw the look of dread on Kate's face and winked at her.

"There are lots of things you could be, though. Isn't it a bit early to decide?"

Johnny frowned. "I guess being an engine driver would be fun. Or I could write books, like you!"

Rick laughed. "I can tell you that writing's fun. And I'd love to come to the lighthouse with you guys."

"See, you weren't really asleep," Kate muttered.

"Despite my best efforts, no. Johnny?"

"Yes Dad?"

Rick's face broke into a huge smile at this direct address.

"Why don't you go get dressed, and your Mom and I will be out in a few minutes."

"Okay," Johnny said cheerfully. He hopped off the bed, and as he left the room, he smiled back at his parents. When the door was firmly closed again, Kate planted a big kiss on Rick's still-grinning mouth.

"I love you," he said to her.

"Good," she answered. He didn't push her – this was enough for now.

Alexis was happy to have another lazy day, but she asked Kate if they could go to dinner later. To Rick's delight, Johnny cheerfully accepted the plan of having dinner with just his father, and Kate smiled at his happiness with the idea as well.

The lighthouse was old fashioned and beautiful. Johnny was disappointed that they couldn't go inside, but was satisfied with standing on Rick's shoulders to peer through a little window at the round room inside. After a long discussion about lighthouses and their merits, and a long session of trying to build one out of sand, the little family returned to the house. Rick and Johnny were soon occupied building another lighthouse, this time out of the couch cushions, and Kate suggested to Alexis that they head out for the whole afternoon.

Alexis seemed very keen on the idea. Kate got the feeling she had been talking to Max again – she had been disappearing upstairs very early in the evenings, and she was getting almost distant during mealtimes.

"So, how're things?" Kate asked as they walked slowly along the little road into town.

Alexis smiled. "They're... good. How are you and Dad?"

"I think we're improving. Johnny's finally calling him Dad. And although I was feeling a little... odd about things, I'm in a much better place now."

"He's very forgiven."

"Lex, I don't want you to think that I'm just letting him get away with it. But-"

"You're in love with him. I know. I don't mind. I've forgiven him too. Grams has too. Honestly, I don't think she ever had anything to forgive him for – she almost blames herself."

"What?"

"She feels guilty about his childhood. She thinks if she'd brought him up better..."

"Rubbish. Maybe I should talk to her?"

"Maybe. She loves you like... well, like you love me, I guess."

Kate held Alexis' hand.

"If that's true, I should definitely talk to her."

"What about your Dad?"

Kate took a deep breath. All her father knew was that Rick was back. She was pretty sure Jim would never forgive Rick; that man could really hold a grudge. He didn't even know that she was friends with Rick – he had assumed that she would want nothing to do with a man who had deserted her like that. She would have to tell him, though.

"He'll... Well, I hope he'll come around in the end."

"My Dad is such an idiot."

"You're not wrong. But the new book's coming out soon."

"It might not even sell. Four years is a long time – what if he's been forgotten?"

Kate laughed. "As someone who used to be an independent judge, his writing is kind of unforgettable. I wouldn't worry about it."

Alexis bit her lip.

"I might go and see Max," she said quietly.

Kate was surprised, but hid it well. "Oh?" she asked, trying to sound casual.

"His family's in LA for spring break. We've been talking a lot, and we're getting along so well again. He asked if I want to fly out and spend the remaining two weeks with them."

She sounded uncertain, as though she wasn't sure whether she wanted to go. They were outside the cafe now, and they sat down on a bench.

"You don't sound sure about whether you want to go," Kate commented. Alexis frowned.

"I'm not. I mean, I want to go. I was always going to. But what if we have another fight? I'll be stuck there, on my own, but his whole family'll be there to gang up on me. I've forgiven him but I... I'm just not quite ready. Or, I don't know if I am."

Kate looked out at the square, with its pretty trees and flower boxes.

"You have to do what's best for you. In your heart, you know how you feel about him, and whether you want to be with him. You say you've forgiven him?"

"Completely."

"And he knows that?"

"I've told him. But I'm not sure if he believes me – I think maybe I should go, just to show him that I have."

Kate had seen this one coming.

"You shouldn't go for that reason. Decide on the merits of the trip, and the merits of being with him. But don't do something you're worried about just to convince him that the fight's over. Fights have a horrible way of making you rush into things when they're resolved."

Alexis grinned. "That's why you didn't just jump into bed with my Dad when he came back."

After her initial shock that Alexis had thought about her jumping into bed with her father, Kate smiled too.

"Yes, it is."

"And you still haven't."

Kate narrowed her eyes, turning to the teenager.

"How do you know?"

"I can just tell, with my Dad. He's still chasing you."

Kate laughed. "But we are together, now."

Alexis nodded. "That is obvious. But honestly, you guys were always together."

Kate laughed again. "In our hearts, I think you're right."

"I'm not going to go," Alexis said suddenly.

"You sure?"

"Yes. I'll stay here another week, and I'll suggest to Max tonight that we both go back to college a week early. We have to study some, but that way, we can spend some time together without our families breathing down our necks."

Kate grinned. "That is an excellent idea."

Alexis pretended to bow, then pulled Kate into a hug.

"Thanks," she whispered.

"Always," Kate replied.

They arrived back a little late after walking along the beach, chatting about everything. It was past when Johnny usually went to bed, and Kate hoped he wouldn't be in too bad a mood. She had been planning to give him a bath – she hoped he wasn't giving Rick too much grief.

Alexis hurried away to tell Martha what she'd decided, and Kate looked for her boys. The living room was a mess, but they weren't there any more. She went upstairs, and was greeted with the sound of splashing and laughter. She identified the source, and sat down outside the bathroom door, just listening. It was wonderful. Johnny seemed perfectly happy with Rick, and they were having a great time.

She decided to leave them to it and went downstairs to begin tidying up, keeping an ear out in case Rick needed help with putting Johnny to bed.

She left the cushion lighthouse out in case it wasn't finished with, but put away what felt like hundreds of toys and books. Rick appeared just as she was wiping down the kitchen.

"I've done the story," he said, "But I told him you would be in to say goodnight."

Kate nodded, gave him a grateful smile, and went upstairs.

"Hey CB," she said, using his special pet name, reserved for when he was very, very good.

"Mommy," he said with a tired smile. She knelt down to kiss him on the forehead.

"Daddy told me a story," he said quietly. "It was good. But you still have to tell me stories too. At least... 5 times a week!"

Kate laughed and gave him a hug. "Sure. Well done for being so good."

Johnny looked at her sideways.

"Weren't you good?" she asked in mock horror.

"Well... I might have, accidentally, splashed Daddy."

"Ah, that's why he was so wet," Kate said. She ruffled Johnny's hair. "Don't look so worried. He seemed very happy."

"I am too."

"Good. Time to sleep now?"

He yawned. "Yeah. Goodnight, Mommy. I love you."

"Goodnight Johnny. I love you too."

She left the room to find Rick waiting just outside the door.

"You're going to say that to me some day," he said without thinking. A wave of panic crossed his face as he waited for her reaction, but she just smiled.

"Yes, I am," she said. He hugged her.

"Don't rush. I'm good with slow," he said.

Kate said nothing, wishing she could manage those three words that would make him happy, but still somehow not quite ready. She slid her hands under his damp shirt, and he backed towards their bedroom, his arms still wrapped tightly around her.

**_Wow, a whole day off! Sorry - had unavoidable uni essay to write. However, that is done now, so behold, chapter 41! I hope you liked it, thanks for reading, and please review._** _**Loads of love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	42. Chapter 42

**The rest of the week passed without incident**; it involved numerous trips to the beach, and a rainy day full of hide and seek. Kate kept an eye on Martha; the older woman was perhaps being slightly more dramatic and vivacious than usual, but it was hard to tell. She knew there needed to be a conversation, and the opportunity arose for one on Saturday. Rick had asked Kate to go to a dance in town with him that evening, but she had nothing to wear, so Martha had offered to take her shopping.

They took the car to the nearest big shopping mall; Kate drove, and Martha sat unusually quietly beside her. After ten minutes in the car, Kate decided she would have to say something.

"It's nice about Alexis, isn't it?" she said, turning to face her friend for a moment before returning her eyes to the road.

"Yes, very," Martha replied distantly. She seemed to realise that she sounded off, though, and tried again with more enthusiasm. "Max seems to be a nice boy, and I'm glad they've sorted everything out."

"Me too. And she's going to spend a week with him in New York..."

"Yes. I think Richard is less than thrilled by that prospect, but he has to understand she is a grown woman now. Just because he remembers her as a cute child of fifteen does not mean she has to behave like that for him."

Kate could sense the bitterness in her voice.

"I think he knows that, though. He's doing his best."

"It's nice of you to defend him. And I know he means well. But I went wrong somewhere with that boy – he has a screwed up idea of how to treat his family and how to be a good father. Perhaps it's because he never had one..."

Martha had become emotional more quickly than Kate had expected. Kate bit her lip, then did her best to comfort the woman.

"It's not your fault. And anyway, he is a good man. Going away probably wasn't the best decision-"

"Probably?" Martha interjected incredulously. Kate sighed.

"But he _is _a good father. He's been wonderful these last couple of months, he's great with Johnny, he's mended a lot of fences with Alexis, and I'm-"

"In love with him. Darling, it's obvious," she added gently, when Kate blushed.

"I was going to say I'm beginning to understand why he left. He wanted to be a better person for us. And although his methods were crazy, he is better."

"I think you would have made him better much more quickly."

"I would have pushed him away. I did push him away. I told him I never wanted to see him again. So if his leaving is anyone's fault, it's mine. I should have known he was... I should have known how much that would hurt him."

Martha smiled softly. "He hurt you first. You both made mistakes, I'm not denying that... But I did too, and now I have to face the fact that my son is not the man I'd like him to be. I still love him, of course, but I'm angry with him."

"Have you told him? I mean, does he know how you feel?"

"Kate, I was so glad he was alive, I haven't been able to say a single unkind word to him since he came back through that door."

Kate frowned as she pulled into a parking space. "Maybe that's why you're unhappy – if you had a chance to let out your frustration with him, you might feel better."

Martha nodded slowly. "You might have a point there. But I don't even know how to start."

Kate winked. "You can start by helping me to buy a dress that'll drive him crazy."

Martha laughed. "That's an excellent idea. Retail therapy. I might pick up something for myself as well."

They walked together into the shopping centre and investigated several store fronts. Martha had a wonderful eye not only for clothes, but for shops which would have the kind of clothes you were looking for. She led Kate into several places, and Kate found a few dresses that she liked.

She continued to talk to Martha about Rick as she tried them on in the changing room.

"Why can't I tell him?" Kate asked suddenly. She had been looking at a dress in the mirror in the cubicle, cautiously admiring the way it hugged her curves. Martha didn't answer directly. The silence lasted almost long enough for Kate to wonder if she'd heard, but just when she was going to open the door, Martha responded.

"There are thousands of reasons why people hold back with saying those three little words. And only one of them is that they wouldn't be true."

Kate stepped out of the cubicle, and Martha smiled appreciatively at the dress.

"What are some of the other reasons?" Kate asked, fiddling with the neckline. It wasn't quite right; it sat just slightly out of place next to her collarbone.

"Nerves, wondering what it would imply, not wanting to let go, not feeling ready to admit that you belong to somebody other than yourself... You want to be in control, Kate, and you usually are because you're good at it. You've coped wonderfully with a hugely difficult situation, and you do a hard job exceptionally well. You're great at caring for people – you care for your son, and you're the closest thing to a mother Alexis could ever have. But the roles you take on always require your leadership – you might call my son your partner at work, but he's not. You're in charge – you need to feel in control to feel safe. And you're right about the neckline. Which is a shame – it would be perfect otherwise."

Kate smiled. She knew Martha had far more wisdom than she sometimes let on and felt comforted to hear that her fears weren't bizarre or frowned upon.

"Do you think I should take the leap?"

Martha smiled too. "My dear, you can't possibly expect me to know the answer. And even if I told you, you wouldn't do it. You have a decide for yourself – you'll know when you're ready."

Kate nodded.

"I'd like to give that boy a piece of my mind," Martha announced suddenly, just as Kate was heading back into the cubicle to try another dress. Kate looked at her questioningly.

Martha continued. "Here you are, worrying about telling him how you feel, in a situation he would never have been in if he'd only not been such an idiot to start with. Of course you're nervous about trusting him with your heart – he's proved himself to be the opposite of trustworthy!"

Kate sighed, and went to give her a hug. "I do trust him now. But you should tell him. I really think you would feel better if you told him how you feel."

Martha held Kate tightly. "Okay, kiddo." She pulled away and smiled, and though her mood was a little forced at first, she once again became a cheerful shopping companion, helping Kate to select a stunning outfit for the evening.

They arrived back at the house to a rather chaotic game of hide and seek – Rick and Alexis were in the process of trying to hide under the couch. Kate didn't know whether to scream or join in. She opted for taking her bags upstairs, laughing at her absurd family. Martha said she would cook dinner for everyone who wasn't going out. Alexis offered to help her, and Rick said he would take Johnny for a quick dip in the pool. Kate didn't know whether to join in with the boys or the girls, but Johnny decided for her, informing her that she was expected outside as soon as possible.

It was a good thing Rick's pool was heated; the weather was nice, but the evening was almost chilly. Johnny protested a little too much for Kate's liking when Martha called them in for dinner. She had a feeling Rick was a little softer with him than she was, but to her surprise, when he picked up some pasta with his fingers at dinner, it was his father who told him sternly to use his cutlery.

"Sorry, Dad," Johnny said quietly. He looked ashamed for all of ten seconds, then picked up his fork and began enthusiastically spearing his food onto it with a gleeful expression on his face. Rick checked the time and pointed out that they would have to start getting ready soon if they wanted to make it to the restaurant before closing. Kate laughed as she followed him upstairs.

"I'm not that slow at getting dressed."

He grinned wickedly at her. "You will be if I have anything to do with it. By the way, I made the bed while you were out and there were handcuffs under your pillow. I thought it was supposed to be a gun?"

Kate blushed, but giggled at the same time.

"I was planning to use them for something. It was going to be a surprise though..."

Rick winked. "I put them back – so you can still use them for it if you want."

Kate laughed, and took her new clothes into the bathroom. She took a quick shower to wash the chlorine out of her hair, and shimmied into the new dress. It was red, and she loved it. She remembered what had happened last time she'd worn a red dress out with Rick. But this was different – at least she had paid for it herself this time. It was a lot less showy than something Rick might have chosen – it was all one colour, with no embroidery or fancy bits. It hugged her figure, and it was short, sleeveless, and the neck was a very low cut V. It would be hell to dance in, even worse paired with the 4 inch black stiletto sandals she'd picked out – but it would drive Rick crazy, too. She put on some eye make up and let her hair bounce loosely on her shoulders – instead of giving it the usual treatment, she just dried it and let it be its natural way – crazy curls. Normally she worked it into something more manageable, especially if she was leaving it down, but she was suddenly feeling a little wild. She'd been doing a lot of soul searching in the last few days, and had had several heart-to-hearts – she was in the mood for having fun.

Rick shuddered when he saw her. He was wearing black dress pants and a black shirt, with a red tie and red braces. Kate squealed with delight at the braces.

"When did you get those?" she asked, grinning.

"Brought them with me. I thought they might come in handy."

Kate laughed. "I love them."

"And we match, which is nice. How did you know to be red?"

Kate winked. "I just had that feeling. I could ask you the same thing. Are we late?"

"Not yet. Are you ready?"

"Yes – too ready. It's a shame we don't have the Ferrari."

"Right? I _knew _we should have come in that instead."

"You, me, and Johnny in the non-existent back seat? I don't think so."

"Spoilsport. I could have driven it up on my own."

"You could have?" she asked incredulously. "The way you drive that car... it makes me cry inside."

"Only because you're jealous."

Kate laughed. "Face it, writer boy, I'm a better driver."

"You are good in a car chase..." he said dreamily. She swatted him, and he grinned, those bright blue eyes twinkling at her in a way that made her skin tingle.

"Should I bring a jacket?" she asked.

"I'll bring one – you can have it if you're cold."

He put a smart blazer over one arm, then slid the other around her waist.

"I love your dress," he muttered in her ear, stroking her hip.

"Thanks."

"It's very tight. And there are no bumps from-"

"I'm not telling."

"I didn't even ask!"

"You were going to. You'll find out later, anyway."

Rick gulped, then smiled. He loved that she was such a tease.

After numerous compliments from their family, including a request from Johnny for some braces like his Dad's, they got into the car waiting outside. Kate wasn't surprised Rick had got hold of a driver for the evening. She was glad – she didn't plan to get drunk, but she didn't like the idea of driving after even one glass of wine.

Rick kept his arm around her while they were in the car, and she relaxed into his chest. They adopted this position whenever they sat together – it was their default; they fitted that way perfectly.

_**Thanks for reading, please review! Another note - I don't know if 'braces' is just a UK word - I think Americans might call them suspenders? Anyway, they're elastic things that hold your trousers up, and Kate finds them very sexy. You can ping them... **_

_**Lots of love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	43. Chapter 43

**Their dinner was an interesting affair**. Rick found himself content to watch Kate, and she found herself remarkably happy with this arrangement. Usually, she would have felt terribly self conscious – but this was just kind of fun, for a while. Until she began to feel it... There was something different in their mood – the week had brought them together in so many ways, but the tension that started to sizzle across the table was hotter than Rick's curry.

Despite the chill outside, the air felt thick and humid. Rick rubbed the back if his neck, then wiped his hands on the table cloth. He hoped his palms would stop sweating before the dancing. Kate smiled through it, but she felt as though flames were licking her body. The sensation wasn't unpleasant – but the dress had been to drive Rick crazy, not her!

When the waiter finally arrived with the bill, there were too well disguised sighs of relief. Kate stood up, and Rick jumped out of his seat as though it had given him an electric shock. The dance was just across the square. Kate, eyes glowing, looked up at Rick. He linked his arm through hers, and she bit her lip. He was very ready to dance – they had been stuck in one place for far too long. They had shared a bottle of wine at dinner, both drinking in an attempt to take the edge off, but it hadn't made much of a difference. If anything, the thought that they might be drunk, even though they weren't, was just adding to their stress levels.

The dance wasn't big or fancy. They were easily the best dressed couple in the room. The band was good, though, and it was well attended. Rick led Kate to the floor, and she wished she'd chosen something to wear with a little more manoeuvrability. Oh well, it was too late now. She danced with him, and found that the music, accompanied with the concentration required to get her feet in the right places, helped her to relax considerably. She grinned at him – she knew he had found it calming as well.

Rick hadn't danced like this in years – but he had learned to in his younger days. He was surprised Kate was so good, but he shouldn't have been – he couldn't think of anything she _wasn't _good at. He twirled her around and flipped her back over his arm. The style was... they were just copying everyone else, but it reminded him of Dirty Dancing. He admired the way her hair fanned out when she spun, the way her legs looked in that dress... She pinged his braces at every available moment.

The song ended, and the band began something much slower. Rick wasn't sure if they should attempt it, what with the events at dinner, but Kate seemed game, so he tugged her into a tighter hold and began swaying with her to the music. She adjusted to the hold, and if her heart rate quickened, who was judging?

They danced to almost every song, taking just one break to get drinks. When the band announced that they were about to play the last song, though, the couple stared at each other with expressions of panic. They would have to go home. There wouldn't be anything to do... They had agreed to take things slowly, and not to be under the influence. They still had a lot of ground to cover...

The last song began to play. And no one could have put it better than Billy Joel.

_**A Matter Of Trust **_

_Some love is just a lie of the heart_

_The cold remains of what began with a passionate start_

_And they may not want it to end_

_But it will it's just a question of when_

_I've lived long enough to have learned_

_The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned_

_But that won't happen to us_

_Because it's always been a matter of trust_

_I know you're an emotional girl_

_It took a lot for you to not lose your faith in this world_

_I can't offer you proof_

_But you're going to face a moment of truth_

_So break my heart of you must_

_It's a matter of trust_

_You can't go the distance_

_With too much resistance_

_I know you have doubts_

_But for God's sake don't shut me out_

_This time you've got nothing to lose_

_You can take it, you can leave it_

_Whatever you choose_

_I won't hold back anything_

_And I'll walk a way a fool or a king_

_Some love is just a lie of the mind_

_It's make believe until its only a matter of time_

_And some might have learned to adjust_

_But then it never was a matter of trust_

_I'm sure you're aware love_

_We've both had our share of_

_Believing too long_

_When the whole situation was wrong_

_Some love is just a lie of the soul_

_A constant battle for the ultimate state of control_

_After you've heard lie upon lie_

_There can hardly be a question of why_

_Some love is just a lie of the heart_

_The cold remains of what began with a passionate start_

_But that can't happen to us_

_Because it's always been a matter of trust_

That just did it for Kate. It could have been Rick speaking. And she knew. She trusted him. She had to. And she was ready. She was kissing him before the end of the song, enthusiastically enough to draw the shocked attention of several elderly couples. Rick guided her out of the hall and into their car. Having come back to her senses, Kate sat right to one side of the back seat; Rick was on the other. She pressed her knees tight together, but she couldn't take her eyes off him; her tongue was practically hanging out. He was in a similar state.

She _knew._ Every situation she envisaged, every stupid thing he could possibly do, every stupid thing he had already done, every mistake he'd made, and every mistake he was going to make -

"None of it makes any difference," she said, almost startled by the revelation.

"What?"

"None of... Never mind."

"But I do mind."

"Billy just has a way of putting things, doesn't he?"

Rick laughed awkwardly. "You could say that."

Kate realised he might not have drawn the same thing from the song as she had. He didn't know. She had to tell him. She reached out and took his hand.

"I trust you, Rick. With everything."

"You do?"

He sounded like a kid at Christmas.

"I do. And I-"

He was kissing her before she could even get the damn words out. He'd done it on purpose – he didn't want the wine and the music to make her say it before she meant it. That she trusted him was enough. She didn't need to push herself.

But she wanted to. She gave him a shove, and pulled herself away.

"I was still speaking."

"I was letting you know you didn't have to."

"Why?"

"Because I know what you were about to say and you don't have to just because you know I want it, or because Billy said so. I don't mind if you wait until you're ready."

Kate laughed. "You're absurd. And absurdly sweet. But I'm a grown woman. And if I'm in love with a guy, I want the chance to tell him."

Rick took a deep breath, and Kate smiled, putting a finger over his lips. She leaned in, and whispered in his ear.

"I love you, Richard Castle. And I want you. Tonight."

She couldn't have held him back if she tried, after that.

_**With thanks to Billy Joel, for being awesome and amazing. I hope you enjoyed that. Just to warn you, this is not going to become M rated. Sorry. You can imagine what you want though. She wants him. And she has handcuffs under her pillow... Thanks for reading, please review, and do listen to the song if you get the chance! Loads of hugs and loveballs, Z xxx**_


	44. Chapter 44

**For once, Rick woke up first. **His rolled over and propped himself up on his elbow. Kate was sleeping peacefully, her hair splayed out over the pillow, her eyelids fluttering as she dreamed. Sunlight streamed in from the large windows, making her skin glow, golden against the white sheets. He wanted to kiss her, but he didn't want to wake her and ruin the perfect picture in front of him.

"I love you," he whispered.

After about half an hour, she began to stir.

"Castle, how long have you been watching me sleep?" she mumbled, her eyes still closed.

He continued to watch her. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Kate opened her eyes. They sparkled; Rick smiled. "You're a terrible liar."

He shrugged. "Sorry. You look beautiful when you sleep. So peaceful..."

"Creepy, so creepy. You snore."

Rick was aghast. "What?"

Kate laughed, the bubbly sound filling the room. "You are such an easy mark!"

Rick still looked worried. "I really don't?"

"No, you don't. You have this little snuffle that you do occasionally, but I find that adorable. And sometimes you say my name." She grinned. He sat up and motioned for her to lean against him; she did so, snuggling into his chest. She pulled the comforter over them and he fiddled with her hair

"Was it..?" Rick began.

"Amazing. And... for you?"

Rick grinned into her hair. "Fantastic. So worth the wait."

Kate laughed, masking her relief. "We didn't wait long."

"What are you talking about? We've waited almost five years."

"Well if you put it like that... yeah. Worth the wait."

"And you don't feel..?"

"Rick. Relax. I wanted this. So much. And I loved it. Every second."

He hugged her tightly.

"Did you..?"

It was Rick's turn to be stern.

"Kate. You blow my mind, seriously. I loved it too."

"Even the part where..?"

"Especially that part. I love that."

"Good. Me too. Funny, I don't think we ever got around to that last time."

Rick laughed. "No, we didn't. Shocking really."

"Right? Gosh. Our first time..."

"Such a mess. We were so drunk."

"Sour cherry shots. I might have to get you some."

"Delicious."

"Yeah," Rick said, but he wasn't thinking about the alcohol. He gave himself a little shake. "You hungry? Want me to make you breakfast?"

Kate smiled and turned around to face him.

"I'm not hungry," she said, kissing him gently. "Not for food, anyway," she added as he kissed her harder.

"What time is it?" she asked, suddenly pulling out of the kiss. Rick was reluctant to let go of her, but he understood.

It was 9am. Their son would be awake; they had to think of him. Kate sighed. Rick tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Cheer up. There's always tonight."

She laughed, slipping out of bed to use the bathroom. After a quick shower, she put on leggings and one of Rick's shirts.

"Didn't you bring any clothes of your own?" he asked as he got up to use the bathroom himself. Kate grinned.

"I like yours better. And I had to share a suitcase with Johnny, so I couldn't bring so much."

"Rubbish. You and Johnny together don't add up to me."

Kate grinned. "That may be so, but Johnny and I with all Johnny's toys and books are a different story."

"Fine. I give in. You look good in it, anyway," he said, going over to her. "But you'd look better like this."

He undid one of the buttons, so the top of her lacy bra just showed. Kate shoved him in the direction of the bathroom and did the button up again, then went downstairs to start the coffee. To her amazement, Martha was already up, and flashed her a knowing smile. Kate blushed slightly, then nodded. Johnny appeared from behind the couch.

"Good morning Mommy!"

"Morning Johnny."

"Can we go to the aquarium today?"

Kate looked at Martha. She hadn't even known there was an aquarium nearby.

"Uh, sure. Did Daddy tell you about it?"

"Yeah. It's close; we have to go in the car but not long. They even have _sharks_ there!"

Kate grinned. "I'll talk to your Dad. If you're remembering right, I'm sure we can go."

Johnny smiled at her. "Want to go swimming? Then we can be like fishes too."

"I'd love to. Fish are one of those funny things that keep being fish when there are more than one."

Johnny didn't mind being corrected. "Oh. Hey, like sheep!"

"Yeah," Kate said with a smile.

"Okay, let's go be like fish."

"Before breakfast?"

"Is that alright?"

"Sure. It won't be for long though. And you have to be good when I say it's time to get out, or we won't be going in again for a while."

Johnny nodded solemnly, then darted off to get their swimsuits from where they had hung them the evening before. Rick appeared while Johnny was gone, and planted a sloppy kiss on Kate's lips. It soon intensified, his hands roaming under her shirt...

Johnny watched, fascinated. Martha cleared her throat and the couple broke apart, both reddening when they realised they had an audience. Johnny didn't seem bothered though. He just looked at Rick, narrowed his eyes in a way that was hauntingly similar to a common expression of his mothers, and said,

"It looked like you were eating her face."

Kate couldn't help but giggle and Rick was soon laughing too. Johnny handed them their swimsuits with a sigh.

"You two are _weird_..." he said to them as he went upstairs to get changed.

Kate wondered when Martha was going to talk to Rick. He was never alone; either with her or with Johnny. She would have to try and arrange something, maybe go off with Johnny while they were at the aquarium. She hoped it would be a family trip – she wanted Alexis to be involved too.

After a short swim and a quick breakfast, and finally getting the cup of coffee she'd been dreaming of since she woke up, Kate changed into some shorts and tied Rick's shirt up at the bottom. Johnny came into their room and looked around curiously.

"Where's Dad?"

"Bathroom. Why?"

"I want to ask him something."

"Can I help?"

"It's a different kind of something."

Kate raised her eyebrows, but shrugged.

"Wait here a minute and he'll be out."

"Okay. Can you..."

"You want me to go?"

Johnny nodded, smiling up at her. Kate ruffled his hair.

"Since when do you have secrets from me?" she asked, amused.

"It's not _really _a secret. Well, it is, but soon it won't be."

"Oh?"

"Can't tell you any more. I already talked to Lex about it though."

"Am I the only one who doesn't know?"

Johnny smiled more widely. "Yep. Told Grams this morning while you were still sleeping."

Kate nodded. "Johnny, was Grams awake already when you came down?"

"I didn't wake her up!"

Kate smiled. "I didn't think you did. So she was up already?"

"Yeah, she was sitting on the couch reading something. When she saw me she asked if I wanted to play, so we did. She seemed sad, but once we were playing she was happy."

Kate bit her lip. She had been worried when she saw Martha up so early – Ms Rodgers rarely saw the world before 9am. Rick came out of the bathroom, and Johnny shooed Kate from the room. She picked up her sandals and closed the door behind her, wondering what they were plotting.

_**I hope you liked the chapter, thanks for reading, and please review! Also, I started another fic last night called Sierra. I'm about to write the next chapter of that. It has Caskett and spies - go on, you know you want to... Loads of love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	45. Chapter 45

_**Sorry about the less-than-lightning-speed update – but I have a very legitimate excuse, and am now all better and ready to continue writing like the crazy child I truly am.**_

The aquarium trip was a huge success as far as Johnny was concerned. He hurtled around the place, hypnotised by all the different sea creatures. He was particularly fascinated with the shark tunnel, and sensing an opportunity, once they had been around the whole place, Kate suggested she and Alexis go with him to watch the sharks again. Martha saw what she was doing and almost went against it – somehow, she didn't feel ready. Her son had been condemned enough; she didn't want to throw more pain at him when he thought he could rely on her.

Kate gave her a steely look, and she hardened her resolve. She could do this. He _was _her son. She had the right to tell him what was what. She shouldn't feel hypocritical – she might not have given him the perfect childhood, but she had never deserted him.

She was nervous, though. She had feelings about this she had not even expressed to Kate. As she watched Johnny skip off into the tunnel she wondered if she would ever feel that freedom again. He was so happy. And he reminded her so much of the innocent little boy Rick had once been. Rick would never be a child again, either. He had given up his innocence too.

His ignorance, however... Despite his attentive and kind behaviour, he had no idea what was about to happen. Martha smiled at him, and they walked out of the cool indoor structure, finding a bench outside that was in a pool of warm sunlight.

"Richard-" Martha began, already struggling.

"Yes, mother?" he asked gently. He was starting to sense her mood, but he was still at a loss as to what she was so worried by.

"I just..."

Rick had matured enough to stay silent, waiting for her to reach what she wanted to say without interruption. This did not go unnoticed, and Martha felt even crueller for what she was about to do. She had to, though. She had to make things right, properly right.

"I'm still angry, Richard. I'm angry with myself, for not setting a better example, and I'm angry with you, for not knowing better! You had to grow up without a father, and I know I'm responsible – but I don't think I can blame myself for everything. You deserted your children and the woman you love. And I understand, I understand why you left. I realise the good it's done, both to you and to the people you helped. What frustrates me is... You don't seem to know how she worships you!"

"What?"

"Kate. She's grateful to you for just _being _there. For just existing. I know you've been working on slimming down your ego a bit – but she's letting you take her for granted, telling you every day that she's yours, that you have nothing to worry about. She's given herself to you, Rick. But you... She's had to overcome so much to get to that stage with you and although you understand to an extent, you didn't see her. You didn't see her for those four years. You didn't see the tears pouring down her cheeks the day she gave birth when she told me your son's middle names would be Richard Castle. You didn't see her run out of the room at his first birthday party because he looked so much like you and she couldn't bear it. You didn't hear her screaming in the night when she thought you were dead; you didn't watch her punish herself over and over for messing it up with you. She thought she drove you away. She's strong, so strong – she would never admit it. And I know she told you it was hard, and I know you've apologised, but... You weren't there, Richard. And I was. _I _thought you were _dead_! I thought my only son, my beautiful boy, was shot to pieces off somewhere in Africa... I thought... I grieved for you! I've seen that scar on your chest. Do you have any idea how close you were to death?"

Martha had tears streaming down her cheeks as she poured her heart out to her son. Rick bit his lip – he had picked up the habit in the last month or so.

"I didn't... I'm so sorry. But I thought you-"

"You know I thought you might be punishing me? For not being a good mother, for working so much and not knowing who your father was. I thought maybe you were showing me what it was like to not know someone in your family."

Rick shook his head. "No, no, I would never... I love you. I care about you so much, I don't... I know it was stupid. But I thought you understood why I went."

"I do. But Kate... I've only said part of it. The part that would hurt you less."

"Hurt me less? What else happened?"

"Nothing. She was fine. In fact, she was more than fine. From... it was about when Johnny began speaking, to when we thought you were... Anyway. She was wonderful. She was a fantastic mother, and although she had her moments of difficulty, and bad days – you should have seen her! You should have seen how she coped, how strong and independent she was. Beautiful, stunning... she turned down a lot of offers, Richard, but not because of you. Because of Johnny. And only because of Johnny."

"But that's... why is that worse?"

"Because she's giving up her strength, for you. She's so happy you're back, she thinks of it as a wonderful gift, an amazing chance. But... I don't know. I don't think she's just forgiven you. I think she's absolved you of any crime."

"You mean... she blames herself?"

"Not exactly. But she's letting you off the hook way to easily. You caused a lot of hurt, Richard, and a lot of people have told you, and I'm telling you again. Because you need to remember it."

"I... I do. I try. I want to be... I'm doing everything I can to be a good father..."

Martha sighed. "You _are _a good father. But... Don't take her for granted."

"I don't. I know I've been an idiot; she's had a lot to forgive."

"You don't know the half, darling. You don't know about Josh."

"Josh?"

"Someone who loved, and maybe still loves, her too."

"But she... she told me she wasn't with anyone..."

"She wasn't. They were just friends. For years. She was waiting for you."

"But she wanted to?"

"I don't know. She never gave herself the choice, because of Johnny. But if he hadn't been around, I don't think she would have just wanted to, I think she would have done, and I think even if you'd come back, she wouldn't have cared."

Martha wondered if she was just saying these things to hurt him. She didn't know. Josh had been important to Kate, and from Rick's face, he hadn't even known of the man's existence. But then again, neither had Johnny. Martha had only discovered by accident – but she wanted to show her son that Kate wasn't a given. She wanted to protect the woman she was seeing more and more as her own daughter.

Rick put his head in his hands, and Martha suddenly felt release. She put her hand on his back.

"It's okay," she said gently. Rick shuddered.

"No. You're right. I take her for granted, I... She has let me off too easily. And I pushed her."

"No you didn't. And she didn't. She did what was right for her and her son. I'm saying these things to you... for me. Because I'm angry too."

"Still?"

"A little. But I usually am – always have been. You can be very annoying."

"I'm so sorry."

"I know. I just... It's selfish, but I needed to be angry with you."

"And Josh-"

"Was never more than a friend," Martha continued firmly.

Rick nodded. "Why d'you think she hasn't told me?"

"Maybe she will. Maybe she thinks it doesn't matter."

He nodded again. "I'm so sorry," he said again.

"I forgive you. I already had, really... I just needed to be mad. Because you are my son, and I can't help but feel to blame-"

"That's crazy. Don't take on my mistakes. You've made enough of your own," he added, winking. She laughed.

"You're right, the mood did need lightening. You don't need a lecture, Richard. You've improved yourself."

"But I understand. You needed to give me one."

"Precisely. And just take care of yourself, okay? No more bullets."

"No more bullets. For her either."

"For her either."

As if on cue, Kate appeared coming out of the aquarium, blinking in the sunlight. Without a moment's thought, Rick ran towards her and lifted her off the ground, pulling her into a frantic, heartfelt kiss. She wrapped her arms and legs around him, and when they finally broke apart she whispered in his ear.

"What was that for?"

"It was to thank you."

"For what?"

"For being here."

Kate laughed gently. "Always," she said happily. He kissed her again, and Martha smiled at her two stupid, frustrating, foolish, wonderful children. She was in her 30s – he was over 40 – and they were behaving like teenagers. Martha thought it was beautiful.

_**Bit intense? I don't know... and no, Josh will not have a big role! I hope you liked it, please review, and in case uni people look at this, I wrote it in bed while dosed up with chocolate milk and super strong painkillers. Loads of love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	46. Chapter 46

Alexis walked out of the aquarium holding Johnny's hand, and couldn't help but laugh at the sight of their parents. Johnny was holding a little bag from the gift shop, and handed it to Alexis to hide in her purse. She grinned and put it in.

"Can we go to the cafe?" he asked when they reached Martha.

"How about we go now, and the two lovebirds can meet us back at the house later? They can do the grocery shopping."

Johnny laughed. "Lovebirds. That's funny."

"I think they're funny," Martha said to him.

"I think they're weird. But nice. Daddy must be great if Mommy loves him that much."

Martha smiled. "He is. Don't you think?"

"I think he's great," Alexis chipped in. "But he can be a bit of an idiot."

"I think he's great," Johnny said, then took Martha's hand. "But I'm hungry."

…

When Rick and Kate finally let go of each other, Martha, Alexis and Johnny were nowhere to be seen. Rick checked his phone.

"They've gone to get lunch – and we aren't allowed home until we've done the grocery shopping. They've also taken the car – she says we can take the bus. Damn. And I had so many plans-"

Kate cut him off with another kiss, running her hand through his hair. "We can have fun shopping," she muttered into his ear.

"We'll get thrown out of the store," Rick laughed – they were already getting a few stares.

"Then we'll have a good excuse to go home early. By the way, what's the secret?"

"What secret?"

She stepped back and narrowed her eyes at him. "Johnny's secret."

"Don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes you do."

"Fine, _Detective. _But I'm still not telling you anything."

"Are you obstructing my investigation?"

He put his hands on her hips and tugged her body back into his. "I might be. How will you punish me?"

She slid her hands under the back of his shirt. "I'll think of a way."

He laughed. "You hungry?"

"Not particularly."

"Then we should go shopping."

Kate sighed. "I suppose we should."

They reluctantly separated until they were just holding hands, then walked together in the direction of the grocery store.

"You realise we're going to have to carry everything back on the bus?" Rick said as they entered through the automatic doors. Kate was walking like a dancer, lifting her leg high and stretching it out, then lining it up perfectly with the foot that was still on the ground. She let go of Rick's hand and twirled around to face him.

"We're tough. We'll manage."

He took a trolley. "Why are you dancing?"

"I'm in a dancing mood."

"I've never seen you dance before."

"I haven't been in a dancing mood while you've known me before. I haven't danced since... since I was a teenager."

"Do I have something to do with the mood?"

Kate grinned. She felt wonderful because she was in love. She felt as though all the pieces of her life were finally fitting together; for the first time, she was looking into the cast expanse that was her future and it wasn't daunting – she wanted it. But at the same time, she looked at the present, the moment she was in right now, and she wanted to savour it, to hold on to the warmth that was bubbling up inside her heart forever – for always. And she could. He would never leave her. He loved her. And she would never leave him. She loved him.

"Nope, nothing. I'm happy because I got to be in a tunnel of sharks."

"You're such a child today. That's new too. It's gorgeous."

She stepped onto the front of the trolley, facing forwards, her feet on the bar, leaning forward and holding on to the basket behind her. Rick laughed and spun the trolley around so he was pulling it behind him, then surged forward. Kate felt like she was flying – and it was only half because Rick was pulling her along. Someone cleared their throat and Rick slowed the trolley down. Kate jumped off and went to stand beside him. The throat-clearer was the store manager. He wordlessly pointed to a sign that forbade any kind of playing with the trolleys. They apologised profusely.

"I don't know what got into her," Rick said, deadpan. Kate shoved him in the ribs.

"We're very sorry. We'll try to behave."

The manager nodded and disappeared. Kate began to giggle uncontrollable.

"I really don't know what's gotten into you today," Rick said, grinning at her as he put some milk in the trolley. She moved close to whisper in his ear.

"You have."

It didn't take a genius to work out the double meaning. Rick handed her a carton of milk from the fridge.

"To cool you down."

"I don't want to cool down," she said grinning, and put the milk back. "What do we have to buy?"

"Uhm... we don't have much. Bread, vegetables, meat, pasta..."

They made their way slowly around the store. Kate's mood was contagious, though Rick had no need to catch it – he was in it already. Whenever she passed him he tugged her in for a kiss; whenever they kissed he wished they were alone. Kate knew he was watching her constantly and found herself playing up to it, making a big deal out of reaching for things from high up shelves or bending down to pick things up. She couldn't remember when she had ever behaved like this before. Maybe she hadn't.

The trolley filled up, and they paid, not caring about the dirty looks they got from the manager. They really were like teenagers today. They somehow managed to pick up all the bags and haul them to the bus stop. Rick checked the timetable, and then his watch.

He dumped his bags on the ground. "We have half an hour to wait."

Kate grinned and put her bags down too. "I want to dance again. But with you."

"We have no music."

She pulled out her phone and slid her feet out of her sandals. _Two Bare Feet. _Rick laughed and copied her, taking her hands and spinning her around.

Three minutes later the song ended.

"Don't you have a playlist?" Rick asked. Kate laughed.

"Sure. But I don't know if I want to dance any more."

"Oh?"

She let him slide his hands over her hips again.

"Jump," he said quietly. She giggled, and jumped up so her legs were around his waist. She hooked her arms around his neck and leaned back, watching him. He tilted his head to one side.

"What are you thinking?"

"That I love you."

"That all?"

"It's a big thought. What are you thinking?"

"That I love you?"

"That all?"

"No. I'm thinking about all the things I love. I'm thinking about your smile, and your laughter, and that today there was no darkness at all in your eyes. I'm thinking I want to keep that darkness away for the rest of your life. I'm thinking you're beautiful, inside and out. And I'm thinking a very little bit about sex. But mostly the other things."

Kate laughed, and leaned in to kiss him.

"I love your mind."

"We're like a couple of sappy teenagers."

"I was never this happy as a teenager."

"Me neither. What a stupid expression."

"But one that everybody uses."

"Fair enough, then." He held her to him tightly, and when the bus did arrive they were both flushed and not at all keen to get on it. They loaded their shopping onto it, bought their tickets, and made a mutual decision not to touch each other again until they were in private; Kate thought she would explode otherwise. They sat side by side on the old fashioned seat, putting their feet up on the back of the seat in front of them.

"What shall we do this afternoon?" Rick asked.

"I think Johnny wants to go to the beach."

"Sounds great. If I'm invited?"

"If you can keep your hands to yourself."

"What about your hands?"

"I'll watch them closely too."

"You do that."

"How's your mother?"

"She's... did you know she was going to talk to me?"

"Yes. I encouraged her too. Was it okay?"

"Yeah... I... She made some good points."

"Do you think she's alright now?"

"I think I made a huge mess. But I think she said what she needed to."

"You'll fix it. We all make mistakes," Kate said gently, looking at his suddenly serious face.

"I hope so. I don't know how I won you over."

"Because I understand. Because you were sorry. And let's face it, because I've been in love with you for years."

"They do say distance makes the heart grow fonder."

Kate hit him on the arm. "If you leave-"

"Never."

"Promise?"

"Always." He took her hand in his. "I'm with you always, okay?"

"Okay." She smiled. "I believe you. But I have a gun, so-"

"So I know where we stand."

"Good."

"I love you."

"Good."

Rick laughed. "I seem to have dampened the mood somewhat."

"Don't worry. There's a fire in me that won't be put out by any of your dampening," Kate said, managing not to laugh as he grinned at her. She bit her bottom lip, slowly tugging at it with her teeth, looking into his eyes, knowing what it would do to him.

"I hate that I find that hot."

"Why?"

"Because it's in 50 Shades of Grey. And that book is just _creepy._"

"Oh yeah. You've read 50 Shades of Grey?"

"Wait, _you've _read 50 Shades of Grey?"

"I asked first. And, so? But I agree. It is creepy. Now I hate that I bite my lip."

"You roll your eyes too."

"Jeez."

"_I want to bite that lip..._"

"Shut up! I can't.. Rick, I won't be able to-"

"Kate."

"What?"

"Do you think I would ever hurt you?"

"No, but still-"

"You're right. Not only because I would never want to – but also because I would never get away with it. You'd fight me off and I'd never see you again. Why did you read it?"

"To see if it was as bad as everyone said."

"Was it?"

"It was worse. Why did you read it?"

"Someone mailed it to one of the guys I was with for a joke – it did the rounds."

"Yuck."

"I thought so too. But as a student of the written word-"

"Oh so you had to read it then?"

"You have no such excuse."

"You hadn't written anything. I was bored."

"I should write something for you."

"Do it. Write us a story."

"A 50 Shades story?"

"No! Ew. No. Just a Castle story."

"Phew. I think even I would struggle with that."

"I don't know. Some of the Derrick stuff got pretty steamy. And Nikki and Rook have a sex scene don't they?"

"Yeah, but a nice one."

"I can't believe we're talking about this."

"I think we should stop. And stop biting your lip!"

"I can't help it!"

"Well I can't help finding it hot! It makes me feel like a rapist."

"Stop it. You can find it hot. Just because she was right about one thing."

"_And _you're rolling your eyes."

"Calm down, Castle."

"I'm scared. What if it's ruined us?"

"You didn't seem ruined last night."

"But I hadn't thought of it then. It's like when someone tells you not to think about apples – after that, all you can do is think about them, no matter how hard you try-"

Kate couldn't help it, she burst out laughing.

"What? It's not funny!"

"Yes, Rick, it is. You're worrying about 50 Shades of Grey ruining our relationship."

"Well..." he dissolved into laughter too. "Oh God. What that book has done to the world..."

"Kind of impressive really. D'you know it sold better than Storm Fall?"

Rick groaned. "I do. Ugh."

"Heat Wave'll top it, no problem."

"I hope so. Nikki is a far better character."

"Largely because she has a character."

The bus pulled up at their stop and they got off, loading themselves up with shopping bags to carry to the house. The others were still out. They dumped everything in the kitchen, then stood staring at each other.

"Well, we're alone now," Rick said slowly. Kate bit her lip, then hurriedly stopped. Rick winced.

"Maybe we should put the shopping away?" she suggested. Rick nodded.

"I hate that woman," he muttered. Kate had an idea. She closed the fridge door and stood in front of him.

"Rick, look at me."

He looked.

"Now – what do you want to do to me?"

"Nothing."

"Way to make a girl feel good about herself. I mean, if we were going to have sex, now, what would you do?"

"I'd, ah, kiss you. And hold you. And touch you... You'd probably end up on top because it's you but actually last night it was more of a-"

"Right. Then I don't think we have anything to worry about."

"What about the handcuff thing? I mean, isn't that-?"

"Firstly, it's you that gets handcuffed. And secondly, we do it for a laugh, and never to the point of hurting or dominating each other. Now will you please stop worrying about it so I can stop worrying about you having a heart attack every time I do something which I've done for my whole life?"

"Okay, okay. Oh, fuck it."

He strode towards her and kissed her, pushing everything but her out of his head. She kissed back, and when they broke apart for air a minute later they were both grinning.

"I don't think there's going to be a problem," Rick said.

"I knew there wouldn't be. Now shut up and put the rest of the food away before the family gets back."

"There's a joke there, but I'm not ready for it."

"Don't be such a wimp."

"Don't be so mean."

"I'd do it, you know," she said after a while. "I say that girl has no character, and she doesn't, the book's rubbish for other reasons, but if you wanted me to, I'd do it."

Rick stared at her, and suddenly remembered what his mother had been saying to him earlier that day. He took her by the shoulders and stared into her eyes.

"No you wouldn't. Don't say that."

"But I would. I'm in love with you... I would do anything."

Rick was suddenly terrified. "You love me that much?"

She nodded silently, biting her lip, and this time he didn't even think of the stupid story.

"I would do anything for you too. But... It scares me that you would... I know you'd hate it."

"I... I can't imagine it. I mean, I don't like the idea. But if I had to do that to be with you..."

"We really are a pair of teenagers."

"It's okay to be scared. I'm scared too."

"Wow this got serious so suddenly."

"Serious is okay. I still feel good."

"I'll never ask anything like that of you."

"Because you love me too. Because I'm lucky."

"You think you're lucky?"

"I'm the luckiest girl in the world."

"I'm the lucky one. I... I don't deserve you."

"Yes you do."

"No, I... I've been so-"

She put her fingers on his lips. "You do. You're wonderful; you underestimate yourself. You're also an idiot, and often you behave like a nine year old on a sugar rush but-"

Rick laughed. "Please go back to bossing me around."

"Why? You like that, writer boy?" she said, laughing too. She kissed him again and they laughed together.

"Jeez," Kate said after a moment. "I really am in love."

Rick laughed louder. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone what you said."

"You better not!"

They stared at each other as they laughed at both the absurdity and seriousness of their conversation, but were both quite relieved when they heard the others come in through the front door.

_**A/N: So, I thought the general idea of 50 Shades was more universal than it actually is. For those lucky people who have no idea what it's about - think creepy BDSM and a weird, horrible relationship. There was loads of hype about it in the news in my country so most people know what it's about and the general idea of it - if you don't, I hope I've explained enough to make more sense of the chapter for you now. **_

_**Thanks for reading, please review. If you want the song, it's 'Two Bare Feet' by Katie Melua. If you want to read the book... you're mental. Loads of love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	47. Chapter 47

_**So, welcome to chapter 47. I hope 46 made enough sense not to be a total bust even if you didn't get the 50 shades stuff. Anyway, I guess this is my chance to win you over again! Also, sorry for the slightly slower update; I've been writing more of 'Sierra' (which you should look at XD) and I also have uni work to do. **_

"Mommy, go upstairs," was the greeting Kate got from her son. Rick shrugged as if to say he knew nothing about it, and Kate narrowed her eyes at him. It had not been an honest shrug. She went upstairs, looking back over her shoulder to see him scampering around his father, talking nineteen to the dozen.

She went to sit in her room. Rick's room. Their room? Anyway – she lay down on the bed she shared with Rick, stretching out her legs, letting her sandals fall onto the floor. The sun was still shining, and the huge window that took up most of the wall she was facing allowed the light and heat to pour over her. She unbuttoned the shirt, letting the glow hit her stomach as it was already caressing her legs. She could get used to living here...

She closed her eyes, thinking about her conversation with Rick. It had been a little weird, but she thought they had covered some important ground. Pushing and pulling – that's what you did in relationships. She knew she had to do less pulling away; she hadn't realised Rick had to change his attitude too. He'd been... she'd thought he'd been perfect since he got back. She supposed it could change, but she didn't think it had been an act. She thought _he _had changed.

She wondered what Johnny was planning. She thought she might know. Her charm bracelet tinkled on her wrist. Yeah, she had a pretty good idea.

She had almost drifted off to sleep when there was a tap on the door. Rick entered the room cautiously, still a little nervous after their earlier conversation.

"Just stamp on them. They'll break – so what?" she said quietly.

"What?"

"The egg shells you're walking on."

Rick laughed and sat down beside her. Her eyes were still closed; she felt the bed move.

"Do your shirt up, princess. Your surprise awaits."

Kate sat up, blinking.

"It's your shirt," she said as she did up the buttons, tying it at the bottom. "And, princess?"

"Sorry. I should have said queen. Because you're mine."

"Smooth. But Kate's just fine."

"Boring. Downstairs you go, _Detective Beckett_."

Kate got up. "Alright, if that's the way you want to play it, Mr Castle."

Rick followed her out of the room, tapping her behind then hurrying in front of her. She laughed.

"You're such a child," she called after him. He lifted up Johnny at the bottom of the stairs, holding the boy up in front of him.

"Rick – are you using our son as a shield?"

Rick put his head round from behind Johnny, pulling his best innocent face.

"No."

Kate raised her eyebrows. Johnny laughed.

"Why does Daddy need a shield?"

Kate winked. "Because he's been very naughty, and he thinks I'm going to _get _him."

Johnny laughed more. "I'll get him for you," he said happily. "But later. It's time for your surprise."

Kate raised an eyebrow in a question.

"We've got you some presents."

"That's very sweet of you Johnny."

"That's not all of it."

"No?"

"We've hidden them!"

Kate pretended to gasp. "Where?"

"Not telling. You have to find them."

Kate grinned. She'd been right. Last Christmas, she and Martha had spiced things up a bit by hiding all of Johnny and Alexis' presents around the loft, playing the 'hot and cold' game as they searched on Christmas morning. Johnny had been looking for a chance to play the game the other way round since then.

"Will you tell me if I'm getting warmer?" she asked. Johnny nodded, grinning as Rick put him down and Kate began to move around the room. She moved towards the couch first, then slowly around the living room. She looked everywhere she could think of, playing the part for Johnny. Alexis, Martha and Rick joined in 'helping' her enthusiastically, but she had a feeling Johnny's directions weren't always accurate.

She found four charms for the bracelet. One was a shell which must have been found on the beach – she guessed they had made a hole in it and put it onto a ring for the bracelet. There was a little shark that could be from the aquarium gift shop, and a horse shoe, maybe from a shop in town. The final charm was a tiny red ribbon – she was pretty sure that one had been Rick's idea. She smiled at him as he tied it onto the bracelet.

"It's because it's like your dress," he whispered in her ear.

"So do you like them?" Johnny asked excitedly.

"I love them! But what did I get presents for?"

Johnny smiled. "Because we're on holiday."

"So?"

"On holiday the rules are different," he said, looking up at his father. Kate laughed, and once again admired the new charms on the bracelet around her wrist.

"Do you know which one is from which person?" Alexis asked. Kate smiled.

"Putting me on the spot. I think so." She grinned at Johnny. "You're the shark, aren't you?"

He nodded.

"And Lex is the shell – the horseshoe's from your Grams, and the ribbon is from your Daddy."

"Very good," Martha said, ruffling Johnny's hair. He smiled up at her.

"Thanks for helping."

"No problem kiddo. Want to help me make dinner?"

Johnny nodded. Alexis said she would help too, and Rick and Kate ended up wandering down to the beach together, down the garden in their bare feet, linking their fingers as they held hands. They reached the water's edge and Kate dipped her toes in, curling them up at the cold, but enjoying the sensation of the lapping waves. Rick ran his foot along the side of hers, then stood beside her.

"You have big feet," she said, smiling.

"Well, you know what they say. Big feet, large... shoes."

Kate laughed. "Notting Hill! Julia Roberts says that."

"She does indeed. You like Notting Hill?"

"It's practically my all time favourite movie."

"Mine too. I can't believe I didn't know that."

Kate laughed. "We have a four year old son, and we don't even know each other's favourite movies."

Rick laughed too. "But I should have guessed. I mean, you like Valentine's Day."

Kate slid her arm around his waist. "There is nothing wrong with Valentine's Day, okay?"

"Okay. Nothing wrong with it at all."

Kate laughed. "It's lucky you said that."

"How lucky?"

Kate leaned against his shoulder. "D'you think the rules really are different on vacation?"

"A bit. Why?"

"I don't know. I just mean... will we be the same?"

Rick smiled. "Sure. I mean, I think everyone's a little softer here. But we'll still be us." He put his arm around her.

"I don't like it that you'll be working, though."

"You'll be working too. And Johnny might start school full time in September."

"So early... But you're right. And yeah, I have to write. Another Nikki Heat novel. I can't believe people are still interested. I mean, in me. Of course they'd be interested in her."

Kate smiled. "Nice save. Well. We'll see. A working couple..." She shivered; it was getting cold. Rick rubbed her arm.

"Come on, let's go back to the house. It pains me to say it, but you should wear more clothes."

"Nah. I have you. But okay."

They walked inside together and laid the table for dinner, joining in the conversation that the other three were having about the scariest sea creatures.

After dinner, Kate offered to wash up, and took off her bracelet, leaving it on the counter. It sparkled at her from time to time and she smiled back. She had such a wonderful family. Everyone was here. Everyone living. Except her father. Should she have asked him?

She would have, but he really did not get on with Rick. She could understand – but she wished he would try harder. He was the typical protective father, but Kate thought he was taking it too far. She would have to talk to him. She would talk to him when she got home.

When she got home and he found out she and Rick were together now... She hoped he would manage to be happy for her. But he had thought Rick had taken advantage the first time. He hadn't wanted her to keep the baby, even.

She put it out of her mind. She would save that trip down memory lane for another day. And Jim and Johnny got on wonderfully now. Johnny loved his Grandpa. It would be fine. Jim would see that Rick was good for Johnny, surely. He didn't believe in broken homes...

Kate pulled the plug out of the sink, dried her hands, and put her bracelet back on. Johnny was sitting on Rick's lap. They were reading a book about trains together. Alexis was reading a magazine with Martha. Kate stayed in the kitchen, content to watch. She didn't want to interrupt either pairing. Johnny caught her though. He turned to face her.

"Come and read with us Mommy."

She smiled. "I won't fit. You're in the armchair."

Rick grinned. "I'm sure we could squeeze you in somehow."

Kate laughed and went to sit with them. Johnny tugged at her hair, losing interest in the book. Rick joined in, making tiny little braids. Kate turned to him.

"You're going to take those out again."

"With pleasure," he said happily. Kate sighed and flopped back into the chair. Alexis caught her eye and she shrugged, as if to say, "The things I put up with for my boys."

_**Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it, please review! Loads of love, Z xxx**_


	48. Chapter 48

**Kate sat down on the end of the bed.**Rick was leaning on the headboard, watching her.

"Is he asleep?"

Kate nodded. "He was exhausted. He loves it here."

Rick smiled. "Me too."

"You're exhausted, or you love it?"

Rick laughed. "I love it." He looked straight into her eyes as he said it. Kate blushed.

"I love you," she whispered. Rick stretched forward and pulled her towards him, sliding her across the bed into a hug.

"I love you too."

Kate leaned against him, fiddling with her bracelet.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked.

Kate smiled. "It's perfect."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Everything... being here, being with you, Johnny, Alexis, Martha... it's just so... It's the best holiday I've ever had."

Rick laughed. "When did you have a holiday before this?"

Kate grinned. "I've been on holiday before. Not since I had Johnny, though."

"I think you need it, then."

"And we still have two more weeks."

"Careful. You'll jinx it and we'll have to go home early."

Kate turned around to kiss him. "I don't believe in jinxes," she said, starting to unbutton his shirt.

Kate was woken by the sound of the door opening. She hurried to pull the covers over herself and Rick, blushing. Johnny didn't notice anything, bless him. He grinned at her.

"Good morning!"

"Good morning CB. How're you?"

"Hungry. No one's up."

He jumped onto the bed. Rick groaned but forced himself to sit up and smile at his son.

"Hello Daddy."

"Hey, Johnny," Rick said sleepily. "Want me to make you some cereal?"

"Yes please."

"And I guess I should make your Mommy some coffee.. she looks like she needs it."

"She always needs it. And you – you're always drinking it too. Is it nice?"

Kate smiled. "We think so. You can try some – but you've tried it before and you don't like it."

"Maybe it's a grown up thing," Johnny said thoughtfully. "Will you come downstairs and play with the trains?"

Kate nodded. "Sure. You go down now and I'll be there before you count to-"

"Until... 26."

"If you like. Give me a chance though."

Rick laughed. "I'll be there before her. She'll want to mess around in the bathroom."

"She doesn't mess around," Johnny said.

"Oh? What does she do?"

"She does her hair, brushes her teeth, washes her face, sometimes puts on make up... The hair takes the longest. Oh and she files her nails. And sometimes shaves her legs and underarms."

Rick almost said "You watch?" but he realised Johnny would have had to if Kate was the only one looking after him. Kate gave a little shrug, which confirmed what he thought. Then he smiled.

"What?"

Johnny grinned. "I bet he's laughing at your hair."

Rick laughed. "You really are a detective Johnny!"

Kate put a hand up to her head. "Seriously?" she said to Rick.

"Sorry," he said, not sounding sorry at all.

"It looks like a monster," Johnny said gleefully. Kate raised her eyebrows.

"Rawr," she said, tickling him. Johnny slid off the bed.

"I'll go downstairs so you can put clothes on. 26!"

Kate laughed as she watched him run out of the room. He never seemed to do anything slowly. She jumped out of bed and pulled on a bra, a purple hoodie, some underwear, and a pair of denim shorts. Rick got dressed equally quickly, choosing some khaki shorts and a batman t-shirt. They hurried downstairs to find Johnny sitting on the kitchen counter.

"How did you get there?" Kate asked.

"Magic," Johnny said happily. Kate went over and picked him up, hugging him tightly.

"I love you," she said.

"Love you too," he replied, laughing as she whirled him around in the air. Rick poured out three bowls of cereal and added some milk. He put on the coffee pot, then caught Kate from behind, reaching his arms around to hold their son as well.

"I love you two too," he said. Johnny looked up at him thoughtfully.

"We love you as well."

Kate felt her eyes well up with tears, it was so adorable. She blinked happily. She put Johnny back down on the counter.

"Can I eat sitting here?" he asked.

"Sure. Try not to spill it though," Kate said as Johnny balanced his bowl precariously on his knees.

"So," Rick said through a mouthful of cereal. "What are we going to do today?"

Johnny giggled and Kate tutted. "Don't talk with your mouth full," she told Rick playfully.

"We're going to the beach," Johnny said cheerfully. "Lex and I want to go because she's going tomorrow."

Kate nodded. She was glad Alexis would be seeing Max after all, but she would miss her unofficial daughter.

"Is Max nice?" Johnny asked.

"Yeah, he is," Kate said.

"Does Alexis like him more than us?"

Kate smiled. "No. She likes him differently, though. He's her boyfriend."

Johnny nodded. "And Daddy's your boyfriend?"

Rick laughed. "Kind of, yeah."

"But you're not her husband, are you?"

Rick winked at Kate. "Not yet."

She almost choked on her cereal. They had been together less than a week! But he was just joking.

"It doesn't really matter though, CB," she said to her son. "We all love each other, that's what counts."

"Of course."

Rick realised he might have taken Kate a little by surprise, but she seemed alright with it. They finished their cereal and had some coffee – Johnny spat his out into the sink. Alexis appeared, dressed and ready to go to the beach. It was another nice day, though not as warm as it had been. They built numerous sandcastles and didn't go back to the house until quite late in the afternoon.

"If Daddy was called Sand," Johnny said as Kate opened the door into the house, "he would _be _a Sand Castle."

Kate laughed. "He's inherited your gift for wordplay," she said to Rick as they trailed sandy footprints through the kitchen and into the living room. Rick grinned.

"And your detective skills."

"Remember what you said when we talked about him, when I was still pregnant?"

Rick laughed. "Talk about a split personality? Yes, I remember."

Kate smiled. "I just think we actually made quite a good combination."

"Definitely. He's perfect, Kate."

Kate took hold of his hand. "He reminded me so much of you. Every day... It wasn't a bad thing," she said, seeing the worried look cross his face. "He reminds me of everything I fell for. In a cute, four year old way. Like, the charm, the humour, the intelligence..."

Rick squeezed her hand. "You're a fantastic mother."

Kate smiled. "You're not a bad parent yourself."

Johnny clambered up onto her lap.

"He's a very good parent."

Kate laughed. "I'm glad you think so."

"But you're not."

Kate raised her eyebrows. "What?"

"You're my best friend. Best friends aren't good parents."

Kate bit her lip. She was torn between smiling at how sweet her son was, and feeling sorry for Rick. Rick didn't seem to mind though. Johnny looked at Rick, a twinkle in his eyes.

"Maybe you aren't a very good parent either," he said. Rick grinned.

"I'll take that as a compliment."

Kate smiled. "It is. Johnny doesn't tell just anyone that they're a bad parent."

Johnny laughed. "You're silly Mommy."

Kate laughed. "You're silly too."

Alexis appeared dressed in dry clothes. Kate envied her. "Dad's the silliest," she said to Johnny. Johnny nodded.

"I wish you weren't going," he said to her.

Alexis smiled. "You'll see me very soon. And you'll have a great time with your silly Mommy and Daddy."

"Yeah, but... Is Max very nice?"

Alexis laughed. "Yes, very."

"Where are you going?"

"California. Know where that is?"

Johnny frowned. "West?"

Kate laughed. "Right on."

"What's it like?"

Alexis thought about it. "Hot. Ask Dad – he's been more than I have."

Rick laughed. "Hot is a good description."

"Speaking of hot," Kate said, "it's time we put on some dry clothes."

Johnny smiled wickedly. "We could put on our pyjamas – except that you two don't have any." With that he hurried upstairs. Alexis followed him, laughing. Kate and Rick laughed too.

"Maybe he noticed a little more than I thought," she said.

"So what? He finds it funny. Best kid ever – though a tie with Lex, of course."

They went upstairs to find dry clothes as well, and rinse the sand off. When they came down again Martha was cooking in the kitchen, and Johnny was sitting on the counter in his pyjamas, having an animated conversation with Alexis about different places they should visit.

Kate smiled. "You'll have to make the best of this vacation though, Johnny. I might not get another one in ages!"

Rick laughed. "I'll get you some time off in summer. And Johnny'll help – you can talk to Gates can't you?"

Johnny looked confused, then figured it out. "Oh, you mean Aunty Vicky. Yeah. I'm sure she'd let us have a holiday if I asked."

Kate grinned. "I can't believe she likes him so much but still can't stand you."

Johnny laughed. "I can. It's because he's so _tall_."

"Why's that a reason not to like someone?"

"She has to look up to him all the time. She likes me because I'm little. Everyone likes little things. Like puppies."

Rick laughed. "What about roaches? They're little, but no one likes them."

"Aunty Vicky might."

Rick couldn't think of a good argument against that, so he ruffled his son's hair and went to help his mother make dinner. Alexis caught Kate's eye and they shared a smile, both enjoying the easy relationships of their family.

_**Total fluff really :P but it's going to get a little heavier again in the next few chapters so enjoy this while you can! Thanks for reading, please review. Loads of love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	49. Chapter 49

**They waved Alexis off from the house**; Martha was driving her to the airport. Johnny wasn't sad for long, and was soon pestering his parents to take him to the beach, despite the greyer weather of the Sunday morning.

"Two more weeks..." Kate said with a smile as she looked out at the ocean. Rick laughed.

"You make it sound like such a long time."

"It is a long time. A lot can happen in two weeks."

"It'll fly by," he warned her with a grin on his face.

In a way they were both right. The next two weeks passed in a flurry of activity – trips to the beach, a repeat of the visit to the aquarium, walks around the countryside... The morning of their last day brought a gloomy mood with it. The weather was stormy; even Johnny didn't want to go outside. Kate was hugely relieved. They sheltered in the kitchen drinking coffee (Johnny had lukewarm chocolate). Martha was reclined on the couch; Johnny perched on the counter watching her. Rick stood behind him and rested his chin on the little boy's head.

"What're we going to do today Daddy?"

Rick looked round to Kate, keeping his chin in place, which amused Johnny no end. Kate shrugged. They were still in their pyjamas – after the incident that morning, they had taken to getting 'dressed' before they went to sleep. To Johnny's great amusement, Rick had taken them all pyjama shopping. He'd bought Kate some adorable pink pyjamas with a button down top, and a pattern of little teddies. They were so unlike her – he thought she looked wonderful in them. Johnny had some of the same style with trains on, and Rick had some plain blue ones. Even Martha joined in with the nightwear modelling; she had consented to being bought a turquoise silk robe, which she wore with leggings and a shirt underneath.

"We should have a duvet day," she called from the couch.

Kate laughed. "That is a wonderful idea."

Johnny looked at his grandmother. "Grams, what's a duvet day?"

"It's where you spend the whole day in your pyjamas, preferably wrapped up in your duvet," she said. "So – Richard darling, would you please go and fetch the duvets."

"And pillows and blankets," Kate added, taking Johnny's empty mug and putting it in the sink with hers. She picked him up, holding him on her hip. Sometimes she wished he would stop growing – he was so lovely at this size. But at the same time, she loved watching him grow up, watching him learn...

Rick almost fell downstairs; he managed to drop most of his load in his struggle to stay upright. Johnny and Kate went to help him, bringing everything into the living room.

"You know what we should do?" Rick said.

Kate raised her eyebrows. "I'm always suspicious when you get that look on your face. What should we do?"

Rick laughed. "You're so quick to think you won't like my ideas. We should build a fort."

Johnny jumped up on the sofa.

"Yes! We have to!"

Kate laughed and flopped down into a heap of pillows.

"Fine. But I'm staying here."

Martha flopped down beside her, bringing a magazine with her.

"You can build it around us."

Rick whispered something in Johnny's ear which had him in fits of laughter, and they began to build. Kate and Martha read the magazine, chatting quietly as they watched their boys. The couch cushions piled up around them, as well as an interesting set up involving the cord from Martha's robe, dining room chairs, and a blanket.

"Okay, pull!" Rick said to Johnny suddenly. Johnny screamed with delight as a tug of the cord made the whole fort collapse on top of Kate and Martha. They laughed as they scrambled out from under the cushions, and Johnny jumped into the mess, landing on top of his mother. Kate pulled him into a hug and they shuffled over so Rick could join them on the floor.

"Now what?" Johnny asked as he tugged at Rick's pyjama top.

"Cushion surfing? Since we can't surf in the ocean..."

Kate looked at him. "What's cushion surfing?"

Rick grinned and tapped on the polished hardwood floor.

"We clear everything out of the way, make a big pile of soft stuff to act as a buffer, then you run and jump onto a cushion and slide along the floor."

Kate smiled. He looked just like a child as he was explaining. Martha got up from the floor and said she would go and take a bath while they did this.

"I think it's an under fifties activity," she said with a laugh. This gave Kate a thought. She looked over at Rick.

"You're so old," she said with a cheeky grin.

"I know. It was my birthday just before we came out here."

"Daddy's an April fool," Johnny said, remembering the jokes about the birthday.

"A forty-three year old April fool," Kate said, looking Rick up and down. She wasn't as bothered as she would have thought. He didn't look old; she didn't think of him as any older than her. She saw a slight frown cross his face and she gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

"Don't worry Ricky, you'll always be my writer boy," she joked.

"Wait so... how old are you Mommy?"

"I'm thirty-two," Kate said, trying not to wince. Martha was still on the stairs and called back to them.

"No she's not, Johnny, she's just been twenty-nine for a little longer than usual."

Kate laughed. "I think we should start ageing downwards again when we hit forty."

Martha laughed. "That would put me in my twenties. I'm all for it. But I want to start going up again at twenty-one."

Johnny looked completely confused. Rick grinned.

"I think women think far too much about how old they are," he said, pushing the couch out of the way and moving the pile of duvets to the end of the room. Johnny followed him with interest, wanting to know how to set up the game for future reference, Kate was sure.

They ended up in an exhausted heap among the bedding, watching Toy Story – though Johnny was falling asleep. Martha had returned and was curled up on the now cushion-less couch with a book, but Kate suspected she was really watching the movie as well. Kate leaned on Rick's shoulder; Johnny was lying across both their laps, his eyes flickering open and closed. Kate absent-mindedly stroked his hair, almost drifting off to sleep herself.

"I wish we weren't going home tomorrow," Johnny whispered, making her jump. She'd thought he was fully asleep.

"Me too," she replied quietly.

"Me three," Rick and Martha said at the same time. They laughed. The movie finished and Kate carried Johnny upstairs to bed. He cried a little bit. She wasn't surprised – he was sad he hadn't had his last visit to the beach.

"There'll be time to go in the morning," she told him. "But only if you pack up nicely and you're good now."

Johnny nodded. "Even if it's raining?"

"Even if it's _snowing_," Rick said from the doorway. "I want to say goodbye to the beach too. Goodnight CB."

"Goodnight Daddy. Love you."

"Love you too."

Kate kissed her son on the forehead. "Night night CB."

"Goodnight Mom." She got up, turning off the light as she whispered her 'love you'. Johnny replied quietly and she left the door a little bit open so it wasn't completely dark. Rick took her hand and they walked to their room.

"I'm going to miss this bed," she said, turning around to fall back onto it. The duvet was still downstairs. Rick laughed.

"I won't miss it. Because I'll have you."

Kate grinned and sat up again. "You're just happy you get to sleep in your room again."

Rick laughed more. "What can I say? You've seen right through me..."

…

The car journey back to New York was quiet. Rick drove; Kate sat in the back with Johnny and a lot of colouring books. Packing had been exhausting, and Kate hadn't wanted to leave the house without cleaning everything. She had even argued with Rick about it. He had become frustrated, saying he could get a cleaning service, that she wasn't there to scrub his toilets. She had returned with, was someone who scrubbed toilets not good enough for him then? She'd known it hadn't been what he meant, but they had taken much longer to pack than they'd thought, she had work in the morning, Johnny had nursery, Martha had her acting class, and Rick had a meeting so she would have to take Johnny to nursery before going to work, which would mean she'd have to leave him there earlier than she liked. They had tried to smooth things over but the stress of going back to everyday life was still eating at them.

When they finally arrived back at the loft, after loading all their luggage out of the elevator, everyone decided that bed would be a good idea. Kate finally managed to settle Johnny, and lay down, alone, in her room.

There was a tap on the doorframe.

"Go away," she said quietly. Rick came in anyway.

"No." He lay down beside her. "You don't really want me to."

Kate had to laugh. It wasn't really funny, it was just...

"If you'd done that four years ago maybe we'd have been together the whole time."

Rick sighed. "I know. I should never do what you say."

Kate rolled over so she was pressed against him.

"I'm sorry. I know you didn't mean that earlier."

"I'm sorry too. I was frustrated and..."

"Yeah. I think we could both have behaved better." She kissed him. "But we're okay?"

Rick slid his hands up her back and into her hair. "We're okay. I should be asking you."

"It was both of us," she said, taking off her shirt. "Now hurry up, I have to get some sleep – work in the morning..."

Rick laughed. "That's romantic. I want our first time here to be special..."

"It's not our first time here. And it's always special."

_**Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it, please review! And, hey there baby sis, love you loads! Love all the rest of you too, big hugs, Z xxx**_


	50. Chapter 50

**Kate arrived at work **a few minutes late because of dropping Johnny off. Gates cleared her throat as Kate put her bag down under the desk.

"Nice to see you again, Detective Beckett."

Kate smiled. "Nice to see you too."

Gates launched straight into a speech about all the had work everyone had been doing while she was away, and Kate sighed. She was happy to be back. She was. Gates told her Ryan and Esposito were already working a murder case, and that she should help them. The day passed quickly. Rick was going to pick Johnny up from nursery, but she wanted to get home reasonably early so she had time to see her son before he had to go to bed.

She left the precinct at 5.30pm, hugging the boys and inviting them to come to the loft for dinner any time. She hadn't told them about Rick. She decided not to for the time being. She hadn't seen Lanie yet – but she had a feeling keeping it a secret from her might not be so easy.

Her phone rang while she was in the elevator.

"Beckett?"

"Hey, Katie. How are you?"

It was her father. She bit her lip. It was nice to hear his voice, but she had some things to explain and this wasn't the right time.

"I'm fine. The vacation was wonderful. How are you?"

"I'm well. And Johnny?"

"He's fantastic. Sad that we had to come home. He loved the beach."

"He would be. You and I should take him out there sometime too."

Kate tried not to be frustrated with her father. It always seemed to be a competition for him.

"That would be nice," she said through gritted teeth.

"I'd love to see you guys... I don't suppose you're free for dinner?"

Kate sighed. "How about you come to the loft? Martha and Alexis will be there too."

"And Richard?"

"Yes, Dad, Rick will be there as well. It is his apartment."

"Right."

"You're welcome to come, Dad. But just-"

"Just what?"

"Be nice, okay? At least be civil to him."

"I am as civil as he deserves. What can I say, Katie? I don't like him."

"I'm aware of that. But I do like him. And he's Johnny's father, and Johnny likes him very much as well."

"Johnny's too young to understand what he did. And you're just too blind, it seems."

"Dad!"

"Sorry, sorry. Okay. I'll come to dinner. And I'll do my best to be polite to him," Jim said grudgingly.

"Thanks," Kate replied, trying to sound less angry than she felt. "I'm just setting off there now. How about you head over in about an hour?"

"Sure. See you then."

"Bye..."

She ended the call. It was times like these when she most missed her mother. Jim was very single minded, and usually very opinionated. He was quick to anger, and Kate had no idea how to calm him down or how to help him understand her. She was sure that her mother would have understood – and Johanna had had a way of bringing people around to her way of thinking in a way that didn't make them feel like they were giving in. Kate wanted her father to be happy for her, but she couldn't see that happening. She didn't want to hide her feelings for Rick, but she didn't want to upset her father more than he already was.

Johnny hurtled into her as soon as she opened the door. She gave him a one armed hug, them dumped her bag and keys so she could pick him up and hug him properly.

"How was your day?" she asked him.

"I saw Lindsay. And I painted a picture."

Kate saw the blobs of paint on Johnny's shirt and tried to see the funny side. Right now all she could think was that she would have to get him changed before her father arrived, and that she hoped the paint was washable. Rick saw her slightly strained smile and took Johnny from her, lifting him onto his shoulders.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Dad's coming..." she said quietly.

It was Rick's turn to force a smile. "It'll be okay. When?"

"He'll be here in about 40 minutes. What are we eating?"

Rick frowned. "We were going to have grilled cheese."

Kate laughed. "Then let's have grilled cheese. He'll live."

Johnny tugged on Rick's ear. "Is Grandpa coming?"

"Yeah," Rick said.

Johnny bit his lip. Kate grinned. "Cheer up CB. He likes _you_."

Johnny laughed. "But he doesn't like Daddy."

Rick put Johnny down. "No, he doesn't. Go and change your shirt, buddy. That one's got paint on it."

Johnny looked down at his shirt and laughed. "I'm a picture too," he said, walking towards his room. Kate smiled, then caught Rick's eye.

"Would it be alright if..." she began, not quite knowing how to phrase it.

"If what?"

"If we didn't tell him yet? That we're together."

Rick sighed. "Sure," he said, but he was disappointed.

"What?" Kate asked him.

"You're ashamed of me."

"No!"

"Yes, you are. Or you would tell him."

"I'm not! But he hates you."

"So? You live with me. He knows that. What difference will it make?"

"No, I just... I don't think I'm ready to explain it to him."

"Is it really that hard?"

"Yes! I mean-"

"Explain it to me."

"Explain what?"

"Why you're with me."

Kate wanted to scream at him. "Because I love you!" she yelled. "But he won't understand that. And maybe you don't either!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Maybe I don't want to tell him because I don't want to listen to him call us crazy! I don't want him to say bad things about something which I think is so wonderful!"

"Rubbish. If you were really committed to this, you wouldn't be afraid of a grumpy old man disapproving of me."

Kate gaped at him. "My father is not a grumpy old man."

"What is he then?"

"He's just looking out for me! I found it hard enough to trust you and I... He doesn't have any of that. He just knows you as the guy who left me when I was pregnant with his son."

Rick sighed. "But you should explain it to him. You can't hide it from him forever, and he's not going to change his mind. I could talk to-"

"No! You'll just alienate him."

"Thanks for your faith in me! At least I'm willing to try! At least I want to fight for us!"

"Just don't tell him!" Kate shouted, turning to leave the room.

"You know what? Fine," Rick said to her back. "And I'll go one better. I'll end this – then there won't even be anything to tell him about."

Kate felt as though he had just stabbed a knife into her heart. She turned around, fresh tears beginning to trickle down her cheeks. Rick couldn't believe what he had just said.

"No, I didn't... I didn't mean it," he said, running towards her. Kate said nothing, standing motionless as he put his arms around her.

"Please, say something..." he begged her, but she still didn't speak. She slipped out of his embrace and went to her room – when she saw Johnny. He was sitting on the floor in the passageway with his hands over his ears, crying his eyes out. She pulled him into a hug.

"I'm so sorry CB. I'm so sorry," she said quietly.

"He's not really leaving though? Daddy can't leave..."

Kate wiped away his tears.

"No. He's not leaving."

"And you still love him?"

Kate sighed. "Yes."

"And he still loves us?"

"Yes," Rick said from behind them. Kate stood up and let him kiss her, let him brush the tears from her cheeks, let him take her hand and promise her he would never say anything like that again. She had to let him. Her only other choice was a mindless oblivion – she couldn't live without him now...

Johnny slid his hand into hers. "No more fighting," he said to his parents quietly. Kate nodded, smiling at him.

"We don't have to tell your Dad," Rick whispered in her ear.

Kate sighed. "Yes we do," she whispered back. "You should not have scared me like that. But you're right. I have to tell him."

…

As they sat around the table, Kate wondered if she would have had any kind of relationship with her father if Johnny weren't around. But she realised that if it weren't for Johnny, she wouldn't be with Rick, so there probably wouldn't have been a problem. Her father would have liked Josh.

Johnny wasn't impressing Jim much that night though. He kept going on about how much fun they'd had at the beach. He was also talking with his mouth full, something which Kate had always tried to correct, but Rick did it himself so there was no hope for that now. She didn't say anything because she knew Johnny was still in a delicate mood and she'd rather keep at least one person at the table relaxed.

Alexis was trying to make polite conversation, but she was also trying to create a conversation which would involve Martha and Jim. They were talking about the weather.

The breaking point came when Johnny's forkful (they had opted for cutlery to appease Jim) of grilled cheese, which had been imitating an aeroplane, careered into his glass of orange juice, which spilled all over Rick. Rick laughed as Johnny gaped at the mess.

"Don't worry about it, son, it was an accident," he said, starting to clear up Johnny looked totally relieved. Jim stood up.

"Katherine, a word?" he spat. Kate looked up at him, then wordlessly followed him into the hallway.

"So now you're letting him spoil your son?" Jim said quietly when they were out of earshot of the others.

"No. He's a great father. Look at Alexis."

"Alexis is some kind of miracle. If you had done what Johnny just did when you were that age you would have gone straight to your room-"

"Yes, and no doubt with a smacked behind and all," Kate said a little too loudly. "But he is not your son. He is _my _son, and he is _Rick's _son. And we don't believe in terrorising him for having fun."

"So now there's a 'we'?"

"Well, _we _are his parents."

"I disagree. You are. But Richard... I've seen more of his son than he has!"

"It's more complicated than that and you know it! And he's been fantastic these last few months. He feels awful about leaving, but it wasn't just his fault."

"Don't you take any of the blame on yourself."

"I told him to leave."

"Because of what he had done! Katie, I really think you should consider moving. It was one thing when Richard wasn't here. But now he is... You'd be welcome to stay with me until you get yourselves sorted out."

"Great, so you can shout at my son and tell me I'm screwing him up?"

"You're not. Richard on the other hand-"

"I want Rick in his life. If Rick's messing up so am I."

"Then you are. You're messing up by trusting that man with your child!"

"Johnny loves him."

"He's a charmer. He even won you over for a while. The fact that you saw sense-"

"Saw sense?"

"You ended things. That is the only good choice you have ever made when it comes to Richard Castle!"

"Dad! Nobody's perfect, and I care about Rick. Don't talk about him that way."

"You don't have to be loyal to him just because he knocked you up."

"He didn't _knock me up_. It was a joint effort. Which I thoroughly enjoyed!"

Jim gaped at her. Kate was on fire, her eyes blazing with rage. She wasn't shouting; her quiet tone was even more dangerous.

"Kate. Please see reason. You have an absurd living arrangement, and you are letting your son get attached to someone who ran off to Africa for four years. He is completely unreliable."

"Rick loves Johnny, and Johnny loves Rick. They are father and son. I know what it's like to lose a parent-"

"So don't give Johnny one that he is bound to lose!"

Kate gritted her teeth, determined not to cry. "Rick isn't like that. Not any more."

"You're wrong. He's just like that – an arrogant jack ass who uses people for his own gain. He'll get bored, and he'll leave – just like he did before."

Everything her father said against Rick hurt her as much as if he'd been saying it about her. Probably more.

"No, I'm not. I've got to know him so much better in these two months. He is a good man."

"You're crazy if you truly believe that."

Kate clenched her fists. "Then I'm crazy! And you know what? Get out."

"What?"

"Get out. I will not have you speaking that way about the man I love."

"The man you-?"

"Yeah, you heard. I love him. I am in love with Richard Castle, and there is nothing you can do about it." She backed him towards the door. "So get. The hell. Out."

Jim stared at her for another moment, then left the apartment. Kate managed to keep her composure until she closed the door, then she fell against it and burst into tears.

_**Thanks for reading, please review! Love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	51. Chapter 51

**Rick stepped around the corner** and saw Kate. He tried to move towards her but she stood up and held up her hand.

"No... don't," she said.

"What did he say?"

"A lot. Too much."

"Are you- No. Stupid question. What can I do?"

Kate stared at him. "Nothing. There's nothing you can do. I'm... I have to go."

"What?"

"I have to go," she repeated. She walked through to her room and came out holding her motorcycle helmet. Rick stared in horror as she walked back through the room, opened the door, and left. He was frozen to the spot; he didn't even try to stop her. His shirt was still wet with orange juice, he was holding a cloth from wiping the table, and he was unable to move.

"Where's Mommy?"

Johnny had followed him in here.

"She's... gone out."

"Gone out where?"

"I... I don't know, Johnny."

"When will she be back?"

"I-"

And then it hit him. This was what it felt like. This was what he had done to her. He told Johnny to find his grandmother, then ran out of the door. He pulled out his phone and called Kate. She didn't answer. He took the stairs; she would have to start the bike...

She was just leaving as he burst through the door. He called out to her, screaming her name, running after her as she disappeared into the darkness.

Now he knew.

He dropped to his knees, tearing at his hair, moaning in pain. She was just mad. He _knew _she would come back. And the sky was still falling. This was what he had done to her – except she hadn't known he would be back.

How could she possibly have forgiven him?

He knew it wasn't the same. She had told him to go. But-

Jesus. He had practically told her the same thing when they were fighting earlier. He'd said sorry but-

But he had still said it. It didn't matter that he hadn't meant it. She hadn't meant what she said four years ago. He had thought she had. And he had left.

He stood up and went back upstairs. He took off his shirt and rinsed it in the sink, splashing cold water on his face. He put Johnny to bed, telling him everything would be okay. He cleared up everything from dinner, did the laundry, tidied Johnny's room and dealt with the paint on the shirt. It wasn't enough. He cleaned until the loft was spotless, staying up long after Alexis and Martha gave up on him and went to bed.

He did 100 push ups. He polished the coffee table. He went into Kate's room.

It was already tidy. It smelled like her. He sat down on the end of her bed. Their bed? He put his head in his hands again. He hated himself. He got up after a few minutes. He didn't want to be still. He called her again. The phone rang. She hadn't crashed the bike. But she didn't pick up.

He went into her bathroom, just looking at her stuff. She and Johnny were everywhere.

He remembered when she had been pregnant. She had practically lived at the loft then. Her books had lived on the coffee table, and little things... A pot of lip balm, a hair grip; things that weren't Gina's. He used to pick them up and hold them... He and Gina had fought about it. Gina had been justified, he supposed. She had been awful, but he should never have started anything with her in the first place.

He left the bathroom and went into the main room, staring at the door. He sat down facing it, willing it to open, willing her to come back.

But what would he say?

…

Kate opened the door quietly, not wanting to wake anyone. She had needed to clear her head; she had ended up just driving through the night. She closed the door behind her, putting her helmet down on the floor.

…

Rick jumped when he heard the click of the door. He hadn't been sleeping – but he had been sure she wasn't coming.

…

Kate jumped. There was someone in the room. She turned on the light. Rick stood up. He wasn't wearing a shirt – but not to appeal to her. He looked like someone who had been so preoccupied he'd just forgotten to put one on. He walked towards her and tried to tell her everything with his eyes.

…

She was staring, she didn't get it, she still hated him-

"I owe you so much-" he said softly.

She put a finger to his lips.

"No you don't."

He gently took her wrist and moved her hand away.

"I do. When you... When you left I finally realised – I finally realised what I did to you. Because it was unbearable – I was going crazy and it's been hours! I... I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am."

Kate put her hand on the side of his face.

"I told you to leave."

"You didn't mean it – just like I didn't mean-"

"But you thought I did. And you did good things while you were away."

"I-"

"Don't. I just needed to clear my head. My father-"

"Is right to hate me."

"He's protective. But he doesn't understand."

"Maybe he does."

"No. He doesn't. Because you've changed, Rick. I've seen it. You are a wonderful father, and sure, sometimes you're stupid and you drive me crazy but you know what I realised?"

"What?" he hardly dared to whisper.

"That there is nowhere I would rather be than here, with you. There is nowhere I would rather sleep than beside you. There is no one I would rather be the father of my son."

Rick blinked back his tears. "You're an idiot."

Kate laughed, though she was crying herself. "No... I'm in love."

Rick kissed her furiously, still overwhelmed that she was here. That she had come back.

"I love you," he gasped into her mouth.

"I know," she said, smiling.

…

Rick propped himself up on one elbow and looked at Kate.

"Do we need to talk?"

Kate bit her lip. "Yes. But... it won't be that bad."

"What d'you mean?"

"People fight. People get mad. And then they fix their mistakes and they forgive each other. I've forgiven you, and you are fixing things. You're building a great relationship with Johnny, you're great with me, you're reliable and helpful... There's not much you could do better."

"Not much? So what could I do better?"

Kate laughed. "Short of _never _wearing shirts, nothing."

Rick grinned. "You're too kind."

"Maybe. Maybe I just know it was my fault too."

"It wasn't."

"Yes, it was. Just like CB was a joint thing, you leaving was a joint thing too. You were only with Gina because I left, because I pushed you away."

"But I-"

"And furthermore, who's to say we would have stayed together? Who's to say it would have worked? Maybe we needed time. Maybe it's a good thing we had a chance to start over – because what we have right now is... perfect."

"How can you call it perfect? There are so many problems, there's still so much-"

"So? There always is. I know I can trust you. And we know that no matter how much we fight, or what we say, we'll always want to be together. Right?"

Rick smiled. "Always."

"There we go then. So – maybe a little less drama?"

Rick took her hand and squeezed it. "We want to be together always... Do you know that for sure?"

Kate nodded. "I'm the one and done type."

Rick paused, and took a deep breath. "Then... will you marry me?"

_**Mwahahaha... I hope you enjoyed that, thanks for reading, please review! And happy Valentine's Day (sort of, it's over now but I haven't slept yet...) Loads of hugs and loveballs, Z xxx**_


	52. Chapter 52

_Rick paused, and took a deep breath. "Then... will you marry me?"_

Kate stared at him. He stared right back, knowing he couldn't falter. It would put her off. She needed to know he was sure – the detective in her was checking.

"No," she said slowly. He waited. He could tell there was more. "I don't need to be married to you." She saw his face begin to fall and put her hand on his cheek, smiling.

"It's not that I don't love you. I do. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But you've been married twice before and I know they say third time's the charm but-"

"But you don't want to be number three?"

Kate laughed. "Kind of."

"Is there any chance I could persuade you?"

Kate grinned. "Never say never, I guess. But I just don't see that it's... I mean, I feel bad now because you're showing me you're committed and I want you to know that I am too, and that I believe you – I just don't want to marry you. And also... I know this is hard, but if I ever get married I want my father to walk me down the aisle."

Rick frowned. "I get it."

Kate leaned over to give him a quick kiss.

"Cheer up."

"I will. I just thought it might be perfect. You might have said yes."

"Maybe I will one day."

"Can I buy you a ring?"

"I thought a ring was for when she does say yes."

"Not a diamond, then. Just a ring... that you'll wear on your left hand on your ring finger that means that we're... that you're..."

Kate smiled. "Okay. But you're wearing one too. Because if I'm yours, Castle, then you are most certainly mine."

"If we do get married, that is _so _going in your vows."

She laughed. "Stop planning it. I said no."

"But you also said never say never. And it wasn't a _no _no. It was more of a not yet."

"Rick. It's still no."

"For now."

"You're an idiot."

"I know. But I'm very charming. And-" he slid an arm around her waist and pulled her close, "I can be very persuasive."

…

The rings were small silver bands. They each had a tiny blue sapphire embedded in the silver, and were engraved with one word. Always. They had bought them together; Johnny had been there too. He had loved the jewellery store. Kate called him a little magpie, attracted to anything shiny and bright.

"Always means forever, doesn't it?" he asked, after Rick had told the jeweller what they wanted engraved in the rings.

"Yeah," Rick said to him.

"So it means you two will love each other forever?"

Kate smiled. "Exactly. And we'll love you forever too."

"Always," Johnny said quietly.

They collected the rings the next day. Rick slipped Kate's onto her finger; she put his on him. She twisted it around her finger. It felt perfect. It was light, but still noticeable. The little sapphire caught the light and shone brightly, like the ocean, she thought. Rick had wanted diamonds, but she liked this better. It matched his eyes, too.

…

_Friday Afternoon_

"You didn't!" Lanie screamed when Kate walked into the morgue.

"Didn't what?" Kate asked.

"You have a ring on your finger!"

Kate laughed. "Do you always look at my left hand first?"

"I have ever since Castle got back. It's beautiful."

"We're not engaged."

Lanie raised her eyebrows. "How are you not?"

Kate smiled. "We're just... committed. I said no."

"You said no? Wow."

"Why wow?"

"Just... never mind. You never were good at saying no to him."

Kate laughed again.

"So, if you're _not _engaged, why are you wearing a ring?" Lanie asked.

"Because I suppose... we would be, if he hadn't been married twice before."

Lanie nodded. "I got your text. I'm glad the vacation was good. Although from what I see it was more than good. It's not just the ring."

"Oh?"

"Kate. Honey. I've known you forever. And you know there is a glow. You're having sex."

Kate blushed.

"You started in the Hamptons?"

Kate nodded.

"Good for you! It was about time. Despite my best efforts – four years? He doesn't deserve you."

"He hadn't been with anyone since Gina."

"Bringing up that... witch, is supposed to convince me that he does?"

Kate sighed. "No. You aren't the only one to think he doesn't, either."

Lanie frowned. "I was joking, though. What happened?"

Kate tried not to slump her shoulders. "My Dad... he came over Monday."

"Oh. Shit."

"Exactly. I threw him out. And then had a bit of a break down... I mean, Rick and I sorted everything out. But earlier on Monday we had a fight in front of Johnny, and then... It's still such a mess."

Kate looked at her ring absent-mindedly.

"That thing isn't going to fix it," Lanie said shrewdly.

Kate bit her lip. "I know. We didn't get them because of that. It makes me feel stronger, though. I want to explain to my Dad... I wish he could understand."

Lanie nodded. "He just wants what's best for you though, honey. He's like any father."

Kate groaned. "Of course. But he's not perfect either! He's screwed up big time – and screwed me up too."

"I know, sweetie. But he wants to look out for you now. And I love Rick, I do – but he did you wrong, you can't deny it."

"I know. But I did wrong too. Everybody makes mistakes."

Lanie tutted. "Some bigger than others," she said quietly.

Kate grinned. "My favourite mistake is upstairs with Rick right now."

"CB's here? Why didn't you bring him down?"

"I wanted to talk to you. And I don't like bringing him in here, even when there aren't any bodies. Anyway – mistakes. Rick and I messed up together. And you never know, it might not have worked out if we hadn't matured a bit before we got together again."

Lanie laughed. "If you say so. I know it wasn't just him. But Kate, he went to _Africa_."

"He saved people. I'm proud of him."

"I'm not going to convince you, am I?"

Kate winked. "Nope."

"Jeez, you really are in love."

"Yep."

Lanie grinned. "I'm happy for you."

"Speaking of which – you and Javi-"

"Are not telling anyone anything. We may or may not be trying again. But we aren't taking any chances with Gates, or with you lot messing everything up."

"Me?"

"Not you. But don't you dare tell writer boy."

"Writer man."

"I know _you _still call him writer boy."

"If I called Javi what you called him-"

"Point taken. Shall we go up and see writer man and your little bit of serendipity?"

"I'm going to tell him you called Johnny that. He'll love it."

Lanie smiled, and pulled her friend into a hug. "It's good to have you back," she said.

"It's good to be back," Kate replied. They walked upstairs together.

…

_Later that afternoon_

Kate tapped tentatively on the door of the apartment she had grown up in. The doorman knew her; he had let her in, and she had a key, but she wanted to give her father a bit of control. She still had her ring on. She knew he would see it. It had occurred to her that she could take it off, but she hadn't even seriously considered the idea. Jim Beckett would have to deal with this whether he wanted to or not.

Kate wanted to be kinder, though. She felt bad for throwing him out; she thought she could have dealt with things better. But she had been tired and stressed, and he had behaved badly.

The door opened.

"Katie," Jim said cautiously. "It's nice to see you. Do you want to come in?"

Kate followed him into the main room and perched uncomfortably on the couch, politely declining his offer of tea or something to eat. He hadn't noticed the ring yet; he was too preoccupied.

"I'm sorry-" they both began at once. They smiled.

"I really am sorry," Jim said again. "I... I was rude, and you had every right to throw me out."

Kate bit her lip. "You were rude. But I understand where you were coming from. And I shouldn't have thrown you out, that was awful of me."

Jim rubbed his knee. "It wasn't awful. I mean, it was upsetting, but we were both angry. We said and did things we didn't mean. Right?"

"Right. So... we're okay?"

"We're okay."

They sat in silence for a moment. Kate could tell her father wanted to say something, and though she wished she didn't have to hear it, she told herself firmly it was his right to want to protect her.

"I just... Are you sure about him, Katie?" Jim said finally.

"Yes," Kate said gently. Jim sighed.

"He's not good enough for you."

"Is anyone?"

Jim laughed. "You have a point. But... to put it bluntly... I can't stand the man. What he did to you... I can't just forgive him."

Kate fiddled with her hair. "I... It isn't as simple as him doing something to me. I drove him away – he would have tried, if I had let him. But I drove him to Gina, and then right away. He left her for me, even though I'd told him I didn't want something like that with him. And the first time... I was using him just as much-"

"I don't want to hear about it. I'll... I'll try to accept it wasn't one sided. But you could... you could do so much better. He's ten years older than you, he's been married twice before..."

"I don't want to do better. It's not about that."

Jim sighed. "I know. But I want you to have everything."

"He is everything."

Jim frowned. "You scare me when you say things like that."

"Why?"

"Because you sound so different, so... where's your strength? Your independence?"

Kate smiled. "I still have them. But with him, I can even let my guard down a little bit. He makes me feel like-"

"Again. Don't want to hear it."

"Then I can't explain. I'm in love with him, Dad."

"Love is for equals."

Jim was speaking gently, but Kate was finding it hard not to get angry with him.

"We are equals."

"Please don't ever stoop to his level, Katie."

Kate groaned. "There's nowhere to stoop to. You love Johnny don't you?"

"Of course."

"Well he's half Rick."

"Biologically. But you brought him up."

"I'm not going to have this fight with you again, Dad. But I would love for you to be happy for me."

Jim looked out of the window, away from her.

"I'd love to be happy for you too."

Kate had had enough. She stood up.

"It's your choice. I know he's made mistakes – but everyone has! And I love him. I couldn't be happy with anyone else."

Jim turned slowly to look at her.

"You're so beautiful when you're angry. Just like your mother. She wouldn't take my advice either."

Kate laughed. "And you loved her for it."

Jim smiled sadly. "I did."

"I let him buy me a ring," Kate said quietly, showing it to her father. He tried not to wince as he looked at it, but he had to admit it was lovely.

"You're not engaged are you?"

Kate laughed. "No. But don't think you're getting off easy." She didn't explain the ring further – if her Dad knew she'd refused Rick's proposal he'd get his hopes up again.

"With you I never do," Jim sad resignedly.

"I'm going home now," Kate said.

Jim nodded. "I'd say don't come crying to me when he breaks your heart – but you can. I'm here for you, when you need me."

"He won't break my heart," Kate said. She kissed her father on the cheek and left the apartment. It could have been worse, she told herself during the drive home.

"How did it go?" Rick asked as soon as she walked in the door.

"You're as bad as Johnny. It was okay."

"Did he see the ring?"

"Yes. He said it was nice. Grudgingly. But he still said it."

Rick smiled. "So there's hope?"

"There's hope. Have you made me dinner?"

"It's just you, me, and the kid – so we're having pasta and cheese."

Kate laughed. "Where's your mother?"

"Out with Alexis. Something to do with Max..."

"There always is."

"Kids..." Rick said, laughing. "They're so useless at relationships."

Johnny came through from the kitchen. "Can we eat in front of the TV?"

"No," said both of his parents in unison. Rick grinned, as if to say, see, I'm not that bad.

"Hi, Johnny," Kate said as her son smiled at her.

"Hello Mommy. Was Grandpa nice?"

"Yes."

"Were _you _nice?"

Rick laughed. "'Course she was nice."

Johnny grinned. "Just checking. No more shouting."

Kate lifted him up into a hug. "No more shouting. I'm sorry, sweetheart."

"That's okay. Maybe later I can have some ice cream? To make me feel better..."

Kate laughed loudly. "Nice try. Maybe we'll all have some."

They walked through to the kitchen and sat down to eat. Kate watched Rick as he talked to Johnny, and was once again reassured that she had made the right choice.

_**Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it, and please review. Also, when it's the end, I'll let you know - and it's not quite yet! Loads of love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	53. Chapter 53

CHAPTER 53

Rick listened from the doorway as Kate put Johnny to bed, twisting his ring around his finger with his thumb, thinking about why it was there. He'd thought about it a lot. He wasn't upset exactly... She hadn't said a cruel kind of no, and he got to be with her forever, which was what he wanted! But... there had been something about it. Something... He had asked at the wrong time. But he had needed to ask. There had just been something...

When you tell a guy you don't want to marry him, you don't go on to talk about wanting your father to walk you down the aisle. If you love the guy but you never want to marry him, you aren't planning your wedding. Kate _had _said never say never; she had even said maybe one day she would say yes. But what if she had really wanted to say yes now?

It was fair enough not to want to marry him because of being wife number three. In a way he would have been less worried if she'd just said categorically no, that it wasn't ever going to happen. He could have made his peace with that.

But he had a feeling Kate Beckett still dreamed of walking down the aisle in a big white dress on her father's arm, and saying I do to the man she would spend the rest of her life with.

Kate came out of the room, leaving the door open a crack to let in some light.

"What's wrong?" she asked straight away.

Rick feigned surprise. "Nothing."

"Rick, you were just staring at your ring looking as if you hated it. Don't tell me that's nothing. You wanted to put one on me; if you can't cope with one on you-"

"No!" he said quietly, walking with her into the living room. "It's not that at all. I was just thinking..."

"Thinking what? Rick, if you have a problem, now is the time to bring it up."

"I know, I just don't want to upset you."

"You won't. Well, not irretrievably, anyway."

Rick smiled. "Okay... I'm not sure if you said no for the right reasons."

"Isn't any reason right?"

"Any reason to do with you. Not to do with your father. I _know _you want him to walk you down the aisle but that's kind of my point – if you don't want to marry me, how can you want him to walk you down the aisle?"

Kate bit her lip. Rick continued.

"I don't have to marry you. I love you; I always will. I know we're together for good. I just... If you're making decisions about our relationship based on what someone other than you thinks-"

"I'm not. Not exactly."

Rick put his arm around her. "I know it's hard. I asked at a stupid time."

"Well yeah, you did. But that's not why... I mean, the thing with my father... Every girl dreams of a big white wedding. Or when I was little most of us did. And I suppose I still do dream of having one. But everything with you is so different from that anyway. We have a son. We live together. This isn't a regular relationship."

"So why did you say no?"

"Because... I dreamed of a white wedding. But this is better than a dream. I dreamed of my father giving me away. But, while his opinion still matters to me, what we have is better than that dream."

Rick nodded. "In that case, why say maybe?"

"I... I didn't want to upset you. Marriage means something to you. Our marriage would mean something to you. If you need that, even if you just want that, I don't want to rule it out."

Rick held her tighter; his arm was still around her and he moved her in front of him.

"I don't need you to marry me. But if you want to-"

"Why don't we just leave it as no for now? We might do it one day. But even if we do, that's what a wedding is. One day. I love you. I don't need a day, because I have _every _day."

He had to kiss her, then. When he lifted his head she smiled up at him.

"You were right to be worried. I can understand why you thought-"

"No I wasn't. I know you better than that."

…

Jim stood outside the building. Kate would be working, Johnny would be at nursery – and he wanted to talk to Rick. Not to tell him to leave. Not exactly. Just to... explain things to him. The doorman let him in and he took the elevator up to the loft.

Was he doing the right thing? He didn't know. He was nervous. But he had to look out for Katie. She was all he had left.

He knocked on the door. He head the lock click, and he prepared his stony expression.

"Oh – Jim. I wasn't expecting you."

It was Martha. He had met her several times over the years, what with Kate and Johnny living with her.

"Hi, Martha. How are you?"

"Ah, same old, same old. And you?"

"Fine, fine. I was hoping to talk to your son."

"Right. Well he's out I'm afraid. He's at work, in fact."

"Work?"

Martha laughed. "He goes to work with Kate when Johnny's at nursery."

"Ah..."

"Can I pass on a message?"

"No, that's okay."

"Or you could come over later when they're back?"

Jim shook his head. He needed to catch Rick when Kate wasn't around. Martha frowned.

"You don't look happy, Jim. Do you want to talk about it?"

Jim shook his head again. Martha was nice, he was sure, but he wouldn't consider her his friend. She was far too...

"Look, darling, something is clearly eating you. Now I'm not so sure if I want you to talk to my son."

_Maybe I don't want you to have anything to do with my daughter! _he thought angrily, but he knew that was wrong. Martha had never been anything but kind to Kate.

"You want him to back off, don't you?" she asked. Jim sighed.

"I just want to talk to him... He's-"

"An idiot who doesn't deserve her. But he's worked damn hard to appease her, and she wants him. They're in love – who are we to get in the way?"

Jim hadn't expected that she would agree with him about her son. "I have to protect her."

"Do you want her to be happy?"

"Of course! What kind of a question is that?"

"A simple one, with an easy answer. This one will be harder. Is he making her happy – in your opinion?"

"How should I know?"

"You've seen her. How does she seem?"

Jim thought about it. "Happy," he said. "Far too happy. Happier than I've ever known her."

"Then you have your answer, don't you? You don't like it, I had to get used to it, but they... they work together. They fit."

"It doesn't make sense."

"The best relationships never do make sense. But it isn't about sense."

"Without sense you have-"

"Chaos. They fight. They argue. They don't agree on everything. But they're in love. They find compromises. They enjoy their mess, their mistakes. They fix them – or in Johnny's case, they love them."

Jim sighed. "I can't change it, can I?"

"No. But you can be her friend. You can be her father."

"That's all I want..." he said slowly, trying not to get upset. "She's so angry with me, but all I wanted to do was warn her, just in case."

"She's grown up, Jim. She doesn't need to be warned. She needs to be accepted."

Jim stayed silent for a while, still standing in the doorway. Then he nodded.

"Thank you."

"Any time, dear."

He left, mulling over Martha's words in his mind, trying to make peace with what was happening in his daughter's life.

…

Kate was letting Rick drive them to the nursery to pick Johnny up. As usual, it was hard to tear him away from what he was doing. Lindsay was there and Johnny was reluctant to leave her.

"He follows her around like a little puppy, talking constantly," Rick commented as he and Kate watched the children. Kate laughed.

"Now who does that remind you of?"

"Oh, no, don't say that! He's four!"

Kate grinned. "I just think it's cute."

"It is sweet. Come on Johnny, time to go," he added as Johnny dashed past them.

"They're going to the natural history museum tomorrow aren't they?" Kate asked as she picked up Johnny's coat.

"Think so. That means he has to wear the school t-shirt and cap."

"Right. Is the shirt clean?"

"We basically are married. And, yes, I took it out of the dryer yesterday. But where's the hat?"

"Uh... In your room?"

The guest room Rick had slept in when he returned was now his office; Kate had helped him unpack everything and set it up. Rick had been trying to write a little more lately; Johnny frequently pestered him in the most adorable way possible, and the hat had ended up on a lion statuette in there.

Johnny skidded to a halt in front of them. "Ready."

"Where's your lunch box?"

"Oh-" Johnny ran off again in the direction of the dining room, returning with his spiderman lunch box. He came back and gave Kate a hug.

"You're still wearing your gun!" he said, feeling it at her hip. "Did you shoot any bad guys today?"

Rick grinned. "She didn't quite. She chased one though."

"Did you catch him?"

"It was a woman. And yes, I did."

"We did."

"What Daddy means is, he _watched _while I did."

"Mommy, I think maybe he helps you a _bit_."

Kate laughed. "Maybe. A very little bit."

They got back into the car, Kate sitting in the back with her son. Rick looked at them in the mirror, chatting away.

Martha greeted them cheerfully when they got back to the apartment, but something in her expression told Kate it had been an eventful day.

"What happened?" she asked while Rick and Johnny were upstairs retrieving the cap.

"Your father was here. He wanted to talk to Richard."

Kate cringed. "Was he... was it bad?"

"No. He was very polite, and I talked to him for a while. He doesn't like me, but I think we're on the same wavelength, about you two at least."

"Really? He understands?"

"He's trying," Martha said with a smile. "How was your day?"

"Fine. Work is good. It's good to be back, I think."

"You miss the beach, don't you?"

"Everything was so simple there. Here, all the complications are right on top of us. Being together is so new – but now we have to live our lives and deal with all the usual problems as well."

Martha grinned. "You'll make it. You both seem so happy. All, actually. Johnny seems to be doing great."

"He's had a week back now. And they're going on a trip tomorrow."

"We should have Lindsay over here again."

Lindsay had been over once, it had been a great success but her parents were very involved, and seemed to plan her life weeks in advance. Kate thought the little girl was charming, and her mother and father were sweet and polite, but also very strict and organised. She liked that Johnny's life was full of spontaneity – something which she had a strong feeling had a lot to do with Rick. It wasn't just that Rick instigated spontaneous activities; being with Rick made her spontaneous too.

Kate nodded, then she and Martha went through to the kitchen to start on dinner. Rick and Johnny came back down, Johnny wearing his cap, and went into the side room where the washing machine and dryer were, getting out some laundry to sort it. It was a very domestic scene. The phone rang and Kate went to answer it, not wanting to interrupt the boys' conversation.

It was her father.

"Hi, Dad."

"Hi, Katie. I... I just wanted to say sorry. I spoke to Martha today and although I'm still _very _angry, I want you to know that I... that I'm going to try. I want to be a part of your life, and Johnny's, and if Rick comes with the two of you then I'll have to find a way to cope with that."

Kate smiled. "Thanks, Dad. It really means a lot; I know it's hard for you to say."

"I'd do anything... I love you so much, you're all I have left and I'm not going to lose you because I'm not prepared to give someone a second chance. You gave me one. In fact, you gave me a lot more than two chances. So I... I'll try."

After a little more small talk, Kate was able to hang up the phone feeling more relaxed than she had done in a week.

…

"I wonder if that was the last hurdle," she said to Rick later that night, after telling him about the conversation.

Rick laughed. "Nowhere near. I don't think we ever get to finish the hurdles."

"So tiring."

"Not necessarily. Some hurdles are fun."

"Do they count if they're fun?"

"Sure. They're what makes life interesting."

"I've had enough of interesting."

"No you haven't," he said, grinning at her.

"Fine. I haven't. But I've had enough emotional strain to last a good long while."

"I'll give you that. I'm so sorry-"

"Shh, Rick. You have nothing to be sorry for any more. It's over."

"I'm always doing stupid things – I'll be apologising to you until the day we die," he said, but his eyes were twinkling.

Kate laughed. "Fair enough. But not too much. You're best when you're fun, and not _making _the mistakes in the first place."

_**Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it, please review! I really appreciate all the comments you've left already and although I don't have time to reply to them individually, I do read them, and if you ask a specific question I do try to get back to you as soon as I can. Take care, loads of hugs and loveballs, Z xxx**_


	54. Chapter 54

_A/N: Blame Target..._

CHAPTER 54

Tuesday morning ran more smoothly than Kate had expected. Rick did almost too much, as always. She kind of missed having Johnny in the bathroom with her as she got ready; she liked their conversations. He still brushed his teeth in there though – the three of them stood in front of the mirror together, grinning as they foamed at the mouth.

Kate drove to Johnny's nursery and got out of the car with him. She gave him a hug and adjusted his cap.

"Have fun at the museum, CB," she said with a smile.

"I will! Have fun at work," Johnny said to both his parents. Rick knelt down to hug him too. Johnny hurried inside; he had seen Lindsay. Kate and Rick smiled at each other.

Rick suffered the usual ribbing at the precinct from Ryan and Esposito. Kate was pretty sure the boys had figured out that she and Rick were together, but nothing had been said out loud, and Gates definitely didn't know. Kate sipped the coffee Rick had brought her and looked at the murder board. For once, it was blank. They didn't have a case yet – which meant a day of paperwork. Rick got out his laptop and said he would write; he occasionally stopped and watched her. She told him off, but he argued that he needed the inspiration.

Kate's phone buzzed. It was a text from Alexis asking if she could come to dinner. There was a little sad face at the end of it. Kate went out of the room to call her back.

"Lex, what's up?" she asked as soon as the phone was answered.

"Nothing really, I just... It's Max. He's being really weird. We had a great time during the vacation, but I hardly saw him at all last week. We have exams soon, but I thought he would see me a bit more. We had a bit of a fight about it, but he said he was really sorry and we were going to have dinner and watch a movie tonight, nothing big, just hang out – but he just texted me to cancel, and said not to text back or call him because he has to study and he's turning his phone off."

Kate could tell Alexis was close to tears. "Sweetie... I'm sure there's an explanation. Exams can be stressful, but he isn't being fair. And of course you can come to dinner; you don't have to ask. You're always welcome."

Alexis sniffed. "Thanks. I'll... I missed a class this morning."

She sounded hugely embarrassed. Kate stifled a chuckle. "That's okay honey. I mean, don't do it a lot – but I'm sure you go to far more classes than most people on your course."

"I already got the work to catch up."

"I'd have expected nothing less. How about you do the work, then head over to the loft? I'll come straight back so we can talk a bit; your Dad will get Johnny and then he can make us dinner."

"That would be great. But, Kate?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you not tell him? I just... I mean, he'll only worry, or want to talk to me."

Kate bit her lip. "I won't tell him. But, Lex... You used to talk to him about everything. I know it's different now, I know you can't just go back to how you were, but-"

"You're right. And I will talk to him. But I want to talk to you first."

"Alright. It's going to be okay."

"Thanks, Kate."

"No problem. See you later."

They ended the call and Kate went back to the bull pen. Rick looked at her questioningly, and she smiled.

"Lex is coming for dinner."

"Oh, great! I can't wait to see her," Rick said, turning back to his writing. Kate frowned as she filled in yet another form. She hoped Alexis would be okay. Her phone buzzed again. She wanted to finish filling in the section she was on before she looked – but the buzzing continued, it was a call. She picked it up without checking the caller ID.

"Hello?"

"Ms Beckett?"

The only people who called her Ms Beckett were people from Johnny's nursery.

"Yes?"

"We called you straight away – I don't want to worry you but-"

"What? What's happened to him?"

"We... I don't know."

"What do you mean?"

"Johnny's missing. We were walking around the museum, doing a head count in every room. In one room there were nine children, but in the next just eight. I was wondering if someone you knew might be at the museum today that he could have gone off with?"

Kate tried to keep calm. "No, no one. Rick and I are both at work."

She wanted to scream at the teaching assistant, and ask how they could possibly have lost him. Instead she forced herself to think like a cop. Johnny would have wandered off in the museum, they just had to look for him.

"We'll be there in ten minutes," she said. She ended the call. Rick was already standing by the door with Ryan and Esposito. He handed her the car keys.

"Use the gum ball," Esposito told her. "We'll be right behind you."

Kate nodded. She knew it wasn't a case yet, it was nothing yet. It was a little kid going into the wrong room by mistake, it was an absent minded teacher not seeing him. They would find him. He was her whole world. They would find him.

The teachers must have told the staff; when she asked at the front desk they asked if she was the mother of John Beckett. It sounded so unlike him, so detached.

"Have you found him?"

"All our staff have been notified, everybody is looking for him."

"So that's a no. Where was he last seen?"

Rick listened to her. She sounded like a cop. The museum person told them where to go and Kate set off at a run. Rick caught her up and ran at her side.

They ended up in a room full of pictures and models of sea creatures. Kate looked around. The class had gone on to look at dinosaurs. There were several other exits; someone could easily have taken him. But she wouldn't think like that. She couldn't. She had to keep it together. She turned to Rick.

"If you were in here, where would you go?"

Rick looked around, understanding what she meant.

"Sharks."

"What?"

"Johnny would look for sharks. We're in the sea."

Kate stared at the archways. They all had signs above them. No sharks though. Then she caught sight of a sign on the only closed door.

_No Entry - Exhibit Under Construction_

Rick let out a humourless laugh. "Screw sharks. I would definitely go in there."

Kate's hand was already on the door handle. She turned it slowly, praying that it wasn't locked.

The door swung open. There was a strong smell of paint; the walls, ceiling and floor were all blue to be like the sea but they weren't dry yet. And there was a set of footprints, just the right size, with the criss cross pattern that matched the underside of Johnny's chucks.

Kate ran along the trail, forcing herself not to panic. She arrived in a larger room which didn't have a painted floor – but the paint had got on his shoes so she still had something to follow. They stopped in front of a large window with big velvet curtains. Kate swept them back-

And there he was, fast asleep. Rick let out another laugh.

"This reminds me so much of Alexis," he said quietly as Kate pulled her little boy into her arms. He woke up.

"Hey, Mommy. Why-"

"Don't you ever do that to me again," Kate sobbed into him, cradling him to her as she collapsed on the floor. Rick sat down beside her and put his arms around her and his son. Johnny was crying too now; Kate had progressed to nearly laughing with relief.

…

Alexis was waiting for them when they got back to the apartment; Rick had texted her when they were on the way there. She hugged Johnny as soon as he went through the door. He was fairly confused – he didn't know why everyone was so worried.

"I was just sleeping," he said to her. She laughed. "Next time, sleep where someone can see you."

Johnny bit his lip. "Were you very scared?"

Kate smiled weakly. "Very. But now I'm just happy you're okay."

Rick took her hand and squeezed it. They went through to the kitchen to make dinner.

"I thought-" she said when Johnny was out of earshot.

"Me too. But we were wrong."

"I'm still shaking..." It was true. Rick put an arm around her and hugged her tight.

"He's okay. Nothing's going to happen to him."

"If anything did-"

"Don't even think about it."

Kate nodded. "I love him more than... He's the best thing in my life."

Rick kissed the top of her head. "Mine too. Joint best. There are three of you there."

Kate smiled. "I have a three way tie for the top spot too."

"I'm glad... I know this is changing the subject, but I'm glad she likes you so much."

"You're still her number one."

"Really?"

"Of course. That's the thing with real love. It doesn't change because the other person's an idiot."

Rick laughed. "I'm a very lucky man."

"We're all lucky." Kate shuddered, thinking again about what could have happened that afternoon. Rick wordlessly took her hand and led her through to the living room to just see Johnny, playing happily with Alexis, making chugging noises as they pushed the little trains around the track. Kate watched in silence, just drinking him in. She felt silly for being so worried, for having thought the worst... But her job, and her life, had built that into her.

She wondered if this was a sign that things really were getting better. For once, the worst scenario hadn't happened – for once, the world had done the right thing.

Rick's hands settled on her waist as he stood behind her and rested his chin on her head. She took hold of them and pulled them around her, putting her hands on top.

…

"How are you doing?" Kate and Alexis asked each other at the same time. Rick was putting Johnny to bed. They laughed.

"I'm actually fine," Alexis said. She didn't look it, and Kate raised her eyebrows in a gentle question.

"I got here a while before you did. And I called Max – I wanted to talk to someone. His phone wasn't off. Before I even said anything he just said 'Not now Alexis!' so I shouted down the phone that it was fine, that I had more important things in my life, and that we were over. And it was like I'd lifted a huge weight out of my chest that I hadn't even known was there. It hurts..." she added slowly, leaning into Kate's offered hug, "but it was the right thing to do."

Kate didn't need to say anything. Not yet. Alexis would need her input, maybe not today or tomorrow but in a few days... Now she just needed to feel that she had done the right thing, and that she was loved.

…

Kate and Rick stood together in the doorway of Johnny's room, watching their son sleep. They were holding hands; they had been there for over an hour. They were both smiling, but they both had tears in their eyes.

"Do you think it could be a sign?" Rick whispered.

"What do you mean?"

"Like, that the universe doesn't hate me any more?"

Kate laughed quietly. "I don't believe in signs. But I had a similar thought earlier. So, I guess it could be."

"Maybe it means I've fixed my mistakes," Rick said gently.

Kate smiled. "You're getting there."

"I never thought I could love so much. First with Alexis, then you, then him... It's as though my heart just grows and grows; I love you all more every day."

"I know what you mean. But I think that's why it's love. It's infinite."

"And it's..." Rick smiled, putting his arm around her and moving his lips to her ear. "Always," he breathed.

_**Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it, please review. We're nearly there now - if there's anything you feel as though you **_**have ****_to see before the end, let me know and I'll see what I can do! Happy Castle Monday you awesome people._**

**_Loads of hugs and loveballs, Z xxx_**


	55. Chapter 55

_A/N: So, partially due to a good point made by a good guy, I may be withdrawing the statement that the end is near. The story is going to end eventually, and probably fairly soon since I want to start other things, however, I won't leave you hanging with the issues that are still there now, so there may be a few more chapters than I anticipated! Thanks for sticking with me so long, and I hope you continue to do so. The good guy told me he ignores author's notes – he knows who I mean – are you ignoring this one? _

CHAPTER 55

Kate sat on the end of Alexis' bed in her college dorm room, her legs crossed, facing the young woman who was seated in a similar position opposite her. It was Saturday morning and they had planned to go shopping, but Kate had taken one look at Alexis and ushered her back into the room.

Alexis had been crying her eyes out all morning. Max had called again and she had answered this time, thinking she should give him a chance to speak his piece. But instead of being the sweet, kind, intelligent guy she'd been expecting, he had shouted at her down the phone, telling her how crazy she was to end this, telling her what a huge mistake she was making, telling her she was a bitch and that she had led him on...

"...and I just can't help worrying that I have made a mistake. I was sure at the time but now... I miss him."

Kate put her hand over Alexis'.

"From the way you described the phone call, it sounds like you made the right decision. And he treated you badly – I think you've been thinking about breaking up with him for a long time – since before the Spring vacation."

Alexis bit her lip. "You're right. I have. But I thought I should give him another chance. People make mistakes, but it doesn't mean they're bad."

Kate nodded. "You're right – but some mistakes are different. Calling you what he did, getting at you about what you wear – those are warning signs and you're right to heed them. Also, you need him to be there for you. If he isn't-"

"But Dad wasn't there for you, and you forgave him."

Kate paused. Alexis was right. "It took me a long time. And while I know I love him, and I want to be with him forever-"

"You're still keeping one foot out of the door," Alexis finished for her. "I know. And I get it... I want you two to be together and be that perfect couple because I love you both and it just seems to fit. But I understand that you can't trust him."

"I think I _can _trust him. I'm just... not ready to," Kate admitted, wondering if she should really be sharing this with Rick's daughter.

"I feel the same. I almost want to punish him."

Kate thought about this. "Maybe I do to. But I don't think it's that – he's been punished enough. I hurt him, and I pushed him away. When he came back I... I wanted him so badly but I waited. And now I won't marry him."

"Do you want to? Really?"

"I don't know. That's why I said no. Because when you marry someone you have to be sure. And I'm not. I'm sure that I love him and want to be with him, I'm sure that he'll stay, but I'm... I'm not sure that I want to be his wife."

Alexis smiled. "I wouldn't want to be his wife. And I don't think... I mean, I think he wishes you would say yes. But you did the ring thing, so I guess he knows you're committed. He can wait."

"We still have some getting to know each other to do."

"I feel as though I have to get to know him all over again – and he has to get to know me. We were apart for so long... You were amazing. You were the best guide, the best parent, the best friend through those last years of high school. I love him – but you're the one who knows me now."

"You'll get to know each other again."

"He really is an idiot."

"Everyone does stupid things. And he... I understand why he stayed away. His life... He needed something that he wasn't getting. He had you-"

"But I'm not enough. It's okay, I know what you mean. When he was in Africa he was being useful, he was doing something important and using his money and skills to do wonderful things. He was helping people. When he first started following you around I told him he was stupid, that he shouldn't play cop because it was dangerous. I told him he should stop pretending and live his real life. I was worried about him, I thought he'd get hurt. He told me he loved it because he finally felt like he was doing something worthwhile. I told him he was just being selfish; he wanted to be with you so he was neglecting the family he already had and pestering you – as if he hadn't already caused you enough problems. I was cruel... I know you think you drove him away. But I helped. We were fighting so much, I hated that he was with Gina, we were drifting apart... I say he's an idiot but I should have seen it coming. He told me when he got back that part of it was he wanted to prove that he was good enough for us, that he was a worthy father and a man worthy of even just wanting someone like you."

Kate listened to this with wide eyes. She had known Alexis had been having trouble with her father before he left but she hadn't realised Alexis felt this way about it. She didn't know what to say. Her first thought was to tell Alexis not to be silly, that she hadn't driven her father away. But she realised that people had told her this too. And she had made a choice. If everything had been Rick's fault, if he had caused all this pain with no input from anyone else, she would never forgive him. Taking some of the blame, which she was sure she richly deserved, meant she could not only forgive him but empathise with him. She knew how awful he felt because she felt awful too – it allowed them to move on together. So she decided to remain silent, and not correct Alexis. Maybe the girl was right, maybe she had contributed to her father's crisis. She squeezed Alexis' hand.

"You should talk to him more. He'd love to get close to you again."

"I'd love to get close to him too."

"Do you understand why it's different for Rick and me?"

"You mean, different from me and Max?"

"Yeah."

"Yes, I understand. Also... when I see you and my Dad together... it's just different. Anyone, even strangers, can tell it's right, that you're supposed to be together. I could tell from the day I met you that you were perfect for him and he was just the one for you. And I know one night stands aren't a good idea – but I get why you did it. The connection was so obvious. I don't know if it would have worked long term; I think you weren't in a very good place and you just needed something to take you out of it for a night or two. But I'm glad you did it – it meant you ended up together eventually."

Kate laughed. "And I had Johnny. The best advertisement ever for drunken one night stands."

"It's a little worrying really," Alexis said, joining in the laughter.

Kate shook her head. "No, despite how much I like my life right now and how many things are going right... Rick and I have made a lot of mistakes. We've made the best of where we ended up, and I love where we are now. But it caused a great deal of pain and that's worth remembering."

"Would you do it again?"

"Most of it. But when he came round saying he broke up with Gina I wouldn't throw him out. I'd kiss him."

Alexis laughed. "I wonder what would have happened if you'd done that."

Kate grinned. "What if we hadn't wasted those four years..? You know what? We'll never know so it doesn't matter. We're here now. Plus.. I don't know, I think the universe has a way of righting itself anyway. Rick and I both needed to grow up. We did it apart. It might have worked if we'd tried to do it together; it might not have."

Alexis nodded. "I hope the universe sorts things out for me. Plus – that is such a Dad thing to say. And you know about couples turning into each other-"

Kate threw a pillow at her. They flopped down on the bed side by side.

"What were Dad and Johnny doing today?"

Kate laughed. "You know, I've been so absorbed with us that I forgot to even worry about it. They were going to see _my _Dad."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. They'll have been there for hours now. I hope Johnny's keeping the peace."

Alexis smiled. "I'm sure he is. It'll work out between them."

"I hope so."

"I know so. From seeing your Dad a few times, and everything you say about him... he's a good man."

"He's far more similar to Rick than either of them will ever admit. Although... a lot more serious."

"I'm glad my Dad's a laugh. But I think he'd be just the same... It's like how you would feel if I wanted to get back together with Max."

Kate nodded. "You're right. That's why I'm not really mad at my Dad. But I would try to understand you, and you know I have your back whatever you decide to do."

"I know. And I have yours. Even if you decide _never _to get married, I'll be on your side."

Kate grinned. "Don't take sides. You can be neutral."

"Right. Johnny and I will be Switzerland."

"Good. Johnny misses you, you know."

"I miss him too. I didn't know if I would – I mean, I thought it might even be easier, because I can see him when I want but don't have to be there when he's being a pain. But I miss the day to day stuff."

"I think he's growing up, too. And having Rick there takes a lot of the strain off, but I miss things about how we used to be. It was hectic, but it was nice. I miss having him in my bathroom while I get ready."

Alexis laughed wickedly. "You have my Dad – kind of the same thing."

Kate swatted her, but agreed. "They're so similar. I love it."

"Maybe in looks. But Johnny's like you as well. He's the perfect mix."

Kate smiled widely. "He is."

They talked a little more about day to day things, and made plans to go swimming the next day with Johnny. Kate wanted to get back to the loft to see how things had gone with her father – she was hoping she wouldn't have to do a lot of damage control, but it was entirely possible that she would.

"We'll have to go shopping next weekend," Alexis said as she saw Kate to the door.

"Or you could go with your dad at the beginning of the week," Kate suggested tentatively. She didn't want to push to hard, but Rick just watched her work Monday through Wednesday; she knew he was useful at the precinct but they could spare him. Getting him close to his daughter again was more important than having something to laugh at while she was at work.

Alexis bit her lip, wanting to refuse but changing her mind.

"Okay. I'll call him."

Kate gave her a hug. "See you tomorrow. And call me any time if you need to talk. Even if you wake up in the middle of the night – I'll be there."

Alexis smiled. "Thanks."

Kate nodded. She was pleased to do it. When she had been Alexis' age she had just lost her mother, at the time when she needed her most. She liked being there for someone, and she liked making sure Alexis didn't have to go through what she did. She hoped she said the right things and wasn't too blunt or Beckett-ish.

Alexis asked what she was thinking. When Kate explained, she laughed.

"You say the perfect things. Now go and check on the boys before they trash the place!"

Kate grinned. "Got it. Bye, sweetie."

"Bye, Kate."

Alexis watched the detective leave, then sat back down on the bed, smiling. She was crushed about Max, but after her conversation with Kate, she still felt lucky. She picked up a textbook from her bedside table. At least not having a boyfriend would make it easier to concentrate on her exams. She laughed at the nerdy thought, but kept thinking it. It was her, and it would have made her Dad laugh too. She wondered how the meeting with Jim had gone; she hoped for the sake of her whole family that it hadn't been as bad as, from the look on her face, Kate had been expecting.

_**So, to all those people who've been asking for a Rick/Jim conversation, look out for chapter 56! Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it, and as always, please review. Love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	56. Chapter 56

CHAPTER 56

Rick tapped on the door to Jim's apartment. This was a bad idea... Johnny was holding his other hand, smiling up at him.

"Don't worry Daddy," he said happily. Rick shook his head, chuckling. Johnny was incredibly perceptive.

The door opened and Jim stood in front of them.

"Mr Castle," he said, trying but failing to sound warm and welcoming.

"Hey, Grandpa!" Johnny said. Jim ruffled the little boy's hair.

"Hello Johnny. It's nice to see you."

Rick noticed the way the older man's eyes lit up when he spoke to his grandson. He couldn't help but be happy about it; he hadn't met anyone who didn't like his son. They followed Jim inside and he motioned for Rick to sit down on the couch. He had never been here before but Johnny seemed to know the place very well. He disappeared off somewhere and returned a moment later with a box of K'Nex. He sat on the floor and started to build something. Rick and Jim both watched him intently; it was much easier than talking to each other.

"So, uh, how's work?" Rick asked finally. Jim was a lawyer, a good one, Kate said.

"It's fine. I just won a case."

"Congratulations."

"Thank you... And... how's your work?" Jim gave the word 'work' a sarcastic edge. Rick sighed inwardly.

"It's going well. I'm a good way into the new book."

"And your research?"

Rick laughed a little. "That's going well too. I enjoy working with your daughter."

Jim frowned. "She seems to enjoy working with you too."

"It may surprise you," Rick said with a small smile, "but I'm actually useful sometimes."

Jim raised his eyebrows. "Even from Katie's description I think you're more there for entertainment value."

"Being entertaining is useful. But I've helped solve cases. I caught the guy on our first case together."

"Katie told me. She also told me she told you to stay in the car."

"Did she tell you she _handcuffed _me to the car?"

Jim laughed in spite of himself. "No – but I can believe it. How did you get out then?"

Rick was thrilled that Jim was taking an interest. "I had a key – but I dropped it. I couldn't reach it with my hand, so I took off my shoe and sock, and managed to get it with my foot. Then I unlocked myself just as I saw the suspect running down the fire escape. I called Beckett on my cell but she was too far behind so I went after him..."

Jim listened intently, enjoying this version of the story far more than Kate's diluted version. Rick reached the end of the story-

"...and we shoved him to the ground and I told her that the safety had been on the whole time."

Jim laughed loudly. "I bet she was mad about that!"

"Very. She was furious I hadn't told her. We walked off together, once I had my shoe back on, and she was still annoyed. I asked her out, but she said no."

Jim looked at Johnny. "I'm not sure I understand."

"She said no the first time. She didn't want to be one of my conquests. But I... Look, I know I've been an idiot, I've made so many mistakes, but from the moment I saw her the first time I just knew... So I went after her, stopped her from getting in her car, and asked her out again. And she said yes – I think because she felt what I felt."

Jim could see the sincerity in Rick's eyes. He still didn't like the man much, but he could see that they had more in common than he had expected. The guy was funny, intelligent, witty...

"She... I'm not stupid enough to think she'll leave you. I've seen her face when she talks about you. But... don't hurt her." Jim's tone lowered until it was close to threatening. "Don't hurt her."

Rick looked the man in the eye. "I won't," he said firmly. Jim nodded. Johnny jumped up.

"Put your hands up!" he shouted to Rick, pointing a K'Nex gun at him. Rick did so, feigning terror. Jim laughed; the serious mood had been so quickly dissolved by the little boy.

Two hours later, Rick and Johnny left Jim's apartment. Both Rick and Jim's hearts were considerably lighter. They realised it might even be possible for them to be friends one day.

…

Kate paced around the loft, wondering what had happened to them. Had it all gotten too much? Had her father finally snapped and killed her boyfriend? She sighed and flopped down on the couch. They would be back. It was a good sign that they were taking so long – it probably meant they had been talking. But what about?

The door clicked open and she jumped up. Rick grinned at her; Johnny ran in towards her. She scooped him up into a hug then shifted him to her hip as Rick came to talk to her.

"How did it go?" she asked clearly worried. Rick winked and his son.

"I think it went well," he said happily. Johnny nodded enthusiastically.

"And you guys were talking?" Kate said, her surprise showing in her voice.

"Yeah – we actually get on okay."

"But what did you talk about?"

"Oh, nothing much... just, you know, small talk."

Kate looked at Johnny. "They talked about _you,_" he said gleefully. Kate raised her eyebrows at Rick.

"Really?"

Rick looked a little embarrassed. "Well – you're the main thing we have in common."

Kate laughed. "Fair enough. I'm just glad you guys didn't kill each other."

"Me too," Johnny said. Kate took him through to the kitchen and sat him on the counter.

"Who's hungry?" she asked, already getting out the ingredients for sandwiches.

"Me!" both her boys shouted together. She checked her phone; Martha was staying in town with her friends.

"How was shopping?" Rick asked her.

"We didn't go – we ended up just talking."

Rick frowned. "Is Lex okay?"

Kate nodded. "I mean, she's sad, but yeah, she's okay. I think she'll call you."

"Really? And not just because you told her to?"

"I suggested it – but it's still coming from her. She wouldn't call you if she didn't want to talk. And she really does."

Rick started to make a sandwich for Johnny. "I don't blame her for finding it hard. And she has you. You were there for her."

"Give her more credit," Kate said with a smile. "She knows how important you are, how much you did for. And she knows you didn't just leave through idiocy. She understands you, and she's trying... it's just hard for her. She's changed a lot in the last four years, and I think she's worried you still want to see her as the fifteen year old you left."

Rick looked at her. "I don't. I know she's grown up. But I'd... I'd have a hard time trusting me now."

"She knows you aren't going anywhere. She just needs time. And time with you."

"Do you think she really wants it?"

"Of course! You were a wonderful father to her for fifteen years. She hasn't forgotten. You know, one of the things that drew me to you was how close you were to your daughter. It showed me that you were more – it was my first clue that the tabloids were wrong."

"But I screwed it up."

"No you didn't. Well, you did, but not in a way that isn't fixable. And you didn't screw it up alone. But you need to have this conversation with her, not me."

Rick nodded, and handed Johnny the sandwich.

"Alexis still likes you," he said to his father. Rick caught his eye.

"I hope so."

"I know so. She told me."

"She did?" Kate asked.

"Yeah. When we were playing... I don't remember what day. But she asked me something about Daddy, and I said he was funny, and she said he's the best. She said we're very lucky to have such a great family."

Rick smiled. "I think I'm very lucky to have this family too."

Kate grinned. "I know I'm very lucky."

_**Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it, please review. It's a little short but I want the Rick/Lex stuff to have a chapter of its own so this is the way it's going to be :P Take care, love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	57. Chapter 57

CHAPTER 57

Rick glanced at his phone. It was Monday morning, he was on his way up to Alexis' dorm room. He was nervous to say the least; they had arranged to go shopping, but he had barely been alone with his daughter since he got back from Africa, and he knew he had a long way to go with her. He was determined, though, and she had called to ask him to come, so she must have wanted to improve their relationship too.

Kate had sent him a text, a little winking face. He laughed. It would mean a lot to Kate if this went well. He reached Alexis' door and knocked.

"Hey Dad," she said as she opened it. She was smiling; that was good.

"Hey, sweetie. How are you?"

Alexis picked up her purse and stepped through the door, locking it behind her.

"I'm fine. No class today – we're all supposed to be studying," she said, making a face. "But I did a lot at the weekend, and I'm sick of books."

Rick laughed. "I know the feeling."

Alexis laughed too. "How are you? How's the book coming?"

"Nikki's progressing – she should be in stores for the summer."

"Wow – that's soon!"

Rick grinned. "Not really – considering it was finished over four years ago."

"But still. Has Kate read it?"

"Not yet. I don't know how to start the subject with her, you know? I mean, it's..."

"You _really _want her to like it, don't you?"

Rick winked. "You always did see right through me."

They were walking to the subway stop now. "Have you thought about why she hasn't asked you if she can see it?"

"No... I guess she just isn't interested? She's had a lot to think about, I doubt it's at the forefront of her mind."

Alexis chucked. "You can think that if you like."

"What do you mean?"

"She's waiting for you to be ready to show her," Alexis said patiently. They swiped their cards and took the stairs down to the train.

"Would you read it?"

Alexis was surprised. "Yeah, sure. I'd love to."

Rick smiled. "You can tell me if she'll like it."

"I'm sure she will. But I'd be happy to read it for you."

"Thanks Lex. Means a lot."

"No problem."

They were standing in the subway; there were seats available but they both preferred to stand, swaying with the movement of the train. Rick looked at his daughter. He could tell she was trying hard to be cheerful, but she didn't look happy.

"Honey, are you..." he wasn't sure what to say. He knew he wasn't as close to her as he had been; four years ago he would just have asked straight out – except he wouldn't have had to, because she would have told him already. "Are you doing okay?"

Alexis bit her lip. Rick noticed yet again how much she seemed to look like Kate now. "I will be," she said quietly. "I don't really want to talk about it."

Rick nodded. "That's okay. So, what do you want to buy?" he asked, going for a change of subject which would stop his daughter's face looking as though she had been slapped in the face. Alexis pulled her mouth into a smile.

"Lots," she said. Rick laughed. It was a familiar joke. Alexis was one of the most unspoiled children he knew, through no fault of his own. He loved buying her things, but she took a long time choosing and would never let him overspend. They got off the subway and began walking through the streets, going into every store that took their fancy. Alexis felt her mood lighten as her father's easy, joking attitude infected her; soon she was laughing freely to all of his jokes. There was a lot still unsaid, but she felt closer to him than she had done in ages.

He suggested they stop for lunch at about 1pm, and Alexis was more than happy to pause. She'd bought one top – and had insisted on buying it with her own money. They ordered some food and sipped iced tea; it was turning into a warm day. Rick watched Alexis over his drink, hoping she was having fun. He loved taking her shopping, though he wished she would let him spend his money on her. She blinked.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer," she said. _And you can take it to Africa with you_, she commented in her head. She wanted to kick herself. He was trying; so was she. She wanted this to work, she still loved him, he was fun, he seemed to have changed, and she was having a great day. She smiled at him.

"Thanks for coming today. I'm having fun."

"I'm glad," he said. "Thanks for inviting me."

Alexis grinned. "It was Kate's idea. It reminds me of when you first met her."

"How d'you mean?" Rick asked, intrigued.

"Well, I was the one trying to get you two together. And now Kate's doing what I did, setting us up, encouraging us to talk. I know it's not the same, but it's kind of funny how roles change."

Rick laughed. "I see what you mean. But I don't think our roles have changed much. You're still the parent, definitely."

Alexis stuck her tongue out. "Maybe," she said, "but you've become a lot more... parent-y. You were different from the day you got back. But Johnny's helping you too. You're great with him."

"So are you," Rick commented.

Alexis shook her head. "I mean, sure, I love him to bits; we get on great. But you're... you're his Dad. It's undeniable. And no one would be better at it."

Rick smiled. "You want to tell me about it now?"

Alexis bit her lip. Her father could read every flicker of emotion that crossed her face; he was even better than Kate.

"It's... Max. You know we broke up?"

Rick nodded.

"Well, I... I don't know what to do. Because I broke up with him, and my head _knows _it was the right decision. It wasn't working, it hadn't been for a while, I thought a lot about it and I ended things. He called me a lot, and I felt bad, I thought I should at least talk to him. But when I did answer one of his calls he just yelled at me, called me names, said I was an idiot..."

"It sounds like you made the right decision," Rick said gently.

"That's what Kate said. But..."

Rick waited for her to be ready to speak.

"...But I don't know. Because no matter how sure my head is, my heart... Whenever I even _think _about him I get butterflies in my stomach. Part of me doesn't even care if he's jealous, because I want him to be, I want him to want me and need me and be bothered... But that's wrong! I know I shouldn't feel that way but I... We're bad for each other. We mess with each others heads, we screw up all the time and we fight and... And I don't know what to do without him."

Rick reached out and put his hand over hers.

"Different people tell you different things about listening to your head or your heart. I think it's a combination... But if your heart isn't happy, your head doesn't have a chance."

Alexis sniffed, trying not to cry. "Daddy, what should I do?" she said quietly.

Rick took a deep breath. "You know I can't give you a straight yes or no answer. But I suppose... There are two sides to it. Kate and I don't work on paper. We mess each other up. But we... we have that spark, and we also have the understanding to cope with each other. However, Max seems... there are some things which create warning signs, like the jealousy thing, and calling you what he did. You have to take that seriously. And you're a smart, strong woman now, Lex. You'll figure it out."

Alexis wiped the tears that were trickling down her cheeks. "People say I'm a woman – but I still feel like a little girl."

Rick got up and pulled her into a hug. "Maybe you can be both."

Alexis cried openly into his shirt. "I think I'm in love with him," she said. "It's stupid, it's crazy, but part of the reason I like him is he's strong. He has a temper, he cares about things – but I like that."

Rick didn't know what to say. His first instinct was to tell his daughter to get as far away from this man as possible, but he knew that wouldn't solve anything. And if she really was in love with him... She was the only one who would ever leave. If he told her what to do she would always wonder what would have happened if she'd made the choice herself.

"Do you think it could work?" she asked when she had calmed down and they were sitting again.

"I think it could. And even if... Even if it doesn't, you have to make your own mistakes. I can't make them, or fix them, for you."

Alexis nodded. "Then I think I want to talk to him."

"Okay. But promise me if he does anything to scare you, or God forbid ever does anything violent-"

"I keep pepper spray in my room, I go to self defense classes, and I may love him, but I'm not stupid."

Rick smiled at his daughter. "Then let's have lunch."

They shopped all afternoon. Rick offered Alexis dinner at the loft but she turned it down. She wanted to talk to Max. Rick understood.

"Call me later and tell me how it goes?" he asked as he left. "Or Kate – she'll want to know how things went."

Alexis smiled. "I'll call you, Dad. I... Thanks for taking me out today. You've been great."

"I had a great time too. You have a good evening, sweetheart."

Alexis hugged him. "Thanks. You too. I love you Daddy."

Rick smiled and hugged her tightly, feeling his eyes well up with tears. He left her room and got a cab home. It was quite late, he hoped Kate wasn't too tired. His mother had been at her studio all day and would almost certainly be in her room now. Kate would have had to deal with Johnny and chores and making dinner... He'd make it up to her though. She would be pleased at how the day had gone. He'd run his Max advice by her too. He thought she'd agree, but he didn't know if he knew as much about Max as she did.

…

Alexis sat down on her bed and pressed call.

"Alexis? I am _so _sorry, I was such an asshole, I didn't think you would call but thank you so much I'm so sorry-"

"Max."

"Oh, you just want your stuff back don't you?" he asked dejectedly. Alexis couldn't help but laugh.

"No. I... You're an idiot. And you acted like an asshole."

"I know, I know! And believe me, I have been beating myself up over it so much! I'm so sorry, so sorry-"

"Okay."

"Okay? Okay, as in, you accept my apology and want us to be friends?"

Alexis laughed. "No. Okay as in, I accept your apology and want you to come to my room."

"Really?"

Alexis loved hearing the hope in his voice. It was irresistible. Suddenly she understood Kate even more.

"Really. My roommate isn't here, either."

Max laughed. "You're perfect, amazing – you know that?"

Alexis spoke through her laughter. "Yes. Now hurry up!" she said, then ended the call. She felt wonderful. A small part of her was doubtful, knowing that the problems she and Max had were still there, but right now, she'd had a wonderful day with her father, and she wasn't alone any more.

…

Kate frowned. "She wants to be with him?"

Rick nodded. "She said she thinks she loves him."

Kate sighed. "Well, he sounded great when she first started going out with him. And he was nice when I met him. So who am I to argue with love?"

"I just hope she doesn't get hurt."

Kate went over to Rick and wrapped her arms around him.

"Everybody gets hurt. It's how we fix it, and how everyone fixes it, that means something."

Rick leaned down and kissed her. He had been going to say something, but the kiss took away the need for words. He scooped her off the ground, at which she squealed delightedly, then carried her into the bedroom.

"I guess I have to give Max a chance."

Kate laughed. "You and he do have a lot in common," she said as Rick put her down on the bed. "But how about we let the kids do their own making up, and put them out of our minds for a little while?"

Rick sat on the bed beside her, laughing as well. "That sounds like an excellent plan."

_**Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it, I love you, please review! Loads of hugs and loveballs, Z xxx**_


	58. Chapter 58

CHAPTER 58

Rick went to work with Kate on Tuesday morning. He hadn't heard from Alexis on Monday night but he woke up to a text from her saying that things had gone well with Max. Kate's phone binged at almost the same time and he looked at her.

"What does yours say?" he asked. Kate looked at him apologetically.

"It says 'Call me later'," she answered. Rick laughed.

"Don't look so sorry that she didn't say that to me. She wants to talk about girl stuff. I do not want to know."

Kate grinned. "You don't mind hearing about my girl stuff."

Rick laughed. "That's very different. And, honestly..."

Kate raised her eyebrows. "If you're my boyfriend, you're going to hear about the girl stuff."

Rick winked. "Boyfriend feels weird. I mean... we are boyfriend and girlfriend I guess. But we have so much history..."

Kate stuck her tongue out. "I'm not your wife."

"You're my work wife. And my home wife, to be honest."

Kate laughed. "I don't mind being a girlfriend. It makes me feel young."

Rick pulled her to him; they were in the kitchen getting coffee.

"You are young," he said as he leaned in to kiss her.

"Thanks," she said into his mouth. "But I'm going to turn thirty-three this year!"

Rick laughed. "I'm forty-three! I barely even remember being thirty-three."

"No kissing in the kitchen," Johnny said from behind the counter.

"Since when?" Kate asked him, raising her eyebrows at him over Rick's shoulder.

"Since I'm hungry. Alexis says I'm going to be scarred for life from living with you two. What does that mean?"

Rick laughed. "Nothing. She's being silly."

"I asked Grams."

"And what did Grams say?"

"She said you do too much kissing in too many rooms."

Kate laughed. "Sorry. We'll try to, ah, not."

Johnny grinned. "I don't mind. I just think it's silly."

Rick reached around to grab Kate's ass; Johnny couldn't see. "I think it's silly too," he said. Kate stepped away from him and went to make Johnny some cereal. They got him to school early as usual and made it to the precinct on time, though Ryan and Esposito were already waiting for them.

"Late as usual," was Ryan's greeting. "Get carried away this morning?"

Rick laughed and winked at his friend. Ryan grinned. "Did you?" Rick asked, straightening the cop's collar. Ryan reddened and put a hand up to flatten his hair. Espo laughed.

"It's Jenny. She wants _babies_."

Kate made a face. "I'll talk her out of it if you want," she joked to Ryan. Ryan smiled.

"I don't mind. It's just getting a little... not romantic."

Rick laughed again. "Better than blind drunk."

"Do you think that would help her get pregnant?"

Kate laughed. "Maybe. But it could just be I'm very fertile."

Espo grimaced. "And this is when the conversation goes somewhere I am not interested in. To turn it back, Detective, how is Castle in the sack? Is he any good?"

Kate raised her eyebrows. "Do you want to borrow him, Espo?"

Rick pretended to look terrified. Espo laughed.

"No thanks. He's not tough enough."

"Or Lanie enough," Ryan added.

"How's Johnny?" Espo asked. Everyone at the precinct had heard about the little museum scare now, and though there hadn't been any real danger, they were all relieved on Rick and Kate's behalf.

"He's great," Rick said. Kate nodded. "He's growing. He's going to be tall like his Dad."

Ryan sighed. "Poor kid; such an inconvenience."

Rick laughed. "No it's not. You're just jealous."

Espo patted his partner on the back, causing Ryan to stumble forward. "Watch it partner, Castle's stronger than you now."

Kate smiled to see the three boys getting along so well. Things had been more than a little awkward when Rick had first come back, but he was winning everyone over. It was working because it was honest; he was genuinely sorry, and he was working hard to rebuild his old friendships.

The morning went by quickly; they had caught another body the day before and were running down several leads. Kate and Rick ended up outside a cafe at lunchtime. They had just interviewed a spectacularly unhelpful witness, and Kate decided it was time to call Alexis. She sent Rick off to buy lunch for the crew at the precinct and call his agent about something to do with the book and sat down at a little table in the sun.

Alexis answered on the first ring; Kate hoped she hadn't been waiting all morning for the call.

"Hey," Kate said.

"Hi," Alexis replied. She sounded okay. Kate wanted her to sound happier.

"How did it go?" Kate asked, getting straight to the point. There was a pause.

"Good," Alexis said eventually. "I mean... It was good."

"You sound... not as happy as I would like you to be."

Alexis didn't speak for a while. "I think maybe I made a mistake."

Kate waited.

"I mean, we've... I just, it was all so fast, and I think I _love _him, but I... I don't know why it's a big deal. We've done it before. Lots. It was just... different this time."

Kate bit her lip. "Different how?"

"I don't know... He was different. It wasn't..."

"Do you want to do this in person?"

Alexis laughed. "No. That would be even more embarrassing. I just... It felt wrong. It felt like... It was great. It was amazing. I mean, I've never felt anything like that before. But it was... It was almost like he was proving a point, like he was claiming me."

Kate thought she knew what the girl was talking about. She didn't particularly want to say it, but she was a master of putting things bluntly when it needed to be done.

"I think you're trying to say that he didn't make love to you. He fucked you."

"I liked it," Alexis said in a small voice.

Kate smiled. "Sometimes that's what you need. I... Look, honey, I don't know him very well. You do. You know him, and you know what you want from him. I think the important thing here is how you feel about it – did you call me because you're upset, or because you feel weird because you did something you've not really done before and that feels strange?"

There was another pause. "The second one," Alexis said finally, but she said it firmly. "I'm sorry to talk to you about this-"

"Don't be. I'd much rather you talked to me than didn't – you need to know you can come to me with anything."

"Does it make me a bad person that I liked it?"

Kate smiled again. "Not at all. But... You know I have to look out for you. So I have to say, if he ever worries you-"

"I know. I'm not worried about him. I'm more worried about me."

Kate laughed. "Don't tell your father. But you really are growing up."

Alexis laughed too. "Maybe."

"You can jump Max next time," Kate said with a grin.

Alexis laughed harder. "I think I will."

"Did you use-"

"Kate. I love Johnny. But he is not going to be an uncle any time soon."

Kate laughed. "Just checking. I know from experience that it's harder than people say to, ah, remember."

"I don't know. I find it easy," Alexis teased.

"Hey. You really are your father's daughter."

"Have you and... I _really _don't want to know. But you guys are the best couple I know. So I-"

"Whatever you're asking, the answer is very likely to be yes."

Alexis laughed. "Ew."

"So. You sure you're happy?"

When Alexis answered Kate could hear the smile in her voice. "Yes. He stayed with me after, he's actually only just gone. And he's taking me out to dinner this evening. I feel like... Like a traitor to feminism. He held me all night."

Kate laughed. "You can be a feminist another time. You make sure he keeps you happy, okay?"

"Yeah, I will."

"And you invite him here for dinner so the four of us can glare at him. Lots."

"Even Johnny's glaring?"

"Johnny can already do my look. It's quite intimidating when I see it on someone else."

Alexis laughed. "Thank you."

"No problem, kid. Take care."

"You too. Love you."

"Love you too," Kate said quietly. It wasn't the first time she'd said it, in fact she'd said it often. But she knew at that moment that she was in a family. She wasn't Alexis' mother, but she loved that girl like a daughter all the same. She saw Rick coming back.

"How is she?" he asked.

"Fine. Good."

"And Max?"

"Good too. I think they'll be alright."

"I hope so. I want her to be happy with someone."

"She's young yet. He might be the one, they might drift apart. But I think it's working now. She's happy, anyway."

What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him, Kate thought as Rick grinned at her. She wanted to get to know this Max. From how Alexis had sounded, he really was like Rick.

"How's Nikki?" she asked.

"The book'll be printed in a month."

"Well that's great!"

"I'll get a couple of advance copies at the end of the week. Do you... Do you want one?"

Kate grinned. "I'd love one."

Rick pulled her into a hug. "I hope you like it."

"I'm sure I will. Now let's go solve this murder."

Rick followed her back to the car carrying the bags full of sandwiches. He loved his life.

_**Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it, please review! Loads of hugs and loveballs, Z xxx**_


	59. Chapter 59

CHAPTER 59

Kate tapped on the door to Alexis' dorm room. Maybe she should have called first? She was a little relieved when Alexis opened the door to show she was alone in the room.

"Max isn't under the bed is he?" Kate asked. Alexis laughed.

"No. Why would you think that?"

Kate grinned. "I may or may not have hidden a boy under a bed in my time."

Alexis sat down and motioned for Kate to sit beside her.

"That sounds like a good story."

"Oh, it is," Kate said.

"Care to share?"

"You're just avoiding talking about you."

"We've talked about me lots today. How did you know to come over? I was going to call you."

Kate smiled. "I just... had a feeling."

"Experience again?"

"Which story do you want? The boy under the bed one is funnier."

Alexis grinned. "I think I want the funny one."

Kate lay back on the bed.

"Gosh. So long ago now."

Alexis lay beside her.

"Does my Dad know it?"

Kate laughed. "No. I don't know if it's the sort of thing he'd want me to share with him, since it involves me being in bed with another guy."

"Go on," Alexis said.

"Okay. So I was sixteen, and dating... well he was pretty much a grunge rocker. He had a motorcycle and tattoos, he was twenty, I thought he was wonderful... He was my first _real _boyfriend, none of that high school rubbish – that's what I thought. But my parents were very keen on education and me being a good little girl. My mother knew about him – Brad, his name was. My father had no idea, and Mom didn't have much idea really. She thought I just went to his concerts. They would never have let him in the house.

Brad and I had been going out a few months and my parents went away for the weekend. I was supposed to be studying for one set of exams or another, but Brad had come over instead. Most of what we did was actually pretty innocent – we put on loud music and danced around the apartment, drank a bottle of my parent's wine, watched bad television, played scrabble even! Brad was very careful not to push me – but I was convinced I was ready. So on Sunday night Brad and I ended up in my room." Kate was smiling at the memories. Alexis looked at her.

"He sounds cool."

"He was."

"But don't stop the story."

Kate laughed. "Things were going great, I was loving it. I was very inexperienced but Brad was great at making me think I was far better than I was. Things got pretty intense- and we heard the front door. My parents had decided to come back that night rather than Monday morning."

Alexis gasped. "So you hid him under the bed?"

"I had no idea what to do. And my closet wasn't big enough. So I shoved him under the bed. He wasn't wearing a stitch. I pulled on pyjamas and lay back in bed – forgetting that it was barely after 8pm. My Dad came into my room – I remember it so vividly. I was petrified. I was convinced he would kill Brad if he found him – and throw me out of the house. So he came in and asked how my weekend had been. I said it had been fine. I told him I was in bed already because I wasn't feeling very well. He told me my Mom wasn't either – she'd gone straight to bed. I almost had a heart attack – my Mom wasn't any softer than him, but she was usually more reasonable in a crisis. It was all going okay, I was handling my Dad fine, until-"

She paused for effect, looking over at Alexis. Alexis narrowed her eyes.

"Until he saw the pack of condoms on the nightstand. 'Katherine Beckett, what in God's name are these doing here?' he said, his voice as cold as ice. I stumbled over my words for a bit and eventually came out with something about a science project. I thought he might even buy it – until there was a loud laugh from under the bed, and Brad put his head out. 'Seriously, Kate? You're calling this a science project?' My Dad was livid, of course. He threw Brad out, took away the condoms, and told me I was grounded until I was twenty. I went crazy, obviously, and we ended up in a huge shouting match, so loud Mom came in. She realised what had happened and wordlessly took the condoms from my Dad and handed them back to me, saying 'If she's going to do it at least she's got the sense to do it safely'. Then she said, 'Good to see you, Katie', took my Dad's hand, and led him out of the room. The door closed behind them and I thought I might be dreaming."

"Your Mom sounds great," Alexis said.

"She was," Kate replied. "I mean... I didn't always see it. But she was fantastic."

"I think you have to be older to appreciate it," Alexis said quietly. "I appreciate you. You know that, right?"

Kate took her hand. "I know."

"Your Mom was amazing if she was half as good a mother as you are."

Kate pulled Alexis into a hug. "You're very sweet."

"I'm just honest. I... I'm so glad you and Dad are together now. I mean, Dad and I still have lots of talking to do. But there are some things girls aren't supposed to talk to their Dads about, and you're the best person in between us I can imagine."

Kate smiled. "I'm glad Rick and I are together too. I love being a part of this family."

Alexis was quiet for a while.

"You want to talk any more about Max?" Kate asked. Alexis smiled.

"He's coming over later. He texted me loads today..." her smile faded a little.

"What's up?"

"I'm worried it's... He's being more attentive than he ever was, checking on me all the time. It's sweet, and I like it, but... I'm worried it's not real. I'm worried he's not being real."

Kate thought about this. "He probably thinks he has to, to prove to you that you made the right choice taking him back. Call him out on it."

"How?"

"Up to you. It's all up to you. Which is kind of scary... But if there's something worrying you, the best advice I can give you is to talk to him about it. And if that doesn't work-"

"Then we have a much bigger problem."

"Yeah. Pretty much," Kate said.

"I think it'll work out. You should go home before Dad and Johnny eat you out of chocolate ice cream."

Kate laughed. "Will you call later?"

"Would you mind if I called my Dad?"

Kate grinned. "I'd be thrilled."

Alexis smiled. "Then I'll call him later."

"Good luck, honey."

"Thanks. Kate?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you ever marry him?"

Kate bit her lip and fiddled with her hair as she walked towards the door. She didn't have an answer. She knew she should. She knew she should say yes, she was sure it should be easy. But it wasn't.

"Talk to you soon sweetie," she said, and gave Alexis a hug. Alexis looked into her eyes.

"He's an idiot, and I love you, but he is my father and if you hurt him-"

"Never," Kate whispered.

Alexis smiled. "Good. Because it would kill him if you didn't stay."

"It would kill me too."

Alexis nodded. "I'm sorry. I-"

"I'm not. It's great to hear you defend him. It feels right."

Alexis laughed. "Have a good night."

"You too," Kate said as she left the room. Once the door was closed she sighed. She wished she had an easy solution about marrying Rick. Most women she'd grown up with seemed to believe that if you loved someone, more than anything you wanted to marry them. Kate knew she loved Rick. But she... she almost didn't care about marrying him, and if she had any feelings about it they were fearful or negative. She didn't want to marry him just because she thought she should, and she knew it wouldn't be fair on anyone in the long run if she married him when she wasn't ready. She wasn't sure what she thought would go wrong; she knew she wouldn't leave him, she knew they made a good couple. So why not get married? If it wouldn't change anything, what was the harm?

The problem was, she could also use that idea as an argument against getting married. If it wouldn't change anything there was no point.

Rick wanted to marry her. But Rick saw marriage differently. He had always been very keen on it, he'd been married twice before. Kate... had always pictured herself getting married one day to the man of her dreams. But when she pictured marrying Rick it wasn't the same. No matter how much she thought it should be, it just wasn't.

She had just told Alexis that if she was worried about anything, the best thing she could do was talk to her boyfriend about it. Yet... How could she tell Rick? What would she say? Why don't I want to marry you? He was worried about it too. The ring thing... She twisted her ring around her finger. She loved it. It was beautiful, it had been a good idea and a good day... but it wasn't the same as marriage, and no matter how much commitment the rings symbolised, there was something different about being legally joined to another person. It was bigger.

She got a taxi home; Rick had dropped her off here and then driven Johnny back to the loft. Martha took one look at her when she came in and hurried her straight upstairs.

"Sit," Martha said once they were in her room. Kate sat in an armchair.

"Explain," Martha said simply. Kate wondered when Martha had got to know her so well. She didn't remember a day when the older woman hadn't been almost able to read her thoughts. She leaned back and put her hands over her eyes.

"What?" Martha asked.

"What, what?" Kate said, still with her eyes covered.

"I know Alexis is fine. She texted me. So this is about you. What has she been getting you to think about?"

Kate laughed and sat up again. "Can everyone in your family read minds?"

"Just the women. And not in detail. Are you okay, kid?"

"I... yeah. I will be."

"This is about the damn proposal, isn't it?"

Kate sighed. "Why can't I say yes? I mean, shouldn't it just be like _that_, shouldn't it be easy?"

Martha laughed. "You can't say yes because he asked too early. And I don't know if it should be easy. I've been married twice. Both times it was wonderful at first and I said yes in an instant – and both marriages ended appallingly badly. Take what you like from that."

Kate groaned. "But I love him. Doesn't that mean I should marry him?"

Martha laughed again. "Remember which century you live in, Kate."

Kate sighed. "Right. But I mean... marriage is about commitment, about wanting to tell the world that you love someone. It's to legally join yourself to them forever. It all makes sense. Those are all things I should want to do."

Martha sat down on the arm of the chair.

"Sometimes I forget that you lost your mother when you were so young – you're such a mother to everyone..."

Kate felt tears trickling down her cheeks and Martha pulled her into a hug.

"Do you think it could be about that?" Martha asked quietly. Kate bit her lip.

"I have so many people who love me. I'm lucky."

"It's possible to be very lucky and very unlucky at the same time. But don't over think it, sweetheart. Don't push yourself. Don't do anything you aren't ready for. And don't feel pressured by a man who likes to think of himself as a master of spontaneous romantic gestures – he did it because he's in love. You're in love too. You're both smart enough to sort something out."

Kate leaned against Martha, feeling, just as the woman said, very lucky and very unlucky at the same time. She loved Martha, and Martha was wonderful at caring for her and being motherly. But at the same time, being held by Martha was a reminder that her own mother was dead. She thought about the story she had told Alexis earlier and laughed to herself.

"I wasn't even smart enough," she said quietly. Martha looked at her but Kate shook her head.

"I was just thinking about my Mom," she said. "She thought too well of me."

"I find that hard to believe."

Kate laughed. "You didn't know me at sixteen."

Martha smiled. "That's true. But I know you now. Could you do me a favour?"

Kate nodded. "Sure," she said, wiping her eyes and smiling genuinely.

"Stop worrying so damn much."

Kate laughed.

"I'll try."

Martha stood up and tugged Kate to her feet.

"Good girl. I'm going downstairs now. You're going to put your mask on – I'd tell you not to but that's for another day I think. And then you're going to come down and let them make you feel like the wonderful woman you are."

Kate smiled. "Deal."

Martha left the room chuckling. Children. Poor things. But she knew they would be alright in the end.

_**Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it, and please review! Love and hugs, Z xxx**_


	60. Chapter 60

CHAPTER 60

Kate paused on the stairs, watching Rick play with Johnny. They had the train set out on the living room floor. Martha had settled herself on the couch and was reading a magazine; Kate thought she should start dinner but she saw Rick turn around and followed his eyes; he was already cooking something in the kitchen. Johnny looked up and spotted her.

"Mommy!" he shouted, getting up and running towards her. She hurried downstairs and lifted him into a hug.

"Hey CB. How are you?"

"Good," he said happily. "I have to ask you something."

"Oh yes?"

"Can I go round to Lindsay's house after nursery tomorrow?"

Kate looked over his shoulder at Rick, who nodded with a smile.

"Sure. Do you know when I should get you?"

"Lindsay said her Mom would bring me back. But I think you're meant to call her."

Kate nodded. "Okay. I'll call them now."

"And then it'll be dinner time," Rick added. "How was Alexis?" he asked Kate.

"Fine. She's going to call you later."

"She's going to call me?" Rick sounded surprised. Kate smiled.

"You are her father."

Rick grinned. "I'll go check on dinner."

Kate took out her phone as Johnny followed his father into the kitchen.

"Is Mommy okay?" Johnny asked his father once Kate was busy making the phone call.

"Yeah," Rick said, looking down at his son. Johnny didn't look convinced.

"She's sad," he stated. Rick frowned.

"She's... sad things have happened to her. Sometimes she feels sad when she remembers them."

"Before you came... she was sad before you came."

Rick winced inside. "I..."

"She's much happier now you're here."

"I'm glad," Rick said with a hitch in his voice.

"It's different now."

Rick wondered what the boy meant. Things must have changed in their household, he supposed it was very different for Johnny.

"What's different?" he asked.

"I don't know," Johnny said, then ran out of the room. Kate saw him run from the kitchen as she ended the call arranging for him to go to Lindsay's. She followed him into his room and found him lying face down on the bed. She sat on the edge of it and put her hand on his back.

"What's the matter?" she asked.

"Nothing!" he almost shouted. "I'm fine!"

Kate noticed how like her he sounded when he said that. She scooped him up off the bed and held him on her lap, scooting back so she was leaning against the wall.

"Tell me, CB," she said quietly. He turned his face into her shoulder. He was crying. Kate held her son tightly but before she could stop herself she was crying too. Johnny looked at her then, watching the tears pour down her cheeks.

"Why are you sad?" he asked her. Kate bit her lip.

"I... I don't know. I think I... I miss my Mom."

It was a huge oversimplification, and one problem among many, but it was an explanation Johnny would understand.

"I'll look after you," Johnny said softly, wiping away her tears with his sleeve. The sleeve was dirty and the wiping was ineffective, but Kate appreciated the gesture.

"I know. You have looked after me. Will you tell me why you're sad?"

Johnny bit his lip and looked at her. Kate looked into his wide blue eyes and was amazed at such depth in the gaze of someone so small. He couldn't explain. He didn't know himself. He just wanted everybody to be happy – but in a far more complicated, sophisticated way.

"Will I always be your partner?" he asked eventually.

"Always," Kate told him firmly. This didn't seem to have the effect she'd wanted.

"Shouldn't Daddy be your partner now?" he asked sadly. Kate smiled and shook her head.

"You're my partner. He's something else; maybe he's my partner at work but he's not going to replace you."

Johnny nodded, but he didn't seem to believe her.

"Who do you love more?"

Kate stared at him. "It's a different kind of love."

"So you don't know?"

"I love you more," she blurted out without meaning to. It was true, though. She wished she hadn't told him; it had been a mistake. But at the same time she strongly believed in always telling her child the truth and always answering his questions as best she could. Johnny didn't seem happy about it.

"You should love Rick more."

"You just called him Rick, not Daddy."

"He's not your Daddy."

Kate nodded. "I see what you mean. Well... I'm _in _love with Rick. It's a different kind of thing."

"But you just said-"

"I know. And it's true. If I had to choose I'd choose you without a moment's hesitation. But I don't have to choose."

"He made you happy when he came at first."

"He still makes me happy."

Johnny took her hand and looked at her ring. He twisted it around. "Are you ever going to get married?"

This brought on a fresh wave of tears. Johnny was confused.

"Aren't weddings happy?"

Kate wiped her eyes.

"Yes. They are."

"But you're sad when you think about it."

"I... Maybe you'll understand when you're older. But since I don't understand myself I don't know if that's likely. I just... I don't want to have a wedding yet, even though I love him. I want to have one, one day. I know it's the right thing to do, it shouldn't be a problem. But I still don't want to."

Johnny thought hard. "It's like a birthday."

Kate asked what he meant. He thought more.

"Before my birthday I was really excited. And then my birthday happened and it was amazing. But then, at the end of the day I was sad because it was over and it's never going to happen again."

And Kate understood. She didn't know if this was what Johnny had meant, but she was still stunned that her four year old could explain something that she couldn't. At the end of the day of their birthday a child always seems to be sad. Sad it's over, sad everything isn't all about them any more. Sad to get older, maybe, sad that things won't be the same. They might not get so many bedtime stories, they might have to start school, or outgrow their favourite sweater.

"But lots of nice things happened after your birthday. And you get to keep your presents forever."

"It's still not my birthday," Johnny said stubbornly. Kate hugged him tightly, chuckling.

"It's not funny!" he said crossly.

"I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at me."

"Why?"

"Because I'm a stubborn little girl who wants to have her cake and eat it at the same time."

Johnny laughed. "Just have a really huge cake – then you can eat it all, feel sick, and you won't want any more."

Kate laughed harder. "You're wonderful CB."

Johnny smiled at her. "You are too."

Kate wiped her face again. "We should go to the kitchen. We've kept your Daddy waiting."

"I'm sure your Rick won't mind."

Kate stood up still holding him. "You're too clever for your own good."

…

When Kate came back from putting Johnny to bed Rick was still washing up in the kitchen. His back was to her; he didn't notice until she dragged him away from the sink and kissed him for all she was worth. He ran his wet hands through her hair; she could feel his pulse quicken against her chest.

"What was that for?" he gasped when they broke apart.

"Marry me," Kate said firmly.

"What? Are you sure?" he said looking puzzled.

"Hell no!" she said, already moving in to kiss him again.

"Wait..." he said, taking hold of her shoulders. "Don't say it if you don't mean it."

"I mean it," she said, and he trusted her.

"Why?" he asked.

"It took my four year old son to make me realise what an idiot I was being. He explained something I couldn't even explain to myself."

Rick stared at her, still confused.

"I don't... I love you. I don't want to change it, I don't want to move on when I love where we are so much. I want this honeymoon phase to last forever, I want to have crazy hot sex and play hard to get and have all this drama and fight and be mad at you and mad at me and love you and forgive you and _feel _all of this forever. I don't want to stop feeling any of it because it's like... fuck, it's like being high, all the time. It's _amazing_. And I... If we get married I have to let go of a lot of that. It'll be different. Getting married means something; to me it means something huge. But talking to Johnny... it made me see that I'm just being selfish and scared. And thinking _way _too much. I'm in love with you. Being married to the one you love is meant to be brilliant. Hell, we'll _make _it brilliant. So no, I'm not ready, and no, I'm not sure, and no, this is probably not the end of me being stupid. But I'm going to marry you, Richard Castle, because I love you and I want to and please will you just kiss me before I change my mind-"

Rick didn't need to be told twice.

"I... love... you... so... fucking... much," he said through quiet laughter and a lot of kisses. "And I'll still have crazy hot sex with you when we're _eighty_," he added as he pulled her towards the bedroom.

…

"Married fights are very exciting," Rick said gently as he traced lines along Kate's back.

"You would know," she muttered into the bed. She turned to face him; she was lying on her stomach, half under the sheet. He was on his front too, propped up on an elbow as they talked.

"I feel it all too," he said. "The... you're right. It's like being high. All the time. But it won't be lost. It'll probably get better."

Kate sighed. "If we get married it won't be my birthday any more."

Rick laughed. "What does that mean?"

"It's how Johnny explained; it's like a kid wanting their birthday not to end because birthdays are so much fun."

Rick continued to laugh. "That's an adorable explanation. But really, I don't think anything we have will go away."

"Something will go away."

"Now you've said that, you really do sound like a stubborn child."

Kate smiled. "I get it from my Mom. And my Dad."

"Oh the Becketts. Growing up in your house must have been an experience."

"You could say that. I was actually telling Alexis about it today."

"Oh yes?"

"I told her about hiding a boy under my bed when I was sixteen."

Rick laughed. "That is a story I want to hear too one day. Your Mom would be proud of you, you know," he said in a much more serious tone.

Kate bit her lip. "I hope so."

Rick smiled. "I know so. Your life might not be the most conventional, but just look at your son. Your job. New York is full of people to whom you've brought justice. You do them an invaluable service for very little reward. You're brave, you're strong – and you have impeccable taste in men. And fiances!"

Kate laughed. "Look, let's just get it over with soon, okay?"

"Before you change your mind?"

"Don't even suggest it. I mean... I won't. I'm not going to think about it any more. I don't need to."

"You don't really want to rush it."

"How do you know?"

"You want a special wedding. Not big, necessarily. But meaningful."

Kate sighed. "You're right." She buried her head in a pillow. Rick grinned.

"You're scared shitless, aren't you?"

Kate laughed into the pillow as he continued. "She takes down killers, faces armed psychopaths, doesn't bat an eyelid at captain Gates – but she's terrified of marrying the man she loves. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Miss Katherine Beckett."

Kate hit him with the pillow and sat up in the bed.

"My Mom used to say that true bravery isn't being strong or clever or good, or doing something because you think you have to, you should, do it. She said it's doing it even though you're scared out of your mind, because you know it's right."

"Your Mom was a smart lady. I agree. Are your really that scared?"

Kate bit her lip. She wanted to make some joke about him being pretty scary sometimes. But it wasn't the time. For once, she would let him in instead of brushing him off.

"Yes," she said. "Mostly I'm... I'm scared of losing you. Losing any of you. Losing any of this."

Rick pulled her close to him. "You won't," he said sincerely.

"You promise?"

"I promise," he said softly. "And you'd better promise me the same thing," he added. "You're making _me _nervous."

Kate couldn't help but laugh a little. "I promise. You're stuck with me for good, Castle."

THE END OF VOLUME I

_**Thank you so much for reading! And before you start sharpening those pitchforks, though this is the end of 'Volume I', as the Volume thing suggests, there will be a Volume II. However, before I write that, I'm going to go through the whole thing and edit it, removing typing errors etc. If you have any tips on that front don't hesitate to tell me. Don't worry, I won't change it enough to merit reading it again (unless you want to!) and I already have ideas for the first chapter of Volume II...**_

_**Please review! This is an ending of sorts so I would love to know what you think of these 60 chapters as a story in their own right - Volume II will _try_ to be that as well. I'm not promising another 60 chapters but you never know - this idea started out as a 5 chapter mini thing...**_

_**Loads of love and hugs, thank you again so so much for staying with me this long and I hope you stick around for Volume II as well!**_

**_Zanna_**

**_xxx_**


	61. Chapter 61

_I haven't finished editing... But I like writing so much better! Welcome to Volume II!_

VOLUME II

CHAPTER 1

"This was a _terrible _idea," Kate muttered. She was standing with Rick at the bottom of the stairs; he was about to go up them to sleep in the guest bedroom for the fifth night in a row.

"Only two nights left," he said, but he didn't sound convinced. "It'll make it special," he added. Kate laughed.

"It'll just mean we're both frustrated. And I miss you. I like you just being in the bed."

"You're telling me that if we were sharing a bed, you'd be able to keep your hands to yourself?"

Kate bit her lip over a smile. Rick grinned.

"We'll cope for two more nights. It will be worth it."

Kate raised her eyebrows. "It had better be."

"What did you tell Johnny?"

Kate laughed. "He thought we might be fighting. I don't really think he understood... I just said we were sleeping separately while we got ready for..." she trailed off. Rick gave her a look.

"You're going to have to say it, Beckett."

"For the wedding, okay? Happy now?"

"I was already happy. I just like watching you shudder when I know how much you want it really."

"I think this is why you came up with the no sex thing. To blackmail me into saying yes."

"You'd already said yes," Rick told her with a wink. Kate smiled.

"I know. And I know I joke about it, but I promise you, I'm just as excited about this as you are. I want it just as much."

Rick gave her a quick kiss on the lips. "I know you are, sweetheart."

"You're still not allowed to call me that, writer boy."

"And when we're married?"

"You still won't be allowed."

"Can I call you 'wife'?"

Kate giggled. "It just sounds so weird."

Rick made a face. "You make it so hard. You're not even taking my name."

"Does it bother you that much?"

"No... I mean, when I think about it objectively there's no reason why you should. But... it's a bit like me enjoying seeing you wearing my shirts."

Kate grinned. "But you prefer seeing me wearing nothing. Speaking of which..." she began to unbutton her blouse, watching Rick as he balled his hands up into fists and tried not to look at her. She took off the blouse and dropped it on the floor then stepped out of her heels and undid her pants. Rick kept his eyes on her face. She shook out her hair and bent down, sliding the pants down her legs and taking them off. She stepped towards him, putting her hands on his chest, playing with the opening of his shirt.

"Night, Castle," she breathed, her mouth just millimetres from his. He kept his hands at his sides, knowing she was punishing him for his no sex for a week before the wedding edict, but also knowing that she was taking pleasure in the anticipation. He knew she didn't really want to do anything tonight; he knew if he started falling for her act, he would quickly become far more frustrated than he was already. She pecked him on the cheek then raised an eyebrow at him, looking down at the swelling in his jeans.

"Sorry," she whispered. "Maybe you should take a shower or something."

Another part of the no-sex ruling had been nothing with yourself either. Kate had added that part as a condition of her agreeing. Rick made a face at her.

"You're too cruel. It's easier for women."

"How would you know?" she asked wickedly. Then she picked up her clothes and sauntered away to her bedroom, knowing Rick was watching her every movement. When she got to the door she turned and blew him a kiss. He groaned, turning around to head up to the guest room, trying to think of something, anything, but Kate Beckett.

…

Kate stepped out of the shower into the steam filled bathroom and reached out for her towel. It wasn't there. She blinked and looked at the rail; it was empty. She could have sworn she'd put a fresh one there after doing the laundry yesterday... Then she remembered. She'd been folding the towels on the dining room table so she could put them away in the linen cupboard. Then Johnny had come rushing in asking where his airplane t-shirt was – he'd been packing. Kate had gone with him to find it and they'd ended up playing with the train set in his room; by the time she'd returned to the dining room someone else had dealt with the towels and wouldn't have known that she hadn't put any in the bathrooms yet. She groaned. The linen cupboard was in the guest room. Her robe was in there too; it was summer so she just had a little silk thing in the bedroom.

She stepped out of the bathroom and grabbed her cell phone, calling Rick. He answered groggily.

"Castle..."

"Hey, Rick."

"Kate? You told me I didn't have to get up until nine-"

"You don't. I mean, you didn't. I need a favour."

"Oh, you do, do you?"

"Shut up. I need a towel."

Rick laughed. "How many times have I told you to check the rail _before _you get in the shower?"

"Obviously not enough times. Please," she added in her sweetest voice.

"How will you repay me?"

"I'll... I'll let you drive today."

"Ooh, she'll let me drive for two hours. No."

"Come on. Just bring me a towel."

"Come and get one."

"They're in your room."

"You look good dripping."

"Shut up and bring me a towel, Richard!"

Rick laughed. "I'm coming."

"And not a hand towel, either!" she shouted as he ended the call. She laughed. Soon she could hear him coming downstairs; he entered her room without knocking and threw a towel at her. She smiled appreciatively and wrapped it around herself.

"Thanks," she said as he flopped down on their bed. He was just wearing boxers; she watched the muscles in his torso dance around under his skin as he stretched out on top of the comforter.

"Always," he mumbled sleepily. "You owe me, though."

Kate laughed and began to dry herself with the towel.

"What do I owe you?"

"A favour, when I ask you for one."

"If you say so."

"I do say so. What time is it?"

"Seven thirty. We're leaving at ten."

"I _know_. I am all too familiar with the schedule."

"Oh, really?"

Rick made a face. He hadn't realised she would call him on it.

"Leaving at ten, picking up Lex, dropping you and Lex at Lanie's, saying goodbye to you until tomorrow, going to the hotel with Johnny to dump our stuff, going to the church to make sure everything's how you want it, calling the band and the caterers, going back to stay the night in the hotel with Johnny."

"You forgot your mother."

"She's driving herself to the hotel and meeting us there to take over Johnny minding in the morning."

"Very good."

Kate wondered if she'd made it too complicated. All the hotel stuff was fairly unnecessary; only she and Rick were really staying there. But they were leaving Johnny with Martha for a week while they went on their honeymoon, and Kate hadn't wanted her son to feel left out. He'd loved being involved with the planning of everything and the hotel was wonderful. It was quite a way outside the city; a converted mansion, beautiful and old fashioned. Rick had liked the idea of Johnny being his bachelor party; Ryan and Espo had been a little disappointed but one look from Kate had strongly dissuaded them from saying anything against The Plan.

Kate also hoped Rick didn't mind being married in a church. Neither of them were religious, but her father was a little – he was kind of a traditionalist, and Kate wanted to do everything she could to make the day easier for him. Another qualm she had was how low key the reception was going to be. It was just in the church hall; there would be no sit down meal, just some music and a buffet. She'd wanted the wedding to be relaxing rather than over the top – having a huge, crazy, spend-all-your-money type thing hadn't appealed to her. For one thing, Rick had done that twice before. For another, though Rick had the money to do whatever he wanted, especially now _Heat Wave _was such a hit, it wasn't Kate's style to be so extravagant. She wanted simple beauty – and she wanted the day to be about the people rather than the gold plated dinner plates and crystal chandeliers.

"You're worrying again," Rick said from the bed. He hadn't even needed to look at her.

"No I'm not," Kate lied. Rick sat up and smiled.

"I think your plans are wonderful. They're us. Fun, low key, not too crazy. And it means the day can be about you and me and our family."

He was saying all the right things, but Kate still felt jittery. Rick threw her silky robe at her and picked up her comb from her nightstand. He patted the bed beside him and she put on the robe and sat where he wanted her too. He scooted around behind her and began to run the comb through her hair, knowing the repetitive motion would be soothing to her.

"This time in two days we'll be married," Kate whispered. Rick continued to comb her hair. He was nervous himself; far more nervous than he had admitted to anyone. But he knew what they were doing was right; being with Kate was so right, so perfect, that he was managing not to think about his fears too much. He wasn't one to dwell on things like that, anyway. He would be cheerful and happy, Kate would be organised and strong. Suddenly Kate turned around and pushed him back on the bed, straddling him.

"Hey, stop it-" he said, but she put a finger to his lips.

"Why are _you _lying?" she asked, narrowing her eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"You're scared too."

"You're a freaky little mind-reader. And I'm not lying."

"You never told me."

"I'm not really scared-"

"You're nervous, like me. You have your doubts, you know from experience marriage is hard..."

Kate was grinning now.

"You've just realised I'm afraid. Why do you look so happy?" Rick asked, confused.

"Because I'm not the only one. Because I don't have to feel pathetic."

Rick laughed. "I don't think you ever felt pathetic. I think you felt pissed off."

"If you were with someone who was so damn happy all the time, you'd be pissed off."

"I'm not happy all the time. But I do live to piss you off."

Kate rolled over and lay down on the bed beside him, smiling.

"I love you," she said cheerfully. "And," she added, jumping up off the bed, "I'm getting married tomorrow!"

Rick laughed. "I wish I could record this enthusiasm somehow."

There was a tap on the door.

"Come on in, Johnny," Kate called. Johnny wriggled around the door, grinning when he saw Rick 'back in his proper place'.

"Good morning," he said to his parents. "I'm hungry."

Kate laughed. "I'll come and make you some breakfast; I just have to get dressed."

Rick yawned. "I hate morning people," he muttered. Kate threw a pillow at him.

"Get in the shower."

"Can I use our shower?"

"Of course. I'll go get you a towel."

"That's okay, I'll just use yours."

Kate laughed. "Fine. I'm going to make him breakfast. Don't be too slow – have you packed yet?"

"Nope," Rick said, getting up off the bed. Kate made to leave the room but he took her hand and pulled her back towards him. She moved into him easily, just as ready for the kiss as he was.

"I love you," he said when she finally walked away again.

"I love you too," she replied.


	62. Chapter 62

CHAPTER 2

Johnny fussed over his breakfast. Kate had cut his toast up into strips, with strips of cheese and apple to go with it. Usually this was one of his favourite things to eat but this morning, even though he said he was hungry, he shuffled the food around on his plate. He was sitting at the counter; Kate pulled a chair round to sit opposite him. She might be on a tight schedule but if having a child had taught her one thing it was that there were more important things than being on time for everything.

"What's up, CB?" she asked him. Johnny looked at her.

"Nothing," he said quickly.

"Aren't you hungry, then?"

Johnny bit his lip. "I am hungry," he said quietly. "It's a lovely breakfast. Thank you."

Kate smiled at him. "You don't have to feel bad if you don't want to eat it."

"I do want to eat it..."

"But something's eating you," Kate finished for him. Johnny frowned.

"What does that mean? Nothing's eating me."

"It means you're worrying about something. It's an expression."

Johnny laughed at that. "Something's eating me," he said, grinning. Kate ruffled his hair.

"It's weird, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Want to tell me what's up?"

Johnny's smile faded. "When are you coming back?"

"You mean after we leave for the honeymoon?"

"Yes."

"Well, today's Saturday. The wedding is on Sunday, and we fly out on Monday morning. We'll be flying back next Sunday, although we might get back after you've gone to bed. We'll see you on Monday morning."

Johnny thought for a while, counting. "So you'll be away for seven days, if I don't see you until Monday?"

Kate nodded. "But you'll be having lots of fun with Grams and Alexis."

"And there's no nursery?"

"No – you're all done for the summer. Alexis is all done with college as well."

"But you'll be working?"

"Yes, for most of the time."

"And Daddy'll work too."

"Probably."

"So will I be with Grams and Alexis every day?"

"Not every day..." Kate was listening to Johnny's tone of voice and thought she might be able to guess what was bothering him.

"It's going to be different," he said after a long pause. "Once you're married."

Kate took his hand. "Only good different. The summer's going to be fun."

"But you'll be at work."

"I'd be at work anyway."

"You're not at work while you're on vacation."

"You mean the honeymoon?"

"Yes."

"That's a bit different. I mean, you're right, we won't be working, but it's a special thing for people who just got married, like a special way for them to start their lives together."

"It's still a vacation," Johnny said stubbornly. Kate felt sorry for him.

"Are you sad you can't come?"

Johnny bit his lip. "No," he said quietly, but Kate knew he wasn't telling the truth.

"You'll have a great time here. And we'll be back before you know it."

"To go to work."

"Not all the time. We'll be around so much you'll get sick of us I'm sure. And in a little over a month we're going to the Hamptons again – to the beach!"

Johnny's eyes lit up at this idea, but to him a month seemed like forever.

"I wish we could go now. Or right after the wedding."

"It would be fun. But anticipating good things is sometimes almost as exciting as experiencing them. It's nice to have something to look forward to."

"I guess," Johnny said uncertainly.

Kate sneaked her hand away from his and towards his plate to steal a piece of cheese. She knew most women dieted like crazy before their weddings but she was perfectly comfortable with her body, and what with work and going running and jobs around the house, she burned plenty of calories anyway. Johnny grabbed her hand with his cheese in it, pretending to be furious.

"Hey! That's mine!" he said. Kate winked.

"You weren't eating it. I thought it was fair game."

Johnny took his cheese back and put it in his mouth. "Well it's not," he said as he chewed. Kate smiled. At least he was eating now.

She thought about his fears that things would be different after the wedding. She had been trying very hard not to dwell on her own. She didn't think it would be too bad; the main problem was nothing to do with the wedding, and that was the summer vacation. Nursery was over for two months and although Johnny would start having 5 day weeks there in September, right now it was the end of June and her only other time off work would be their Hamptons trip at the beginning of August. Rick, Martha and Alexis were all being great about offering to look after Johnny, but Kate wished she could spend more time with her son. Rick really needed to write; he had been commissioned to write another three Nikki Heat books. He said he also needed to be with her at work as much as possible. Martha had her acting studio and Alexis had Max, plus a job in a bookshop that she had started a few weeks ago.

Kate had hoped Johnny wouldn't mind being juggled; he had a family who all loved him dearly. But she could see that he wanted to spend time with her and Rick just as much as they wanted to spend time with him. She hoped they could come up with something...

Rick strolled into the kitchen fresh from the shower.

"You never got dressed," he said to Kate. She looked at herself; she hadn't even noticed that she was still wearing only her purple silk robe. Johnny laughed.

"You're the one who everybody thinks is ready but really you're always last," he said, then took another bite of toast. Rick chuckled. Kate winked.

"Smoke and mirrors, that's all it is. I'd better go find some clothes, then," she said, getting up and heading for the bedroom.

"I don't think I'm going to get married," Johnny said to his father.

"Oh? Why not?" Rick asked.

"It's so much messing about."

"But it'll be fun. You'll like the party tomorrow."

"I could just have a party."

"You're too much like your mother."

"No I'm not. She wants to have a wedding."

"Really?"

"Yes. She wouldn't say she did if she didn't. She _never _lies."

Rick smiled at the little boy. "I think you're right. But she always does things to make other people happy, too."

Johnny nodded. "I know. But she... she does the right thing."

"I agree with you there. Is your overnight bag ready?"

"Uhm... How many toys can I bring to the hotel?"

Rick laughed. "As many as you can carry without help."

Johnny giggled. "I can carry a lot. But what will we be doing?"

"Fun things. You might not need any toys. I'd bring a book though, to read while I'm making boring phone calls."

"Poor you."

Rick nodded. "I agree."

"Have you packed all of your things? For your holiday too..."

Rick winked. "Mostly. I don't think your Mom's finished packing either."

"I think being late is funny."

"It depends what you're late for. Come on then. Let's go to my room and we'll tease your Mom while we pack my things."

Johnny grinned. "Okay," he said, jumping down from his chair. He'd almost cleared his plate now; Rick was glad. Getting Johnny to eat could sometimes be difficult. Unless you wanted him to eat chocolate cake or ice cream.

They went through to the bedroom where Kate was folding things into a suitcase. Rick tried to look at what she was packing but she slammed it shut and wouldn't let him see.

"Why can't Daddy see what's in your case?" Johnny asked innocently. Kate laughed.

"He's trained you too well. He can't see because _maybe _there's a surprise in there for him."

"What kind of surprise?" Johnny asked. Kate raised her eyebrows and Johnny raised his back.

"What are you boys up to?" Kate asked.

"We're going to pack my things," Rick said, pulling his case out from under the bed and dumping it on top of the sheets. "What do I need?"

"Clothes!" Johnny volunteered. Kate laughed.

"They'd be good. Money. Passport."

Rick took these things out of his drawer in the cabinet.

"Maybe a book to read?" he joked. Kate threw a balled up pair of socks at him. Johnny got up on the bed and climbed into Rick's case.

"Me," he said happily. His parents laughed.

"We'll be back before you know it and you'll soon be sick of us. I know for a fact that Grams lets you get away with far more than either of us," Kate said with a smile.

Johnny laughed. "Maybe. Maybe not. Will you speak French when you're in France?"

Kate winked. "Your Dad will _try_. I will."

Rick narrowed his eyes. "I can speak French better than you. But the best thing about your Mom, CB, is that she can speak _Russian._"

"I _know_. But you're not going to Russia. And no one can do anything better than my Mom," he added firmly.

Rick laughed. "Okay, I actually agree with you there. Could we say that I'm equally good?"

"I'll think about it."

Kate had been packing things into both cases, neatly packing around Johnny. She lifted him out of Rick's suitcase and made to put him down on the bed but he held on to her, suddenly craving a hug. Rick watched the pair with something like longing – but there was a marked difference from what might have happened a few months ago. Kate and Johnny both reached out their arms to beckon him into the hug. He felt needed, necessary – Johnny and Kate had a very special bond, but they also had special bonds with him.

"We have to go," he said into the hug. Kate laughed.

"You really are a part of this family."

"You're turning into Mommy," Johnny added. "Where are we going first?"

"To deliver the bride to be to Lanie's."

"Can we stay there a bit?"

Kate laughed. "You don't want to. You'll have far more fun with Dad – you might have jobs to do but I'm sure he'll find a way to mess them up and make them funny."

"Always." Rick grinned as he crossed the room to zip up his case. He easily lifted it up along with Kate's huge one – Kate was impressed at how well he had kept his strength up. They both still went running but a lot less regularly. Kate supposed just running around after Johnny was enough to keep anyone fit, but she also had a feeling Rick was working out when she wasn't around to keep those muscles in top shape. She wasn't complaining, anyway. She straightened out the bed and glanced around the room to make sure they hadn't forgotten anything. It seemed tidy and clear of the obvious things like phone chargers and passports, so she followed Rick and Johnny out of the room and closed the door. Johnny went into his room to get his bag.

Kate was always surprised how three people could delay so much about leaving, but wasn't too disappointed with their eventual departure at ten thirty – even though Rick had to run back upstairs for one of Johnny's trains. Johnny had a stream of questions about what would be happening that day and Kate let it all wash over her. She was feeling remarkably relaxed about the whole thing. She didn't know what it was... She chuckled to herself. Maybe she was just resigned to it. Rick seemed more nervous than she was; she hoped she wasn't the cause of his anxiety.


	63. Chapter 63

CHAPTER 3

"See you tomorrow sweetie," Kate said, gently unlocking her son's arms from around her neck. She strapped him into the car seat which was now in the front beside his dad.

"Bye," Johnny said crossly. Kate raised her eyebrows and he smiled. She went around the car; Rick got out too and met her in front of it.

"See you in church," he said.

"I'll be the one in white." Kate pulled out the old cliché – she had to use at least one while she had the chance.

"I'll be holding my breath."

Kate laughed. "Have you ever worn a corset? You won't be the only one!"

Rick laughed too and pulled her into him, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"Will I like it?"

"I don't know. But _I _like it. And this is one dress I'm glad you didn't buy for me."

"I'm looking forward to seeing you in it. And taking you out of it."

Kate could feel just how much he was looking forward to it.

"Easy there tiger."

"It's been a week, what d'you expect?"

"I saw a TV show where they waited _six months_!"

Rick winked. "The only explanation for that kind of control is that it just wasn't that good for them. Anyway, we haven't had six months to wait."

"That's true. I'm glad, though. I mean, I know I've been slow about it but it feels... it feels right."

Rick kissed her for this and soon they were wishing away the next 24 hours with a passion. A few frenzied minutes later, they reluctantly broke apart, brushing themselves down as they smiled at each other. Kate knew her cheeks were still flushed after she'd waved her family away, and when Lanie let her into the building her friend was well aware of what she had just been up to. Alexis was busy in Lanie's kitchen; Martha was reclined on the couch reading a magazine. They both hurried over when Kate came in.

Alexis threw her arms around her friend. "I'm so happy for you," she said as Kate felt all the air being crushed from her body. "You'll finally be legally a part of my family! Not that this is about me or anything, it's about you of course and I know that and I know it's going to be wonderful for you and for Dad of course and Johnny I just mean I'm happy too but most of all I just want you to be happy and-"

Kate held the nineteen-year-old's shoulders. "I am. Relax, sweetheart."

Alexis nodded. Martha patted Kate on the shoulder. "You're definitely the most sensible of the three, I'll give you that."

Kate laughed. "I actually thought it would bother me more than it does."

Lanie smiled. "He's been an idiot before. But he's the man you love. And not that I would know first hand – but I think there's something about marrying the man you love that makes things work in your mind."

"There's a lot of truth in that," Martha said, picking up her magazine again. "Lanie, I know I'm only here because of the wedding, but I do hope we can continue to see each other."

"I'd like that too, Ms Rodgers."

Alexis giggled. "If Martha feels wrong, call her Grams."

Martha tutted. "You're not too old for a scolding, Miss Alexis."

Alexis laughed harder. "I've been the one scolding you and Dad since I can remember. But, Kate – you could call Grams Mom now!"

She realised the mistake before she'd even finished speaking but it had already been too late. Kate took a deep breath. The fact that her mother wasn't there to see her get married was certainly a sore spot, but she knew Alexis meant no harm and she was determined to enjoy herself. She smiled, running her fingers through her hair. Lanie grabbed her hand.

"Katherine Beckett, what the hell have you done to your nails? I told you to look after them!"

Kate looked down at the offending articles. They were short and stubby, some even splitting at the ends. Kate made a face.

"Sorry. I have a four year old son-"

"You use that one far too much as it is. I'd fix these now but I don't trust you to keep them nice even for this afternoon. I'll do them right before you go to bed."

"What _are _we doing today?"

"Lex and I want to do a trial run for all your hair and make up. And we have to pack everything for your honeymoon."

"Oh, that's okay, I already packed-"

"You're taking new things," Martha called from the seat she had resumed on the sofa.

"But-"

Alexis smiled. "No buts. We're going shopping."

"But I don't like-"

Lanie laughed. "Yes you do. You just never have time – whenever you have the chance to shop you always rush through it because you think you should be with Johnny. But this time you don't have to worry about him."

"I already have so many clothes-" Kate began but Lanie put up her hand.

"We have to go into town anyway to go to the salon. I've booked your waxing for three-"

"Wait, waxing?"

Lanie nodded. "Is there some problem with that?"

Kate bit her lip. "Well, I was just going to shave my legs-"

"For your wedding night? I don't think so."

"But I-"

"Seriously, stop saying 'but'."

"I don't like waxing. It hurts."

Alexis laughed. "Kate Beckett, braves armed criminals every day but can't face a little wax and paper? It's not that bad, really."

"It doesn't even matter. He's..." she paused, looking sideways at Alexis. Alexis raised her eyebrows but moved back into the kitchen and plugged in her ipod.

Lanie looked at Kate inquisitively. "What with Johnny and work and being so busy all the time... sometimes I don't even bother shaving – he doesn't care."

Lanie laughed. "You really have let yourself slide, honey. It'll be a nice surprise for him. And I will be making sure that you keep it up. You're not going to be one of those married women that lets everything go just because she thinks she's got security."

Kate grinned. "At least I know he's not marrying me purely for my looks."

Lanie tutted. "I don't know. He still might be. You might think differently, but I think he's both shallow and easy to please." She managed to keep a straight face almost to the end of her sentence; Kate giggled as soon as she saw the grin forming at the corners of her friend's mouth.

"One day you're going to say something deadpan, I won't realise you're joking, and it'll be the end of our friendship."

Lanie rolled her eyes. "Nothing like that could ever break us."

Alexis pulled out her earphones. "I think you're pretty much down to sleeping with Esposito if you want rid of Lanie, Kate."

Kate laughed. "I'm aiming at you with the bouquet, you know," she told Lanie. Lanie picked up her purse.

"Come on. We have to go. Martha, are you going to come too?"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world. And if the waxing goes well, Kate, I'll get you a vajazzle for your wedding present."

Kate put her head in her hands. This was going to be a long day. Her phone pinged.

_Just got to the hotel. CB loves it, now building slide as we make boring phone calls. Love you – having fun?_

Kate laughed and quickly texted back.

_They're torturing me. Wish I were with you two! Don't hurt yourselves or offend the caterers! Love you both as well. _

The reply was almost instantaneous.

_How are they torturing you? Please let us perform a rescue op..._

Kate smiled. Lanie lifted up her chin. "Stop texting him. You'll be married to him tomorrow – you don't want to be sick of him before you even make it to the ceremony!"

Kate stuck her tongue out and wrote back.

_Shopping. And other, girly things... Would love to be rescued but fear suffering necessary for wedding prep process. Have to go before Lanie skins me alive._

She could hear Rick laughing when she read his response.

_You should really just let me shop for you. I'm better at it. Tell Lanie if she hurts you I'll poison Esposito. Good luck babe. If it gets really bad just imagine I'm kissing you. I'm so frustrated I'll probably feel it from here!_

Kate almost walked into the cab, she was so glued to her phone. She only just managed to lock it before Alexis snatched it and put it in her purse.

"You can have it back this evening. Now get in the cab _without _injuring yourself, and smile. We're going to have fun!"

…

Six hours later Kate was finally able to sink into a steaming bubble bath. She ached all over; she was exhausted; she knew they weren't anywhere near done for the day... But she was still blissfully happy. Her hair was coloured to perfection, and she was pretty sure her head was the only place on her body hair had been allowed to remain. The hot water made her skin tingle while she thought about everything she'd bought that day.

There had been a lot. It _had _been fun. She realised Alexis still had her phone; she'd have to get it back to make sure Rick hadn't needed her help with anything. She backtracked to her previous thought. It had been fun. But it was like the day before Christmas – she just wanted it to hurry up! She was elated that she felt so good about the wedding. She _wanted _it. She could understand why she had doubted herself before but now it was here... it was perfect. Her family was perfect. Or as close to perfect as it was possible for it to be. She wasn't even going to go there. She didn't have time for that pain today.

A Carly Simon song came to her and she hummed it. She smiled. It fitted so perfectly with how Rick made her feel, how marrying him made her feel. Well, not exactly. It wasn't as if he'd never caused her any pain. But that had been her fault too. It hadn't been him. Not really. He'd never meant to.

And he'd come back. He'd come back even more. Even better. Lanie laughed at her for liking Carly Simon but Kate stood her ground. Nobody Does It Better was one of her favourite songs. Rick even liked it – although Kate had a strong suspicion that was more down to the fact that it was a Bond movie song than anything else.

She breathed in the lavender scented candles and bath oils, looking around at Lanie's bathroom. It was packed right now – four people's toiletries around the sink, at least twelve bottles of different shower things lined up neatly along one wall...

There was a pounding on the door.

"What?" she called. "I haven't had my hour yet!"

She heard Alexis laughing on the other side of the door.

"Your phone's ringing. It's Dad."

Kate smiled. "Bring it in; I'm not getting out."

Alexis came in shaking her head, and gave Kate a towel to dry her hand on before giving her the phone. Alexis left and Kate answered the phone.

"What is it?" she said.

"That's a nice way to answer. My reason for calling is twofold."

"Go on."

"Firstly, to make sure you're still alive – you haven't been answering my texts."

"Alexis took my phone. I'm alive and well, thanks."

"Good to hear."

"What's the second reason?"

There was a pause. Kate waited. She knew Rick would spit it out soon.

"I've been... worrying," he said finally.

"About the wedding?"

"Yeah... I don't know, I mean, I'm so excited, I think it's going to be wonderful! The best day of my life. I just... You really want this, right? It's not just me?"

Kate felt her eyes prickle with tears. "Yes, Rick. I really want this," she said quietly. "I want it more than I've ever wanted anything. I didn't know before but now it's happening it's even better than I imagined anything could be. It's-"

"You're _crying_," he commented slowly.

"Yes. And?" she managed to give a little edge to her voice.

"Nothing. I just... You don't cry."

"Yes I do. But these are happy tears, Castle. Tears of joy. And tears of _love_. It's wonderfully sweet that you're worried about me. But there's nothing for you to worry about."

"Are you sure?"

"Perfectly."

"Then," she could hear the smile return to his voice, "I'll do my best to stop being silly."

"In this, yes. In general... I hope you're not too successful."

"Are you admitting to liking my silliness?"

"I'm in an especially good, and strange, mood."

"I hear sloshing. You're in the bath."

"You should be a detective. We spend way too much time on the phone."

"No we don't. Is marrying one enough?"

"Maybe. And no, I guess we don't."

"I wish I were there," he said.

Kate stepped out of the bath. Her hour was up and it was getting cold. She flipped the bathroom door locked and looked at herself in the mirror.

"I bet you do," she said, smiling at her reflection. She heard Rick's breathing quicken.

"You just got out..." he said. "What was the click?"

"I locked the door," she told him.

"Why?"

"My time's up. I don't want anyone to come in."

"I want _me _to come in."

"I want you too. But not tonight. One more."

Rick sighed. "You're very cruel. Teasing me with your nakedness. Stop looking at your scar like that," he added.

"How did you know?" she asked, surprised. He had been right, she had been touching the little round scar with one finger, hiding it almost, wishing she could erase it.

"Whenever you see your reflection you look at it. It bothers you. Mine doesn't bother you."

"No. Does yours bother you?"

"Sort of. But, no. I got it doing something good. And it's a reminder of how close I came to death. It helps keep in my mind how important life is, how I have to cherish every second."

Kate smiled. "You're brilliant, you know? Making good out of everything – even something as terrible as that."

She heard Rick chuckle. "I do what I can. Why... why does it bother you so much?"

Kate bit her lip. She knew Rick would know she was doing it. "I'm not sure... I don't want it to define me. But I still have nightmares about it, I still... Also, I used to wear these wonderful dresses with v-necks almost down to my belly button."

Rick didn't laugh. "Imagine I'm there," he said gently. "Imagine I'm standing behind you. I'm putting my arms around you, holding you tight. You can feel my breath on your neck. You're cold. Get a towel, Katie."

Kate picked up a towel.

"I'm wrapping it around your shoulders; you can feel my hands running down your arms. You're the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, Kate. And you're safe with me."

Kate hugged the towel around herself. She was smiling. "You just chase it away."

"Chase what?"

"Anything. Anything bad."

Rick laughed. "You think far too well of me. You make me feel so much better. I'm the one that called because I was having doubts."

"You weren't having doubts."

"Yes I was."

Kate giggled. "Don't admit to it. I'll have to punish you."

She heard a knock at the door.

"I'm going to have to go," she said sadly.

"Me too. Johnny's hungry – we're going to get pizza."

"Don't let him eat too-"

"-much cheese. I know. He says hi."

"Tell him I say hi back. I'll call to say goodnight at around eight."

"We'll await your call with great anticipation."

"Good. I love you. And, thanks."

"Always. But you don't need to thank me for anything. I should be the one thanking you. And I love you too."

They ended the call at the same moment. Kate tucked the towel around herself properly and left the bathroom. Lanie pounced on her as soon as she opened the door.

"You had ages in there. How's lover boy?"

"He's good. CB too. They're going to get dinner. Speaking of which..."

Martha laughed. "You're hungry? The night before my wedding – both my weddings in fact – I couldn't eat a thing!"

Kate laughed. "I'm always hungry."

Alexis waved towards the kitchen. "We're having salad. Kate, you might have a superfast metabolism that means you can fit into your dress even though you eat cheeseburgers and chocolate, but I don't, and I want to fit into _my _dress tomorrow."

Kate made a face. "I should have just stayed home to get ready."

Lanie grinned. "Sure you should have. Come on. I'm going to do your nails."

Kate sighed and let them herd around, first to Lanie's room to switch the towel for a robe, and then to the living room table where they sat her down and surrounded her with cosmetics. She'd had her eyebrows done in town but they still found plenty of things to do to her face. Cream, moisturiser, things with names she couldn't even pronounce...

She left them to their salad. When they finally released her she slipped away to the kitchen to make an omlette while they all beautified each other. She checked her phone. It was almost time for her to call the boys again. She took her omlette and some toast into the bedroom and put Rick on speaker.

"Hey," he answered on the first ring.

"Hey," she said with her mouth full.

"You're eating," he laughed.

"I had to wait until I was alone. They were only going to feed me salad."

"I should tell you. If we'd written our own vows that would definitely have gone in. I _love _that you actually _eat. _What did you make?"

"An omlette. And yes, I used your recipe. How were all the calls?"

"Fine. Everybody's doing just what they're supposed to."

"What will you do after Johnny's in bed?"

"Early night I guess. What do the girls have planned for the evening?"

"I think an early night as well. Getting our beauty sleep and all that. You can text me if you're awake. I probably will be."

"I almost certainly will. Want to speak to the kid?"

"Of course."

Kate heard some shuffling as the phone was passed to Johnny.

"Hello?" he said uncertainly. He still wasn't very confident with phone calls.

"Hey, CB," Kate said.

"Mommy!"

"Yep. How are you?"

"Fine. We had pizza and we saw a lot of boring people and things but Daddy was really funny all day. We built a slide and a fort in our hotel room. How was your day?"

"It was alright. But I had to do lots of girly things."

"Yuck."

"Right? Are you going to bed now?"

"Yeah. Don't want to."

"You need your sleep. You have to get up early tomorrow."

"For the wedding."

"Yeah. You excited?"

"Yes. Are you?"

"Very."

"So's Daddy. He was smiling _all day_."

"I'm glad to hear it. I'll let you go to bed now sweetie. Goodnight."

"Goodnight. I love you."

"Love you too. Sleep well."

Johnny ended the call before she could speak to Rick again. She smiled. He seemed happy; he'd had a good day. Her phone pinged.

_He's brushing his teeth. I think he's happy about everything._

Kate smiled.

_I think so too. Don't keep him up all night!_

There wasn't a reply; Kate assumed Rick had to go and look after their son. She finished her food and took the plate back to the kitchen. Lanie and Alexis were waiting for her, armed with a face mask. She sighed, but it was a happy sigh. She brushed her teeth and let them send her to bed. They applied the strange blue paste and told her to keep still and go to sleep.

She received the first text at about nine-thirty.

_I can't sleep. Are you awake?_

_Yes. I can't sleep either. I'm a good kind of awake though – the excited kind._

_I think I'm the other kind of excited. I keep thinking about _tomorrow _night._

_Don't even go there writer boy._

_Fine. Tell me something._

_Like what?_

_I don't know. Something interesting. Any last confessions before we tie the knot?_

_Ooh, that's a thought. I don't know. Do you have any?_

_I don't think so. I think you already know everything._

_I do know everything, it's true. There is actually something you don't know about me._

_What? I'm intrigued._

_It's about your book._

_Heat Wave?_

_Exactly._

_What about it? I thought you liked it?_

_I do. But I never told you about... Never mind._

_Tell me!_

_Something I did while reading it. Page... 105, I think._

_You didn't! Did you?_

_Do you really want to know?_

_You just live to torture me! Where was I?_

_I think you were taking Johnny swimming. I was alone in the loft, anyway. And I was... shocked, to say the least, especially considering the fact that you wrote it while we weren't together._

_Sorry about that..._

_That's okay. I'm flattered. It's very good._

_So you really..?_

_Touched myself while I read a sex scene that you wrote? Yes. Happy now?_

_I could drive there. It would only take an hour._

_I think Lanie even has some tequila. _

_You're a cruel woman. I love it when you put things bluntly._

_I tell it like it is. So. Do you have anything to confess?_

_I thought about you when I was with Gina. Almost every time._

_Jeez. That's gross! Poor Gina._

_I didn't mean to!_

_Our confessions are very sexual. Anything else more... everyday?_

_It's us. Sex _is _everyday. But, no. We might be having a slightly whirlwind wedding but I think the truth is we know each other._

_I think you're right. I have to go to sleep now – I think Lanie might be coming to check on me._

_Fair enough. I should sleep too... Damn you._

_If it makes you feel any better I'm thinking about it too._

_Nope. No better. But I hope you suffer anyway._

_Charming. Goodnight, Mr Castle._

_Goodnight, Detective Beckett. _


	64. Chapter 64

CHAPTER 4

"No Johnny, it's too early, go back to sleep..." Kate mumbled as Lanie tried to shake her awake. Kate felt the sheet being tugged away from her and groaned loudly as she sat up, scrunching her face muscles; they were all stiff from the face mask. She blinked, with difficulty, and as she saw Lanie's bedroom flicker around her she realised what day it was.

"Shit," she said quietly. Lanie laughed.

"Good morning to you too. Get in the shower, princess."

Kate laughed and hopped out of bed – she had never been one to linger while getting up. Lanie's shower was warm and powerful, and her face felt a whole lot better after she'd washed off the solidified mask. When she was as clean as possible she dried herself on a fluffy towel Lanie had left for her and looked in the mirror, remembering her conversation with Rick the day before.

This time, however, she felt nothing but confident. She'd had a good night's sleep after a long day of pampering, and despite the tickling of a few butterflies in her stomach, she was ready. She wanted this. She grinned. She was going to get _married_!

She passed on breakfast; there was hardly time anyway. Everyone took turns in the shower and then came the crazy melee of make up, hair, clothes, shoes and goodness knows what else. Kate was caught up in a whirlwind of getting ready which lasted for hours and moments at the same time. The only second of the entire morning that she could pinpoint was when they got out the dress.

She was standing in Lanie's room in her lacy white underwear with blue trim, trying not to move as Alexis and Martha used hundreds of pins to secure her hair. And Lanie brought it in. It rustled as she took it out, the silky fabric shimmering in the sunlight that poured in from the open window. Lanie held it and Kate stepped into it, slipping her hands through the little puffed sleeves, enjoying the slide of the soft material over her skin. When it was on Alexis helped to fasten it, pulling the strings of the bodice tight. Kate felt it pull at her stomach but only slightly, and she didn't mind. When it was properly on she went to look in Lanie's full length mirror.

And gasped. She had seen herself in the dress before, when she had bought it.. But it looked different now. Better. Her hair was ready, her make up was on... The skirt puffed out but she didn't feel like a marshmallow. She'd thought until the last minute that she'd end up with something sleek and modern; there had been so much to choose from and she preferred the simple dresses. This one was the exact opposite. It was straight out of a fairytale or a drawing in a children's book.

Kate didn't care. It made her feel fantastic. It accentuated her modest curves without being too obvious about it, and it was actually a lot lighter than it looked. The white material was plain; she was going to wear plain white shoes too, with a modest heel of just two inches. They were Martha's. She hadn't planned to do the old, new, borrowed, blue thing but she had ended up doing it anyway. The shoes were old and borrowed, the dress was new, and her underwear had the blue trim. There was blue on her ring too, and on her mothers. She had decided to wear the chain with her mother's ring on it. The dress didn't need any jewellery, and she could wear the chain underneath it. She had made sure Rick didn't mind; he had said he thought it was sweet.

Kate wanted at least some part of her mother to be with her. She knew Johanna would be proud.

Actually, this was a lie. She didn't know. She had no idea how her mother would feel about Rick, but her father had come around so she was fairly sure her mother would have too. She bit her lip and Lanie caught her eye in the mirror.

"Stop thinking, honey. You'll make creases in the powder."

Kate laughed. The joke was exactly what she had needed. She slid into her shoes and they all put on the finishing touches of their outfits. She would put on the veil in the car – she had almost an hour's journey to the church. Lanie's buzzer rang.

"That'll be the car. You ready?" she asked.

Kate nodded, grinning. She was terribly excited. Lanie and Alexis looked fabulous in their royal blue dresses; Martha was wearing a different style of dress in the same colour and looked beautiful as well. Kate was glad she was here – they had changed their plans at the last minute so Johnny would be with Rick right up until the wedding. They'd done it to help Johnny feel more included, and also so that Martha could be one of the girls, which she was greatly enjoying. Kate had a feeling Rick would be enjoying looking after Johnny too. The brilliant thing about their son was, even though he had to be cared for, looking after him never seemed to be a chore.

…

"Daddy?"

"Mmhm?" Rick said, adjusting his bow tie.

"Will Mommy be wearing a big white dress?"

"I think so, but I haven't seen it."

"I think she will be. Will you do my tie?"

Rick knelt down and neatly tied Johnny's miniature bow tie and adjusted his little waistcoat.

"You look great," he told his son. Johnny grinned.

"You don't look bad either. When do we have to go?"

Rick checked his phone. "Five minutes ago," he said with a cheeky grin. "Say goodbye to the hotel!"

Johnny looked around. "I like the Hamptons better."

"Good. Me too."

"This was fun though."

"Very. Your Mom will be in the car on the way to the church by now."

"Already?"

"Already, I know. So quickly. Soon I'll be married."

"Again."

Rick chuckled and took Johnny's hand, picking up all their bags with the other and heading out of the hotel room.

"Yes, again. Third time's a charm," he said. "Who told you I'd been married before?"

"I don't know. Alexis, Grams, Mom... Everyone knows."

Rick laughed again. "I'm just glad you didn't google it."

"Soon I'll be able to. Lex is teaching me how to use her old laptop."

"That's great. But do me a favour. Don't ever look me up."

Johnny grinned. "Why not?"

"There are lots of lies on the internet. And lots of weird people read my books."

"Fine. I won't look. I want to learn to type."

"I'll help you if you like. You'll learn at school I should think."

"Yeah, but I want to type fast like you, with all my fingers and without looking at the letters."

They were at the car by this time and Rick loaded their bags into the trunk.

"There's no reason why you shouldn't learn to do that," Rick said, strapping Johnny into the car seat. "And of course I'll teach you. Mostly it just takes practice."

"I'll have to think of something to write. I could write stories, like you."

"Sometimes I can't believe you're just four."

"Age is just a number."

Rick laughed loudly. "Who told you that?"

"Grams. Why is it funny?"

"No reason – just it's an odd saying for someone so little."

There was a pause while Rick drove towards the church.

"Are you excited?" Johnny asked.

"Very," Rick said cheerfully.

"Will it be fun? Like the bit in the church?"

Rick thought about this. "I don't know. I mean, for me, yes, because it's very special and meaningful. For you... well you watch. You'll be sitting with Grandpa."

"Is he angry about it?"

Rick smiled. "I don't think so. He didn't like me much at first."

"He had a big fight with Mommy about you. And about me."

"You're right, CB, there was a fight. But it wasn't about you. You're pretty much the constant – however anyone in the family feels about each other, they still love you. It was about me, but we've moved on. I've gotten to know him a bit better; we've all been spending more time together. I think he's happy that your Mom's happy – that's all he really wants."

"I'm happy if she's happy, too," Johnny decided.

They arrived at the church and Rick parked the car, relieved to see that although the car park was already filling up, the bridal car was _not _there. Inside the church he quickly found Jim and exchanged a friendly greeting. Jim actually seemed quite happy to see him. Rick walked along the aisle, looking at the pews that were quickly filling up with people. The minister was already waiting at the front of the hall; he would have to go and stand there too in a few minutes. They found Johnny's seat in the front row and he seemed content to sit there alone while Jim walked Kate down the aisle. He was only a few feet away from Rick. He sat down and jiggled his legs excitedly, grinning from ear to ear.

"Don't get the words wrong," he told his father as Rick took his place with Javi standing beside him. Rick laughed quietly.

"Don't distract me," he said, without turning around. They heard a car horn from outside. Kate was here. Rick felt his pulse quicken; his heart was pounding in his chest. He wouldn't look around. It was bad luck. He wouldn't, he wouldn't... He was desperate to see her, desperate to watch her walking towards him, desperate to see what she looked like, desperate just for any contact with the woman he loved so dearly.

The organ began to play and he took a deep breath. They were really doing this!

…

Kate heard the music start and her hands began to shake. She gripped her bouquet – blue and white roses – tightly and took slow, shallow breaths as Alexis adjusted her veil. The air was warm but she shivered. She was glad she was only wearing low heels – she suddenly felt as though she might trip.

She didn't know what it was. A combination of blissful happiness and a little bit of fear, mingled with mild disbelief. She had always pictured herself getting married some day but now the day was actually here it didn't seem real. Her father appeared in the vestibule and winked at her. She smiled.

"You look... breathtaking, Katie," he said, grinning at her. "And if nothing else, the look on your face tells me that this is the right thing for you to be doing."

"Why?" Kate asked, instantly calmer now that he was here.

"You look exactly how I felt the day I married your mother."

Kate let him link his arm through hers and Alexis led the way into the hall, followed by Lanie. Martha walked behind Kate to help with her train, then moved away to sit with Johnny, who was fidgeting energetically. Kate took in the church, feeling the music swell around her as her eyes came to rest on the upright back and shoulders of the man she was about to marry. A delirious smile fixed to her face, she walked slowly down the aisle.

Rick managed not to look. When she arrived at his side and handed her bouquet to Alexis he still kept his eyes on the stained glass window at the front of the church. He felt her put her hand in his, interlocking their fingers and squeezing gently. The minister smiled at them and began to read; everyone sat down and the ceremony began.

The words made more sense than they ever had before, but when it came to the final passage it was all either of them could do not to scream, 'Yes, we do! Let us kiss already!'. Kate spoke clearly and confidently; the ring was on Rick's finger and she meant every word she had said. Rick spoke with equal strength and just as honestly. Neither of them were particularly keen on overly romantic moments, or 'sappy' love stories – but this was something different. It was a promise, a promise that no matter how many mistakes they both made, they would be there for each other and they would love each other. They would get through it all, together.

"...You may kiss the bride."

"Finally," Rick muttered as he lifted Kate's veil. She laughed, then looked into his eyes.

"Always," they whispered at the same moment. Rick leaned down; the height difference was far more pronounced when she was wearing lower heels; and kissed her softly. For once it was a kiss that led to nothing – a grown up kiss. The crowd oohed and aahed, but the contact ended all too quickly for either of their likings. All too soon they were dragged outside for photographs as their guests headed over to the hall for the reception. Kate looked around for Johnny and beckoned him over. He was still grinning.

"You're married now," he told her cheerfully.

"I know," she replied.

"Do you feel different?"

Rick looked at her, interested in the answer she would give her son.

"No..." she said slowly. "I feel fantastic. I'm having one of the very best days of my life. But we're still us," she said with a wink at Rick.

"How about you, writer boy? Do you feel different?"

Rick grinned and lifted Johnny up onto his shoulders. "Mostly all I feel right now is hungry. We didn't have time for breakfast."

Kate giggled, then blinked as the photographer flashed another picture.

"Perfect," he called out. Kate and Rick smiled at each other. The man was more right than he would ever know.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading. Please review! Also, please check out 'Lady Beckett', yet another fic I've started. It's set in England in the early 19th century, and there are swords... Love you! Z xxx


	65. Chapter 65

CHAPTER 5

They walked across the courtyard to the church hall; Kate liked that people didn't have to go somewhere else for the reception. The hall was already filled with people, milling about, getting drinks and chatting. Esposito and Ryan got up to make their speech and Kate groaned. She knew this was going to be embarrassing.

Fifteen minutes later, clapping and cheering, she had actually been pleasantly surprised. There had been several jokes, of course, but nothing that made her or Rick really uncomfortable. While they listened, Johnny had made friends with Lanie's niece, Talisha, who was about his age. He had disappeared into the crowd with her. Kate was glad. She was so blissfully happy, she could barely take her eyes off Rick. She didn't want Johnny to feel neglected, but Rick was demanding pretty much her full attention.

The band began to play. Rick had picked out the song for their first dance and when she heard it she giggled; she couldn't help it.

"You picked our sex song?" she muttered in his ear as the band performed an excellent rendition of Billy Joel's _A Matter of Trust_. Rick swung her around.

"You like it. I can see it in your eyes."

Kate grinned at him. "I love it. And I love _you_." She knew it was cheesy, but hell, she was in the mood for cheesy. Rick laughed and adjusted his hold on her so he could tip her back and plant a huge kiss on her mouth, which quickly deepened into something not appropriate for the setting. Kate felt a tap on her shoulder and blushed a deep shade of crimson when she looked up to see her father.

But all he said was, "Congratulations," then he walked away with a big grin on his face.

"Wow," she said.

"I know. How could we not have tried making out in front of him before?"

Kate laughed. "Stop it."

Rick shook his head. "Nope. You've married itnow. You're stuck with it forever."

"The scariest part is that I don't mind."

They danced more, completely absorbed with each other, hardly noticing their guests. The band played an array of cheesy pop songs; Kate was slightly worried by how many of the lyrics she not only recognised but remembered in full.

ONE WEEK LATER

"Mommy!" Johnny screamed, running through the apartment to jump into Kate's arms. Kate put down her suitcase and lifted him up, holding him tightly to her as Rick smiled and herded them inside, taking care of all the luggage. Martha winked at them and picked up her purse.

"I'll leave you all to it," she said with a tired smile. Kate hoped she hadn't been too stressed that week. Johnny still clung to his mother tightly.

"Hey, CB, what's up?" she asked.

"Nothing," he said. "I'm just glad you're back."

Rick smiled at her and began to walk out of the room but Johnny saw him leaving and struggled away from Kate.

"Don't go away Daddy. I haven't said hello to you yet," he said, going to Rick to be picked up into another hug. Rick grinned.

"Hello Johnny. How was your week?"

"Boring. How was yours?"

Rick winked at Kate. "Boring too."

* * *

"_Oh my goodness, Rick, it's beautiful," Kate whispered._

"_Kate, this is just the hotel. This isn't even-"_

_She interrupted him with a passionate kiss. He pulled her into him, loving the rustle of her exquisite dress._

"_I think you should wear this again," he said softly, gently pushing her back and turning her round so he could get at the strings and hooks which held it on. He kissed her neck and she shuddered. _

"_I hope I don't have an occasion to."_

"_Maybe you could just wear it for me..." he said as he began to unfasten everything. It was harder than he'd thought and she laughed as he cursed. When he finally got her out of it she let out a huge sigh of relief._

"_What?"_

"_I can breathe again," she said happily. She stepped out of her shoes and he took off his suit, grinning at her. _

"_D'you think it'll be different? Now that we're married?"_

_Kate chuckled as she pushed him back onto the bed. It had been a whole week – she was _so _ready for this._

"_Well, I've heard that married sex is... boring," she said, planting kisses on his bare chest as he shuddered and twitched. _

_An hour later, when she was curled up in his arms wearing nothing but her wedding ring, Rick kissed the top of his wife's head. _

_"If that was boring, I hope we have the most boring married life we can."_

* * *

Kate and Rick ended up taking Johnny through to the bedroom to unpack with them. They had bought him a little souvenir from France; a small teddy bear with a jacket with the French flag on it. He hugged it immediately and began talking to it in nonsense words.

"What are you saying to it?" Kate asked as she dumped an armful of clothes into the laundry basket.

"Not it. Him. And I'm speaking French, because he won't understand English."

Rick grinned. "That makes sense to me. What's his name?"

"I don't know. What are some French names?"

Rick and Kate looked at each other. "Uh, Jean?" Kate suggested.

"Is that like my name in French?"

"Yeah," Rick said.

"Okay. Then he can be _Jean_," Johnny said, copying his mother's pronunciation perfectly.

* * *

Kate woke up the next morning to the cruel beeping of her alarm. It was waaaaay to early, but she had to get up. Rick groaned beside her.

"S'too early," he mumbled. She rolled out of bed and pulled her running clothes out of a drawer.

"I have to go running," she said. "If I don't I'll never start again."

Rick sat up. "But I can think of so many better forms of exercise."

Kate grinned. "I'll be back in forty minutes. You can help me shower."

Rick laughed and lay back down. "I'm never going to sleep now."

"Well, my dear husband, you shouldn't have brought it up."

"Well, my dear wife, no, maybe I shouldn't. Have a nice run. I'll be wishing I was running behind you."

"You couldn't keep up."

"Sure I could."

Kate raised her eyebrows.

"Put your money where your mouth is, Mr Castle – get your ass out of bed and come too."

"Can't. Have to look after Johnny."

"No you don't. Martha's here. I heard her come in last night."

"But- wait, how did you hear her come in?"

"I just notice things. It's a cop thing."

"I can't believe you weren't completely absorbed," he said, looking rather crestfallen. Kate threw his shorts at him.

"Come on. You can absorb me later. Or maybe I'll absorb you..."

He jumped out of bed and pulled on his shorts and some running shoes. They went to get water from the kitchen but passed on the music players. They had each other. Rick watched Kate stretch and couldn't help smiling. Kate turned around and looked his shirtless torso up and down. His smile widened.

"Are you happy with what you married?"

Kate winked. "I think you could use some exercise."

"So cruel."

"I'm your wife now, what did you expect?"

"You mean you're going to be even more bossy than you already were?"

"It's practically a given, Castle."

"Well then Beckett, I'm going to be even more lazy and childish."

"You're not really lazy."

"I am so."

"Why are you arguing with that?"

"I... Gosh, we really are married."

"I know," Kate said thoughtfully. Then she threw half her bottle of water over him and darted out of the door. She took the stairs, his "I'm going to get you!" ringing in her ears as she hurried out into the morning sunshine. He caught up with her but didn't retaliate straight away. She thought she might have gotten away with it; they began to run together but just when she was feeling relaxed he splashed water all over her front.

Gasping, she ran faster, making him work harder too. He was just as fast as she was, though. They finished the distance she had decided and returned to the apartment. They took the stairs, both soaked in sweat from the heat of the summer morning. Kate checked the time when they got in.

"I have to be at work in a couple of hours. Are you coming in today?"

"I was thinking about it. How about I bring Johnny in a bit later?"

Kate grinned. "You are smart. Okay. I'll call you if we go off anywhere. I don't think Gates will mind..."

"Are you kidding? She loves him."

"That's true. Okay."

They were outside the bathroom door now. Kate walked in and left the door open for Rick to follow, taking off her clothes and dropping them on the floor as she turned on the shower.

"How long do we have?" Rick asked as he stepped out of his shorts.

"Long enough," Kate said, the corner of her mouth twitching. She knew exactly what he was asking.

* * *

A/N: I know there has been a lot of fluff, I hope you're enjoying it. I'm sorry I haven't been updating as often as I used to. I've started another fic called Lady Beckett which I'm updating a lot more. This one still has a good bit of mileage, though. To warn you – it's going to get angsty again. I will try to update more, and if you're bored, check out my other fics while you wait! Lots of love and please review! (The more reviews I get the more I want to update... lame but true.)


	66. Chapter 66

Chapter 6

A/N: Sorry I took so long to update. I've been writing Lady Beckett (which you are free to look at if you want something to keep you going!) but I have finally got the inspiration for this. I should update Sierra too... And study for my exams...

* * *

Kate sat at her desk. It was her first day back from an exciting honeymoon with an exciting husband, and dammit, she was _bored_. She had never found her work boring before but there was something about Rick... it was like eating chocolate ice cream after only ever having Vanilla. You could go back to Vanilla and it was still okay... but you were always thinking about how much better the chocolate would be. She sighed and looked at the little clock in the corner of her computer screen. 9.15. She wondered when Rick and Johnny would visit.

She missed Johnny too. She felt as though she'd barely seen him. She thought back a few months (shockingly few, when she thought about it too hard) to before Rick had come, when it had essentially been just the two of them. Of course she'd had help from her friends but it wasn't the same. It wasn't the same as having another parent around. And it certainly wasn't the same as having a _husband _around. A husband. She had a husband.

It was still weird to think of him like that. He was just... Castle. When she'd first met him he'd made such an impression that although he had changed, in a way he was still the same nine year old on a sugar rush she'd arrested for... well, for being both very attractive and very annoying, if she was honest about it.

9.18. She picked up a pen and tossed it in the air, letting it flip and catching it without even looking.

"Beckett?"

She shook herself into the present.

"Esposito."

"Congratulations."

"Thank you."

"Good honeymoon?"

She raised her eyebrows.

"I'll take that as a yes. Where is writer boy?"

"At home with Johnny."

"Ah. It's alright for some."

"I know what you mean."

"We missed you," cut in Ryan, appearing behind his partner.

"I... didn't really miss you," Kate admitted with a grin. "Did you solve any cases while I was away?"

"Just the one. Pretty boring," Esposito told her. "And we haven't caught another yet."

"So paperwork then. But I think I'm caught up..." Kate said.

"You should ask Gates what you should do."

"Yeah. You look bored," Ryan said.

"What about you guys? Can't I just help you with something?"

"Nah, we're good," Espo said with a cheeky smile.

"Yeah, two man job," Ryan added. Kate groaned and got up to knock on the door of her captain's office. Gates invited her in with the usual stern expression.

"Yes?" she asked, her tone implying she was far too busy to deal with a lowly detective.

"I...ah... What needs doing?" she asked.

"You have nothing to do? No paperwork?"

"No Sir. I was all caught up before I went on leave."

"I see. Well," Gates looked up at her over her glasses. "You can organise the evidence room."

"Sir?"

"We're understaffed. Go to it, detective. I don't have all day."

Kate left the room. She had no idea what she'd done. Organising the evidence room was a job for a rookie uniform. Gates must be angry about something. She swore under her breath as she got into the elevator and rode it down. She missed Castle in the elevator too. She leaned against the wall as she thought about him and elevators... The ping of the doors jolted her back to reality and she stepped out into the hallway of the deserted basement. She signed herself in and looked around the cluttered room. This could take _weeks_.

An hour later, sneezing from the dust, aching from moving all the boxes, she had made almost no headway and was more bored than when she'd been sitting at her desk. She checked her phone. Typical. There was no signal down here. She couldn't even text Castle to tell him to hurry up. She yawned and got back to work. She had never been a slacker, no matter how boring the job.

She took a quick lunch break, going out into the fresh air to buy a coffee and sandwich. She didn't have any messages. She texted Lanie with a quick hello and invitation to dinner at the weekend. Lanie didn't answer before she went back inside. She groaned at the thought of another afternoon of solitude but she managed to entertain herself by thinking about her best moments with Castle. It had been an action packed four months. When she realised she would be needing a cold shower if she thought about her _husband _any more, she moved on to thinking about things Johnny did. She loved remembering his childhood, all those little things... She had kept a journal to record everything; she'd printed out pictures too. Everyone just had digital albums these days but she had printed things out and made a kind of scrapbook. It suddenly dawned on her that Rick didn't even know this existed. She grinned when she thought of showing him; she couldn't believe she hadn't had the idea before. He would love it.

Thinking about her son took her through the whole afternoon. She took another trip upstairs at about 4pm to see if she had any messages but the only one was a gleeful acceptance of her invitation from Lanie. She wondered what had happened to Rick. She shrugged off the disappointment; she was sure there would be an explanation.

She left work at 7. Boring as it was, she'd gotten caught up in organising the evidence; she'd been determined to finish one more shelf before she went home. She smiled as she signed herself out. That had been something her mother had taught her. The way to show people up when they forced you to do something reasonable was to do that job so well that it was something you could be proud of. She had taught Kate to have an unbreakable spirit.

"_But it's not fair! I didn't do anything and she still kept me in all recess!"_

"_Katie, while writing an explanation of the unfairness of it all on the blackboard instead of cleaning it as you were told to is an inventive rebellion, it wasn't the right thing."_

"_The teacher didn't do the right thing!"_

_Johanna knelt down in front of her angry nine year old._

"_I know she didn't. But the way to prove her wrong about you isn't to go against her."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_If you want to show her that you're not who she thinks she is, tomorrow you will not only clean the blackboard, you will also clean everything else in the room."_

"_What? Why?"_

"_Because you're stronger than her, and better than her. When someone makes you do something unreasonable, if they are in a position of power, you still have to do it. But doing more than they ask, doing a better job than they expect, shows them that you're not broken. Have you ever heard the expression killing them with kindness?"_

_Kate shook her head. "Or maybe... this is from the bible. We're not Christian but a lot of the messages are very useful. There's a bible story where Jesus says if someone hits you, you should turn the other cheek and let them hit you on that side too."_

"_I don't understand. Why would you let them hit you twice?"_

"_Because you're showing them you're better. It's like..." Johanna tried to explain. "There is no other way to rebel. The only way to prove your worth is to take the punishment standing tall, to... to stay good."_

_"So... by cleaning everything I would show the teacher that she was wrong about me and maybe she would feel bad?"_

"_Yes... sort of. But even if she didn't feel bad, you would have shown yourself that not only can you stand up to what she throws at you, you can stand up to far more."_

Kate still hadn't fully understood, but she had cleaned the whole room, and the teacher had never given her a detention again. She understood now. She rubbed her eyes. It was the dust. She bit her lip and rode the elevator up to the ground floor and got into her car. There was still no message from Rick. She put her phone away and drove back home feeling rather deflated. It had been a very non-day for her first day back.

She checked the time. It was nearly 8pm. She hoped they would have eaten without her. She took the stairs up to the loft, wanting the exercise. She opened the door and looked around – and was almost bowled over by Johnny charging along holding a laser gun. She closed the door and got out of the way before Rick could plough into her too. They were both screaming and laughing. She went into the kitchen. Their dirty breakfast and lunch dishes were still on the counter; the sink was full of water and several waterlogged paper boats. The train set was out all over the living room floor; Johnny's pyjamas were on the floor too. Kate went back to the kitchen to get a glass of water but was confronted with the apparently in-use sink again. She looked at the boys still charging around completely oblivious to the chaos they had created, and burst into tears.

She didn't know what it was. Jealousy, probably. She wished she could have spent the day with them, wished she could have played all the games that were still strewn around the apartment, wished she had the energy to run around playing laser tag now. She leaned against the fridge and ended up sinking down it to sit on the floor, holding her head in her hands as she cried her eyes out. Rick didn't even notice. She was hidden by the counter.

It was half an hour before he came looking for her.

"Kate?" he said, looking over the top of the counter. She wiped her nose on her sleeve and hurried to stand up as he stared at her through those stupid glasses. Johnny shot him in the back and he turned to chase his son. Kate was left standing there again. She turned around and walked to her bedroom, kicked off her shoes, stripped down to her underwear and climbed into bed. She cried for over an hour. When Rick came to bed about an hour after that she pretended to be asleep.

"I know you're awake," he told her. She didn't answer.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "We... there's no excuse. I know there isn't. We were just so happy to be together again... And then we were going to come over but it was too late and I thought you'd be heading back. And the mess... Jesus, Kate, I'm so sorry. That must have been hell to come back to. I've cleared everything up, we just got carried away." She heard him thump down on the bed. "Fuck. I am such an idiot. I hope you forgive me. Because I know I'm a self centred jackass but I... I love you. And I know that's not enough. But... I'll fix it. You tell me what to do. And I'll fix it."

Hell, he was crying now. Kate felt terrible for him. She hadn't been angry. It wasn't his fault she'd had a shit day. He hadn't texted her, but she hadn't texted him to say she'd be back late, either. She didn't speak, but she moved in the bed so she was pressed against his side with her head on his chest. She felt his sigh of relief as he held her close to him.

"I love you too," she whispered. He kissed the top of her head.

There. That hadn't been so hard. They'd fixed it, he'd fixed it, everything was good. Kate smiled. But she didn't tell him about the scrapbook.

* * *

A/N: So - please tell me what you think! I hope you liked it. I did warn you the drama was returning... Love you! xxx (And I'm writing chapter 7 right now...)


	67. Chapter 67

Chapter 7

A/N: Told you I was just gonna go right on writing...

* * *

Rick was walking on eggshells the entire morning. Kate wished he would just relax but he was so damn attentive! He offered to come to work with her but she said she was focused on her work and it would be better if he just looked after Johnny. He agreed instantly (as he did with everything she said that morning) and promised the loft would be spotless when she returned. She laughed and said she'd be happy if it just maintained its current condition.

Rick knew she was distant. He didn't know what had happened, he knew it wasn't all his fault but in a way it was – she'd had a bad day at work but it wouldn't have mattered at all if he could have just been there for her when she got home. Or if he'd even bothered to send her a measly text message. Even just one... He wanted to bang his head against the wall. She was still upset. She had forgiven him, just as she always did. But everything wasn't... it was as though coming back from their honeymoon had finally brought them down from the cloud they'd been floating on for months. They were on solid ground now and it was... hard.

And then she kissed him goodbye.

Not just a married couple kiss.

A rip off your shirt pull down your pants and fall in a tangle on the fucking floor kiss.

Wait. It _was _a married couple kiss. Because they were married. They would always be married. This wasn't something their mistakes could break. It meant far more to both of them... They would work through the hard and they would fly back to the bloody cloud and be better than ever before. Rick grinned. He loved that Kate could tell him that with a kiss.

"What?" she asked him with blistering eyes.

"Just remember you're fucking amazing, okay?"

She laughed. She had to. His expression, his flushed face, his erection which he wasn't even trying to hide... He grinned. Her face had lit up.

"There you are," he whispered.

"I wasn't really gone. Maybe for a moment. Thanks."

"For what?"

"For bringing me back."

"Always."

Kate left the loft with a much lighter heart. It would be okay. She had known it would be. It was just... going back to normal. And figuring out what normal was.

They still didn't have a case. She didn't mind. She was actually looking forward to the evidence room. And she'd brought her iPod speakers. Esposito and Ryan grinned at her and she grinned back.

She was dancing around dusting and organising when someone tapped her on the shoulder. She screeched and spun around.

"Castle?" she yelled over the music. He winked and stopped her when she moved to turn the music down.

"I like it," he mouthed. "How are you?"

She just grinned at him. "What are you doing here?"

At this he had to turn the music down. "I thought I'd show you what our married life is actually going to be like."

"Oh yes? Where's Johnny, by the way?"

"Oh, I left him alone at the loft with some matches to play with."

Kate punched him playfully on the shoulder.

"I'm going to get you back for that. He's with my mother. I called her. And, in answer to your other question, yes. I am."

"And what is our married life going to be like?"

He turned the music back up and shoved a chair to block the door. "This," he muttered as he slammed his mouth into hers.

* * *

"Well that's a first," Kate said as she did up her blouse.

"For me, too."

She hit him again.

"Okay I deserved that one."

"You really did. You ripped off two buttons."

"Sorry. You kind of left me hanging this morning."

"Needy."

"For you? Always."

He leaned in to kiss her again but she pushed him away.

"Not now. You know what we're like. I'll lose all my other buttons."

Rick grinned. "Would that really be so bad?"

Kate grinned back. "Thanks for coming."

"Oh, it was entirely selfish on my part."

Kate smiled at him. "No it wasn't."

"Stop it. You'll ruin the image I've worked so hard to create!"

"I won't tell anyone."

"You want me to stay to help?"

"No, that's okay."

"So it's settled. I'm staying."

Kate flashed him another delicious smile. "Thanks."

"Always."

"So much always."

"It means I love you."

"But you said always even before we had that night the first time-"

"I know."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Shit."

"You said it too."

"Yeah but I didn't mean I love you-"

"Yes you did."

Kate sighed. "Fine. I did. But only subconsciously."

"I love your subconscious."

"I love _you_."

"It's okay, I know."

"I know you know. I just like saying it."

"You're weird. Now get back to work, slacker."

Kate giggled. Rick raised his eyebrows. "Giggle again and those buttons really are done for."

Kate didn't reply, she just started working again. Rick was actually fairly helpful, plus she had someone to talk to which was nice. When she spent too long alone she tended to spiral inside her mind.

They left on the dot of six; they wanted to see Johnny.

"He missed you yesterday," Rick said as they drove home. "He said you should call in sick to work."

Kate laughed. "And I was so sure I'd raised him to be honest. We'll do something at the weekend."

"I'll bring him to work tomorrow. Assuming you're out of the basement."

"I might be if you bring him. I don't know what I did to annoy Gates."

"Had a happy life?"

Kate grinned. "Maybe."

This was when she could tell him. She had been so excited to tell him this time yesterday. She had barely been able to contain her excitement at the prospect of his. The scrapbook would be brilliant. It was just the right moment to mention it. They could spend the evening talking about it, it would bring them closer together... But she said nothing. They picked up some Chinese food on the way home and chatted happily about anything and everything. Kate felt fine, in fact, she felt really good. But she still didn't tell him.

* * *

She wasn't alone in the apartment until Saturday morning. As soon as Rick had left with Johnny and Alexis to go swimming she went straight for the box under the bed and pulled out the book. She sat on the floor and opened it, looking at all the pictures, all the little things she'd written. She clutched at the memories, all these beautiful days that she'd had, that she'd forgotten.

She still thought it would be great to look through it with Rick. She really wanted to show him, he'd love to know all this about his son. She fiddled with the pages, biting her lip. Why didn't she want to show him?

She did. Sort of. She did. She wanted him to see it. She just...

He hadn't been there. She hated herself for still caring but in a way it was natural that she would. He hadn't been there and she was still angry. Not with him but... at the universe. With both of them, maybe. With the whole situation. There was no use getting so caught up in the past that she threw away her future but... the past was a part of her. Johnny's past was a part of him. And Johnny had spent the first four years of his life without a father.

Kate slammed the book shut. And then opened it again because she had spotted something. A folded piece of paper that she must have tucked into the cover. She'd missed it looking through before. She didn't even remember what it was. She unfolded it with shaking hands, somehow sensing that it was important, somehow feeling the feeling that had gone into it. She read it through twice, her eyes blurry with tears.

_Dear Castle,_

_Today was Johnny's second birthday. Johnny's our son. John Richard. I hate you for leaving but in a way I don't. This is hard. You're the writer. But I want to tell you something. We don't even know if you're alive. But I think you are. I won't tell anyone because it sounds so stupid and I don't believe in things like this but I can feel you, Castle. I know you're out there somewhere and I know one day you'll come back to us and meet your son and guide your daughter and reassure your mother and XXXX XX see me again._

_I know why you left. I think I would have too. And I know you're doing good. I hope you're thinking of him. He looks like you. It would be terrible if I wanted to forget you because he is just so _you _it breaks my heart and makes me smile at the same time. I'm glad._

_This is a letter to you but you won't see it. Even if you do come back I'd never dare show it to you. It's absurd. It's a letter to me, I suppose. If it's an honest letter I guess I should say why I don't want to forget you, why I hope I remember you forever._

_From the moment I saw you I knew you were different. All that crap you put on was fake, I saw right through it. Which isn't unusual; I'm used to seeing through people. But what was unusual was that you saw right through me. And you didn't run away. You stayed, you followed me around. And then you went on to get me pregnant. I don't regret a second of it. If you met Johnny you'd see it'd be impossible to regret him. And you..._

_That was the best weekend of my life. Of course I've been without my clothes in front of several men. But you're the only man to ever see me naked._

_I hope I see you again, because... oh fuck it. If I don't say it now I never will._

_I think I love you._

_Kate._

_P.S. Please come back._

She stared at the paper, the memory of writing it suddenly flooding back to her. The 'Please come back' especially. She had curled up in the big bed and bawled her eyes out, begging God, Jesus, wishing stars, anyone, anything, to bring him back. To just keep him safe, to keep him safe and bring him home. And him. She had screamed into that pillow. _Just come back! Just please, please come back!_

She took the letter and the book and went through to the kitchen. She poured herself a glass of water and called Rick. They would be out of the pool by now but they had been going to go out to lunch.

"Can you come home?" she asked as soon as he answered.

"Are you okay?" he asked, hearing the hitch in her voice.

Kate smiled through her tears. "Yes, actually. Never been better. But come home."

"We're on our way," he replied. He was through the door within twenty minutes. She was still in the kitchen.

"I want to show you something," she said. She handed him the letter and the book. "Don't laugh," she said sternly as he began to read the letter. She went with Johnny and Alexis into the living room to create another complicated railway system. Rick was frozen to the spot. He finished the letter and blinked. He went to watch Kate play with his son and opened the scrapbook, looking at all the pictures of her with him as he grew up. He went to put both the book and the letter on their bed, and then went back to the living room to help with the railway.

"All that time?" he whispered in Kate's ear, his voice thick with emotion.

"Always," Kate whispered back.

Rick found her hand and held it tight. She caught his eye and smiled. They looked at each other for almost a minute.

"What are you two talking about?" Johnny asked.

Kate turned to him. "We weren't talking," she said, confused.

"Yes you were. You weren't using words. But you were talking."

Kate stared at him open mouthed; Rick was similarly stunned and impressed. "We were talking about being married," he answered eventually. Johnny made a face.

"Well stop it. We're making a railway."

"Right," Kate and Rick said together. Alexis laughed.

"I don't know what the two of you would do without the four year old to keep you in line."

"Neither do I," Kate said honestly.

* * *

A/N: So there you go. 2 chapters in one night. Now write those reviews so I can love you even more... xxx


	68. Chapter 68

Chapter 8

A/N: So, Didi...

* * *

Kate got up to leave the games on the living room floor to start preparing dinner for when Lanie came round but Rick caught her eye and got up to do it instead.

"You stay here," he told her. Kate smiled. Johnny grinned too.

"You have to," he told her. "You're always so busy. Why is Daddy never busy?"

"Daddy has a lazy job," Kate said, her eyes twinkling.

"But he makes more money than you."

"Life isn't fair. Anyway, what's his is mine, too."

"Because you're married now."

"Exactly."

"But we lived in his house before you were married."

"Yes... we did."

"Because he's my Daddy?"

Kate bit her lip. "Yeah. That's pretty much it."

"Did we always live here?"

"Ye- No," Kate realised she had to answer honestly. Rick's ears pricked up.

"I thought you did. I thought you moved in before you even had Johnny."

Kate nodded. "I did. But... we moved out for a while." _When I thought you were dead. _

"Where did we live then?" Johnny asked.

"A horrible little place," Kate admitted.

"But... why would we live there?"

* * *

Johnny had been two for about a week when Kate realised she couldn't take it any more. Alexis was seventeen and... wearing. The girl needed a parent. Kate wasn't right, Alexis respected her but thought of her as a friend. They were equals. For all Rick's silliness, he was her father and their relationship had been different. Alexis had a boyfriend now, too, and he was the one she talked to. He was lovely, his name was Ashley and he was kind and sweet. Good for her, Kate thought.

Kate knew she was difficult to live with. And the apartment... they had changed it but it was still his. It was still Castle's. On Johnny's birthday she had felt as though she was drowning in him. He was everywhere, all these memories... She lived with his family, she slept in his bed.

A dead man's bed. There was no other explanation. It had been over a year since he had made contact with Martha. He was dead. And she had to go.

The apartment had just appeared. She had seen an ad in the paper and visited the guy after work. It was very small but in an okay neighbourhood and cheap enough that she would be able to continue putting a fair bit of money into the savings account she'd set up for Johnny to go to college. It was furnished. She didn't really have any stuff. Only a car full.

She talked it out with Martha. Martha understood. She had to talk to Alexis too but she wasn't as blunt with her explanation.

"It's been long enough," she said with a weak smile. "I can't scrounge off you and your grandmother forever. Johnny and I are going to go it alone now."

Alexis begged her not to leave but she insisted. She just couldn't take it. She also spoke to Montgomery; he was happy for her to bring Johnny into work, saying he'd be happy to look after the little boy while she was in the field. Lanie also offered to help.

Johnny was the hardest. He watched her packing his clothes into a big suitcase and frowned.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"We're moving. To our own apartment. Isn't that exciting?"

Johnny seemed to consider this. "No," he told her, then ran off into her room. She sighed. He screamed all the way down to the car and all the way to the new place. He just wouldn't stop. She tried to talk to him, she tried bribing him, she tried threatening him but he couldn't even tell her what was so wrong.

She unpacked while he screamed, made dinner, watched as he sat in the middle of the floor, tears streaming down his cheeks. She made his favourite kind of pasta but he just threw the bowl away. Kate looked at the mess all over the floor and stared at her own bowl that she was holding. And then she started screaming herself. She threw the bowl at the wall; it broke and tomato sauce splattered everywhere. It looked like blood.

She sat down on the floor and cried to rival Johnny. She didn't even notice that he had stopped until she felt his arms around her.

"Mommy," he whispered. Her crying slowed and she wiped her eyes.

"Sorry," she choked. "I... I'm so sorry, Johnny."

She pulled him onto her lap and held him tightly. The new place had a little box room that was going to be his but he slept in her room that night. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know... because she had always just assumed that Castle would come back. She had always thought that one day he would turn up and explain himself and she could be angry with him; she was SO angry with him but... she needed him to be alive so she could go on being angry. If he was dead she was just... alone.

After three months they were doing okay. The place wasn't nice. But it was okay. At least she was with Johnny all the time. She loved getting to know him... she didn't know where he got it all from but he was a wonderful character. So much fun. Like his father, she had to admit. He looked like Rick too. Big blue eyes, a slightly different shade but the same intensity as Castle's had always had when he looked at her. The scruffy brown hair, the intelligent features... She knew he was smart. It was obvious.

It was halfway their fourth month when things changed. Alexis turned up at the precinct. She had obviously been crying, she and Kate still spoke often but they were both fairly busy and didn't see as much of each other as Alexis would have liked. Johnny was with Ryan and Esposito; Kate took Alexis to the break room and hugged her tightly.

"What is it?" she asked.

This only seemed to bring on a new wave of sobs. Kate guided Alexis into the most comfortable seat and then sat opposite her helplessly.

"Come home," Alexis finally managed to say. "Please... please just come home. It's bad enough that my father is dead. Now the woman who might as well be my mother is leaving my life too."

"Alexis... I love you, honey, but I'm not your mother-"

"Yes! Yes you are! What else are you? You've been my mother for two years. I know you left because you think Dad's dead. But that isn't a reason to leave. That's just another reason to _stay_."

"Lex, you have a mother and she isn't me. I love you. I do. But I... It..."

"You left because you think he's dead."

"He might not be."

"No one will say in front of me how small the chance is. But I'm not stupid. He's dead. Or even if he isn't, it's been more than two years. He's never coming back."

Kate took Alexis' hand. "I'm so sorry-"

"We've done this. We did it two years ago. I'm not over it, but... That's not what I'm crying about."

"What are you crying about?"

"I... I came home from school and... I was looking for something and I went into your room and I really needed to ask you something and living with Grams is fine and I know she loves me but she's Grams and she's crazy and if my dad is dead I know, I _know_, he wanted us to live together and he wanted you and me to be friends and I did something really stupid today and there was no one there to tell me how stupid I was and I was just so alone because you weren't there and dad wasn't there and I was such an idiot and I'm not ready! I need you. Just... please, I can't-"

Kate was holding back tears as she pulled Alexis into another hug.

"Okay."

"Okay?" Alexis said. "You mean you'll come home?"

"I'll come home."

* * *

"We lived in another place for about three months. Just to see... to try it. But no one liked that arrangement. So we came back."

"Good," Johnny said.

"I agree," Alexis said. She caught Kate's eye and they both smiled.

The dinner with Lanie was great; there was talking and laughing and everyone seemed perfectly at ease. Except Rick. Kate could see he was troubled but now wasn't the time. She would ask him later. When they looked through the album.

Lanie hugged her for a little longer than usual when she left.

"You take care, girl," she said.

"I will. You too," Kate replied. Lanie caught her eye.

"I mean it, you know!"

"I mean it too. We should have Javi round here with you one of these days."

"No. Not for _years_. We aren't good at dinner parties."

"Ah. I see." They both laughed and after another round of goodbyes Lanie left. Johnny was already in bed, Alexis went up to her room to read. Kate took Rick's hand and led him to their room.

"You're wondering why I left?" she asked him. He nodded.

"I... I know there's a lot I don't know about when I wasn't here. But why would you leave?"

"Because I thought you were dead and I couldn't face being reminded of you every day," she said simply. "It didn't work though. I had another reminder."

"I-"

"I know you're sorry. I've forgiven you. I did when you first walked through that door."

"You did?"

"Rick. I have been in love with you since about a week after we met."

"I've been in love with you since you first cuffed me," he told her.

"About the same then. So are we good?"

"We're good." He picked the album up off the bed. "You want to show me this?"

"Sure," Kate said, sitting on the edge of the bed with him.

It was just as good as she'd thought it would be. Better, probably. His expression, his comments, his smiles as he saw his son grow up in quotes and pictures.

"This is... perfect. It's almost as if you knew you would give it to me."

Kate laughed. "Did you not read the letter?"

"Touché."

"Actually it's not. I... I wrote the letter, but I didn't really think you were alive."

"Maybe I'm not," he joked. "Maybe I'm a vampire."

Kate laughed.

"Seriously though," he said, his expression changing as he closed the album and set it on the floor. "When you look like that I think I really might want to eat you."

Kate laughed harder. She was wearing a little black dress that she had put on only because she knew Lanie liked dressing up. Rick leaned into her.

"Delicious," he said, tracing his finger along her collarbone. She shuddered as he kissed her neck and guided her gently back onto the bed. And she smiled. Because he was very much alive, and not only was he with her now, he had promised to be with her always.

* * *

A/N: And if you want more of them being newly-weds, just go into Didi's mind. Thank you very much for reading, please review! Didi wants an M rated chapter. I don't know... depending on demand, we'll see...


	69. Chapter 69

Chapter 9

Kate and Rick were woken simultaneously with a visitor to their bed.

"Good morning!" Johnny shouted happily. "Do you know what today is?"

Rick groaned as Kate sat up, pulling the sheet with her to cover herself.

"No," Kate said. "What is today?"

Johnny grinned. "Sunday. Which means no work, no visitors – nothing except a Mommy day!"

Kate suddenly wanted to cry, it was so cute. The wave of emotion passed quickly, though, and she pulled her son into a hug. Rick sat up and wrapped his arms around the pair of them.

"Am I invited?" he asked Johnny. Johnny laughed.

"Of course."

"And what's the plan?"

"We're going to do nothing. Just stay here and play."

Kate laughed. "Where's Alexis?"

"She said to tell you she was going into town to meet some friends, and that she'll call later but she might stay over somewhere else."

"And Grams?"

"Gone out too. You guys slept late."

Kate glanced at the clock. It was 10am. Wow. She hadn't slept this long since... no. Couldn't be.

"I'll go make some coffee," Rick said, expertly sliding on some pyjama pants while in bed and getting up to take Johnny. Kate waited for them to leave the room then darted her hand out to open the drawer of her nightstand and look at the pill packet. It was fine. She had taken them all. She hadn't missed a single one, even on the honeymoon. She sighed. Maybe she just felt broody because she missed seeing Johnny all the time.

She got up too and put on her little silk robe which she'd taken to wearing around the house. Rick greeted her in the kitchen with a cup of freshly brewed coffee and she sipped it gratefully. Johnny narrowed his eyes at her.

"What?" she asked.

"Nothing," he said with a cheeky smile.

"You want something," she told him.

"How do you know?" he asked.

"I've known you your whole life. I always know. Just ask Daddy – mothers always know everything about their sons."

Johnny looked at his father, who grinned. "It's true," Rick said. There's just something about mothers."

Johnny looked back at Kate. "Okay... well. I was wondering if maybe... canwedocushiondivinginthelivingroomagain?"

Kate looked at him. "Can we what now?"

Rick winked. "Cushion diving. Right CB?"

Johnny smiled. "Please?"

Kate laughed. "As long as we put away _everything _breakable first. And I have to shower and get dressed. So do you, actually. When did you last have a bath?"

She turned to Rick for this question. He shrugged. Johnny stuck his tongue out.

"Tuesday. But I don't need one."

Kate looked at Rick and they both giggled. "How did we not smell him before?" Rick joked.

"We are terrible parents," Kate said into her coffee. She put down the cup and turned to her son.

"Bath. Then cushion diving."

"But-"

"Pick your battles, Johnny," his father advised him. "She agreed to cushion diving."

"Fine. But I like the bath in the Hamptons."

"And when we go there you can use it every day."

Johnny made a disgusted face and went to get his towel. Kate went upstairs to run the bath in the main bathroom. She put in bubbles and a rubber duck. She laughed at Rick's collection of bath toys – they had all been here when she moved in and she knew they had existed before Alexis.

Kate ended up having the most relaxing day she'd had since the Hamptons. After cushion diving there was fort building, then a railway, then some cooking, then reading, then snakes and ladders... When Johnny fell asleep at about 9pm Kate was disappointed. She looked into his room, watching him sleep. Rick put his arms around her from behind and hugged her. She leaned her head on his shoulder.

"It's going to be a whole week before we can do that again," she whispered sadly.

"A week goes quickly. Anyway, you love your job."

"Yeah," Kate said. "I do," she said more convincingly. "It's just... before, it was my top priority. Now, I have a lot of people in my life who come before my work. And I feel like I'm missing out on watching him grow up."

"You're not missing out. The fact that you work doesn't make you a bad mother – it makes you a good one, because you're showing him that you can live your own life and achieve even while you have a child."

"Now you sound like _my _mother," she said. They walked into the living room and settled on the couch.

"I resented her, you know," Kate said after a few minutes of silence. Rick didn't say anything. He knew that Kate would speak in her own time, and though he was curious, he didn't want to push her, especially with such a sensitive topic.

"I... she was always working. She made time to see me, she really did, and she was interested in my life, in my education, in being my friend... but she wasn't around. Other kids always complained about their mothers getting in their way, always badgering them to do things, telling them off, forcing them to help in the kitchen... Mine never did. She only ever told me to do a thing once, if she needed to tell me at all. I was a good kid. I got a little crazy when I was a teenager but I was still a good kid, never let it mess up my education..." she trailed off, not really sure what she was trying to say about Johnny.

"You're here for him, Kate," Rick began. "He knows you're here whenever he needs you."

"Yes but... I want to be here when he doesn't need me. It's changing... he has you and he loves you so much, you're a wonderful father, but... he used to be with me all the time. Every minute. Even when I went to the bathroom! And now... he's not."

"That would happen anyway. Kids grow up. But... why not talk to Gates, maybe switch to working part time over the summer?"

"You think she'd let me?"

"She won't fire you. You're the best. And she can't force you to work. You could even work from home a bit – that way I could help you but we wouldn't have to be at the precinct."

Kate laughed. "I think you underestimate her. She might well threaten to fire me. But okay, I'll ask."

"Good. Now... I have something I want to ask you about."

Kate looked at him. "What? Not something bad?"

"No. Something... I just wanted to know."

"You'll have to explain better than that."

Rick smiled and got up from the couch. Kate looked at him, puzzled, but he just nodded at her and went to their room to get something. When he came back in he was holding the scrapbook.

"I wanted to ask you about this," he said, opening it and showing her a picture. She was in a hospital bed, wearing a gown, looking absolutely drained, and holding a three year old Johnny.

"You know about this," she said, lifting up her shirt to show him the little scar on her chest.

"I know... what I really want to ask you is... I mean. I missed so much of Johnny. But you. I missed a lot of you, too."

"Those weren't my finest years, Castle. I'm actually kind of glad you weren't there for some of it."

"Did you-"

"I found out who killed my mother. I killed the guy who actually did it, and I found the guy who hired him. But I can't touch him. You already know that."

"I know, I just... maybe with me to help you we might get to him somehow."

"Castle. There's no way to get to him. He's a senator and he's covered his tracks. It's okay."

"Really?"

"Really. Look... what did you want to ask about? You know all this stuff. We've talked about it."

"I... It's your face. In the picture. It's your face. You're smiling but you aren't, you're not looking at Johnny, you look like a ghost-"

"Rick, I'd been shot."

"But you aren't happy to be alive."

Kate stared at him. "What do you mean?"

"You look like you wished the bullet had killed you."

"That's rubbish," Kate lied. "I would never wish for death. Life is too important."

"I know you don't want to die _now_. But I... back then. It was that bad."

It wasn't a question. He knew. He could beat her at poker, too. The only man who could read her.

"Yes."

"And... how did you get over it?"

Kate bit her lip. "I didn't. You came back."

Rick got up from the couch.

"Don't say that."

Kate got up too.

"It's the truth."

"No. it's not. You can manage without me. You're strong. You're the strongest person I know and you might like having me around but please don't say you need me."

Kate looked at him. "Why shouldn't I need you?"

"You don't! You did all this on your own. You went through so much, you even solved your mother's murder, you did all that, you brought up our son, you... You don't need me."

"Don't you want me to need you?"

"No! I want you to... I don't think you should. That's all," he said, calming his voice.

"Dammit Rick! It's not all. Why don't you want me to need you?"

"Because... because you're not the needy one. You're not the one that gives up."

"If I could have run I would have."

"Why are you lying? To make me feel better?"

"I'm not lying. It's true."

"I don't think it is. And... you shouldn't need me."

"Why?!" Kate was almost shouting now, still not sure what Rick was getting at but totally sure that she disagreed.

"Because... Because I might let you down again!"

Kate walked right up to him, finally understanding. "No you won't. I can rely on you."

"But I... I left you like that."

"So? You told me I could trust you. Were you lying?"

"No! But..."

"But nothing. In fact, it's all nothing. We're fighting about nothing. Why is it bothering you? You know it was hard for me when you weren't here. But you _are _here now. You're back, you're home, you're with us and you're married to me. I married you, Rick. Isn't it obvious that I kind of need you in my life?"

Rick sighed. "I... I don't know what it is. I just feel weird."

Kate sighed too and they flopped back onto the couch. "There's a lot of that going around."

"Must be the married thing."

"Hey – our first married fight!"

"That wasn't a fight."

"Please let it be a fight."

"Why?"

"So we can have our first married make up sex."

Kate laughed. "If I didn't know better I'd say you engineered that whole thing."

Rick made a face and Kate knew he hadn't. "It's a good thing you know better, then," he said, pushing her gently back onto the couch and kissing her.

"Do you really need me?" he whispered. He was teasing her, sort of, but she could tell he really wanted to know.

"Yes. I need you in my life. And right now I also need you somewhere else," she said, "so stop being such a baby and deal with the fact that I intend to rely on you a great deal in our married life, just as you can rely on me."

This earned her a much deeper kiss and she smiled.

"You worry about the strangest things," she murmured.

"Coming from the woman who thinks she might be pregnant, even though she's on the pill?"

Kate gave him a light shove to the ribs and he pinned her down harder; she slid out of her t-shirt and shook out her curly, drip dried hair.

* * *

"Call in sick," Rick said before she'd even turned the alarm off.

"No."

"Do you have a case?"

"Not unless there's a new one. But I have paperwork to do."

"Paperwork can wait."

"Rick, I have to go..."

"You don't have to go _yet. _You can be ten minutes late for paperwork."

"If you're thinking what I think you're thinking, there is no way I'm only going to be ten minutes late."

Rick laughed. "Well, my little minx, I think you're barking up the wrong tree. Not that I wouldn't like to," he said, sneaking his hand under the covers and making her squirm with just one touch, "but I was actually thinking, we could all have breakfast together before you go."

He took his hand away and she jumped out of bed, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing how hungry he had made her – and not for food.

"A family breakfast would be great," she said enthusiastically. "You go wake Johnny and start some food, I'll be out of the bathroom in fifteen."

"Fifteen? What are you going to do? Get ready for another wedding?"

Kate laughed. "I bet I'm out before breakfast is ready."

"I will take that bet," he said, getting out of bed.

"Oh Jeez. What are we betting?"

"If I win we have to do what you thought I was thinking about, before you go to work today."

"How?"

"We'll find a way. What d'you want if you win?"

"An uninterrupted hour long bath this evening, and a night off."

"A night off? Why do you want a night off?"

Kate grinned. "I don't. Go figure."

"That is the _definition _of cutting off your nose to spite your face."

"Maybe. But... watching you suffer will be so fun, it'll make up for it. And only _you _have to have the night off."

"Wait, you mean..."

"I mean nothing. Think what you like."

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading, please review, and... if there are LOADS of reviews, the outcome of the bet, regardless of who wins, will [deep breath] be M rated. Also – who do you think will win?

I just noticed this was chapter 69 but I didn't make it kinky... oh well. Depending on demand, the 'mood' of this number may or may not carry over to the next chapter.


	70. Chapter 70

A/N: To all you fabulous people who write me reviews/talk to me on twitter. And about the twitter thing – I'm zanna_sk on there, feel free to look me up and read my Stana tweets...

Also, I'm really sorry about No Going Back. Usually when I'm upset I go running, but I sprained my ankle so... this is what you get. I still love you and I still love happy endings, I promise! And this chapter... well, I think you'll like it!

Chapter 10

Kate dashed into the bathroom and began to get ready at lightning speed. There was something about a bet, however much of a joke it was, that made her determined to win. She felt a bit like Monica Geller from _Friends_.

"My team doesn't lose," she laughed to herself as she showered as fast as she could. The worst part would be how cocky Rick would be. His gloating could last for weeks. And this was their first bet since they'd gotten married – so she might _never _hear the end of it if he won. She wondered if she should have spoken to Johnny, persuaded him to help her. She laughed more. Now she really was thinking like Rick.

She was ready, dressed, even with partially blow dried hair, in ten minutes. She peeped her head around the door of the bedroom to see what Rick was up to. He was still cooking. With a triumphant grin, she marched into the room. Johnny ran up to her.

"Wait, wait, you're not ready yet. You've forgotten something."

"What have I forgotten?"

"Your... have you brushed your teeth?"

"I'll brush them after breakfast."

"No! That's part of being ready, you have to brush them, and you have to do it for five minutes like I have to with the timer."

Kate laughed. "Johnny, why do you want your father to win the bet?"

Johnny looked at the floor. Kate looked at Rick.

"I might have told him we could go to the soft play today if I won."

Kate grinned at Johnny. "Daddy'll take you to the soft play anyway. I'll make him. And he has to, because _I _won."

Rick flipped her pancakes onto a plate and handed it to her.

"Only just. And only because I let you."

"If you say so," she said happily. In a way she was a little disappointed. She knew Rick was as into competitions as she was – and she would have enjoyed giving him his prize, if it had come to that. Oh well... She was going to have so much fun later. She poured syrup over her pancakes and sat down to eat with her family. It felt very domestic, just the three of them.

"We should do this every day," Johnny said as he carved up the smiley face Rick had made for him.

"Can't have pancakes every day-" Rick began.

"I don't mean pancakes. I mean breakfast."

Rick laughed. "You'd have to get up early."

"I like getting up early."

"And you'd have to persuade your mother to get up early enough too – and usually she wants a run as well. Hey – why didn't you run today?"

Kate smiled. "Because I'm lazy." And because I got enough exercise last night, she added in her head. "And I could be persuaded to get up a bit earlier. It doesn't take that long."

Johnny smiled at her. "Good. I miss you when you're at work."

"I miss you too."

"Maybe you should quit," he suggested.

Kate sighed. "Sometimes I want to. But I'm doing something important – I bring justice to people. I think I have to do it. And you'll be in school soon anyway – so it won't matter that I'm at work."

Kate couldn't tell if Johnny agreed with her or not but he didn't say anything else. She wished there was a way around working. Rick seemed to know what she was thinking.

"We'll get there," he said. "We'll work out ways for it to be better."

Kate nodded. She was dreading asking Gates to let her do some work from home but she still hoped that she would be allowed. Even just every once in a while, just during the school holidays... At least she would have something to think about at work. She was already planning... Rick had lost this bet and she wasn't going to let her sadness about missing out on some things mean that she missed out on everything. Rick planned to take Johnny to the library. He'd been ecstatic to find out that Kate had already gotten Johnny a library card before he was around.

"I think you wanted him to be like me," he had muttered on their first visit as a family. Kate had just laughed. Maybe she had.

Her day at work wasn't as bad as it could have been. A body had dropped and she began to investigate with the boys. She missed Castle, of course. Her team was great, they were good to work with and the atmosphere was fine – but something about Castle made it more than fine. Castle made it fun.

He texted her though, as much as he could. He called during her lunch break and put Johnny on the phone. They'd been to the library and were going to the park to get ice cream, and then the soft play.

"Are you sure?" Kate asked when Rick was back on the phone. "A sugar rush and that place? He'll be high as a kite."

"He'll be fine, he's a good kid."

"Yes, he's wonderful, but sugar and adrenaline and hordes of screaming preschoolers affect even the best of us."

"I'll keep him calm."

"You'd better. You're putting him to bed tonight, even if he's in a bad mood."

"You worry too much. He won't be in a bad mood. But... I'll push for frozen yoghurt."

"Good luck," Kate said with a smile. "And, hey, miss you."

"Miss you too babe."

"Babe?"

"Still not working?"

"Better luck next time."

"I'm sure I can find a situation where you'll take it."

"If you do I'll let you know."

He chuckled. Kate could hear Johnny telling him to get off the phone. "I have to go," he said. "I love you."

"I love you too," she replied, ending the call and turning to give Espo a look. He and Ryan had been making vomit gestures behind her. She raised an eyebrow.

"Shut up, honey milk," she said to Ryan. "And you," she added, turning to Espo, "Lanie's showed me some of your texts to her so you can quit as well."

They looked at each other awkwardly then grinned back at her.

* * *

Kate got home to an empty apartment. There was a message from Alexis on the answering machine saying she would be staying at a friend's, and Martha had scribbled down something about going to a dinner party and probably not being back until morning. Rick and Johnny must have still been at the soft play. Kate checked the time. They couldn't be that much longer. It was five thirty already. She should start dinner... she checked the refrigerator but it was disappointingly empty. She couldn't complain – she hated grocery shopping. She pulled out a take out menu. They could order in. She'd make sure they ordered sides of something healthy.

She was hungry now. She opened a packet of plain crackers and took out the Nutella. It was a European thing that Rick insisted on ordering. She'd laughed at him until she tried it. Several crackers later, she realised she would have to stop eating if she didn't want to demolish the whole packet. She put them away and had one last fingerful of Nutella before replacing the jar in the cupboard.

Perfect timing. She heard the elevator ping and began to hear Johnny's chatter as he and Rick approached the front door. She sucked on her finger and switched to 'bet' mode. She could keep it up until midnight. Except... there was something about Nutella. Well, obviously, after they'd used it for _that _it was inevitable Nutella would arouse certain feelings in her... maybe it had been a mistake. But maybe not. Whatever she felt, Rick would feel too, and her resistance was stronger than his.

"Hey," she said to Johnny as he rushed inside. "How was the softplay?"

"Great!" he said, not even stopping on his way to his room to get some toy or another. Kate caught Rick's eye. "Was it okay?"

"Fine. How was work? Oh, wait, you have something-" he walked up to her and wiped a tiny bit of Nutella away from the corner of her mouth. He licked his finger.

"Nutella? You've been eating Nutella?"

Kate grinned at him, still savouring the chocolate-hazelnut taste in her mouth. "Yep," she said, very satisfied that the Nutella was indeed working on him just as she'd thought it would. She hadn't even needed to get it out again and have another taste in front of him. She enjoyed the look on his face for moment longer before answering his question.

"Work was fine. The day went surprisingly quickly – I guess because I had something to think about."

"Oh yes?"

"You know what," she said, raising an eyebrow.

"Hey. I lost the bet. Don't be mean."

Kate winked. "That was the whole reason for that being my prize. Anyway, you'll enjoy it. Just think of it as extended foreplay."

Rick kissed her – the taste really was so good. "I'm thinking you aren't that determined," he said to her. "I can wear you down."

Kate laughed. "Just as long as we don't have another bet!"

"I don't think you can bet on something that's already part of a bet," he said. "Want me to do dinner?"

"No, I got it," she said, waving the menu. Rick laughed.

"I'm going to have to teach you how to enjoy food shopping."

Kate smiled. "I don't mind when we do it together."

Rick raised his eyebrows. "I know you don't. I think the other shoppers do, though."

"When are we going back to the Hamptons?"

"You know when we're going back. In three weeks."

Kate sighed. "I know. I just... I want it to sound sooner."

"It is soon. And then we get two whole weeks there, just the three of us."

"I know... And Lex is sure about not coming?"

"I talked to her. She has things to do here – all her friends are around, none of them have enough money for a holiday. I'm thinking of offering her the Hamptons house the week after we go – she can go up there with her friends."

Kate chuckled. "I'm sure she'd love that. But I might pack away some of the nicer ornaments."

Rick laughed and was about to say something when Johnny came tearing back in with what he had been looking for – the remote control helicopter.

"Now?" Kate asked.

"Do the voice Daddy!" Johnny commanded as he set the helicopter up for take off. Kate picked up the phone and ordered their Italian dinner. Rick began a stream of pilot jargon as Johnny began to fly the chopper around the room. He took it dangerously close to several obstacles and did manage to smash it into a wall. Kate was glad they had bought the stronger version. After a few minutes he gave up on flying and began running around yelling... something. He had his arms out – maybe he was flying.

"What's he doing?" Kate mouthed at Rick. Rick shrugged and watched their son with a smile. It was cute, in a crazy, noisy way. Kate smiled too. It would be easy to be annoyed but she liked their family. The buzzer went and she let the delivery guy in, tipped him, and put the food on plates. Rick tried to calm Johnny down enough so he would sit at the table.

"Is it really Italian food if it was made in New York?" he asked as he twirled his fork around in his pasta.

"Italian recipe," Rick said. "Does it taste Italian?"

"I don't know. I've never been to Italy," Johnny said. Kate took a bite of her own meal.

"I've been to Italy. A lot of the time they just eat the same things as we do."

"That's boring," Johnny said a little too loudly. Kate laughed.

"Some of it was different. And there was _amazing _coffee."

"I don't like coffee. And I'm not hungry."

"You sure? You were running around like anything all day. You don't want to get hungry later," Rick told him.

"No, I'm not hungry!" Johnny shouted.

"Cool it, Johnny. No need to shout."

"I want to shout!" he yelled. Kate groaned inwardly. It was the damn softplay. Every time.

"Johnny," she said calmly, "your father told you not to shout. I'm telling you again. You'll have to leave the table if you don't calm down."

"I want to leave the table," Johnny shouted. Rick tried to give Kate an encouraging look as she got up from her seat.

"Come on," she told him. "You're going to sit on the step."

Johnny stared at her. He was almost never in trouble, Kate often wondered why she even bothered with the 'naughty step', and she hated making him sit there, but she reminded herself that being firm with him was the reason he wasn't a brat. She gave him the modified, child friendly version of her look and he went and sat on the bottom step of the stairs. She checked the time and went to sit at the table. He only had to sit there for four minutes but she felt punished too. When his time was up and she could go and get him and let him back to the table she was probably more sorry than he was, but he apologised and hugged her, and sat down to quietly eat some more of his meal.

He was a little crazy when they tried to put him to bed but Rick read him a story while Kate did some cleaning and he was asleep before eight-thirty, which wasn't bad, considering.

"Right then," Rick said when he came back into the kitchen. Kate waved at him. She was wearing yellow rubber gloves and had already unbuttoned her blouse so the top of her bra was showing. He laughed.

"That would work, if I was into it. What do you want to do, since we can't..."

Kate pulled off the gloves. "I think I'm going to have a bath. Would you go up and start it for me?" she asked. She was proud of how well she had taught him – he was now an expert at putting in just the right amounts of the right things, and sometimes he bought her something new. He went upstairs like a good little boy. She followed him silently, not letting him know she was behind him. She took off her clothes still without him noticing and when she stepped in front of him he couldn't hold in a little gasp.

"I couldn't wait," she said apologetically. She tested the water with her toe. He winked at her, pretending he was above it.

"Perfect," she told him.

"You want anything else?" he asked. "Glass of wine?"

Kate grinned wickedly. "Yes please. And could you get me the Nutella? And a spoon?"

Rick shuddered and left the room. Kate got into the bath and lay back. Rick had put in bubbles but she didn't let them cover her.

It was definitely the Nutella.

He returned, looking carefully at her face _only_. She put the wine on the shelf beside the bath but kept hold of the Nutella, which he had kindly opened for her. She took a spoonful and watched him watch her pop the spoon in her mouth and suck. He shuddered again.

"I'll be-" he pointed to the door, "downstairs."

She nodded. She was still holding the spoon in her mouth; she took it out.

"Wait, Rick?"

"Yeah?" he said, turning back to her.

"Want some?" she asked, refilling the spoon. He knew what she was doing. He was determined to win. He knelt down at the side of the bath and let her feed him the Nutella. He swallowed and got up again.

"Tastes so much better from your mouth. Or your breasts," he said as he left the room. She could have kicked herself. How was _he _doing better than her? This was her prize. Then again...

An hour later she came downstairs feeling very satisfied. She put the Nutella jar back in the cupboard and her empty glass in the sink. She went to sit next to Rick on the couch and leaned her head on his shoulder.

"Nice bath?"

"Very nice," she said quietly, snuggling into him.

"Waaait," he said, looking up properly from his book. "You didn't.. When I'm right here?"

"I did win the bet."

"And now you want to snuggle?" he asked. Kate shrugged.

"I was _thinking _about you, if that helps."

"No, it doesn't," he said crossly. "Anyway... surely it's better with me?"

"Maybe. But... it's enough without. And like I said, I was thinking about you. You've taught me a lot-"

"Oh shut up."

Kate laughed and snuggled even closer. "I love you."

Rick groaned. "You're evil."

"I was thinking about Nutella too," she whispered in his ear. He shuddered.

"When does tonight end?" he asked. "Midnight or morning?"

Kate looked at him. "I don't know. I'd say morning but... you look a little desperate."

He hardened his expression. "I'm not desperate. I can wait until morning. I'm going to bed," he said. Kate laughed as he got up from the couch.

"Honey?" she asked as he was about to leave.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

She laughed. "Could you fetch me a glass of water before you go to bed?"

"Sure," he said. Kate lay back on the couch, letting her robe fall open until there really wasn't much point to it any more. When Rick turned from the kitchen and saw her he stopped completely still. Then he walked towards her with a forced smile on his face. He held the water out to her but at the last moment decided he'd had enough; he tipped it over her instead.

She screamed in horror as he burst out laughing. She sat up and glared daggers at him but he was still doubled over with laughter.

"Shush, you'll wake Johnny," he said as tears poured down his cheeks. Kate shook some water off herself exasperatedly. He was so... She looked at him and a giggle bubbled up out of her mouth. Once she had begun to see the funny side she couldn't stop laughing either. She ran to the kitchen to get another glass of water and sipped it. Rick had calmed down enough to follow her. He came closer and she smiled, then tipped the water over his head.

"You needed it more than me," she muttered, kissing him as he fisted her wet hair.

"Are you done now?" he asked her.

"I think so," she said, struggling to get words out as he kissed her neck.

"Good. Because, wife, I am taking you to bed now. And I'm bringing the Nutella."

* * *

A/N: I hope you liked it. I can't even eat Nutella though! And Jo, if you read this... it is all. your. fault. Please review guys, or I won't be inspired to write you fun stuff! Love you xxx


	71. Chapter 71

Chapter 11

Kate groaned as she got out of bed. What with the Nutella and the showering and then the second round of showering, she'd barely had time for any sleep, but she was still determined to go for her morning run. Rick offered to go with her but there was no one to mind Johnny so she set off alone, yawning as she stretched in the hallway. She reminded herself that she liked running. The morning was warm already, it was going to be a hot day. So hot... She was looking forward to summer with Rick. She'd never had a summer with him while not pregnant.

She thought about that as she ran. It was too soon, surely... but they were married now. She was on the pill to make things simpler, but... she wasn't getting any younger, and she was beginning to feel maternal again. She forced herself to think about it sensibly. It would completely ruin the work routine she was desperately trying to get back into. And the loft wasn't big enough; they'd have to move. She hated house hunting almost as much as she hated food shopping. And... would Martha and Alexis continue to live at the loft? And what about Johnny? What would he think about another baby?

Her mind whirred around in circles as she completed the circuit; her brain was still on babies when she arrived back at the loft. Speaking of which... she picked up the pill packet. One left. She popped it in her mouth and swallowed. Rick smiled at her until he noticed her expression.

"You look worried. You okay?"

She nodded. "I was just... thinking. I have to shower or I'll be late for work."

She thought he would leave it but he didn't; he followed her into the bathroom. She looked at him in the mirror.

"Rick, this is a getting clean shower."

He turned her around.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing..."

"You've been thinking about something. Spit it out, you'll feel better."

Kate sighed. He was right. "I've been thinking... about wanting another baby."

Rick smiled. "But that's not a bad thing. It would be great."

"It would be complicated... we'd have to move, I'd have to miss work again..."

"Not for another six months."

"Castle, ideally we would move _before _the child is born."

"I know, I meant with work," he said, pulling her into a hug. "Anyway... let's keep talking about it. And if you want to... I'd love to have another baby with you."

Kate smiled. "Really."

"Really. Want to try now?"

Kate raised her eyebrows. "You _just _saw me take my pill."

"Yep. The last pill. So you're extra... ready, for the next few days."

"But there can't be any babies."

"Practice makes perfect," he said, leaning down to kiss her neck. Kate decided they could do without her at work for a little while. Rick moved away to turn on the shower. Kate had been so preoccupied it had taken her this long to notice that he wasn't wearing anything. She took off her crop top, kicked off her sneakers and shimmied out of her jogging pants.

"You know," Rick said as she joined him in the shower, "you don't really need to go jogging."

"No? How else would I stay fit?" she asked, reaching for her cherry scented shower gel.

"Well," he answered, taking the bottle from her, "I can think of one form of exercise that's not only enjoyable, but you're already exceptionally good at."

* * *

"Good afternoon, detective," Gates said sternly as Kate stepped out of the elevator.

"Sorry, Sir, I... slept in?" she said, bracing herself for a telling off. But Gates just smiled.

"I don't believe you. Go on, get to work!"

Kate hurried over to the bull pen feeling slightly stunned.

"What just happened?" she asked Ryan.

"I've no idea. Maybe she was wowed by your practically _glowing _complexion this morning."

"Yeah. I like your scarf," Espo added. Kate instinctively put her hand up to the little silky thing she'd had to wrap around her neck as she left the apartment. Rick was officially in the dog house. He didn't seem to mind much.

They had a case and she worked hard on it but all she could think about was babies. She wanted to see Johnny and she couldn't wait for the next new thing he said or did, but... she wanted another one. She wouldn't love Johnny any less, she knew Rick wouldn't either but she missed it... and she couldn't wait to do it right. To do it with Rick there, helping with the diaper changing and the crying and the night time feeding... He would be _there _to see their child's first words, first steps, first smile... They would argue about what to call it, they would decorate the room together, they would be a _proper _couple, proper parents with...

She pulled out her phone.

"Kate?" He answered on the first ring.

"Castle. I want your name."

"What?"

"You heard, I want your name. I'll make an appointment at city hall, we can go and change it-"

"Wait, slow down, Beckett, Kate, are you... are you sure?"

Kate bit her lip and looked at the photograph of the three of them on her desk.

"I'm sure. I'll still be Beckett for work but... I'm your wife. I want to be your wife."

There was a pause. "Call me and tell me when to meet you," he said eventually. Kate put the phone down and got the number. After a bit of haggling and some name dropping, she got an appointment for five fifteen and called Rick to tell him when it was. He seemed happy. Really happy. She didn't know why she had decided so suddenly... except that she couldn't remember any reason not to have his name. She loved that they were a family, she loved that they were married and together and... she wanted her name to say so. She could be an independent woman as well as being a wife and mother. Her mother had. She was just...

It was the damn foot. The damn foot that always wanted to be out of the door, even when she was in, so in. But it was time to slam that door shut. They had made so many mistakes surrounding Johnny's birth, and he was a wonderful, perfect child, but they had put themselves through hell when they hadn't needed to. She wasn't going to take any chances; they were not going to make the same mistakes again.

The day flew by after that, largely because she was terrified. This meant something. It was a legal thing, but it was... It would mean something to Rick. She wanted it to.

She met him outside city hall; Johnny was on his shoulders.

"So..." he began. "Are you sure about this?"

"Positive. I'm going to fix the mistake I made when I married you."

"Now that is not something a man usually likes to hear," Rick chuckled. He took a hand down from holding Johnny's foot and used it to take hers.

An hour later and it was over. In a way it was more romantic than the wedding. Johnny asked a lot of questions and wanted to look at everything, but the way Rick was looking at her, and the way she was looking at him, and the way they both looked at their son... they were a family now. Kate didn't have anything against families who didn't do things the traditional way, she didn't particularly want to be old fashioned or boring... but this just felt right. When it was done she laughed.

"I am going to have to make a lot of phone calls," she said as they got into her car.

"I love you," Rick said in an almost matter of fact way.

"I love you too," she replied automatically, but it still meant something. Every time she said it a tingle went down her spine and she thought about everything they'd been through together, all the time waiting for him, longing for him, and then finally getting to be with him..

"Mrs Castle..." she whispered.

"How does it feel?"

"Really weird," she said honestly. "But in a good way. I just.. I was thinking about-" she looked at Johnny in the rearview mirror, "-about what we were talking about this morning, and I just... wanted to be connected, and I couldn't remember any reason why I shouldn't have your name."

"I think it's good," Johnny piped up. "You're properly married now."

Rick laughed. "We were already properly married. It's just a name."

Although this had been Kate's argument from the outset, now she felt more inclined to agree with her son. Marriage had felt amazing, being with Rick, promising herself to him... It was all just as important, but the name... It meant more than she'd thought it would.

* * *

It wasn't until they were tucked up in bed together that they really got to talk about it. Kate was still at the 'lingerie or nothing' in bed stage of after their wedding. It was warm enough that she wasn't really cold in her matching lilac lace bra and panties, but she was glad when Rick pulled the sheet over them and put his arm around her. She smiled.

"Did you have a good day?" she asked him.

"Perfect," he replied. "I had a wonderful surprise. Which... maybe you'll explain?"

Kate chuckled. "I'm glad you're happy about it. And I... I have explained, pretty much. I guess... I was thinking about babies, and how great it would be to have a baby with you now that we're a proper family, now that we're married and we live together and we'll be together through it all. And I just thought... keeping my name was like I was hanging on to one last thread of who I was without you, of anger or resentment or even just sadness from when I was a teenager. And I didn't want to do that. I think... it didn't work out the first time because we went too quickly and neither of us were ready to be committed. I don't think either of us really knew how, and we were both too strong and independent. But now... I know I can be independent but still be with you. And the thing is, I'm so much _better _now I'm with you. Holding on to my old self is just... silly, because I'm everything I used to be, but more, and better, now we're together. So I... I just decided it would be right. And I knew that you wanted it from the beginning and you were totally right. I'm glad you didn't push me... But I'm sorry I took so long to get there on my own."

Rick kissed the top of her head.

"Don't be sorry," he said quietly. "I like your way of getting there. And now I'm sure. Let's have another baby."

"Pity we can't make one tonight," Kate teased after a while.

"As I said this morning," Rick said, throwing the sheet away and rearranging so he could kiss her, "practice makes perfect."

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading, as always, please review!


	72. Chapter 72

Chapter 12

Kate was very proud of managing to do her run again. She arrived back at the loft on Wednesday morning to find Rick and Johnny in the kitchen.

"Hey Mommy," Johnny said cheerfully. "We're making breakfast."

Kate grinned, still breathing a little heavily. "Good. Pancakes again?"

Rick winked at her. "Pancakes are the _best _breakfast," he informed her. Kate laughed.

"Well in that case..." she said, catching Johnny's eye. She went through to the bedroom and then the bathroom, a smile still fixed on her face. It might have been the song she'd had on her iPod. It didn't even match anything she was doing with Rick. It was _Don't Rush _by Kelly Clarkson. It wasn't a running song, and she and Rick weren't on there own, they had far too many responsibilities to behave as though every day was Sunday. And even not rushing... Well okay, they had done that. But it was a bit late now. And she wanted another baby. But that wouldn't really be rushing either.

She even loved the clichéd musical theatre key change. It was just the sort of song you could walk through a park to, swinging on trees and lamp posts and staring into the eyes of your sweetheart. She got into the shower still humming the song.

Savouring every minute.. Now that was something she _could _do. She got dressed quickly, now feeling excited even to go into the kitchen because they would be there. Rick would be there and he would kiss her... Johnny would be there with his cute little smile...

Rick caught her from behind; she was still buttoning up her shirt. She giggled with surprise. He spun her around and planted an enthusiastic kiss on her mouth that sent delightful shivers down her spine. His hands didn't help matters and she had to wriggle away so she could keep her shirt on.

"Breakfast's ready," Rick told her, smiling at her flushed face, but otherwise behaving as though the kiss had never happened. She finished getting dressed and followed him into the kitchen where he handed her a mug of coffee and Johnny put a plate of pancakes in front of her.

"Wow," she said, sipping her drink. "I could get used to this!"

Rick grazed a finger across the back of her neck – she'd worn her hair up – on his way to his seat.

"You should," he told her. Johnny sat down with his own breakfast.

"I like seeing you in the morning. How was your run?"

"Hot," Kate answered. "I think it's going to be even hotter today than yesterday. What do you boys have planned for today?"

Rick smiled. "We're going to go to the Met. And _then _we're going to come and bother you at work. And then... if you want, we'll kidnap you and take you swimming with us."

Kate smiled. "I'd like that." She checked her watch and sighed. "I'm going to have to go. Thank you both very much for breakfast."

"Always," Johnny said. Kate had to hug him for that.

"You have a great day, CB. You too, Castle."

"And you too, Castle," he said to her. She gasped and then shook her head laughing.

"Too weird?" he asked her.

"No... I mean, it is weird... but good weird."

"If you're both Castle, am I not CB any more?"

Rick answered that one. "You're always CB – your name is Castle Beckett."

Kate laughed. "I don't know. I like Johnny Castle."

Rick pulled her into a dance hold and they did a few steps.

"Why are you dancing?" Johnny asked.

"Because of a movie you will see when you're a bit older. There's a character called Johnny Castle – he's a dancer," Kate said.

"He's also sexually insatiable," Rick muttered in her ear. She elbowed him in the ribs.

"Do you like still being CB?" she asked her son.

"Yes," Johnny said.

"Then that's who you'll be. I really have to go to work," she said, going to brush her teeth. She came back in and gave Johnny a kiss goodbye but when she moved to kiss Rick he frowned.

"I haven't brushed my teeth. I'll taste bad," he said. She laughed. He was actually worried. She pulled him to her.

"I don't care," she whispered as she kissed him passionately.

* * *

Ryan and Esposito seemed to understand her explanation well enough. Lanie would be the most interesting, she could tell. Lanie had never forced her to do anything, and she had said that she supported Kate in keeping her name, but Kate was as good at reading looks as she was at giving them, and she had a feeling she was in for a bit of 'I told you so' from her best friend.

She didn't mind. She was almost looking forward to it; she was smiling as she made her almost unnecessary trip to the morgue. The cold was refreshing, too. It was pushing over 90 degrees and Kate could feel herself sweating through her blouse under her arms. After a quick discussion about the vic, a wealthy businessman who had already been dying of cancer, Lanie raised her eyebrows and waited for Kate to spill.

Kate took a deep breath.

"So... yesterday, Rick and I were talking about.. maybe having another baby-"

"Well that's great, honey! What did he say?"

"He said that he'd love that but that's not what I wanted to tell you. I... I was thinking about it all day yesterday and I thought how great it would be to have a baby now that we're a proper family..." She set off on the explanation she had given Rick and everyone else. Lanie waited until Kate was done until she smiled widely.

"Well, Mrs Castle, all I can say is you took your sweet time reaching that conclusion."

Kate grinned at her name. _Her _name. And it didn't feel uncomfortable... it felt right.

"I know. But... I think it's good I got there on my own. I can be a bit defensive-"

"A bit?"

"-when people try to force me into things I don't think I'm ready for. But I am ready. I... I love being married, Lanie! It's so great."

Lanie laughed. "You tell that to Javi."

Kate laughed with her. "But seriously. I just feel so connected to him." Her eyes lit up as she began to talk about Rick, and her smile spread across her face. "It was wonderful before but... honestly, I thought it would make me feel more mature, less like a teenager in love for the first time. But I actually feel less mature! Every second I'm with him, everything he says... I even had a stupid crying episode on a stupid day but it wasn't because of him, it was because I wanted to be with him more and I didn't want to go to work. And the sex," she added. "I mean, I thought that might calm down too but... it's like there's another side to him I've never even seen before, and another side to me I didn't know _anyone _could have, let alone I could have! And at the same time we're parents and we want to have another child, so we are grown up, but we're also just two kids who can't ever get enough of each other..."

She had been gesturing madly throughout this whole speech and Lanie couldn't stop smiling at this infectious mood.

"Maybe you should call in sick tomorrow and send Johnny off somewhere with Castle's mother?" Lanie suggested, and she was only half joking.

"I don't really want to. Any time I can be with Johnny I want to be. I miss him, I can't wait for our holiday. And anyway, he sleeps eleven or twelve hour nights," she said with a wink. Lanie laughed again.

"I'm so happy for you," she said. "And... well done, about the name. I know your feet have a problem with both going through a door. So... I understand that this is a big deal."

Kate nodded. "But it's... I mean, I don't have any negative feelings about it at all. I thought I would feel weaker if I gave myself up to someone but I feel stronger. I feel as though I can do anything."

Lanie gave her friend a hug. "I hope you feel that way forever."

Kate kissed her on the cheek. "You'll feel it too, you know."

"I know. But Javi and I are taking things nice and slowly. He'll be telling you not to give me any ideas."

Kate felt much better for having talked to her friend. She walked back out into the blistering sunshine and hurried to her car to get the air conditioning on. She had it on full blast and when she got back to the precinct she stayed in the car for several minutes just enjoying being cold. Her phone rang just as she stepped out of the car.

"Hey Castle," she said.

"Hey, Castle," he replied. She laughed. She wondered when this would get old.

"So what's up?"

"Can you get the afternoon off? I mean, it's okay if you can't, but Lindsay's Mom called and they invited him to go swimming with them instead and they're going to keep him until after dinner. And I'm happy to come into work but... it would be more fun to hang out somewhere else."

"Is the precinct not good enough for you, Castle?" Kate teased. She heard Rick chuckle.

"It's a little public for what I had in mind. And," he switched his tone to utterly miserable, "you're not going to feel like it soon."

Kate laughed. "We'd still have all night. And me not feeling like it doesn't affect you, as you well know."

"Yes, but I always feel guilty when I can't reciprocate."

"I don't mind."

"So you say."

"Sometimes you reciprocate. When I want you to you always do."

"Because I am a good husband. Now, you. Are you going to skive or not?"

Kate sighed. "I'll ask. Once."

"Please tell me you'll tell her why."

"Right. Yes, Captain, I would like to have the afternoon off because my son is at his friends, so I want go and have crazy sex with my husband before my period starts."

She could hear Rick trying not to laugh. "I think she would totally go for that. She's a romantic at heart."

"I'll call you to tell you who's going where," she said, then ended the call. He was such an idiot. He made her want to be an idiot too. She set off for Gates' office.

"Come in, detective," Gates said. "What can I do for you?"

She couldn't believe she was asking this. "I... Sir, I was wondering if I could take the afternoon. I have some paperwork I'll take home to do."

"And why can't you do it here?"

"I... I could," she answered lamely. Gates raised her eyebrows.

"Tell Mr Castle he can come and watch you do paperwork in the bull pen to his heart's content, but you are not leaving until 5 o'clock. Where's Johnny?"

"At a friend's."

"Then Mr Castle is free to come in. Tell me... did you really think I would let you go?"

Kate grinned. "No. But there was no harm in asking."

Gates smiled. "Perhaps not. And... I hear more congratulations are in order, Mrs Castle."

Kate bit her lip. "Yeah, I... we decided-"

"It suits you. Now call him. Maybe he can help you break the case – who would want to kill a man who only had a month to live anyway?"

Kate sighed. The case really was strange. She left the office and called Castle.

"You're coming here," she told him.

"I thought I might be. I'll see you in ten."

"Ten? Castle, it takes fifteen minutes when the roads are clear and you drive at the limit!"

"Okay, fifteen. I'm sorry, I'm excited to see you. _Castle._"

Kate hung up on him and went to stare at the murder board. The paper work was just an excuse – she should be working the case, but it was tough. The guy hadn't had any money or life insurance. He had a devastated wife and two devastated children... There didn't seem to be anyone who would want to kill him.

Castle arrived in the sixteenth minute; he didn't even wait for her to stand up before kissing her. Her rolling chair scooted back and he almost fell on top of her. She giggled and pushed him away; her colleagues had started to applaud.

"Hello," he said, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. "You have a good morning?"

"Lovely," she told him. "Actually it was. I saw Lanie."

"Was she pleased?"

"Very. How was the Met?"

"Great, although Johnny was a bit loud. And I think his artwork is better than some of the stuff in there."

Kate chuckled. "I'm glad Lindsay's parents called. I like her."

"Me too. She seemed happy to see him when they came to pick him up. So.. tell me about the case."

Kate began to explain everything they knew and before long Rick was spinning his wild theories and thinking of some new things. By the time 5pm arrived they had picked up a witness – the boyfriend of the man's daughter – and were close to solving the case. The boyfriend revealed that the father had been abusive, but had been going to confess to his crimes. Castle thought his wife must have been involved in the abuse, and she had killed her husband before he could talk. They just needed a confession from the wife – but they would get it in the morning.

They stepped into the elevator hand in hand.

"You still want to go swimming?" Rick asked.

"Where can we go that won't be busy?"

"I know a place," Rick said with a grin as his hand left hers and roamed towards her ass. Kate matched his movement with her own hand, pinching his buttock as they both maintained straight faces for when the elevator doors opened. Their hands slid off each other as they walked out of the building; Kate could feel Rick's eyes on her as they walked to his car.

He'd brought the Ferrari.

"I'm driving," he told her. "You can have a lift to work tomorrow too."

She complied, getting into the passenger seat. He got in on his side and started the engine, resting his hand on her thigh as the air conditioning began to blast cold air into their faces.

"So," he said seductively. "Let's go swimming."

* * *

A/N: REVIEEEW! Thanks, love you xxx


	73. Chapter 73

Chapter 13

Rick pulled into the crowded car park of Waterworld. Kate looked at him.

"Couldn't we go somewhere less busy?"

Rick winked. "I thought you'd want to show off your new swimsuit."

"I don't have a- You brought the old one, though?"

Rick's face was the picture of innocence. "I couldn't find it."

Kate pulled the bag out of the back seat and gasped at the tiny red bikini Rick had bought for her.

"You can't be serious," she told him. "And... you've only brought one towel."

"Couldn't find your towel either," he said apologetically. Kate punched him on the shoulder.

"What if Lindsay's family are here with Johnny?"

"They'll be home by now. And anyway, they weren't going here."

Kate got out of the car and instantly wanted to get back into her air conditioned seat. Rick got out too and locked the car. He tugged at his shirt. Kate made a face at him, but he knew she was secretly excited.

He paid at the desk.

"Do you know that they have hot tubs here?" he asked her.

"I did," Kate said. "Never been to them though. I've only ever been here with Johnny."

Rick winked. "You've been missing out."

"When have _you _been in the hot tubs here?"

"I haven't. But just in general... hot tubs are an important part of life."

They got to the split in the dry changing rooms. Kate took her bikini out of the bag, narrowing her eyes at Rick.

"I'll meet you back here so we can share a locker," she told him.

"Can't wait," he told her. Kate sighed. He was such a child. But she still wanted to try on the bikini. She changed quickly in the cubicle, wishing she had a mirror, but knowing it wasn't really necessary. She knew how she looked.

The bikini was tiny. It had strings to tie at her hips; she made sure the knots were very tight, but there was still very little of it. The top was comprised of two triangles of fabric on another string; it tied at the back of her neck too. She put it on and looked down at herself. She touched the scar on her chest... it didn't usually show so much. But she didn't care. Rick's would be showing too. And she didn't care what anyone else thought of her anyway. She folded up her clothes, picked up her shoes and went back to meet Rick. He was waiting for her; when he saw her he stood up_ a lot _straighter.

"Even better than I imagined," he told her, taking her clothes to put them in the bag. She looked him up and down. His body made her shiver; his round ass still showed under his baggy swim shorts and his tan, muscular torso made her want to reach out and-

"Slow down, honey," he told her with a grin. She was so preoccupied she even let 'honey' slide. There was something about feeling sexy herself which made her extra aware of how sexy he was. He took her hand and walked her through the guys changing room; she kept her eyes on him. They reached the lockers and he locked away their bag, then was about to put the anklet with the key on himself when Kate took it from him.

"Allow me," she said, crouching down and trailing her fingers down his leg before fastening it on him. He shuddered.

The poolside showers were heavenly; they had still been hot and sweaty from outside. Kate raked a hand through her hair and Rick tilted his head back under the spray of water, closing his eyes as it poured over his face.

Kate took his hand and pulled him towards the pool. It was full of people. Shouting kids, stressed parents, groups of friends, couples like themselves... Kate wished she could dive in but there wasn't room. When she thought about it, that was probably a good thing. She wasn't sure what would have happened to the bikini. She sat down at the edge of the pool. Rick just stepped over the side, sending water splashing over her. She screamed playfully and slipped into the water.

"Race you," he said to her. Kate couldn't even see the other end of the pool, there were so many people.

"Now?" she asked.

"Obstacles make it more fun," he told her. She laughed.

"Fine. I'm more agile than you anyway."

He raised his eyebrows. "You're going to have to prove that later. But for now – go when the clock gets to 12 again?"

Kate nodded, preparing to race him. The needle got round and she pushed off, weaving her way through the mess of activity while she tried to keep an eye on Rick as well. He had been luckier than her; some kids moved out of his way and into hers so he reached the other side first – but only by a second. He grinned.

"So. I win."

"Rematch," she said shortly. He chuckled.

"I say we raise the stakes."

Kate groaned theatrically. "We gamble so much."

"You love it."

She had to admit she did enjoy a competition. "What do you suggest?" she asked.

He leaned in so he didn't have to shout and spoke into her ear.

"If I win, you have sex with me before we leave here."

Kate's mouth dropped open but she recovered herself quickly.

"Okay. If _I _win..." she let it hang, as though for effect, but in truth, she couldn't think of anything better than his suggestion.

"Yes?" he asked her. She smiled.

"If I win, _you _have sex with _me _before we leave."

He laughed loudly.

"I should buy you bikinis more often," he exclaimed. She winked.

"Maybe you should. So... on the minute again?"

"Right."

They pushed off together, enjoying the charade of the bet. Kate was still trying to win. Maybe it was for honour now. She laughed to herself. Yeah, she was so honourable. She had an idea; she caught a beach ball and threw it in Rick's path; immediately, about 20 kids charged for it and she could dodge past them and shoot out in front. She won the race and grinned triumphantly at him.

"You cheated," he said, pretending to look wounded.

"I didn't break any of the rules."

"You still cheated."

Kate sighed. "Well... dammit, then. I lost the bet."

Rick chuckled. "What a shame."

"I know right?" she said to him.

"Want to go investigate the hot tubs?"

The building was very well air conditioned and the water of the pool was fairly cool, so despite the temperature outside, Kate now found the idea of sitting in hot water very appealing. Rick helped her out of the pool from behind.

"Always the attentive husband," she said to him as he vaulted out himself. He took her hand.

"Shall we, Mrs Castle?" he said, leading her past the adults only sign and into another room. There were several tubs; none were empty but they found one with just one other couple in. They got into the water and leaned back; Kate sighed with pleasure as the bubbles massaged her body. Rick's hand joined in, stroking up and down her thigh. She blushed as the lifeguard looked hard at them and pushed Rick's hand away.

He replaced it almost immediately, this time sneaking it around behind her to play with the string fastening the far side of her bikini. She scooted back suddenly, trapping his arm.

"Stop it," she muttered.

"But I won the bet," he complained. She glared at him. Suddenly he grinned.

"Can I have my hand back?" he asked. "I have an idea."

She sighed and moved so he could get out of the hot tub. He went to say something to the lifeguard, who, after some persuasion, picked up the 'closed' sign from under her chair and stood up.

"I'm very sorry," she said loudly. "But this area of Waterworld has to be closed for maintenance. If you would all please head to a different part of the pool."

After a bit of complaining, everyone else moved to leave. Rick and Kate got out of their tub too; the lifeguard handed Rick a key and then left the room. Rick locked the door and tugged Kate back into their tub.

"Better?" he asked her. She laughed.

"I feel sorry for everyone you had chucked out. What did you say to the lifeguard?"

"I offered her $1000. She said no to $100 – good kid."

Kate leaned on his shoulder as his hands explored her body freely.

"I'm just so comfy," she said peacefully. He kissed her softly.

"Prepare to get even comfier," he murmured.

* * *

They got back to the loft about half an hour before Johnny was due back; they had picked up some pizza on the way. Rick flopped down onto the couch.

"I'm so tired," he said.

"That's your fault for only bringing one towel," Kate told him, her eyes twinkling. Rick yawned widely as she handed him the pizza box and sat beside him. He put his arm around her; it was hot and heavy on her shoulders despite the fan on the ceiling. She put a chilled beer in his hand and swigged from her own bottle, her eyelids drooping as she leaned against him.

"Here's to kid number two," Rick said, clinking his bottle with hers. Kate looked at him, then repeated what he had said, smiling as she took another drink. She sighed.

"What?" he asked.

"No more bikinis. No more alcohol..."

"Did you really miss alcohol the last time you were pregnant? I would have thought you consumed enough the night we made him to last you at least nine months."

Kate groaned. "God, we were so drunk."

"It was fun. I need to be that drunk with you again."

Kate raised her eyebrows at him. "You have the energy tonight?"

She expected him to say no but he jumped up and pulled two energy drinks out of the fridge. The threw one to her; she popped it open and drank it quickly. He laughed.

"We're such grown ups."

He leaned on the counter and Kate hopped up onto it. He nestled between her legs and she bent her neck down to kiss him.

"I love it when you taste like cherries," he said, commenting on the flavour of the drink. Kate kissed him harder; their bodies were soon soaked in sweat from being pressed together. Rick ran his hands through Kate's wet hair, which still smelled a little of chlorine, and felt his body wake up much more quickly than he'd thought it would.

The buzzer went. Kate chuckled as she pushed Rick away. She looked at him.

"Maybe I should get it," she said. He laughed.

Lindsay's mother handed over an exhausted Johnny, and Kate offered to have Lindsay round on Saturday. The mother accepted happily and Johnny smiled sleepily as she carried him to bed. She changed him into his pyjamas; he was fast asleep before his head even hit the pillow. She closed the door to him. When she went back through to the kitchen, Rick had poured out 6 shots of tequila.

"Happy Inappropriate Wednesday," he said with a grin, handing her the first shot.

* * *

"I've never got drunk quite like this before," she said, downing the rest of her energy drink before taking her third shot.

"What, you mean without some pretence of going out?"

Kate laughed. "Yeah. Or a game or something."

"We could have a game," he said.

"I haven't played a drinking game since... college?"

Rick chuckled. "I forget how much of a workaholic you were before I met you. Okay... you must have played mercy before?"

Kate nodded. "So..."

"Anything goes. You can say or do anything. If I want you to stop I say mercy, you stop, I drink, and we swap over. Don't ever play this with someone you don't like."

Kate laughed. "Right. Who goes first?"

"I will." He poured out a shot. "I think you are the most fantastic person ever. You're admirable, beautiful, sexy, intelligent, per-"

"Mercy," she said, chugging it. She poured him one and simply grabbed hold of his ear. He squealed almost immediately and took his drink. She grinned. Until he slid off her shoes and began to tickle her feet. She could barely get the word out through her laughter. Then she hopped off the counter and got out the scissors. He gaped at her until she headed for his Xbox.

"Mercy!" he yelled. She chuckled, putting the scissors down. He picked them back up again and held them out towards her hair. They really were drunk. She made the right decision just in time. She unbuttoned his shirt and took a piece of ice out of the drawer in the freezer. He gasped as she touched it to his chest, but the heat of the night and her clever fingers kept him quiet – which had been her plan anyway. They both knew the game had ended; Rick reached for Kate's top. When she was divested of her clothing he turned on the cold tap and put his hands under it. Kate watched, her inebriated brain not quite working out what he was doing-

-until his cold, cold hands were on her body and she gasped with shock and pleasure. She was only vaguely aware that she was standing naked in the kitchen. Rick was naked too. When had even that happened?

"Love you," she slurred, giggling as she wobbled on her feet. He steadied her.

"We're really drunk," he said with a goofy smile.

"I thought that was the idea," Kate said, hiccuping as she stumbled forward into him, pressing her mouth to his.

"Bed," he managed. She giggled again and staggered through the apartment with him; they tumbled into bed like a couple of stupid teenagers.

* * *

A/N: And now you write the review or I lose all motivation and never write (for you) again!


	74. Chapter 74

Chapter 14

Kate groaned. She felt terrible, her head was pounding, she had terrible cramps, and there was a ringing in her ears. More like a beeping, actually. She blinked and scrabbled around on the bedside table. Rick was beginning to wake up too. She found her phone and screwed up her eyes as she turned on the light.

8.15am? Her alarm had been going off for over an hour! She hauled herself out of bed and into the bathroom, where she dealt with the cause of the cramps. She paused on the toilet, holding her head in her hands as she tried not to pass out. Rick stumbled in and she peeked up at him.

"Unless you want me to throw up in the sink, I'd find somewhere else to sit," he told her. Kate quickly got out of his way, falling into the counter as Rick emptied the contents of his stomach. He flushed. The sight of him doing it was enough to make Kate need to throw up as well. Rick held her hair back for her.

She shuddered. She actually felt a lot better when she was done being sick. Rick turned on the shower and handed her a toothbrush; she was still sitting on the floor.

"Thanks," she said, smiling at him. He brushed his own teeth.

"What's happening today?" she asked groggily as they got into the shower together.

"Erm... you're going to be late for work. My mother and Alexis are coming round this morning, and depending on how Johnny feels I might come and see you at work."

"That'd be nice," Kate murmured as Rick rubbed shampoo into her hair. She was feeling much better. From the feel of him behind her, so was he. She chuckled.

"No time," she said regretfully. "But I'll take care of it later."

"You don't have to-" he began.

"I'd rather I did it than you, Mr Castle," she told him. He pressed a warm hand to her abdomen, in just the right place to soothe the pain that was there.

"I'll take care of you too, Mrs Castle."

They got out of the shower and Kate hurried to get ready. She and Rick had developed the knack of dressing around each other, passing things, doing up cuff links... Rick was remarkably good at doing hair.

"I brought up a daughter on my own," he reminded Kate as he twisted her hair back into a kind of French braid. "I bought a book with very detailed instructions."

He left her to put on her shoes while he went through to the kitchen to fix them some coffee and painkillers. He froze in the doorway to the main room.

"Kate..." he called nervously. She appeared behind him.

"What's the ma-"

She froze too, gaping at the bomb site formerly known as their living room. There was broken glass all over the kitchen floor and spilled alcohol everywhere. A cherry energy drink had made a fantastic purple stain on the carpet; the coffee table was overturned and there was beer on the couch – whose cushions were strewn about the room. There was also water all over the floor, and assorted bottles of alcohol sat on most of the surfaces. Their clothes were everywhere too... They had gotten undressed very energetically, it seemed.

Rick reached up and unhooked a pair of black lacy panties from the top corner of the bookshelf. He handed them to Kate, who blushed. She checked her watch. It was almost nine already!

"When are Martha and Alexis coming?" she asked. Rick opened his mouth to speak when there was a knock at the door. They stared at each other, wide eyed.

"Just a minute," Rick called.

"What do we do?" Kate muttered.

"Hide?" Rick suggested. "Grab the kid and run?"

He was only half joking. Kate threw her underwear back into the bedroom.

"Yeah, that's going to make a difference," Rick said. He hurried to put the coffee table to rights while Kate set about collecting the rest of their clothes.

"What's going on in there, Richard?" Martha called.

"Nothing, just... in the middle of something."

"In the middle of what, Dad?" Alexis asked. Kate threw the clothes into the bedroom while Rick gathered up the bottles and glasses, shoving them into the cupboard under the sink. Kate took out the dustpan and attempted to sweep up the broken glass; Rick had to open the door for his mother and daughter.

Martha looked around. "What happened in here?" she asked. Rick looked at the purple stain on the carpet.

"I... spilt some juice yesterday."

"And again this morning?" Alexis asked, peering over the counter to look at Kate.

"That was me," Kate said. "I dropped a cup."

Martha nodded disbelievingly. "I see, dear. You're a little late this morning, Katherine."

Kate stood up and tipped the broken glass into the trash. "Slept in," she said, shoving the dustpan back in its cupboard. She fetched two glasses of water and filled and turned on the coffee pot, then surreptitiously swallowed some painkillers while Alexis and Martha chatted about something; Rick had gone to get Johnny. She remembered Rick had promised her a lift to work because they'd left her car there yesterday. After smiling at her mother-in-law and stepdaughter, she hurried through to the bedroom to get her bag and phone. She put her head around the door of Johnny's room, where he and Rick were having an animated conversation about trains.

"I need a lift," she reminded her husband.

"So you do," Rick said. "CB, d'you mind staying here with Grams and Alexis while I take your Mommy to work?"

"No, that's okay," Johnny said. "In fact, you should go to work with her all day."

"I should?"

"She likes it when you're at work with her. And I like playing with Lex."

Rick looked up at Kate and shrugged.

"Okay," he said, giving Johnny a hug. "I'll see you at the end of the day, then."

"Okay," Johnny said happily. He looked at Kate. "Love you Mommy. Have a nice day."

"Love you too," she said to him. Rick got up to grab his wallet and keys; Kate bent down to give Johnny a kiss. Martha gave her son a look to rival the ones his wife could deliver as he hurried out of the door; he hurried Kate through in front of him. She looked at her watch.

"I am so late," she said as he ushered her into the elevator. He ran a hand absent mindedly over her ass and she shuddered. She didn't feel in the least bit like sex. She was exhausted, hungover, and on her period. And yet-

"Not now," she muttered, but she wasn't even convincing herself. He laughed. She groaned.

"How does that even work?"

"How does what work, my wife?"

She made a face at him; they stepped out of the elevator and into the underground parking. "How does... I mean, I am _so _hungover. And tired. I have horrible stomach cramp, I was just seriously embarrassed, I'm late for work... and yet all you have to do is brush your hand against me and I forget all of that. All of it."

Rick opened the door of the Ferrari for her and she got in, still thinking. He walked around and sat in his seat.

"I don't know how it works. But... it's the same. For me. It's the same," he said, winking at her as he started the engine. He glanced at the clock on the car – almost nine thirty already. "Fuck, you really are late!"

Kate leaned back in the seat and laughed. "I know."

Rick stared at her. "And yet you laugh..?"

Kate found it surprising too. "Must be being married. Changes my priorities."

"D'you think it will have changed Gates'?"

Kate smiled. "I don't care."

Rick reached over and put his hand on her leg, a grin spreading across his face. "I love you."

"I love you too," she said, closing her eyes as the sun warmed her through the wind shield. Rick pressed the button to retract the roof and put on some music. Kate felt the breeze rush over her body and forgot about her hangover for the second time that morning.

Unfortunately, it returned as soon as they arrived at the 12th. She winced at the sunlight and the sharp comment from her boss when she walked through the door. Rick tried to take most of the blame onto himself; after a minute Gates just looked between the two of them and sighed.

"Make up the time, Detective," she said in an almost friendly tone, then retreated to her office. Rick raised his eyebrows.

"I think she ships us."

"She what's us?"

"Ships. She supports our relationship, or our ship..."

"This ship's going to sail unless you start talking about something else."

"You know what a ship is , Mrs Temptation Lane."

Kate grinned. "Now that you've brought it up, I do believe it's my turn to choose our next TV marathon..."

"What? No... You wouldn't."

"Fine. What about Nebula 9?"

"Nebula 9? _You _like Nebula 9? And here was I thinking you had taste."

"Wait, you _don't _like it? I thought you loved sci-fi!"

"I love good sci-fi," he said, plonking himself down in the chair beside her desk while she arranged her files and opened one to look over.

"Nebula 9 _is _good!"

Rick made a face. "Sure... if you like bad acting and ludicrous plot lines."

Kate bit her lip. She wasn't really upset. But she was at a fragile time of month... She felt Rick's hand touch hers.

"Hey," he said gently. "It wasn't that bad. And if you want, I'll watch it with you. Why did you like it so much?"

And so, between filling out reports and drinking several cups of coffee, Kate told Rick about another part of her life that he hadn't known about before. He loved hearing it, loved getting to know her like this, because even though they were married, even though they were more in love than ever before, even though he knew every inch of her body as well as she knew his and he knew his own... there was still something new for them to learn about each other every day. And that was what made it so magical. In return, he told her about being a Star Wars superfan, and even inflicting this obsession on his daughter, taking her to SupernovaCon so he could try out his Darth Vader costume.

"She actually went last year," Kate told him.

"What did she go as?" he asked.

Kate suddenly became very interested in the form she was filling out, and Rick had the sense not to ask again. He started up another topic of conversation and soon they were chatting away about a murder they'd solved together when Kate had been pregnant.

They drove home separately so Kate would have her car – Rick, to her delight, offered her the Ferrari, though she was forced to refuse because she was the only one allowed to drive her car; it was a lease car from work.

"I'll let you take me for a spin in it this evening," he told her as they parted in the parking lot. She grinned. Having him around made her feel so good.

Rick was trying to persuade Martha and Alexis to stay for dinner when she got home, but they refused, saying they had already made reservations. Kate looked around the loft. Johnny was sitting quietly with a book, the kitchen was clean and tidy, and Alexis had put something on the stain on the floor which was making it fade wonderfully. She said goodbye to the two women and went to say hello to Johnny, who greeted her with an enthusiastic hug, followed by a stream of information about what he had done that day. Kate listened with interest, and Rick came over to join the conversation. Johnny then wanted to know how their day had been, and also, what they were having for dinner.

The evening passed in a rush – Johnny wanted to play, then they ate, then there was more cleaning and tidying to do, as well as laundry. Kate and Rick switched between minding their son and doing the housework. They ended up all sorting clothes together in Johnny's room while he got ready for bed.

"You're getting bigger," Rick commented as he folded a t-shirt. "Soon you'll be too big for most of this stuff."

Johnny grinned, pulling his head through his pyjama top. "I know. I'm going to be tall like you and Mommy."

Kate smiled. "We'll have to take you shopping."

"What will happen to the old clothes?" Johnny asked. Kate glanced at Rick and he nodded.

"Well, we can give them to charity, or maybe, if you have a little brother or sister one day, they might wear them."

Johnny's eyes lit up. "A little brother or sister?"

Rick nodded. "Yep. What do you think?"

Johnny grinned. "Am I going to have one?"

"I don't know yet. But your Dad and I have been thinking about it. Would you like that?"

"Yes! What would you call them? When will they be born?"

Kate laughed. "I think we're getting a bit ahead of ourselves now, CB. But we'll let you know how things progress. It would be a while, if we did have one."

"A baby would grow inside you, wouldn't it?"

"Yeah."

"How long does it take?"

"Nine months," Rick answered, getting up to tuck his son into bed. Johnny frowned, trying to count the months on his fingers but getting confused.

"April or May," Kate told him. "But the clock hasn't started yet."

"Please can we have a baby?" Johnny asked. Kate kissed his forehead.

"We'll see what we can do," she told him. "Goodnight, Johnny. I love you."

"I love you too. And Daddy."

"I love you too. Goodnight."

Kate and Rick went quietly out of the room, grinning at each other because of what they had just talked about.

"There'll be no escaping it now he's caught on," Rick said as he looked for the Temptation Lane DVDs. He popped the first one into the player and sat down on the couch; Kate snuggled into his side and he moved so his hand was resting on her stomach. She put her hand over it and he kissed the top of her head; she smiled and relaxed into him, knowing there was nowhere else she'd rather be.

* * *

A/N: Please review guys! Love you xxx


	75. Chapter 75

Chapter 15

"Happy Friday," Kate murmured to Rick as she slipped out of bed. They had fallen asleep in front of the TV; he must have carried her to bed, because she didn't remember waking up and getting there herself. She would let him rest now. She got ready quickly and went through to the kitchen, not entirely surprised to find Johnny already up and playing in the living room.

"Good morning," he said when he saw her.

"Hey, sweetie. You want breakfast?"

Johnny got up and went over to his mother; Kate was making coffee. She got out some bread and popped it in the toaster; Johnny climbed into one of the high chairs and watched as she prepared his food.

"Can I come to work with you?" he asked. Kate thought about it. She was about to say yes when her cell started ringing. The caller ID said it was Esposito.

"Maybe not today CB – but one day soon, I promise."

She tucked the phone between her ear and her shoulder as she buttered Johnny's toast. As she'd expected, a body had dropped. She would have to leave right away. She added the cheese and apple to Johnny's plate, then swigged her coffee, savouring it all the more because she knew in a few weeks she would have to give it up.

"I have to go to work," she told her son, kissing him on the cheek. "Might be a late night, too, but if I'm not going to be back for dinner I'll call you, okay?"

"Okay... Can you call anyway?"

"Sure, honey. I'll call at about lunchtime. That alright?"

"Yes. Have a good day. Catch the bad guys."

"I'll do my best. Have fun with your dad – if he's not up in ten minutes, you can tell him I gave you permission to go in there and wake him up."

Johnny grinned and nodded. Kate grabbed her stuff and hurried out of the door, blowing Johnny a kiss. She wished moments like that with him weren't ones she had to snatch, but at least she'd seen him. And Rick was there. Her husband.

She put the location of the crime scene into the sat nav system in her phone; she knew where she was going but it calculated how long she would take.

"ETA ten minutes," she told Espo, calling him back on the hands-free.

"Right..."

"You sound.. different. Is it a bad one?"

"Very. Just... brace yourself, Beckett."

Kate tried not to be nervous, but there was something about his tone of voice that worried her. She knew there was no point asking him to explain over the phone, so she ended the call and drove as fast as she legally could.

She got out of the car in the way that Rick described so well in his book. He flattered her, far too much, but this... the moment she always took, the way she always tried to honour the victim and approach the scene with fresh eyes... she was glad he had put that in.

It was at the park. A jogger, braving the heat, had found the victim, a girl, under a tree.

She was the same age as Alexis. She looked similar, too. Different hair, different eyes, but similar build, and similar... innocence. She had been laid out as if she was sleeping; there were no visible signs of injury on her body.

And she was pregnant. Very pregnant.

Lanie looked up; she was kneeling on the ground beside her.

"No ID on her. I'll take prints and run them"

Kate nodded, rather distracted. She was glad Rick wasn't with her; he did not need to see this, especially when he would be worried enough about his own daughter.

Lanie frowned at her friend, knowing this one would hit Kate hard. She had gotten very close to Alexis; they were practically mother and daughter – this girl was Alexis' age, but with a baby... Kate excused herself and took out her phone, knowing it was stupid, but having to all the same.

"Hello," Alexis mumbled, clearly having just woken up.

"Hi, sweetie, it's Kate. I'm so sorry to wake you-"

"No, it's okay," Alexis said groggily. "What's up?"

Kate paused. "I just... wanted to make sure you're okay. There's a tough case."

Alexis made a sound of understanding. She had known Kate a long time, she trusted and respected her. She also knew that Kate wasn't as tough as the image she projected to the world.

"You want to talk about it?"

"No," Kate said awkwardly. "I mean... I just wanted to talk to you. It's a... a girl about your age."

"I see. What else?"

"You're a smart kid, Alexis."

"I know. What else?"

"She's... pregnant. I don't know how far along but she looks almost the full nine months."

Alexis was silent for a minute.

"Are you... You and Dad are thinking about having another baby, aren't you?"

"How did you know?"

Alexis chuckled. "I'm a smart kid. I think you should."

"That saves an awkward conversation."

"It doesn't mean anything, Kate. I don't mean she's not important or significant, but she is just a girl. This isn't anything to do with your life."

"I know," Kate said, feeling better already. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't-"

"Kate. You have talked me through countless emotional crises, most of them incredibly lame. I'm glad you called. I... I like that you're my Mom."

Kate began to say that she wasn't Alexis' Mom, that Alexis had a mother, but she changed her mind. "I like that I'm your Mom too. I may not be back this evening-"

"That's okay. I'll be at the loft, I think. I'll see you when you get back. Dad'll bring Johnny to you, I guess?"

"Yeah, probably. I wish I could be back but-"

"I like having the loft to myself. Maybe I'll have an impromptu party."

Kate laughed. "I'll see you later, Lex."

"Bye, Mom."

Alexis ended the call before Kate could say anything, and Kate went back to Lanie. The girl was in a bag now, being lifted into the van. Lanie smiled at her.

"You look better. How was Alexis?"

"Sleepy. I feel bad, I woke her up-"

"How many times has she woken you up, calling to be rescued from a party or to ask your advice?"

Kate took the point. She went back to her car and drove to the precinct. There wasn't much they could do until they got an ID; they would look through missing persons and she had uniforms canvassing the area, but it was the park. No one saw anything in the park.

The girl's fingerprints weren't in the system but they identified her with dental records as a college drop out, Ellie Brown. Lanie found COD to be poisoning, something taken orally.

Ellie had dropped out of college when she found out she was pregnant; she'd been working in a beauty parlour. Everyone had liked her, no one had any idea why anyone would have wanted to harm her. She had been sweet and kind... but no one knew who the father of the baby was.

Kate made the devastating call to Ellie's parents, knowing she was bringing their whole world crashing down on them, and there was nothing she could do but try to find justice. She sat at her desk after she put the phone down; the Browns were from New Jersey and said they were driving down now. Kate wished she could curl up in a ball on the floor, partly because of her cramp, partly because of the poor girl, partly because of the dead baby. She checked her phone. No messages, but it was almost time to call Johnny.

She bit her lip. She had to cheer up so she didn't worry him. She dialled the loft so he could answer the phone.

"Hello, this is John Castle Beckett," he answered, loud and clear.

"You're so good at that," Kate told him.

"Mommy! How are you?"

"I'm good, CB. How was your morning?"

"It was good. We built a tower, now we're reading. Are you going to be home soon?"

"'Fraid not, Johnny. But that sounds nice. What are you reading?"

"Something Daddy wrote. It's about spies and superheroes."

"I like the sound of that."

"I like it too. Daddy wants to talk to you."

"Okay. Love you."

"Love you too," he said. Kate heard the phone being passed over.

"Take some painkillers," Rick said before she had even spoken.

"How did you-"

"I always know. Go on, you're on your cell, you can get some while we talk."

Kate did as he said, chuckling at him bossing her around.

"How are things going?" she asked.

"Fine. I'm trying out the new thing I was writing on Johnny, he seems to like it."

"He said. Will you publish it?"

"I'd have to finish it first. But I'm thinking about it. Have to publish your second book first."

"Hmm."

"There's a launch party soon. Would you consider-"

"Ask me when I feel good. But, yes, of course."

"Thanks."

"Always. I look forward to it. When is it?"

"Next Friday. Paula said she'll kill me if I don't turn up looking presentable, with my new wife on my arm."

"Then I really _have _to go. I'd like to meet Paula."

"No you wouldn't. But she'll be there, so you can, if you want."

"Then I will," Kate said with a laugh, swallowing her pills. "Will you come and see me later?"

"At work?"

"Yeah. Bring the kid. And some food. We can have a little picnic in the break room – I'm going to have to work late. You could bring Lex too, but she might want to just stay at home."

"I'm sure she'll want to come. She hasn't been home much this week; I imagine she'd like some family time."

"You overrate our family," Kate said, but Rick knew she was joking.

"We'll take a cab, then Lex can take Johnny home and do bedtime, and I'll stay at work with you."

"If she doesn't mind, that'd be great."

"She won't mind. It's Johnny."

Kate laughed. "Right. I'd better go, Espo's waving at me. I'll see you later."

"Okay. Take care of yourself, imagine me saying stupid things so you laugh."

Kate smiled. "Will do. Have a great afternoon."

"We will. Bye, honey."

Kate could tell he was expecting her to jump on 'honey' but she let it lie. She quite liked it.

"Bye, Castle."

Esposito told her Lanie had something, so she got into the elevator and set off for the morgue. The day was really warm but the morgue didn't exactly have a refreshing chill.

"Wow, this one's really bothering you isn't it?" Lanie asked when Kate shuddered on seeing the victim again.

"Yeah, I... Castle and I... we've pretty much decided to have another baby," Kate blurted out. "And I just... I don't know why it feels so connected, it's probably just hormones, and things with Rick are great, better than great, but I almost feel as if this is a sign, a sign that we shouldn't do it. I mean, are we really ready?"

"Kate. Slow down," Lanie said calmly. "I think it's wonderful that you and writer boy want another kid. Why might you not be ready?"

"I just... we're such children. I love it, that he brings out the child in me, and I don't think we're bad parents to Johnny but Johnny's different... The situation with him... I mean, he was a total accident, obviously, and... I just think if we're planning it, shouldn't we have planned everything? Shouldn't we be... a bit more mature?"

"Kate, Johnny is a wonderful boy. You've done a great job with him and you'll all do a great job with another baby. If you don't want to have one, that's a different thing, but I think you do. And, bringing out the child in you? I'm intrigued. Spill?"

Kate laughed. "Just... messing around. Getting drunk like teenagers. Doing... other things."

Lanie laughed too. "So? Did you think grown ups didn't do that?"

Kate made a face. "As a grown up, I haven't ever done these things. Apart from with Rick."

"Just shows how good he is for you. So married life's good, then?"

Kate blushed.

"I'll take that as a resounding yes. Kate, this is just a case. Of course it's going to sting, especially as you already have babies on the brain, but it's a case. Go get pregnant. You want to, you should."

"Can't today," Kate said miserably.

"Now you're just feeling sorry for yourself. Do something for Rick then, it'll make you feel better-"

"_Lanie_! I know I can do that, I do not want to talk about it!"

"You brought it up."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did. Anyway. Why not? You talk about everything with me."

Kate blushed even redder than she had done before. Lanie laughed.

"Okay. If it bothers you that much, I'll stop talking about you giving your husband a-"

"Shut up! You said you had something to tell me about the _case_," Kate said, desperately trying to recover herself. And to stop thinking about that. Especially because now she kind of felt like doing it...

She gave herself a little shake, which earned a knowing smile from Lanie.

"I can give you a minute," she said, gesturing towards her office.

"Oh, stop it," Kate said, a smile creeping to her lips. Lanie winked.

"See. You feel better now."

"You're as bad as my husband!"

"Worse. I assure you."

Kate made a face and Lanie finally told her about the fibres she had discovered on the body. Whoever laid Ellie out had been wearing suede leather gloves, either work gloves, or for hunting. There was also chlorine in her hair, from a swimming pool.

"Well, they have those swimming exercise class things, right?"

"Right. But she would have washed her hair afterwards, and she didn't. I'm putting time of death at around five yesterday-"

"So she was in a class yesterday, and either she left in a hurry, or she was killed there and then brought to the park. They give out drinks at those classes..."

"The poison was in orange juice," Lanie said.

"So we have to find that class. I'll talk to her friends, see if they can tell me about it. Thanks, Lanie."

"Any time. Have a great evening..."

"Oh, shush," Kate said, sighing theatrically as she waved to her friend and left the morgue. She found out about the class but it was too late to go to the leisure centre by the time she discovered where it was. Ellie's parents had arrived, anyway, and it was time to talk to them.

They didn't know anything. She had called them every few days, and they saw her fairly often, but they had no idea about anything suspicious going on in her life, and they didn't know who the father of the baby was. They didn't know if Ellie had had a boyfriend when she got pregnant, they didn't think so though.

Kate hated cases like this. No one had anything bad to say about Ellie... she had a horrible feeling it was something to do with the father, but no one had any idea who he was, and the case was going nowhere.

She walked the Browns out; they were going to stay in a hotel. Her phone buzzed as she watched the door close on the devastated parents.

_We're outside and we have Thai. Lex too._

Kate laughed. She waited at the elevator; sure enough, it came up again and her family swamped her in three simultaneous hugs as they got out.

"Hello Mommy!" Johnny said happily.

"Hey, CB," Kate said, picking him up and giving him a hug. They walked into the side room with the table and Rick set out the food. Kate sat down in a chair and Johnny stayed on her lap. Alexis chatted away about her various activities and plans she'd been making with friends; there was a trip to Europe on the cards, if they could raise the money.

"I can help you-" Rick began.

"No, that's okay," Alexis said with a smile. "We want to earn it ourselves. So we properly deserve the holiday."

"I like it," he said. They moved on to different topics and after almost an hour of eating and conversation, Alexis said she would take Johnny home, and Kate began to fill Rick in about the case. He immediately realised why this would be a tough one for her; it was tough for him too. He slipped his hand in to hers.

"We'll get them," he said gently.

"I know," she said. She smiled at him. They went over the case... and over it, and over it. They didn't find anyone in Ellie's life, no one from work, no one among her friends. So it was down to the gloves and the class.

At about nine, Kate was very ready to go home. She wasn't exactly tired, she was just... ready. Rick could feel it, zinging off her; it made him want to kiss her, even as they got into the car. She didn't speak much, but as she drove off her hand rested on his thigh and her fingers moved around a little, causing him to sit up straight, and after a minute, clamp his hand down on hers.

"Cool it," he muttered.

"Why?" she asked, pulling away at the now green traffic light.

"Because..." Rick began, but he could no longer think of a reason. Kate chuckled. They were almost at the loft anyway. She took her hand back and parked the car, then got out and went to the elevator. She actually had to use the bathroom before too long. The kissing was good though. Very good...

She slipped away with a 'be right back', leaving Rick not quite sure what was going on, but very eager to find out. She dealt with everything quickly, sighing because she knew she wasn't getting any action tonight – she just didn't go for that. Still. She enjoyed this almost as much.

She went back out into the bedroom; Rick was lying on the bed but she held out her hand for him to stand up. She locked the door and he chuckled – though his laughter disappeared when she knelt at his feet.

* * *

"Are you sure I can't do anything for you?" Rick asked, curling his naked body around hers as she snuggled into him on the bed.

"Positive. I'm satisfied. I promise."

Rick sighed, his warm breath sending pleasant shivers down her spine. "I'll make it up to you on Monday. Are you working tomorrow?"

"Yeah," she said. "But I'll try not to be late. It just depends how the case goes."

"Can I take you out for dinner?"

"On Monday, yes."

"How do you know we can't go out to dinner without it leading to-"

"I don't. I just know I prefer it when it does."

Rick hugged her closer. "I love you. And I love that your my wife."

"I love you too. And I love that you're my husband. I want to go to sleep now, though."

He trailed a hand down her back. "Goodnight, Mrs Castle."

"Goodnight, Ricky," she breathed.

* * *

A/N: Reviews please xxx


	76. Chapter 76

Chapter 16

Kate went straight to the leisure centre on Saturday morning. She had a picture of Ellie; they confirmed straight away that Ellie had been a customer. The kid on duty at the desk, a boy of about 19, said that he hadn't been on desk duty that day, but they had CCTV in the lobby.

"Can we look at the tapes from the beginning and end of the class?" Kate asked the boy, whose name was Harry.

"Yeah, sure," he said awkwardly. He pointed to a door marked 'staff only'. "That's the security office."

Espo and Ryan went to check it out; Kate stayed with the boy a moment longer.

"Did you know Ellie?" she asked. Harry bit his lip, but shook his head.

"It's awful that she died," he said. "But I didn't know her. I might have seen her come in, but I never spoke to her."

Kate nodded. She got Harry to call his supervisor, who confirmed Harry hadn't been at the front desk that day. He called the girl who had been – a perky, athletic young woman named Melissa, who said that she remembered Ellie coming in because Ellie always smiled at her, not like some of the customers.

The teacher of the class was the most helpful. She said they did serve refreshments, but not orange juice. But Ellie had left early.

"Was she with anyone? Did she get a call?"

"She was in a swimming pool. No calls."

"And she didn't arrive with anyone," Melissa added.

"Did you see her leave?"

"No... I mean, I don't see everyone leave, they don't have to come to the desk or anything."

"Is this the only door?"

"The only customer door, yes."

Kate thought about this. She wondered where Ellie had gone. She had still had chlorine in her hair – so she had left without even showering. She found out what time Ellie had left and went to tell the boys so they could check whether she had used the front door.

The security man wasn't much help. The only cameras were in the lobby and in the car park. They trawled through the video, but while they quickly found Ellie coming in, there was no trace of her leaving.

"Where else could she have left from?" Kate asked.

Esposito and Ryan had already been looking at plans for the building.

"There are two other doors," Espo said. "A service door that leads out to the back of the building, and the back door of the cafe kitchen. Since there would have been people in the kitchen, the service door seems more likely."

"Right. You guys go check it out, I'll go to the kitchen just in case."

"What are you thinking, Beckett? That someone found her here, cornered her when she got out of the pool..."

"This is a good place to meet without anyone suspecting anything. It's private, it has lots of different facilities, and there are lots of places, like changing rooms, where it's illegal to be watching. I think... someone she knew agreed to meet her here. She set the time during her class because she didn't want anyone to know about the meeting, and she didn't want anyone to be in the changing room. But instead of meeting her-"

"They offered her some poisoned orange juice and got her out of here somehow."

"How do you get a body out of a leisure centre?" Ryan asked.

Kate shrugged. "No idea. But I'm thinking... we need to find the father. So we should probably talk to college friends-"

Her phone buzzed. She looked at it. "Okay, looks like you guys are taking both doors. The Browns are at the precinct. There are three of them, a brother, too."

"Protective brother got angry?"

"I'll know more when I meet him. Keep in touch."

"Will do. Good luck."

"I just wish I had something more to tell them..."

Kate left the centre, not looking forward to the interview she was about to conduct.

The parents had both been in New Jersey, so couldn't be suspects. The brother, Luke, however, didn't really have an alibi. And there was something about him that Kate didn't like... She would have to talk to him on his own. He was older than Ellie and seemed almost angry with her.

"She threw her life away the day she decided to leave home. She didn't have to go to college, we didn't have the money... She should have been happy with the life that she had."

"You don't seem too upset that your sister is dead."

"I didn't like her. She got away with anything, the spoilt younger sibling... Even when she got chucked out of college, Mom and Dad still worshipped the ground she walked on."

"So you were jealous of her?"

Luke finally realised where this was going. "Yes! I was jealous of her, but I didn't kill her."

"So where were you on Thursday?"

"I was..." Luke trailed off., but his confidence returned after a moment. "I don't have to talk to you. And I'm not under arrest. So I think we should leave."

He turned to his grief stricken parents, who followed him out of the precinct. Aside from the fact that Ellie'd had a rather dysfunctional family, Kate had learned nothing. None of them knew who the father of the child might be. She was about to call the college when Espo called.

"You were right, wasn't the kitchen," he told her. "No one saw anything by the service door, but that looks the most likely. And Ryan figured out how they got the body to it."

Kate heard some scuffling, and a 'let me tell her, I worked it out.' She chuckled.

"Yes, I did," Ryan said. "Because right beside the service door is the laundry. You know how leisure centres have loads of towels to wash – well at this one, they move them around in huge carts. The other night Jenny made me watch Annie, you know the movie-"

"Get to the point, Ryan."

"Sorry. Yeah. So I think Ellie was killed here, probably in a changing room, and then the killer put her in a cart and pushed her to here."

Kate thought about this. "Do you think that means the killer had to know the layout of the building?"

"Might do – but there are fire exit signs pointing to this door, and the laundry carts are just left in the changing rooms until they're full, so really anyone could have done it."

"Okay... In that case... talk to the staff again, see who was working in the laundry, or looking after the carts, whatever. I really don't like the brother... He seems aggressive, angry, and jealous. But I have to call the college and find out who the father of this baby is."

"Right. We'll let you know about the laundry cart thing."

"Well done, Ryan," Kate said, only slightly sarcastically.

She hung up and looked back at the college website contact page on her computer screen. She was just typing in the number when her cell rang again. She sighed – they were finally getting somewhere with the case and she had to be interrupted again!

"What?" she said rather huffily.

"Sorry, bad time?"

"Oh, Castle, sorry, I just... The case, you know. Busy."

"How's it going?"

Kate sighed. "It's tough. But I really have to make a call – I'll talk to you later, okay?"

She could hear him smiling on the other end of the phone. "If I let you go now you have to promise to be back before seven."

"What time is it now?"

"Almost three."

Kate groaned. Where had her day gone?

"Okay, seven it is. Are you cooking, or do you want me to pick something up on the way back?"

"We're cooking. Alexis too – she said to say hello."

"Say I said hello back. Is your mother coming?"

"I haven't asked her. Should I?"

"Better than her just turning up unannounced."

"I can tell her not to come. I know you're tired, you shouldn't even be working today. You don't have to play hostess tonight if you don't want to."

"Oh, Rick, you're so good at playing host, I'll feel like a guest too."

"Shush. Go on, go save lives and keep the streets safe. But you're having a bath tonight."

"Oh, I am, am I?"

"Yes, you are. And _I _have worked out a way to bring my writing chair into the bathroom, so while you have your bath, I can get some writing done."

"Couldn't you get some writing done in your office..?"

"I could. But that would be a long time of... clothing-less you, going to waste."

"And we couldn't have that."

"No. We couldn't."

"Castle, I have to go to work."

"Castle, I know you do. Have a lovely afternoon."

"Thanks. You too."

She hung up and had to smile. She hated being interrupted, but Rick was very good at it. She finally called the college, and they put her through to Ellie's tutor, a Jamie Thompson.

"Hello, Mr Thomson, I'm Detective Beckett. I'd like to ask about an old student of yours, Ellie Brown?"

"Oh, Ellie. What has she done this time? I doubt that I can be of much help – she stopped being my student almost six months ago."

"Because she was pregnant, yes, I know."

There was a pause. "It was a shock to all of us, and it was a shame to let her go. She was a good student, or so I thought, but she didn't make any effort to appeal the expulsion, which she could have done. She wanted to leave – wanted to be in trouble. So... how do you think I can help you?"

"Ellie was poisoned on Thursday. She's dead."

"Oh my God! You can't be serious, her baby... The baby's dead too?"

"Yes. I'm sorry."

"I am too... Poor kid. She didn't deserve that. So I suppose you want to know if I have any idea who the father of the baby was?"

"Yes – do you?"

"That's the thing. None. Usually, a pretty girl like that is surrounded by men, but not Ellie. No friends to speak of, either. She was very sweet and kind, but quiet, didn't talk much. Worked hard, kept herself to herself. When I found out she was pregnant I couldn't believe it. I thought she must have a boyfriend back home..."

"No. Her parents and brother didn't know of anyone."

"You spoke to her brother? I don't mean to suggest anything, I don't believe he would kill her... but he was awful."

"I know what you mean. Do you know if she had any friends? Anyone she might have talked to?"

"I really can't think of anyone. She... she almost talked to me. But she... she was so shy."

Kate told him her number. "Call me if you think of anything, or remember anything she might have said, or even written in a paper, that would suggest who the father of the baby is."

"I will. I hope you catch them."

"I will. Thank you for your time, Mr Thompson."

Kate drummed her fingers on her desk, thinking more about Ellie. She went up to the murder board and uncapped a marker. Ellie's co-workers at the beauty parlour hadn't had anything bad to say about her, but none of them had known her very well. Sweet, kind, didn't talk about personal stuff. She had a thought and called Lanie.

"What's up, girl?" Lanie answered straight away.

"Was Ellie having sex?"

"Ellie was pregnant."

"You can have sex when you're pregnant."

"You can... many women choose not to, though. Ellie wasn't – but does that mean anything?"

"No... I just... is there a chance that Ellie was sexually assaulted?"

There was a pause. "It's not impossible. It's too late to tell, now. Do you think she was raped and the rape got her pregnant?"

Kate looked at Luke's picture on the murder board. "Can you do a DNA test on the baby?"

"Sure... but if we don't have the father's DNA in the system, it isn't going to help."

"Would you be able to tell if... if the father was related to Ellie. Say, her brother?"

"Not conclusively without a sample of the brother's DNA. But, yes. I would be able to tell. This sounds awful, Kate... What are you thinking?"

"It's just a gut feeling. Probably because I didn't like the guy. But... I think Luke might have raped Ellie."

She would have to wait until the next day for the results of the DNA test. The boys were back, they were shocked when she explained her theory at first, but it did make sense.

"That would explain why she was so quiet, why she was nervous around people... poor girl," Esposito said, looking up at her picture.

"I really hope I'm wrong," Kate said sadly. She looked at the time. "I don't think there's much more I can do today. I'll see you guys tomorrow. Lanie's running some tests for me... so we'll see. Sorry to make you work all weekend. Tell Jenny-"

"Jenny gets it, just like Castle does. Although... can we really call him Castle now, if you're Castle too?"

Kate laughed. "I'm not Castle at work. And he will always be Castle. Right. Have a good night."

She left the bullpen, thinking hard about Ellie as she rode down in the elevator. She didn't want to get so caught up in work that she forgot about her family – she had decided that when she got home she would put the case out of her mind and make it all about them. She felt bad for leaving Johnny – she might get Monday off, though, and their holiday was coming up, which was good... She wished she didn't have to work so hard to make time to spend with her husband and son.

And when she went down this line of thought, she couldn't help but worry about whether bringing another child into the mix would do anything but add to her guilt, and make things even more complicated. She knew there was no such thing as a perfect family, but she strongly believed that parents should be there for their children.

She sighed. She _really _wanted another baby. She knew she had a tendency to over think things... She would talk to Rick later, when it was just them. She could ask for his thoughts about the case, too. She went out to her car. It was still almost unbearably hot, even though it was half past six in the evening. She turned on her engine and let the air conditioning blast at her for a while before closing the car door; it still felt like an oven.

_Don't worry about dinner, you can just have roasted Kate, _she texted Rick, before beginning to drive home. There was traffic, as usual, and it took a while to get to the loft. She really hoped she was wrong about Luke... but it almost had to be him. There was no other suspect. And he didn't have an alibi. He had also been very emotional and defensive.

She was still thinking about it when she pulled into the underground parking, but on the elevator ride up, she found it quite easy to turn her mind to getting excited about seeing her family. Johnny was shooting out of the apartment as soon as the elevator doors had pinged.

"Mommy!" he yelled, running into her arms. She lifted him high in the air, then brought him down for a rather sweaty hug.

"I need a shower," she said to him. Johnny sniffed energetically.

"Yes. You do," he told her firmly. Kate laughed loudly.

"What's for dinner?"

"Chicken salad. I don't know if I like it but Daddy said I can try it and see."

"I think you'll like it. I do. Is Daddy cooking?"

"Yes. I was playing with Grams and Lex."

"I see."

They were in the apartment by this time.

"Ah, Katherine my dear, you look radiant."

"It's probably sunburn," Kate said, putting Johnny down. Rick stopped slicing grapes and came over.

"You look tired, sweetheart," he said. Kate made a face, at the tired and the sweetheart, but when he took her bag from her and unstrapped her badge and holster from her waist, she felt nothing but soothed.

"Go shower," he told her. "Dinner's in twenty."

"Sounds great," she said, giving him a 'company' kiss.

"I'll welcome you home properly later," he muttered in her ear. She chuckled and retreated to the bathroom, not realising Johnny was following her until she was halfway through taking off her top.

"Mommy?"

She turned around. "Yes?"

"Do you miss us? When you're at work?"

"Of course I do, CB. Lots."

"So why do you go so much?"

Kate sat down on the bed and patted the mattress beside her; Johnny climbed up. She buttoned up her shirt again.

"I think you know, really. I go because I want to bring justice to people, catch the bad guys, keep other people safe. And sometimes it's a lot of work and I have to be there for a lot of my time. But you know you're very important to me too."

"Are you going to be at work tomorrow?"

Kate frowned. "I'm afraid so. But when we solve the case, I'll get a couple of days off, and we'll do something together."

Johnny looked sad. "Okay," he said. Kate put her arm around him.

"You don't sound okay."

"Maybe... could Daddy go to work instead of you some days? I like Daddy a lot. But I see him all the time. I never see you."

Kate hugged him tighter. "I'm afraid it doesn't work like that. But I'll be off on Monday, or Tuesday at the latest."

"I'm glad you catch bad guys..." Johnny said slowly, but he trailed off. Kate pulled him onto her lap.

"Look. I love my job. But I love you more. And we will spend some time together. We have tonight. And we can have breakfast together tomorrow, and we'll have tomorrow night..."

Johnny nodded. "Okay. I have to go and help Daddy," he said, slipping off her lap. Kate sighed again and headed for the shower. She didn't know what to do. She strongly believed, as her mother had done, that women could work and be mothers at the same time, and having a good job didn't make someone a worse parent. But... as she thought about her own childhood, she remembered a lot of missed appointments and promises that never happened. She had spent a lot of time wishing she saw her mother more, too.

She would have to talk to Gates. She didn't know whether it would be taking some time away from work, or just reducing her schedule, but she had to do something.

Her shower helped her to relax a little, and dressed in a light, pale green dress, she went through to help Rick carry dinner through from the kitchen. She had tied her damp hair up in a ponytail and he planted a soft kiss on her neck as she picked up a bowl of bread. She smiled.

"You never give up, do you? It's not happening tonight," she whispered.

"I know. But kissing doesn't really count."

"I suppose not. But you'd better stop for now, because we have to do dinner, and then I have to spend some time with Johnny."

"He misses you."

"He was telling me."

"Not one to beat about the bush, that kid."

Kate smiled. "I like that he's honest. But... I am worried about it."

"We'll talk more later, Kate, but try not to worry too much. We'll figure it out. We'll get you some more time."

Kate nodded. They sat down to eat and she did have a good time. Rick did too; he spent most of the meal watching her. He found everything about her adorable, every little movement of her hands, every flick of her hair... He loved that she was his wife.

Kate watched her family too. It was a great family... The kind of family she had always dreamed of, and she was completely a part of it. They were all there to support each other, they were so open and relaxed... She wished she'd grown up in this kind of atmosphere, but she realised that she had been instrumental in creating the atmosphere that now existed with the Castles. She felt so at home. At times like this, quitting her job didn't seem like a horrible idea.

She felt Castle's hand on her knee and shot him a disapproving glance. He removed it, but not before brushing it up her thigh. She made a face. She didn't feel sexy at all, but he still had the power to get her all hot and bothered. As if it wasn't hot enough already. She got up from the table and fetched herself a glass of cold water, staying in the kitchen to sip it. Johnny came to get one too, watching her.

"I want to tip it over my head," he said sadly. "I'm so hot!"

"You can have a shower before you go to bed, if you want."

"A freezing cold one!"

"You'll be surprised how little time it takes for that to be horrible," Rick said, appearing in the kitchen too. "But you can have it as cold as you want it."

After several games, a shower, and a bedtime story, Johnny was in bed and ready to sleep. Martha said she was ready to leave too, and Alexis went up to her room saying something vague about having arranged to skype with someone. Rick took Kate's hand.

"Now. Bath time."

"Can't wait. But if you're serious about being in there, you have to shut up, because Lex is home."

"Are you embarrassed? I am your husband..."

Kate made a face. "Yes. And she's your daughter. I'll go up and run it. You can fetch me a towel."

"As you wish. But don't even think about locking the door. Although, you got those locks that you can open from the outside with a penny – so actually, you can lock it if you want, I'm still coming in."

* * *

A/N: Sorry I took soooo long to update! Life and everything getting in the way, on Summer break now so I should have more time to write. I hope you liked the chapter – a bit different, a lot more about the case. What do you think? I wanted to give it a proper explanation, but this is probably going to be a one time thing in terms of a case having such a large part in the story. Please review with your thoughts/comments!


	77. Chapter 77

Chapter 17

Kate dipped her foot into the tub; the water seemed horribly warm for such a hot evening, but she knew she would be happy once she was in it. She began to undress, dropping her clothes onto the chair Rick planned to sit on. She heard a tap on the door and smiled. He might act like a nine year old on a sugar rush some of the time, but her husband was a gentleman at heart. She lowered herself into the water and called for him to come in. He did so, closing and locking the door behind him and draping the three towels he had brought on the rail.

"Why three?" Kate asked.

Rick winked at her. "It's kind of a big tub for just one person, don't you think?"

Kate pretended not to like the idea. "I think it's just the right size for me. And I thought you were going to write. You can't use your laptop in the bath."

"I was going to write – but you make the bath seem so inviting. And anyway, the chair is taken. I wouldn't want to put that nice dress on the floor."

"That nice dress is going straight into the wash – it won't mind being on the floor."

"Personally I think it's far less pervy for me to join you in the tub than for me to sit watching you."

Kate winked at him. "Touché. But you're showering first."

"I'm showering in here?"

"That would make sense."

"I'm showering in here while you watch?"

"You don't know that I'll watch. I'm very tired. Soon my eyes will only be open for things which are extremely interesting. So I don't think you have much to worry about."

"You wound me with your cruel words," Rick said, taking off his shirt. Kate turned her head away but kept her eyes trained on his muscular torso. She watched him as he took off his shorts, shot her a glance, and walked over to the shower, turning it on and stepping under the water, which was instantly at the perfect temperature. One of the perks of being a millionaire – magic temperature controlled showers.

Kate lay back in the bath, listening to the shower flowing. She closed her eyes, but regretted it almost immediately, because she began to think about the case. She ran through it all in her mind again – Ellie's last hours... She went to the pool, smiled at the girl at the desk, went to her class but got out in the middle – she had planned to leave, planned to meet someone in the changing rooms. Who? Who would she want to meet? The father of the baby... and Kate had an awful feeling that her hunch was right and the father of the baby was Luke.

She pulled herself out of her mind when she heard the shower turn off.

"Penny for them," Rick said, asking in a more 'interesting' way, as always.

Kate sighed. "I was thinking about work – but I told myself I wouldn't – I wanted a night off." She scooted forward and Rick got into the bath behind her. She tried not to disturb 'little Rick' too much, but person Rick just pulled her back into him so she was leaning against his chest.

"I'll cope," he told her, beginning to lather his hands with her favourite body wash. "Maybe just telling me about it would help you to get your mind off it."

"Are you sure you wouldn't mind?"

"Kate, I find your cases fascinating, I find all of it fascinating. You know that. Of course I don't mind. I'm curious."

"It's not a nice story."

"It never is. Go on."

Kate took a deep breath, but smiled as Rick began rubbing body wash along her arms. She let them go all floppy and he took control, lifting them to clean them then putting them back down in the water.

"The victim was a young woman, early twenties, a college drop out. She was almost nine months pregnant. Ellie Brown. She didn't have many friends, she was at college in the city and had stayed here to work in a beauty parlour. Her family is from New Jersey, they drove down... her parents seem both shy and completely distraught. She also had an older brother, Luke. Very tough... jealous of her. There was something off about him straight away, and after talking to Ellie's tutor from college, and looking over the interviews with everyone who knew her again... I haven't had it checked but I would say she was abused in some way. Shy, quiet, kind, but never talked about her personal life... She didn't tell anyone who the father of the baby was. And I mean _anyone_. All girls have someone they tell, but not Ellie, it seems. And then I thought about what Luke said again... Lanie's testing it. But I think he raped her, and for some reason she did something else and he decided to kill her."

"I think... I think you're probably right about Luke. I love jumping to conclusions about people, but your tone of voice when you talked about him... But if you are... why would she arrange to meet him somewhere no one could see them? Wouldn't she be doing everything she could never to be in a situation like that with him?"

Kate frowned. "You're right. Unless... Maybe she didn't know any more. Stockholm syndrome..?"

"Maybe. But... I mean, there is a possibility, even if Luke is the father of the child, that he didn't kill them."

"No," Kate said firmly, Rick making her more reckless. "He did it."

Rick chuckled; he'd moved on to cleaning her back now. "What about evidence?"

"Lanie will have evidence for me in the morning. That will be enough to get a DNA sample from Luke, which will prove he is the father."

"I hate to say it, but that doesn't prove he killed her. Or that he raped her."

"He raped her."

"He'll say it was consensual."

"I'll get a confession," Kate said, but she wasn't certain. She didn't think Luke would be easy to break.

"Is there any other option? _Anyone _she might have known..."

Kate shrugged. "I mean, of course, it's always possible that there was someone we didn't find. But Luke..."

"Is a bastard. But what's his motive?"

The questions bothered Kate all the more because she had been asking them herself – they were why she couldn't stop thinking about the case.

"Perhaps she was going to tell someone."

"Then why would she agree to meet him?"

Kate sighed. She liked having Rick to bounce ideas back and forth with, but they were almost still on square one with this case. Rick's hands moved around to her chest and stomach; she sighed and tried to relax – which he made fairly easy.

Then suddenly, she sat up.

"Harry!"

"The badboy English prince?"

"No... The boy from the desk. He said he didn't know her but... I _knew _there was something off about him. The way he was biting his lip and looking at the floor. He wasn't on the desk that day but there's no reason why he shouldn't have been at the pool."

Her excitement rapidly faded as she realised how tragic the story that was forming in her mind was going to be.

"He was her... person. The one she talked to. He liked her because she was sweet... and he seemed nice. So they talked, maybe he bought her a drink in the cafe-"

"-maybe they started some kind of relationship, and she didn't want to tell him about the baby," Rick joined in, catching on to her theory. "They got closer and closer; Ellie began to trust him and finally plucked up the courage to tell him about Luke and the baby. But he reacted badly. Jealous. Maybe she was a bit attached to Luke, maybe she was confused... And Harry couldn't live with her any more. And... He's religious. He thought he was saving her and the baby by ending their lives. So he arranged to meet her, somewhere where no one would see. She went, of course, because she trusted him, probably even loved him. He gave her the poisoned juice and dressed her again, then put her in the laundry cart. He knows his way around the leisure centre – he works there. He would have known that he could get her out that way. And then... he felt guilty. He couldn't face hiding the body – he had loved her. So he laid her out in the park, as if she had just fallen asleep..."

"Work gloves. He has to do lifting, bringing in boxes and moving equipment around. I bet he has leather work gloves, which are what touched her."

"If we get them we can match them."

"I don't think we'll need to. And well done writer boy, throwing in the we. I think he'll confess... I think he was on the verge of it yesterday."

"I'd be really happy I helped you solve the case-"

"-if we're right," Kate cut in.

"If we're right – except that it's such a sad story. And the wrong person... I mean, Luke is the one who should go down for this."

"For sure."

"Do you think... If Ellie told Harry that it was abuse, would a statement from Harry mean Luke could be convicted?"

Kate sighed. "The word of a murderer? No. It's all worked out so well for Luke... I can hardly believe it. But... No, I think there's something else. Something doesn't fit. I should get uniforms to go pick Harry up."

"Now?"

Kate got out of the bath and picked up a towel. "Now."

She dried herself, then tucked the towel under her arms. "I have to interview him. Lex is here... you can come, if you want."

Rick jumped out of the tub. "I'd love to."

"I'll call the boys in too – they'll want to see you. And you deserve some credit – I never would have figured it out without you."

"Some credit – if we're right. You trust your gut a lot more than you used to."

Kate smiled at him. "You're a bad influence. Come on," she said, leaning over to pull out the plug. "Let's go catch a killer."

She called in to have Harry picked up, and called Ryan and Esposito. She told Ryan again to apologise to Jenny for her – Ryan said Jenny would accept no apologies, but he would take one – they'd been just about to start a romantic dinner.

"I'm sure Jenny can microwave some for you," Espo said as they walked into the bullpen together. Kate was at her desk with Rick, going over Harry's job application to the leisure centre.

"He's ticked 'Catholic'," Rick murmured. Kate nodded. She was reading the personal statement – she wanted to get more of a feel for what he was like. She wished she could say he didn't sound like a killer, but as she had once told Rick, everyone looked like a killer to her. They had to. She felt hugely sorry for Harry – but more sorry for Ellie. Poor kid...

A uniform whose name she didn't know, someone new on the night shift, appeared in front of her.

"He's in the box, detective."

Kate nodded. "Thanks. I'll be right there."

"We found these at his place," the officer added, placing an evidence bag containing a pair of suede leather gloves on her desk.

"Can you get these to Dr. Parish at the morgue, please?"

"Sure thing. I'll take them there myself."

"I'll call her; she'll be waiting for you."

Kate put through a quick call to Lanie, who didn't mind at all being called into work. The morgue was probably the coolest place in the city right now. Then she got up to start the interview.

"Can I come?" Rick asked hopefully.

Kate thought about it. "Okay. You remember how to behave?"

"Like riding a bicycle," he said quietly. Kate led the way into the interview room.

Rick sat down; she stayed standing and looked straight at Harry; he was looking down at the table.

"Harry," she began gently, "do you know why you're-"

"I did it," he burst out, tears streaming down his cheeks as he stared up at her. "I killed her. I killed Ellie."

"Harry, do you know that you're confessing to a-"

"A murder! Yes! But lying is a sin and I won't... I never meant to do it but... it was me. I killed her."

Kate sat down. "Will you write a statement?"

"Yes, anything, just let me... Let me repent for it, let me confess."

Kate glanced at Rick. They were both thinking the same thing.

* * *

A/N: So SUPER case heavy I'm afraid, but I have never actually written a proper murder plot before and this one has been eating away at my brain so I really have to get it out. I hope you like it. Did anyone see Harry coming? Please review! xo


	78. Chapter 78

"Harry... what do you mean you never meant to?" Kate asked, taking away the pen and paper she had just handed him. Harry looked confused.

"I confessed... Why don't you want me to write it any more?"

"How did you kill her, Harry?"

"I... I was so angry, we were talking and she told me and I wasn't even angry with her and I know pregnant women are weak but I never thought..." he was in tears, riddled with guilt and pain. "I pushed her. She fell and... I thought she would get up right away, I was already apologising, but she didn't, and then I checked for a pulse and there wasn't one. I didn't know what to do so I- Iput her in the cart and took her to my car, then later I... I couldn't bury her. I just couldn't. I wiped her down, I watch some shows, I knew to wear gloves... But I... The baby..."

"You pushed her?" Rick asked.

"Yes!" Harry exclaimed, sobbing openly.

"Before that, Harry... did you give her a drink?"

"Uhm, yes, some of my orange juice, she was thirsty..."

Rick put his hand over his mouth to contain a shout of something almost like happiness. Kate reached out and took hold of Harry's hand.

"You didn't kill Ellie, Harry. Was your juice in your bag?"

"Yeah, why..?"

"We're going to need that bag."

"Wait, what? If I didn't kill her, how did she die?"

"The juice was poisoned. Did you poison it?" Kate asked.

"What? No! That was my juice... It was her brother. She was saying something about her brother... Luke, his name was, it was... I met him, he dropped her off once, I..."

"We'll have to hold you until we can prove who poisoned the juice. We'll get a warrant for your bag." Kate looked at Rick. "Let's get that bastard."

Rick loved Kate when she was so powerful, especially because she managed to soften her glare and give him a seductive one, knowing what her strength... did to him.

Luke didn't last five minutes with her in the box. Rick waited in observation while he confessed to everything – they had the bag, and while they hadn't had time to test it, Luke knew whose fingerprints they would find on it. Kate felt for the poor parents. But they should have known.

Luke was locked up, the case was solid, Harry was cleared and though he was technically an accessory, Kate was sure he would get off with a caution. She packed up and got ready to go home. Rick helped her, not having to ask why she was so sombre. She had solved the case, she had got as much justice as she could, she had found the truth... But not even the truth could bring Ellie back, not even the truth could save that baby.

"Sometimes I hate my job," Kate said in the car on the way home. She was even letting Rick drive, leaning back in her seat and thinking.

"But you love it too."

Kate nodded. Then she chuckled. "I wonder what kind of housewife I'd be... Staying at home with Johnny, maybe another baby, waiting for you to come home from work..."

"You forget. I work from home. We'd be home, all the time. Together."

"Do you think... Do you think I have a responsibility to do my job? Because I'm good at it? And because someone has to do it?"

Rick thought about this. "No. I think you have to do what makes you happy. I think you'd be bored if you didn't use your brain, and you're the sort of person that always wants to help people. You're naturally good at being a detective, you have great gut instinct, you seem made for the job... But if it doesn't make you happy, you shouldn't do it."

"It doesn't make me... happy. You make me happy. Johnny makes me happy. The thought of another baby makes me happy. Alexis, Martha, some little things... The job makes me... know that I'm doing something right. But it never seems to be enough. I can never bring the whole world to justice, but every extra hour I spend working, solving one more case, is an hour spent away from my family."

"Kate... you don't have to have the whole world on your shoulders. You got justice for one girl today. One girl, one family, one case... You didn't save the world, but why should you? No one saves the world alone. You're a brilliant detective, but you're not the only one. It sounds silly, as your husband I should say there's no one like you. And of course, you are extraordinary, and to me, there is no one... But there are people like you. Good, driven people, who help. You have a right to your own time and your family, and you shouldn't feel guilty about that. At the same time, I think you need your job. It makes you who you are. You do great things, you help people. And while they could cope without you, I don't think you want them to have to."

Kate smiled, shocked to find tears brimming in her eyes. "When did you get so wise?" she asked.

Rick put his hand on her knee. "About the same time you got so soft, I think," he said. Kate chuckled.

"Don't you like me soft?" she asked. It was Rick's turn to laugh.

"We're onto that already?"

"I don't want to wait for our date..."

"I thought you were..."

"Finished."

"Really?"

"Don't jinx it! Yes."

"That was quick."

"Bit erratic after Johnny. Can't say I mind in this instance."

"Me neither. Not likely to make a baby though..."

"Yes, because that's the only reason in the world I can think of to do anything," Kate said, rolling her eyes. Rick began to drive a little faster.

* * *

Rick ran his fingers though Kate's tousled hair; her head was on his chest.

"I love you soft," he murmured.

"Love you too," she said, so close to sleeping. It was so late... She had work in the morning. It was already morning. They had been in all night. It had been light when they got back at about 6am. Closing cases took a long time.

"What time is it?" she asked weakly.

"About nine..."

Kate sighed. "Should get up. Have work."

"No you don't. Sunday."

"Oh... Right... Aren't you tired?" she breathed, her eyes closed.

"High on life," Rick muttered.

They had both just fallen asleep when there was a tap on the door and a head peeped around it.

"Mommy?"

Kate slipped out of bed and into a robe. "Morning sweetheart," she said groggily. "How did you sleep?"

"Good, thank you. And you?"

She smiled. He was so polite. "Haven't slept yet. Want some coffee?"

"Mommy..?"

Kate chuckled. "Sorry. Very tired. I think _I _want some coffee."

Johnny laughed. "Is Daddy asleep?"

"Yes. Lucky Daddy."

"I could wake him up for you..."

"That's okay. Want some breakfast?"

"Yes please... Were you up because you were catching bad guys?"

"Yep. Got one, too."

"Good." Johnny settled on a barstool and watched as Kate sloppily poured milk over some cereal and put it in front of him. She handed him a spoon.

"Want to watch television?" she asked, getting her mug of coffee.

"But I'm not allowed to watch television in the morning..."

Kate yawned as she ruffled his hair. "Let's make an exception," she said, walking towards the couch. She put the mug down on the end table and flicked onto the kids channel, shows which Johnny adored and she didn't understand. Johnny knew how to use the remote; she put it in his hands and let him snuggle against her stomach. She loved having him close to her. He might be getting fairly grown up now, but he was still her baby. Probably he always would be.

After a case like Ellie's, all she wanted to do was pick him up, hold him tight, and never let him go.

* * *

When Rick found them hours later, they were both fast asleep. The TV was still on at a low volume; Kate's coffee was cold in the mug. After watching them for a while, Rick went to get his phone and took a picture, but when he looked at it, it wasn't anything like as good.

This was just so... peaceful, so sweet. Alexis appeared behind him.

"They're adorable, aren't they?" she whispered.

Rick just nodded and put an arm around his daughter.

"I am a very lucky man," he said softly.

* * *

A/N: Case closed! Sorry I took so long - and I know I didn't make much of the ending but I'm not a murder mystery writer and I was flagging. Was it who you thought? Thanks so much for waiting, I know I've taken forever to update and I HOPE I will be writing much more in the next few weeks! Love you, PLEASE REVIEW! (Reviews are the very best way to get me to write more and write what you want me to.) xx


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